I'm apparently the bad guy (child vent ahead)

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by wvjules, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. wvjules

    wvjules DIS Veteran

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    I'm on the Metro this morning. It is standing room only because DC's metro service sucks these days. Anyway, there is this woman and 2 kids. The kids are insanely out of control. The one is ripping apart the newspaper and yelling. The other one is screaming and hollering and thrashing herself around in the seat where she was sitting (I felt bad for the guy in the same seat) and on the floor. It was a nightmare. So after the kid is yelling nonstop for 5 minutes, I asked the mom if she was going to do anything about it. (She has done NOTHING to gain control of the kids this entire time.) Someone actually piped up and said "It's not her fault." I was flabbergasted. Her kids were out of control and she did NOTHING. How is it not her fault? And someone else said they felt bad for her. If she were trying to get control and was unsuccessful then yes, I'd feel bad for her. But she did absolutely nothing about either of her out of control kids. It was a very long 25 minute ride!

    I'm sure someone here is going to say that maybe there were invisible disabilities, but I honestly don't care. There is no excuse for their behavior and no excuse for the mother not doing anything.

    Thanks. I feel better.
     
  2. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Uuuggghhh...sometimes I don't know what is happening to people anymore.
     
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  4. Nayan

    Nayan DIS Veteran

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    Disabilities is no excuse for bad behavior, period. This is a case of bad parenting and I would have told the kids myself to knock it off. If mom got upset, too bad do your job.
     
  5. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    I don't understand the people who were defending it.
     
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  6. MickeyMinnieMom

    MickeyMinnieMom If you ticket it, they will come... ;)

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    1. How DARE you?!? DC commutes by metro these days are AWESOME!! ;)
    2. It WAS her fault that she did nothing to control her kids. Period.
    3. You will never convince some parents that it IS their fault if they do nothing to control their kids.
    4. This is just one reason why I favor earphones in metro. And I literally get up and move if I come across said scene. :)
    5. If this were my morning experience, I'd be enjoying a nice cup of coffee now to "shake it off". (and venting some like this can help!)
    :goodvibes to you for a calmer rest-of-your-day!
     
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  7. AnnaFloridaLover

    AnnaFloridaLover DIS Veteran

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    What did the mother say?

    I was shopping in a Bed, Bath and Beyond recently and I could hear kids screaming, yelling. I turn the corner and there are 3 young kids jumping on a bed (a white mattress) with their wet boots on! I told them to get off the bed right in front of the two mothers. One kid says, "ok, sorry". Another one says "we don't have to". I just looked at their mothers and shook my head in disbelief. Neither said a word. Later in the store they were in another section smashing the appliances around. I kid you not. None of the store personnel would speak to them. I've never witnessed such a sense of entitlement in a public space before.

    If people in general are acting up on the subway, I just move. It's not worth it.
     
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  8. Elle23

    Elle23 Mouseketeer

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    I am NOT defending a neglectful mother, but there genuinely are disabilities that cause behavior problems that cannot be quelled even with the most ardent parenting intervention and discipline.

    Again...I'm not defending a careless parent, but I do have to speak up for those parents who are raising kids with disabilities. I am sure it is hard enough without people judging them everywhere they go.
     
  9. MickeyMinnieMom

    MickeyMinnieMom If you ticket it, they will come... ;)

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    I agree with the general principle that you never know what disabilities or issues might exist and one should be sensitive to that, but I don't think that applies here. The issue is that the mother made NO ATTEMPT to get them under control -- that seems unambiguously bad. That attempt should always be made, and I think responsible parents do.
     
  10. aprilchem

    aprilchem DIS Veteran

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    Spoken like a person who has never had a child with a disability that causes behavior that the child (and parent) cannot control. As a parent of a child with epilepsy, I have had my son admonished by others for what they think is his "bad behavior" when in fact he is actually having a seizure. He was kicked out of an activity that we enrolled him in because the instructor found his seizures "disrespectful." People are welcome to tell me "Too bad, do your job," but there is nothing I can do to stop my son's seizures. And I can't hide him in a closet for the rest of his life so others can't see it, either.

    Not trying to excuse the behavior of the mom in the OP; I don't know her situation. Just sharing my own experience.
     
  11. MickeyMinnieMom

    MickeyMinnieMom If you ticket it, they will come... ;)

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    THIS is horrible -- just horrible and unacceptable. But I'm sure that you attend to your son in cases where he is having a seizure or experiencing difficulty. I think the thing that just isn't ok no matter what is a parent sitting by and not doing anything. Speaking for myself, that is the part that bugs me.
     
  12. Soldier's*Sweeties

    Soldier's*Sweeties DIS Veteran

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    I agree with you to a point. I don't thibk you were wrong to say something, but I think some sympathy would have been a good choice too.

    There's no excuse for disruptive behavior.

    But maybe the mom was just really haiving a bad morning and couldn't deal anymore? (Bad news, sick, just a generally rough morning...)Maybe that's why she didn't respond... Like she just shut herself off. I've been lucky that I haven't had any issues with my kids in public like that but I definitely have had them at home.
     
  13. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    But what your child is doing isn't bad behavior, it doesn't matter what people think. I'm sure if your child was throwing a temper tantrum you wouldn't excuse it because of his epilepsy. I think that is what the pp meant, that parents often use their child's disability to explain and excuse actual bad behavior. A seizure isn't a temper tantrum and I am sorry that people you and your child come across can't see the difference.


    I think this generation of parents are too soft, they don't dare want to damage their children's self esteem by disciplining. We don't want to squash free expression either.
     
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  14. CdnCarrie

    CdnCarrie DIS Veteran

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    How is having a seizure the same as what was described by the OP? A seizure is a medical incidence not behavioural.
    Now the yelling the OP mentioned might be due to special needs like Autism.
     
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  15. DLgal

    DLgal DIS Veteran

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    I'm going to go out on a limb and say that since someone else piped up "It's not her fault", maybe they knew something about this family that you don't. And maybe it is NOT a parenting issue. You literally have no idea.

    Autistic meltdowns "look like" tantrums but they are NOT (this is just an example). The kid screaming in the seat may have had tourettes or some mental issue that causes screaming (there are a few).

    The best parents in the world often find themselves in helpless situations with children who have developmental disabilities or mental disorders. I have been there myself, on the ferry boat from Mk to WL, with a 6 year old boy in the throes of an autistic meltdown that lasted 45 min. Literally 45 min of screaming, kicking, flailing, crying. It started because his brother accidentally spilled water on him at lunch and he could not handle being wet. I know...End of the world stuff, right? But autism doesn't care. All I could do was let it go on the entire boat ride while I cried silently. I had done everything I could at that point. It was not enough. It ended up taking 4 HOURS to calm him down.

    Attitudes like "I don't care if there is a hidden disability, do your job as a parent," are so ignorant and mean spirited, I don't even know how to respond other than rather than being so judgmental, next time, try asking the parent if there is anything you can do to help.
     
  16. MickeyMinnieMom

    MickeyMinnieMom If you ticket it, they will come... ;)

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    As sensitive as I am to the incredible challenges faced by parents with kids who have special needs -- and I DO always consider this possibility when I see a child misbehaving -- it is also true that many parents these days appear not to feel any sense of responsibility to even TRY to control their kids in public.

    In OP's metro ride this morning, are we to assume that both kids had special needs that account for their behavior? And that it's ok for their mom not to even TRY to control EITHER of them?

    No matter how badly my day is going -- and like everyone I've had some doozies -- I always take full responsibility for my kids in public.

    My sister's boyfriend has an amazing son who is autistic. He ALWAYS does what he can -- particularly in public -- to control anything that comes up. No one thinks that will ALWAYS work in EVERY situation -- and I think the vast majority of people are understanding of that. But he does always make the ATTEMPT as his parent.
     
  17. Soldier's*Sweeties

    Soldier's*Sweeties DIS Veteran

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    I just want to throw this out there...

    A child doesn't have to have a disability to have a tantrum or bad day and ut doesn't mean their parents don't parent them. They're KIDS...Their parents are HUMAN... People have bad days.
     
  18. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    I agree, and in your own home you can let your bad day take over and let your kid do what they want. When you are out in public, especially on a crowded shared small space, your responsibility as a parent should come before your bad day.
     
  19. Soldier's*Sweeties

    Soldier's*Sweeties DIS Veteran

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    I don't 100% disagree but no one is perfect and not one child is perfect in every public situation .
     
  20. punkin

    punkin <font color=purple>Went through pain just to look

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    This!
     
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  21. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    I don't disagree with that, and I have had my own imperfect public moments with my youngest. The difference is I tried to make it perfect. Sitting there, not trying, doesn't get you empathy or sympathy points.
     

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