I don't get my friend... should SHE or HE concede... marriage? *Another UPDATE*

[AKL_Megs]

$10,000 for a 300 guest wedding? In his dreams maybe.

I threw that number out there. I don't remember the exact number he quoted.

Even if it was $10,000... there still aren't rings, dresses, tuxes, drinks, venue, etc. I see where he is coming from. This wedding, if it were done the way she/her parents want it, would be upwards of $50,000... a huge kink in retirement plans.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Well shoot-what I really wanted was a Disney Fairytale wedding.

I had to settle for a Mickey and Minnie cake topper on my wedding cake at a local venue.

Hey, me too! Oh well.

To get the "say" you have to pay!

Someone should have told my MIL this...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I threw that number out there. I don't remember the exact number he quoted.

Even if it was $10,000... there still aren't rings, dresses, tuxes, drinks, venue, etc. I see where he is coming from. This wedding, if it were done the way she/her parents want it, would be upwards of $50,000... a huge kink in retirement plans.

And I don't blame him.

I know many folks don't like Dave Ramsey--but his philosophy in this arena is sound--

If her mommy and daddy don't pony of the cash for her wedding of their dreams, she needs to get off her butt and get herself a job and contribute to get the wedding she deems necessary.

But as long as she is in princess mode and at the beck and call of her boyfriend...and giving the milk for free ...he has every right to not waste his money on something so frivolous when she can't be bothered to work until her "perfect" work opportunity comes along.

 

[Rora]

Well shoot-what I really wanted was a Disney Fairytale wedding.

I had to settle for a Mickey and Minnie cake topper on my wedding cake at a local venue.

We were planning a Disney Wedding but it was way out of budget for our # of guests, what we wanted... I still cry myself to sleep at night.

I'm settling for a DisneyMoon Cruise. And must say that I'm very pleased with this agreement..

Little does DFi know that I have Disney Vow Renewal up my sleeve for our 10 year anniversary complete with a sorts of Disney magic and expenses! hehehe.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We were planning a Disney Wedding but it was way out of budget for our # of guests, what we wanted... I still cry myself to sleep at night.

I'm settling for a DisneyMoon Cruise. And must say that I'm very pleased with this agreement..

Little does DFi know that I have Disney Vow Renewal up my sleeve for our 10 year anniversary complete with a sorts of Disney magic and expenses! hehehe.

Would have loved the Disneymoon cruise--darn boat didn't sail until weeks (maybe a few months) after our wedding.

 

[Rora]

Would have loved the Disneymoon cruise--darn boat didn't sail until weeks (maybe a few months) after our wedding.

Go start planning!! I see you're pregnant- you should be treated to a cruise post delivery! DH should whisk you and baby away immediately off on a 7 night Caribbean cruise with Mickey and all day buffets!

 

[Ember]

Even us Disney brides end up compromising. I would have loved to have Cinderella's carriage, but at $2700 there wasn't a chance! There are a ton of other things you can add, too. All of which are beautiful and wonderful and expensive. So you pick and choose and go with what you can afford.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Since she's not a Diser--

I can call her an idiot.

Her priorities are mixed up and I feel she is with him only b/c he is her sugar daddy.

Let it be.

He'll walk from the princess eventually if all she sees is $$$$$.


Getting married is about spending a lifetime together. She's too focused on the big day and I don't find him at fault at all nor think he should concede.

ETA: there were things I wanted our wedding that weren't necessary nor in by budget. No ultimatums were issued or anything and I realized that getting married was more important than say....a dove release. LOL! The only regret, I really really really wished we had gotten the limo. But nearly 12 years later, we're still married--limo not required.

Ditto!!

 

[rie'smom]

UGH, I am so tired of witless people thinking it's about 1 day instead of the rest of their lives. My husband and I have been to several weddings that cost in the hundreds of thousands of dollars and not one of those couples is still married. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise when priorities are skewered.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

It sounds like their love for each other has strings attached. Not a great way to start a marriage.
He won't propose because......
she won't accept because........

sorry, but if you love someone unconditionally you do what has to be done to make each other happy (not everyone else). Did I want the $1000 wedding at the country bar we met at? Hell no! But that's what we did. We had 2 weeks to plan it before DH was shipped to Hawaii from CT.
did I want a fantabulous honeymoon? You betcha. What we did was drive across country to ship our car to HI from CA.

17 years later we are still together. The day is not important. It's the commitment to each other wether you spend $1 or 1 million dollars.

 

[dislaney]

If her family expects a huge wedding they really should pay for it. If they can't work together and compromise as to what kind of wedding to have - maybe it's better they don't get married.

 

[Took]

BernardandMissBianca is certainly right that her love sounds as if it has strings attached, but I'm not sure that his does.

It doesn't sound as if the BF is avoiding marrying this girl -- it sounds as if she is avoiding a commitment to him unless he does exactly what she wants. If he can't afford a big wedding, but would marry her tomorrow, but she won't marry without one, then she is the one with the problem, not him. He wants to get married; she does not.

I think he needs to dump the princess and move on. Her behavior is childish.

 

[AKL_Megs]

It sounds like their love for each other has strings attached. Not a great way to start a marriage.
He won't propose because......
she won't accept because........

sorry, but if you love someone unconditionally you do what has to be done to make each other happy (not everyone else). Did I want the $1000 wedding at the country bar we met at? Hell no! But that's what we did. We had 2 weeks to plan it before DH was shipped to Hawaii from CT.
did I want a fantabulous honeymoon? You betcha. What we did was drive across country to ship our car to HI from CA.

17 years later we are still together. The day is not important. It's the commitment to each other wether you spend $1 or 1 million dollars.

Our wedding was absolutely nothing special, and I can honestly say that after everyone stuffed their face and had a drink, they were bored out of their minds and couldn't WAIT to leave. I don't know about DH, but I will always remember it and the small little special things WE enjoyed. And hopefully, of course, like you, in 16 years, I can say we are still married!

BernardandMissBianca is certainly right that her love sounds as if it has strings attached, but I'm not sure that his does.

It doesn't sound as if the BF is avoiding marrying this girl -- it sounds as if she is avoiding a commitment to him unless he does exactly what she wants. If he can't afford a big wedding, but would marry her tomorrow, but she won't marry without one, then she is the one with the problem, not him. He wants to get married; she does not.

I think he needs to dump the princess and move on. Her behavior is childish.

I think you hit the nail on the head!

 

[lotzasunshine]

ok, maybe this is because I grew up on the poorer side of the scale, or because my Father was an accountant but I can't imagine even spending $10,000 on a wedding let alone more than $50K!!!! I don't blame the guy for not proposing if he is going to be expected to plunk down that much for ONE DAY!!! Wow. Her family should not expect him to pay the whole bill either. To me it does sound like she is sticking around for the money.

 

[Sarah_Rose]

There's one thing that confuses me, here: Yes, in many Asian cultures it is NECESSARY to have a large 500 person wedding. Also, in those same cultures, the brides' parents begin saving for that wedding the second the words, "it's a girl!" come out of the doctor's mouth. I've never heard of a situation where the parents were insisting on a large cultural wedding but not willing to put up the cash for it.

I was a bridesmaid in a 10-day, six-figure Indian wedding last year. It was fantastic, but the bride's mother planned the entire thing, and the brides' father wrote the checks. The bride just smiled and wore the outfits and knew that at least she'd be married at the end of it. This is the norm for many Eastern cultures.

I'm wondering if it is your friend who wants the big wedding, but her parents aren't so committed to it...

 

[AKL_Megs]

I'm wondering if it is your friend who wants the big wedding, but her parents aren't so committed to it...

I really can't tell. She never talks to me about wanting a wedding, but I do know her family expects it. She isn't overly "girly", and neither am I, so even when I was planning mine, she wasn't all that interested in the details.

I think it has a lot to do with her parents, but I don't know why her BF is responsible for the money.

 

[bumbershoot]

This situation is not about the wedding at all. It's about two people with big cultural differences who need to have some serious communication before they get married. This is right up there with marrying someone of a different religion, ethnic group, or political persuasion. You have to work those things out before the wedding and get on the same page. If she is set on a big wedding and he isn't, somebody has to give. If he's willing to pay for it all AND go for the huge over-the-top wedding, then it's a match made in heaven.

For a large part, I totally agree with this.

I still cannot believe the issues that come up with my half Korean husband, or rather his mother. Someday I need to send a gift to his aunts back in Seoul and Busan, because they have calmed my MIL down many, many times. I'm still not "the perfect Korean wife" (b/c I'm not Asian at all), but her sisters have reminded her time and time again that I'm a good person, woman, mother, and wife, even if I don't call her Every Single Day just to make sure she's still breathing.

The cultural issues, when the parents are from another country, cannot even be counted, they can be so high in number. YES there are some families that assimilate to American "culture" immediately, but I haven't met any yet.

My MIL and FIL never had enough money, due to his hijinks, to help anyone have a big wedding, and their daughter actually snuck away to marry her ex...active heroin user and felon she met while counseling in a halfway house...they wouldn't have paid to help her marry him anyway, so that worked out. But I know MIL would have liked to be able to do MORE for us...she just didn't have the money, and so didn't offer any suggestions at all (and suddenly I have a new insight into why she NEVER gave me ideas for anything...maybe she was afraid she would be asked to pay for them?).

So there could be a huge embarrassment factor, if your friend doesn't have a big wedding. But, and I'm just going by hubby's family and all of his Korean or half Korean friends and their families here, I would think that this would all be VERY MUCH discussed already, by the parents to her and to him multiple times. As in, he would know from the parents all that was requested...

This is how it is with her.

And he hasn't told me (or HER, from what I gather), but he HAS told my DH that he would marry her tomorrow if "he didn't have to spend $10,000 to feed 300 members of her family".

I am right there with him.

Glad that wasn't the exact number, b/c yeah, that wouldn't go far to feed 300 people! Especially a multiple course, lots of food just for show, Asian wedding type of feast.

There's one thing that confuses me, here: Yes, in many Asian cultures it is NECESSARY to have a large 500 person wedding. Also, in those same cultures, the brides' parents begin saving for that wedding the second the words, "it's a girl!" come out of the doctor's mouth. I've never heard of a situation where the parents were insisting on a large cultural wedding but not willing to put up the cash for it.


I'm wondering if it is your friend who wants the big wedding, but her parents aren't so committed to it...

I too wonder if it's truly coming from her parents. Just knowing MIL, she hated it when we just lived together, and was never happier when we were actually *married*...it was a big shameful problem that he was living with someone without being married.

 

[pigletgirl]

This is about BOTH of them agreeing so if one isn't on the same page, its a no go. It'll just add tension.

Now, even if the girl is from a 2nd generation asian family it doesnt mean she HAS to agree to a big wedding. Its her day and not theirs. (Ugh I'm struggling with the same...wedding part..not living situation..)

 

[shortbun]

I think he should ask her and cough up the dough. He can afford it you can't take it with you. What's 10grand between friends? If he's allowing the money to stand between them and a comittment, maybe she should leave him. Before you flame me, check out my siggie. But seriously, you save and scrimp for certain things in life, this is one of them. When my parents died with a pile of money, neither of them could bear to spend it on themselves to be comfortable. It was hard to watch.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There's one thing that confuses me, here: Yes, in many Asian cultures it is NECESSARY to have a large 500 person wedding. Also, in those same cultures, the brides' parents begin saving for that wedding the second the words, "it's a girl!" come out of the doctor's mouth. I've never heard of a situation where the parents were insisting on a large cultural wedding but not willing to put up the cash for it.

I was a bridesmaid in a 10-day, six-figure Indian wedding last year. It was fantastic, but the bride's mother planned the entire thing, and the brides' father wrote the checks. The bride just smiled and wore the outfits and knew that at least she'd be married at the end of it. This is the norm for many Eastern cultures.

I'm wondering if it is your friend who wants the big wedding, but her parents aren't so committed to it...

MTE

However bottom line is man won't propose so she can't even go to the JP with this guy.

And also why would this "financial guy" be with a women who turns down teaching jobs? Something is not right there.

I think both of them are telling stories because none of it adds up.