I don't get my friend... should SHE or HE concede... marriage? *Another UPDATE*

[golfgal]

I think he is waiting for her to grow up before he asks her to marry him. Get a job if you think the only thing holding you back is money for the wedding . I also think she needs a come to Jesus talk with her parents--if they expect this huge wedding, they better pay for it otherwise it should be up to the bride and groom what kind of wedding they have.

 

[wdwfan16]

She should take the next job offered and then save every penny for two year. She will have the $50K wedding she wants.

 

[Embel]

... She never talks to me about wanting a wedding, but I do know her family expects it. She isn't overly "girly", and neither am I, so even when I was planning mine, she wasn't all that interested in the details.

I think it has a lot to do with her parents, but I don't know why her BF is responsible for the money.

Does the boyfriend talk about it often, or was it just a simple comment once?

It sounds like it's a little soon to give her a Disboard conviction of being a money-hungry princess.

 

[MrsPete]

He would like to marry her, and she would like to marry him.

But this isn't really their top priority, is it? Because if it were most important, they'd be married.

He sounds like a level headed person who doesn't want to blow a wad of cash on what is basically an overpriced party.

Both my husband and I are stingy with a dollar . . . but we had a nice wedding -- not an expensive wedding, but a nice wedding. From a level headed point of view, it might not've been a good expenditure, but it was something that I WANTED, I had looked forward to, and I would've felt I'd missed something big if I hadn't had it.

By the way, we're coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary this summer. One of the reasons we've made it to the two-decade mark is that we pay attention to the things the the other REALLY WANTS and we make sure that it's provided. That doesn't mean that we spend frivolously on everything that crosses our minds, but when something really matters -- we make sure it happens.

In this case, IF they really do want to get married, the obvious answer is a SMALL wedding. It gives her the wedding that she craves, and it doesn't have to cost him $10,000.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Does the boyfriend talk about it often, or was it just a simple comment once?

It sounds like it's a little soon to give her a Disboard conviction of being a money-hungry princess.

Actually, HE does talk about it often, to my DH... says things like, "I really need to look for a ring," "She is a good girl, and I know I won't find anyone better than her," but he ALSO just as often says how much he doesn't want to dip into his retirement fund to pay for the large cultural wedding her family expects.

I think she wants the HUGE wedding because without it, she will feel guilty. I don't think she is ready to be the first one to do things differently, as her sisters, cousins, etc., have all done the "right thing" and had HUGE weddings.

But I know he WILL retire at 45, and spending $50,000 on a wedding could set him back a few of years. He is just not willing to do that. BUT, he is READY to get married to her... not so much ready to spend $50,000 to do it.

 

[Kathi OD]

See, this is EXACTLY how I feel. I am SO tired of hearing about how "he won't propose". And how she keeps turning down jobs! It drives me nuts!

He has no problem being her "sugar daddy". I guess he would like her to stay at home anyways, so... but still. The wedding thing is crazy. She just can't tell her parents, "no big wedding".

She can't tell her parents "no big wedding," because it's not just the parents who want the big wedding. SHE WANTS it too.

Oh, and if you're talking 300+ people, not even $50,000 is going to cover a big, blown out affair. You're talking more like $100,000 by the time all is said and done.

 

[mrsklamc]

DH and I were in a similar situation, but reversed. I begged to elope, but a wedding was important to him, because it was important to his family. We had one, but it wasn't crazy expensive.

I can't believe no one has pointed this out though- you said he'd retire a millionaire at 45 and really, to retire at 45, a million dollars is really not sufficient. He'd have to be a multi or deca millionaire.

 

[AKL_Megs]

DH and I were in a similar situation, but reversed. I begged to elope, but a wedding was important to him, because it was important to his family. We had one, but it wasn't crazy expensive.

I can't believe no one has pointed this out though- you said he'd retire a millionaire at 45 and really, to retire at 45, a million dollars is really not sufficient. He'd have to be a multi or deca millionaire.

He'll have millions saved, and close to $80,000 a year pension. Still, he doesn't want to blow $50,000, $100,000 or whatever amount it would be to have this huge wedding. He has plans for pretty much every dollar, and a budget for every year of what he HOPES to live, for the rest of his life. To deviate and spend that kind of money would derail his plans. I don't blame him one single bit.

I wonder what Suze Orman would say, LOL! Can he afford it! Ha!

 

[mrsklamc]

He'll have millions saved, and close to $80,000 a year pension. Still, he doesn't want to blow $50,000, $100,000 or whatever amount it would be to have this huge wedding. He has plans for pretty much every dollar, and a budget for every year of what he HOPES to live, for the rest of his life. To deviate and spend that kind of money would derail his plans. I don't blame him one single bit.

I don't either, at all. She's acting like a spoiled, selfish brat. And to be totally honest, if she were MY friend, she wouldn't be any longer.

 

[Christine]

This story serves as one of those examples of "huge red flags" that people ignore. I think the woman is out of line in this instance. The fact that she cannot realize this, cannot/will not compromise, and all the rest is a warning sign that there will be major bumps in the road of that marriage. Really, the guy should take this as a blessing in disguise and run.

 

[AKL_Megs]

This story serves as one of those examples of "huge red flags" that people ignore. I think the woman is out of line in this instance. The fact that she cannot realize this, cannot/will not compromise, and all the rest is a warning sign that there will be major bumps in the road of that marriage. Really, the guy should take this as a blessing in disguise and run.

I know, but he won't. He really, really loves her.

She is my friend and all, but she has some STRANGE priorities. She is 27. In 10 years, HE is totally prepared financially to support himself AND her. She could technically be a retired millionare at 37. She is nuts! She needs to forget about the stupid wedding and see everything thing ELSE! Hello!!!

 

[MrsPete]

He'll have millions saved, and close to $80,000 a year pension. Still, he doesn't want to blow $50,000, $100,000 or whatever amount it would be to have this huge wedding. He has plans for pretty much every dollar, and a budget for every year of what he HOPES to live, for the rest of his life. To deviate and spend that kind of money would derail his plans. I don't blame him one single bit.

I wonder what Suze Orman would say, LOL! Can he afford it! Ha!

So his dream is to retire.
Her dream is to have a huge wedding.
Why should marriage derail either of these dreams?

If they really want to get married, I see no reason why they can't BOTH have most of what they want. He works six months longer than he had planned (and she should get a full-time job if the wedding means so much to her), and she cuts back her expectations. They both get what they claim to want.

I suspect there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Either they're not quite so compatible as they appear, or they're both overly stubborn. Or something else that isn't visible to us.

 

[wdwfan16]

So his dream is to retire.
Her dream is to have a huge wedding.
Why should marriage derail either of these dreams?

If they really want to get married, I see no reason why they can't BOTH have most of what they want. He works six months longer than he had planned (and she should get a full-time job if the wedding means so much to her), and she cuts back her expectations. They both get what they claim to want.

I suspect there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Either they're not quite so compatible as they appear, or they're both overly stubborn. Or something else that isn't visible to us.

I agree.

I thought about this some more and it seems that he is in love with his money and she is in love with a big wedding. Knowing many Asians this IS important in their culture, so I can see her wanting this for her parents.

My DH will never spend money on himself but if I wanted something as bad as she does he would try to make it happen. I also love him too much to ask for overly expensive things.

It is probably best if they just part ways.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Wow! Your friend has some messed up priorities. I don't know why her boyfriend puts up with her.

Needless to say, if she really loves this man, I believe she needs to concede and have a small wedding or elope. If her parents are upset she can tell them she'll have the big wedding if they pay for it.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Actually, HE does talk about it often, to my DH... says things like, "I really need to look for a ring," "She is a good girl, and I know I won't find anyone better than her," but he ALSO just as often says how much he doesn't want to dip into his retirement fund to pay for the large cultural wedding her family expects.

I think she wants the HUGE wedding because without it, she will feel guilty. I don't think she is ready to be the first one to do things differently, as her sisters, cousins, etc., have all done the "right thing" and had HUGE weddings.

But I know he WILL retire at 45, and spending $50,000 on a wedding could set him back a few of years. He is just not willing to do that. BUT, he is READY to get married to her... not so much ready to spend $50,000 to do it.

That doesn't scream "love" to me.

So his dream is to retire.
Her dream is to have a huge wedding.
Why should marriage derail either of these dreams?

If they really want to get married, I see no reason why they can't BOTH have most of what they want. He works six months longer than he had planned (and she should get a full-time job if the wedding means so much to her), and she cuts back her expectations. They both get what they claim to want.

I suspect there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Either they're not quite so compatible as they appear, or they're both overly stubborn. Or something else that isn't visible to us.

Ditto.

Or would he have a problem with her working and then spending that money on a wedding?

I think they're both being stubborn and I almost always see things from the male POV, but in this case I don't. Everyone is jumping on her, saying that if she really loves him she'd marry him without the big wedding. Well, in this case, if he really loved her... which is more important? The girl... or retiring at the age of 45? If he's not going into debt for it and winds up having to work until he's *gasp* 46, do it.

Both of their priorities are a little skewed if you ask me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So his dream is to retire.
Her dream is to have a huge wedding.
Why should marriage derail either of these dreams?

If they really want to get married, I see no reason why they can't BOTH have most of what they want. He works six months longer than he had planned (and she should get a full-time job if the wedding means so much to her), and she cuts back her expectations. They both get what they claim to want.

I suspect there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Either they're not quite so compatible as they appear, or they're both overly stubborn. Or something else that isn't visible to us.

You think?

I think both of them are using each other so they do not have to marry at all.

They tell a nice story to OP, however it is all bunk.

 

[love2disney]

Ok from an Asian point of view yes we have big weddings where any1 and every1 turns up from the person u met at a bus in disney for 20 minutes lol BUT I have never known the brides parents not to foot the bill.

Like a PP said the brides family start saving when she is a teeny baby for the wedding. its just how the cultural mindset is. Aksing the boys family or gasp the boy to pay for it is a big no no.

I think the brides family is not too happy about her marrying a non asian and is not wanting the big wedding but the girl still wants it and wants he DFI to foot the bill.

 

[Kitzka]

My parents (asian) paid for my wedding to DH (non asian). We had about 500 people and my parents paid for everything except for:

My dress (i paid for that)
My DJ (they wanted some horrible asian coverband and i said no way)
The limo to the reception

They paid for EVRRYTHING else including the tux rentals for my wedding party and the bridesmaid dresses and the hotel rooms for those in the wedding party.

my parents are not rich at all but in our culture the asian parents paid for every aspect of the wedding. if they thought that DH or his parents were paying for anything they would have FREAKED.

I am raising my daughter differently but i know my parents will want a big to do for her and have already pledged to cover 1/2 the cost of her wedding as well. this way they can invite who they want

 

[clutter]

I think she wants the HUGE wedding because without it, she will feel guilty. I don't think she is ready to be the first one to do things differently, as her sisters, cousins, etc., have all done the "right thing" and had HUGE weddings.

But I know he WILL retire at 45, and spending $50,000 on a wedding could set him back a few of years. He is just not willing to do that. BUT, he is READY to get married to her... not so much ready to spend $50,000 to do it.

Ok, here's the problem as I see it, and not getting married now is probably a good thing.

One pregnancy will change his retirement plans. And if you think feeling guilt about not having a big wedding is bad, wait until you don't have a baby. Once married, big or small wedding, there is NO way they are NOT having a kid. Bye, bye retirement at 45!!!

 

[okeydokey]

This is how it is with her.

And he hasn't told me (or HER, from what I gather), but he HAS told my DH that he would marry her tomorrow if "he didn't have to spend $10,000 to feed 300 members of her family".

I am right there with him.

He's close to saving millions but can't 10 grand on a wedding?