If you knew your girlfriend or boyfriend were infertile

[Mercedes1]

If I say Biology doesn't matter, it shouldn't be insulting. And having your kids - who you have invested in say that someone else is their father would hurt anybody - a biological Dad or an adoptive Dad. It speaks more to the love you have for them that it would be devastating. Saying biology doesn't matter shoult in no way reduce you to nothing.

I understand wanting to see similar genetic traits in your child. I have one biological and 2 adopted children, so I understand both situations. But most of the time, when someone says biology doesn't matter, it means that it really doesn't matter in the feelings they have for those children.

ok skater thank you for pointing that out, especially the last line that makes a lot of sense, and I think you are correct they are saying it as far as their situation and their love

 

[Minnesota!]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

This. Having children was important - how I got them, not so important.

OP,

Sorry, but I cannot begin to comprehend your POV.....

The huge percentage of people would not know at a young age before dating and engagement that they might not be able to create a child.

Which then leads to the question.... what happens when no child is conceived, after what would be years of dating and marriage. The two questions/possibilities can not really be separated.

I suspect that you are not brand new to the DIS, and that this post is deeper than one might suspect.

I am with the poster who said the only thing that would affect my decision about marriage would be if my fiance/partner insisted that they would remain childless (for whatever reason).

Ditto!

 

[LIDisneyFan]

Maybe the poster could have phrased this all a bit differently like what would happen if whn you were married or committed and started trying right away you found out there was an issue. The way it was worded makes it like," ok you are 20 and in love then someone kind of throws thows this out there. "

I think what happens and what would you be willing to go through or not go through is something each couple should talk about right before marriage. My wife and I had this talk that started as a joke when we were engaged, but I am glad we did because based oun our answers we saw how on target and right for oneanother we were. And of course, she did have to go through treatment. If she would have said I am not open to fertility treatments, then I would know she was not compatible for me as i was not ever open to adoption

Thought you were done posting on this thread?

 

[FireDancer]

Some people want kids, other don't.

Some people would be open to fertility treatments, others aren't.

Some people would be open to adoption, others would only consider biological children.

None of these are wrong, they are just different. As long as the two people involved are in agreement I don't know why anyone else would care. Some other's couples decision has nothing to do with (general) you.

 

[Mercedes1]

Some people want kids, other don't.

Some people would be open to fertility treatments, others aren't.

Some people would be open to adoption, others would only consider biological children.

None of these are wrong, they are just different. As long as the two people involved are in agreement I don't know why anyone else would care. Some other's couples decision has nothing to do with (general) you.

well put Frank, thank you. I put openly what we did when faced with the situation, and I have been put down or attacked. I dind't attack others choices that they made , only explained why I made the choices we did.

This is turing into adoption vs anti adoption thread rather than what did YOU DO.

 

[luvmy3]

My DD is adopted from Guatemala.. and adoption was NEVER my "second choice" option either! I can not imagine my life without her.

My personal opinion... BIOLOGY DOESN'T MATTER! You obviously don't share the same blood with your wife- but you're STILL a family!

I would love to get pregnant the 2nd time around.. and I am looking forward to that experience but will it make or break my relationship? No!

I don't believe that anyone is saying that they believe an adopted child isn't family, and it can be seen as insulting if that is what you are insinuating.
Biology does matter to me, I wanted kids that were part of me, and part of my dh. However, if I did have an adopted child, they would be no less my child than one that I concieved, and my feelings for an adopted child would be no different than any I conceived. If I found out dh was infertile before we were married and he was against fertility treatments, I wouldn't continue the relationship because adoption wouldn't be my first choice for having a child. Doesn't mean its not a choice at all, but I would want to do what it took to conceive my own first.

 

[Mercedes1]

I don't believe that anyone is saying that they believe an adopted child isn't family, and it can be seen as insulting if that is what you are insinuating.
Biology does matter to me, I wanted kids that were part of me, and part of my dh. However, if I did have an adopted child, they would be no less my child than one that I concieved, and my feelings for an adopted child would be no different than any I conceived. If I found out dh was infertile before we were married and he was against fertility treatments, I wouldn't continue the relationship because adoption wouldn't be my first choice for having a child. Doesn't mean its not a choice at all, but I would want to do what it took to conceive my own first.

Thank you very much for this post; now that you have brought this point up I will as well, I don't think most people think of adoption as a first choice though I know there were exceptions. I think it's incredibly unfair to a child to adopt only after learning you can't achieve a baby by your first choice method, why should this child know they were choice B?

Next the truth is, and any fertility counselor will tell you this, when you adopt, you have suffered the loss of your biological kid, because it will likely now never be born . Adoption isnt a cure for fertility it's a way to parenthood, you have to be over the loss of your bio child first. I would never be able to mourn the loss of the baby I never had, and I would resent any child in their place,for these reasons, I knew adoption wasnt for me.

I understand why for others it was a good choice, and I am happy your families are complete

 

[tlbwriter]

I think it's incredibly unfair to a child to adopt only after learning you can't achieve a baby by your first choice method, why should this child know they were choice B?

What the...? What does this even mean? It's unfair to adopt a child after trying to get pregnant, because they'll know they were your second choice? You say something like this after whining that no one respects YOUR choice? Seriously?

 

[LIDisneyFan]

What the...? What does this even mean? It's unfair to adopt a child after trying to get pregnant, because they'll know they were your second choice? You say something like this after whining that no one respects YOUR choice? Seriously?

This

 

[luvmy3]

Thank you very much for this post; now that you have brought this point up I will as well, I don't think most people think of adoption as a first choice though I know there were exceptions. I think it's incredibly unfair to a child to adopt only after learning you can't achieve a baby by your first choice method, why should this child know they were choice B?

Next the truth is, and any fertility counselor will tell you this, when you adopt, you have suffered the loss of your biological kid, because it will likely now never be born . Adoption isnt a cure for fertility it's a way to parenthood, you have to be over the loss of your bio child first. I would never be able to mourn the loss of the baby I never had, and I would resent any child in their place,for these reasons, I knew adoption wasnt for me.

I understand why for others it was a good choice, and I am happy your families are complete

I think that really depends on the parents and if they love and raise their adopted child no different than they would their biological child, that child would never learn to feel like they were choice "B". The only way they would know they were choice "B" is if the parents made them feel like they were.

 

[skater]

Thank you very much for this post; now that you have brought this point up I will as well, I don't think most people think of adoption as a first choice though I know there were exceptions. I think it's incredibly unfair to a child to adopt only after learning you can't achieve a baby by your first choice method, why should this child know they were choice B?

Next the truth is, and any fertility counselor will tell you this, when you adopt, you have suffered the loss of your biological kid, because it will likely now never be born . Adoption isnt a cure for fertility it's a way to parenthood, you have to be over the loss of your bio child first. I would never be able to mourn the loss of the baby I never had, and I would resent any child in their place,for these reasons, I knew adoption wasnt for me.

I understand why for others it was a good choice, and I am happy your families are complete

You're right - adoption is definately not for you and I don't think you'd be a good candidate for it at all.

 

[Mercedes1]

I think that really depends on the parents and if they love and raise their adopted child no different than they would their biological child, that child would never learn to feel like they were choice "B". The only way they would know they were choice "B" is if the parents made them feel like they were.

I grew up in NY and went to college in Massachusetts, I had many good friends and a couple of girlfriends that were adopted. One of the common issues in all that were adopted after fertility was having some issue or guilt that they weren't the parents first choice; those were there thoughts not mine, and from an adopted childs pov very understandable. The other thing that was common was that most wanted to seek out their biological parents at some point to at least meet them or find out why the parent gave them up.

 

[tlbwriter]

My husband didn't marry his first girlfriend. I feel horrible that I was his second choice.

 

[luvmy3]

I grew up in NY and went to college in Massachusetts, I had many good friends and a couple of girlfriends that were adopted. One of the common issues in all that were adopted after fertility was having some issue or guilt that they weren't the parents first choice; those were there thoughts not mine, and from an adopted childs pov very understandable. The other thing that was common was that most wanted to seek out their biological parents at some point to at least meet them or find out why the parent gave them up.

I have a family member who is adopted, and she has never felt like that. She felt blessed to be chosen by her adoptive parents and she loved them dearly. She did want to know who her bio parents were, but only to find out about herself.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...The other thing that was common was that most wanted to seek out their biological parents at some point to at least meet them or find out why the parent gave them up.

This I can understand. No matter how much love the adopted parents show a child, that child could very well ask themselves this question. Of course, that is no reason not to adopt and raise that child as your own. But it is something to prepare for if you do.

It has to be heart breaking to think that your birth mother didn't want you.

 

[skater]

This I can understand. No matter how much love the adopted parents show a child, that child could very well ask themselves this question. Of course, that is no reason not to adopt and raise that child as your own. But it is something to prepare for if you do.

It has to be heart breaking to think that your birth mother didn't want you.

Yes, it is sad. Adoption comes out of some kind of brokenness. And that is heartbreaking. Adoption should be healing, but it takes a lot of work. There's a lot of grief involved at times. We deal with it by talking about it all the time, talking about why children are placed in adoptive homes, and about individual feelings. We also are very open about telling our adopted children that we will support them if they want to seek out their birth families. Anyone who adopts should learn as much as they can about all those messy feelings and be prepared to meet them head on.

 

[Mercedes1]

My husband didn't marry his first girlfriend. I feel horrible that I was his second choice.

You will always be my first choice

Nice to know that if we don't think the exact thoughts you do, we are less

 

[LIDisneyFan]

Yes, it is sad. Adoption comes out of some kind of brokenness. And that is heartbreaking. Adoption should be healing, but it takes a lot of work. There's a lot of grief involved at times. We deal with it by talking about it all the time, talking about why children are placed in adoptive homes, and about individual feelings. We also are very open about telling our adopted children that we will support them if they want to seek out their birth families. Anyone who adopts should learn as much as they can about all those messy feelings and be prepared to meet them head on.

Skater-you are so right. Communications and support are they key. My kids both know we can find their adoptive parents almost immediately if they chose to-right now, as older teens, they have no desire. But you need to understnad the desire if that is their choice and be supportive.

DD and DW spoke about this a few months ago, and DW asked D19 if she wanted the info yet. DD said no-not interested now, and DW said "well, we will be there every step of the way if you want". DD looked at her strangely and said "Of course you will, you're my mother"

As far as reasons parents made an adoption plan, we are very honest and factful. Their adoption story has been as much a part of their lives as any other child's birth story. They know the circumstances which led to their birth parents making their decision, and understand it has nothing to do with being selfish, but being selfLESS.

But again-you need to be ready to embrace adoption with open arms or you will fail.

 

[Mercedes1]

Skater-you are so right. Communications and support are they key. My kids both know we can find their adoptive parents almost immediately if they chose to-right now, as older teens, they have no desire. But you need to understnad the desire if that is their choice and be supportive.

DD and DW spoke about this a few months ago, and DW asked D19 if she wanted the info yet. DD said no-not interested now, and DW said "well, we will be there every step of the way if you want". DD looked at her strangely and said "Of course you will, you're my mother"

As far as reasons parents made an adoption plan, we are very honest and factful. Their adoption story has been as much a part of their lives as any other child's birth story. They know the circumstances which led to their birth parents making their decision, and understand it has nothing to do with being selfish, but being selfLESS.



But again-you need to be ready to embrace adoption with open arms or you will fail.

I don't agree that giving up your own child is a selfless act

 

[tlbwriter]

Nice to know that if we don't think the exact thoughts you do, we are less

Sorry, but hypocrisy really bothers me, and I feel you are being hypocritical when you demand people respect your decision not to adopt (and I do respect your decision, even though it wasn't the one I made) but then you do not respect their own decisions and claim their children will suffer simply because they didn't do what you did. In other words, YOU are doing exactly what you accuse ME of doing.