What would you do if you were thinking that your current bf or gf could be marriage material, but before any engagment, they announced that they would never be able to have a biological child or be able to carry a child, or were against fertility treatments. Would this affect your decision in continuing things going forward.
My wife and I just had a discussion about this, and I told her it would have affected my decision in getting married to someone because having a biological child was important to me and for many reasons I am not open to adoption.
This is not hey we got married and found out we needed ivf, I am curious if you knew this information ahead of time, what would you do,
I want to keep this polite and expect all of you to do the same, you can disagree with someone and have class doing so.
DH and I had 3 10+ hour long talking dates at the very beginning of our relationship. We both felt old and tired of finding things out well into a relationship (I was just 31 and he was an ancient 28 LOL), so we talked and talked and talked.
If one of us had KNOWN that we were infertile, we would have needed to talk more. Both of us were always open to adoption (our wallet, however, has remained the problem). Other things were discussed. Neither of us is a big medical person, which is one reason why we bonded so quickly, so that definitely changes the game with infertility, especially when just thinking about things.
It was absolutely a series of discussions, and any incompatibility would have actually made it *impossible* to love the other person. So it wouldn't have even been a case, for us, of dumping someone, because it would have simply been a case of "let's not become exclusive as we don't have the same core beliefs, values, and wishes for the future".
I think that a lot of people here are having a hard time focusing on the time BEFORE making vows.
If they didn't try to procreate before getting married, how would they know? I have many friends who thought they would get pregnant right off the bat and have struggled. I have friends who had no idea that there were issues with their swimmers or had no idea that they weren't ovulating regularly until they started TTC. I had no idea if we'd struggle or not. None whatsoever. Didn't know if being on the pill would mess things up for my fertility. Had no idea if I was ovulating or if I had bad ovaries or tubes or hormones prior to TTC. No clue at all.
Plenty of people know they have problems with their innards before trying to make it all work.
What is your definition of dumping? Dumping to me is when one party unilaterally decides the relationship is over when the other person would have continued on. If you decide the relationship is over, period, due to a situation over which the other person has no control, you've dumped them.
Moreover, if you break up with someone because they are infertile, you are striking at a very deep and emotional core, a place of already deep hurt and you might not get a nice "decent" break up.
But a person with KNOWN infertility probably wouldn't WANT a relationship with someone who only wanted a bio-kid. Right? They would probably have guidelines for dating and who to date, just like someone for whom biology is definitely something they want a chance at.
Maybe the poster could have phrased this all a bit differently like what would happen if whn you were married or committed and started trying right away you found out there was an issue. The way it was worded makes it like," ok you are 20 and in love then someone kind of throws thows this out there. "
But that's EXACTLY what they wanted to know! It's the exact question!
Why would they phrase it differently, when that's not what they wanted to talk about.
I grew up in NY and went to college in Massachusetts, I had many good friends and a couple of girlfriends that were adopted. One of the common issues in all that were adopted after fertility was having some issue or guilt that they weren't the parents first choice; those were there thoughts not mine, and from an adopted childs pov very understandable. The other thing that was common was that most wanted to seek out their biological parents at some point to at least meet them or find out why the parent gave them up.
There are definitely people out there who are adopted AND against adoption.
I've never met any. You have. The friends I have who are adopted are glad to have been adopted, plan to adopt in the future, and are supportive of it.
Just as you have an urge to have biology-information in your family, many people who are adopted have that urge, too. Doesn't mean anything negative for most people.
But I think (and I don't know because I haven't been in your position) that if I were facing infertility with a partner, I'd want someone with me who shared my hopes and dreams, and could understand my feeling of loss. I'd also want someone equally committed to exploring every option to become parents, and if none of them came true, I'd want someone who understood my grief. If I knew before marriage that someone wasn't that person, I'd walk.
But those are a small part of parenting, and to reduce parenting to that, to say that it's not worth it if you can't have those parts you don't want to be a parent, well to me it says that you aren't as invested in becoming a parent as I am, and if I were choosing a spouse I'd want one who was invested in the things I'm invested in.
And that's why the conversations BEFORE even getting engaged (before falling in love IMO) are good, and there's nothing wrong with moving on to someone who believes in what you believe in.
But this hypothetical isn't about feelings. In this scenario, BF/GF is infertile - feelings have nothing to do with that medical fact. What you are saying is that you can not accept that person for who they are - worts and all.
To me, that means you aren't ready for marriage - no matter how perfect the person may currently seem. Because once you're married, life WILL throw curveballs at you, maybe infertilify, maybe illness, maybe finance, most likely something you could never ever imagine right now. Unless you're ready to jump in to the future with the other person - regardless of what the future brings - you're not ready for marriage.
I highly disagree! We are *allowed* to have rules for who we want to date! And having rules doesn't mean you can't bend and change as LIFE interferes. But why start off with less than what you want, less than what you dream for? Why not start out with someone who believes in what you believe in?
Miraculous??? How is a parent giving up on their own child, then an infertile couple who has probably already went through hell with treatments miscarriages, finances who agrees to adopt a child because they can't afford or go through more treatment a miracle?
Because the couple and the child found each other in this vast enormous world....
