If you knew your girlfriend or boyfriend were infertile

[Andtototoo]

It wouldn't have been "dumping" the guy, in my case. We would have talked about it, he'd know what I wanted in life, in a marriage, children, everything. And if we weren't a match in one of the big ways, we'd break up decently and maturely, no "dumping" involved.

What is your definition of dumping? Dumping to me is when one party unilaterally decides the relationship is over when the other person would have continued on. If you decide the relationship is over, period, due to a situation over which the other person has no control, you've dumped them.

Moreover, if you break up with someone because they are infertile, you are striking at a very deep and emotional core, a place of already deep hurt and you might not get a nice "decent" break up.

 

[beatlesblonde]

I guess I'm in the minority here, if I found out my DH couldn't have kids and didn't want to adopt either I would have been perfectly fine with it since I have no desire to have kids at all. As far as either of us know, neither DH or I have any fertility issues but we still don't want kids. I could see if I wanted kids and the person I was dating didn't (or vice versa) that could be a red flag.

 

[shortbun]

My son was adopted. I always knew I'd adopt. I also knew I wanted to be a mom. Had my boyfriend said he didn't want children, I'd have walked because it was a deal breaker.
'

 

[ZachnElli]

Dh and I agreed that if for any reason we couldn't have children biologically, we would adopt. We have both biological and adopted. We adopted because I couldn't carry another child for unknown reasons. 7 miscarriages, it does make me feel like damaged goods already, to think my dh and best friend would have left me after that is just incomprehensible.

 

[minkydog]

If i knew during the dating games that my boyfriend was infertile, I would probably have thought that was a bonus. I'd like to think I would marry him anyway, if he was "The One." But if it was an issue of just not wanting children, no, I would not have stayed with him. I knew I wanted children from a long time ago.

 

[tlbwriter]

I guess I'm in the minority here, if I found out my DH couldn't have kids and didn't want to adopt either I would have been perfectly fine with it since I have no desire to have kids at all. As far as either of us know, neither DH or I have any fertility issues but we still don't want kids.

What if you found out he *did* want kids?

 

[aprilgail2]

Now, if he couldn't have kids, that sure wouldn't stop me from going to a bank and picking out an anonymous donor. I'm not all that interested in adoption.

I agree--If he couldn't have kids it wouldn't matter just as long as he didn't care that I would be having them via a donor. I did not want an adopted child- I was adopted and I wanted something that was my own flesh and blood.

 

[chisnpeke]

Having children is the thing that I want most in life. I think I would stay with my boyfriend and find an alternative method to having children. I really want to have biological children but I know adoption is an option as well as sperm banks.

 

[deegack]

I was in this situation. We have been married for almost 5 years. Dh knew he couldn't have kids at about 16. I actually found out I am also fertility challenged. We are blessed with our DD thanks to lots of doctors and a generous man and will adopt our second.

 

[Shutterbug]

What is your definition of dumping? Dumping to me is when one party unilaterally decides the relationship is over when the other person would have continued on. If you decide the relationship is over, period, due to a situation over which the other person has no control, you've dumped them.

Moreover, if you break up with someone because they are infertile, you are striking at a very deep and emotional core, a place of already deep hurt and you might not get a nice "decent" break up.

So other person should devoid themselves of that they want in life just so they wont hurt the other person?

 

[Happy Mom2]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

I agree with this.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

When I was going through IVF I belonged to a TTC board, where we all were going thru some type of fertility work. I'd say the large majority (about 80%) didn't realize that they would have problems until they started trying. That's when the problems like scar tissue, hormonal problems, repeated miscarriages, incompetent cervix, and low counts would start to show up.

You quoted me but I specifically referred to people who have had hysterectomies. I don't believe you will find them on TTC boards.

 

[Pigeon]

Not at all. I married a person because I love him and he is the most important thing in the world to me. I did not marry him for his breeding potential. I certainly would want to know if a potential partner had these kinds of thoughts because I would not continue in a relationship where this was a factor, regardless of my fertility status.

 

[Aisling]

What is your definition of dumping? Dumping to me is when one party unilaterally decides the relationship is over when the other person would have continued on. If you decide the relationship is over, period, due to a situation over which the other person has no control, you've dumped them.

Moreover, if you break up with someone because they are infertile, you are striking at a very deep and emotional core, a place of already deep hurt and you might not get a nice "decent" break up.

I totally don't agree with your definition of "dumping". To me, dumping someone is defined by the way you break up. If I don't want to continue the relationship and he does, should I stay with him just because it works for him? That's not honest. Too many people marry when they know they aren't a good match. You need more than love to make a relationship work.

I would be as kind and gentle as possible. My desire to have a biological baby with my husband is very important to me. It's not important for some. Going into something as important as a marriage means I have to be true to myself, otherwise I'd be setting us up for disaster down the road.

I think he's be lucky that I decide to say goodbye to him. I'd wish him well and hope he finds love again with a woman more compatible with him in that respect.

If a guy did that to me, I'd be hurt, but I'd understand his strong feelings and get myself over it.

 

[Aisling]

I did not marry him for his breeding potential.

Dumping. Breeding potential. These are harsh words to use. I see creating a child with my husband as sacred and not as breeding. It's a very strong desire for me and I'd like to find a husband who feels the same. And I did.

I also wouldn't marry a man who wasn't a hard worker no matter how much I loved him. Choosing the right spouse for me isn't something I took lightly.

 

[beaucoup]

Would not have mattered to me. I didn't really want kids. Would have been a relief actually if partner couldn't have any and didn't want to adopt.

Been married 23 yrs and no kids here.

 

[horseshowmom]

Ah, summer, when the weather is hot and so are the topics that trolls post...

Interesting 1st post there, OP, lol.

That's what I thought too!

I'm so thankful that my DH loved me more than potential future children. I was such an extremely liberal young woman and feminist that I told my extremely conservative, raised in the country boyfriend I did not want children - only a career. We loved each other so much that we married despite our differences. Over 20 years later we have one biological child and two adopted children - and I homeschool them .

Interesting post.

I can actually answer the OP based on my daughter's experience. She and her boyfriend had dated for several years before they became engaged. In the months leading up to their wedding, she found out that she has a condition that makes it life threatening for her to carry a child. Further, she has to take medication that could cause severe birth defects in a child. Her doctor made it very plain to her that she should not consider getting pregnant.

She actually took this very well. She had told her fiance before they got engaged that she really didn't think she wanted children, and she wanted him to be sure of how he felt about that before they started making serious plans. He was also an extremely conservative, raised in the country boyfriend .

She worked hard to complete her doctorate and is now practicing. They're very happy together. I think, based on some of their comments, that there is a possibility that they may eventually adopt one child, but it won't be anytime soon.

In their case, he chose a future with her over any potential children that they might have, and it seems to work for them.

 

[EMom]

It never entered my head that I would have trouble having a baby. DH and I knew we wanted children and of course we discussed it before we married. When we did try for a baby and had nothing but problems, walking away was never an option.

I would not have married a man who did not want to have children, because that was a must for me. You cannot make it work when one spouse must have children and the other refuses. The two are not compatible. So I would have only married a man who wanted to have children.

But if a man had said he would not consider adoption, I very likely would have ruled him out as a husband. Even before i married, I knew enough to realize that people sometimes unexpectedly have trouble having a baby and I knew I would be fine with adopting. If a man had not been equally okay with adoption, then he would not have been the man for me. My goal was to parent and that trumped genetics.

Good thing we discussed this before we married, because when infertility reared its ugly head, we faced it as a team. We were united, not divided. And yes, I was disappointed that I could not have a baby. But the second I laid eyes on my DD, I knew I would give my life for hers in a heartbeat. She was everything we could have wished for and more. In short, the most wonderful child in the world.

And she still is.

 

[FireDancer]

If having a biological child is important to you I could see it being a deal breaker for either party and I wouldn't blame them in the slightest for ending the relationship or at least not progressing to anything exclusive with that person.

There are only a couple of things I consider "deal-breakers" when it comes to getting married and not agreeing on if and how you will have children, whether that decision is a choice or pre-determined biologically, is one of them. I think it is the biggest one actually.

 

[kellyg403]

I don't think it would matter to me personally.