If you knew your girlfriend or boyfriend were infertile

[Mercedes1]

I think everyone has a right to what they are open to in life or not open to. I read a couple of responses that said clearly that means my husband wouldn;t love me if he wanted a biological child only. I don't think thats an accurate way to put it. I have 2 biological boys and I am so proud to have them I can't tell you. In our case my wife who was only 23 at the time our marriage was diagnosed with some tubal issues. The Drs told us that we would have to do IVF in order to be parents. We didn't hesitate. But we did have a discussion where I layed down my thoughts and she hers. We both told one another how a life without children would not be acceptable to either of us.

In my case having a genteic son or daughter was very important. I don't think I need to justify that, nor does anyone else. I told my wife even when I knew IVF was the only way that I would support her through as many cycles as needed till we had our children, and we have 2. A 5 year journey well worth it.

I realy like a lot of the answer that show true love for the husband or wife but noone should be critiqued for feeling a biological right to have their own children, my wife and I knew that adoption was off the table, and she had fertility issues, where ivf was the only route, and not having children was unacceptable. And here we are loving every minute of it.

 

[kellyg403]

I think everyone has a right to what they are open to in life or not open to. I read a couple of responses that said clearly that means my husband wouldn;t love me if he wanted a biological child only. I don't think thats an accurate way to put it. I have 2 biological boys and I am so proud to have them I can't tell you. In our case my wife who was only 23 at the time our marriage was diagnosed with some tubal issues. The Drs told us that we would have to do IVF in order to be parents. We didn't hesitate. But we did have a discussion where I layed down my thoughts and she hers. We both told one another how a life without children would not be acceptable to either of us.

In my case having a genteic son or daughter was very important. I don't think I need to justify that, nor does anyone else. I told my wife even when I knew IVF was the only way that I would support her through as many cycles as needed till we had our children, and we have 2. A 5 year journey well worth it.

I realy like a lot of the answer that show true love for the husband or wife but noone should be critiqued for feeling a biological right to have their own children, my wife and I knew that adoption was off the table, and she had fertility issues, where ivf was the only route, and not having children was unacceptable. And here we are loving every minute of it.

I agree. My dh and I met and married after being divorced and both having children from that marriage. It was a discussion when we got married to have an 'ours'. I was willing to do so, but was not willing to do expensive treatment to have a child. He was not willing to adopt. In the end, we had one tubal pregnancy and honestly I never wanted to go thru that again. We just went with a 'if it happens it happens' and it never did. Our situation is a little different than what was posted, but I do think that each couple has to decide what means they will or will not go thru.

 

[DisneyScraps]

It would have been the demise of my relationship. I was not always sure I wanted to be married but I always wanted to be a Mom.

My ex DH lied to me about being able to have kids.....

I won't go to the specifics but there was something about him physically that led me to ask him if he could have children before we got married. He said he had been tested in the Army and we was fine.

After trying to 2 years for a child I got him tested. He could not father a child and never would be able to. He had a genetic disorder.

It meant he lied to me!!!!!!!

He could never have been tested and when you think about it the Army would never test that anyway.

It took 3 IVF's to have a daughter using a doner.

That betrayal but a huge dent in our marriage and if you read the first line you know what happened.

 

[marie1203]

It would not make a difference. We have not been trying and are not sure if we will be able, but it does not matter. We have talked about it, if we can't get pregnant then we will adopt, no fertility treatment for us.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

My DD is adopted from Guatemala.. and adoption was NEVER my "second choice" option either! I can not imagine my life without her.

My personal opinion... BIOLOGY DOESN'T MATTER! You obviously don't share the same blood with your wife- but you're STILL a family!

I would love to get pregnant the 2nd time around.. and I am looking forward to that experience but will it make or break my relationship? No!

 

[luvmy3]

What would you do if you were thinking that your current bf or gf could be marriage material, but before any engagment, they announced that they would never be able to have a biological child or be able to carry a child, or were against fertility treatments. Would this affect your decision in continuing things going forward.

My wife and I just had a discussion about this, and I told her it would have affected my decision in getting married to someone because having a biological child was important to me and for many reasons I am not open to adoption.

This is not hey we got married and found out we needed ivf, I am curious if you knew this information ahead of time, what would you do,

I want to keep this polite and expect all of you to do the same, you can disagree with someone and have class doing so.

Yes I would end the relationship, but it would be because of the bolded.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I think everyone has a right to what they are open to in life or not open to. I read a couple of responses that said clearly that means my husband wouldn;t love me if he wanted a biological child only. I don't think thats an accurate way to put it. I have 2 biological boys and I am so proud to have them I can't tell you. In our case my wife who was only 23 at the time our marriage was diagnosed with some tubal issues. The Drs told us that we would have to do IVF in order to be parents. We didn't hesitate. But we did have a discussion where I layed down my thoughts and she hers. We both told one another how a life without children would not be acceptable to either of us.

In my case having a genteic son or daughter was very important. I don't think I need to justify that, nor does anyone else. I told my wife even when I knew IVF was the only way that I would support her through as many cycles as needed till we had our children, and we have 2. A 5 year journey well worth it.

I realy like a lot of the answer that show true love for the husband or wife but noone should be critiqued for feeling a biological right to have their own children, my wife and I knew that adoption was off the table, and she had fertility issues, where ivf was the only route, and not having children was unacceptable. And here we are loving every minute of it.

I don't think you need to justify your feelings, anymore than I need to justify my decision to adopt without trying to get pregnant first.

However, I have wanted to be a mom forever, from the time I was tiny if you asked me what I wanted to be, I'd say "mom". I would not have sacrificed that dream for a boyfriend. I also would have had concerns if someone had said to me that I couldn't have what I wanted so badly, because a biological connection was important to them. Now, if we were in your situation where a pregnancy was possible but required assistance, or if surrogacy with his sperm was an option, yes I'd could see trying that first. I get that many people would prefer to parent a child with a biological connection to them, and I would work hard to make that happen. But if we knew going into the marriage adoption was truly the only way (think hysterectomy combined with some male factor that eliminated surrogacy) and the potential partner said no to it, then I would walk.

I will note that if I were married to someone before I adopted my son, and it turned out after the marriage that I was infertile and adoption was simply not an option, then we would have gotten through it together even if that meant giving up on my dream and finding a new life goal. However, that's not what we're talking about here.

 

[Mercedes1]

My DD is adopted from Guatemala.. and adoption was NEVER my "second choice" option either! I can not imagine my life without her.

My personal opinion... BIOLOGY DOESN'T MATTER! You obviously don't share the same blood with your wife- but you're STILL a family!

I would love to get pregnant the 2nd time around.. and I am looking forward to that experience but will it make or break my relationship? No!

To be honest when people say Biology doesnt matter I find it insulting. It does matter very much. I agree with the notion that the blood portion of a child or family member doesn't make you love them more, but it does make it a very special relationship. If for some reason anything happened to me, or god forbid my wife and I divorced, to hear my kids say that a new person in their life is the father would be devastating. I was their father, I loved them with every being in my heart and to be reduced to nothing by others definition is just wrong and hurtful.

I accept that each couple or individual has circumstances that dictate their situation. But please don't put down parents that enjoy seeing things passed down to generations, or laugh when the kids exhibit similar traits or have pride in a blood connection to 2 very wonderful and great sons

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

To be honest when people say Biology doesnt matter I find it insulting...

It matters to some more than others. In my experience, a person related by blood is no more likely to be a good friend than someone that I meet on the street. Most of those that I consider to be close "family" are not related to me in any way.

I measure my family by the closeness of our personal relationship, not by biological connection.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

To be honest when people say Biology doesnt matter I find it insulting.

And I find that what people say Biology does matter I find it insulting.

 

[Mercedes1]

It matters to some more than others. In my experience, a person related by blood is no more likely to be a good friend than someone that I meet on the street. Most of those that I consider to be close "family" are not related to me in any way.

I measure my family by the closeness of our personal relationship, not by biological connection.

I agree with most of what you are saying, I don't think my cousins, or uncles are so wonderful because we share a genetic relationship, mainly in our lives it is people who we have become close with. Having said that I have 4 brothers, though we don't always see eye to eye on issues, I would give up my life in a moment for them. I wouldn't do that for my closest friends.
Again I am not arguing that you can't love a non related person just as much as a blood relative, we all know that you can

 

[LIDisneyFan]

\ Having said that I have 4 brothers, though we don't always see eye to eye on issues, I would give up my life in a moment for them. I wouldn't do that for my closest friends.
Again I am not arguing that you can't love a non related person just as much as a blood relative, we all know that you can

I have 2 adopted childrfen, and I would give up my life for them, and they would give up their lives for each other. And they are related even though they are not blood relatives.

 

[Mercedes1]

I have 2 adopted childrfen, and I would give up my life for them, and they would give up their lives for each other. And they are related even though they are not blood relatives.

Good I am glad they would. I am done posting on this thread as noone is going to change my opinion or beliefs, thanks

 

[ChrizJen]

Speaking for myself, if I found out my BF was infertile, it would have zero impact on my decision to marry. If I found that my BF refused to adopt, I would not marry him.

Why? Because who is to say that just because we are both fertile right now that we will stay that way? So if my BF refuses to adopt and in a few years we are ready to have children, we find out one of us is now infertile, then I cannot have a child? Nope. Not interested in that scenario.

Unfortunately, I saw that scenario play out in real life with a friend. She didn't think his prohibition against adoption was important because "of course" they were having biological children. It turned out that between the time they married and were ready to have kids, she had a medical problem that resulted in her being completely infertile. Her dh's prohibition against adoption remained intact and she had a hard decision to make about divorce.

So I think it's important to think about the implications.

Exactly this! Infertility would not hinder my decision whatsoever to marry a person (in fact, I'm a lesbian, so it wasn't an issue in the first place... ) But I WOULD most certainly change my mind about a person who wasn't open at all to adopting children. That, to me, says that becoming a parent isn't really what's important to you. It sounds like the transfer of your genetic material is what's it's really about. To me, if you're truly interested in becoming a parent, you'll be open to all the different ways in which that can happen.

 

[bumblebee]

It matters to some more than others. In my experience, a person related by blood is no more likely to be a good friend than someone that I meet on the street. Most of those that I consider to be close "family" are not related to me in any way.

I measure my family by the closeness of our personal relationship, not by biological connection.

I feel the same way.

As for the question at hand: No, it would not affect the relationship one iota if I found out that my boyfriend was infertile.

I have health issues that could negatively affect the baby and myself if I became pregnant. And I also have tokophobia (fear of pregnancy & child birth), so having a baby naturally is not an option whatsoever.

However, I would absolutely love to adopt. And I would not be opposed to having a surrogate or a gestational carrier. If a boyfriend of mine wasn't okay with any of these options, I imagine we would go our separate ways.

To me, if you're truly interested in becoming a parent, you'll be open to all the different ways in which that can happen.

I agree.

 

[skater]

Interesting post.

I can actually answer the OP based on my daughter's experience. She and her boyfriend had dated for several years before they became engaged. In the months leading up to their wedding, she found out that she has a condition that makes it life threatening for her to carry a child. Further, she has to take medication that could cause severe birth defects in a child. Her doctor made it very plain to her that she should not consider getting pregnant.

She actually took this very well. She had told her fiance before they got engaged that she really didn't think she wanted children, and she wanted him to be sure of how he felt about that before they started making serious plans. He was also an extremely conservative, raised in the country boyfriend .

She worked hard to complete her doctorate and is now practicing. They're very happy together. I think, based on some of their comments, that there is a possibility that they may eventually adopt one child, but it won't be anytime soon.

In their case, he chose a future with her over any potential children that they might have, and it seems to work for them.

And most likely, he'll stick with her if/when times get tough too. What a great story!

 

[ChrizJen]

Whoops...wrong poster. Sorry! LOL

 

[skater]

To be honest when people say Biology doesnt matter I find it insulting. It does matter very much. I agree with the notion that the blood portion of a child or family member doesn't make you love them more, but it does make it a very special relationship. If for some reason anything happened to me, or god forbid my wife and I divorced, to hear my kids say that a new person in their life is the father would be devastating. I was their father, I loved them with every being in my heart and to be reduced to nothing by others definition is just wrong and hurtful.

I accept that each couple or individual has circumstances that dictate their situation. But please don't put down parents that enjoy seeing things passed down to generations, or laugh when the kids exhibit similar traits or have pride in a blood connection to 2 very wonderful and great sons

If I say Biology doesn't matter, it shouldn't be insulting. And having your kids - who you have invested in say that someone else is their father would hurt anybody - a biological Dad or an adoptive Dad. It speaks more to the love you have for them that it would be devastating. Saying biology doesn't matter shoult in no way reduce you to nothing.

I understand wanting to see similar genetic traits in your child. I have one biological and 2 adopted children, so I understand both situations. But most of the time, when someone says biology doesn't matter, it means that it really doesn't matter in the feelings they have for those children.

 

[kamik86]

I agree with the others here that said they would stay with the person as long as they were open to adopting.

My husband and I actually had a conversation like this before we were engaged. I don't remember what started it but he said that because he knew I wanted kids so much if he found out he couldn't have any he would probably walk away to let me find someone who could....

I told him to stop being an idiot and that if he finds out he has infertility issues my response would be to start saving money so that we could adopt! - Then he laughed and said ok and we moved on with the rest of the conversation.

 

[Mercedes1]

Maybe the poster could have phrased this all a bit differently like what would happen if whn you were married or committed and started trying right away you found out there was an issue. The way it was worded makes it like," ok you are 20 and in love then someone kind of throws thows this out there. "

I think what happens and what would you be willing to go through or not go through is something each couple should talk about right before marriage. My wife and I had this talk that started as a joke when we were engaged, but I am glad we did because based oun our answers we saw how on target and right for oneanother we were. And of course, she did have to go through treatment. If she would have said I am not open to fertility treatments, then I would know she was not compatible for me as i was not ever open to adoption