How strongly do you self identify as a "mom"?

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Maybe our lives weren't that great before becoming a mother so that is why we consider our lives to have started that day. My life had no purpose and was going no where. When I became a mother that changed, I changed.

For the women that put their children first, maybe there is no marriage to put first? Maybe they were raised to believe men can take care of themselves and children should be their priority.

I just don't get how someone whose life is going nowhere thinks having a baby can change that. And, if they don't think that, why would they even bring a baby into that situation in the first place? That's putting an awful lot of pressure on a tiny little baby to make everything right in the world for the adult.

As for those without marriages - I get that - but I can't recall one post where a woman said her marriage took top billing (although I know some posters alluded to it) and I can't believe every mother posting on this thread is a single parent. And, part of me wonders if ignoring one's marriage and being mommy and mommy alone is the reason why there is no marriage. A marriage needs attention and love and it should be something of a partnership - my husband is a whole heck of a lot more than a sperm donor...why even bother getting married or having a partner (I also realize many children are raised by two loving partners who are not allowed to get married, which is crap but a subject for another thread) if you don't plan to nurture the relationship.

Men need to take care of themselves? Is that what marriage is to you? Taking care of someone?

Anyway - I think people should actually rub two brain neurons together before popping out kids. And, I think their lives should be stable and have meaning before they rely on helpless, innocent children to fill that void. And, I want to know exactly what these women will do with their lives once their children are gone - how exactly have they improved themselves or their self-esteem and self-worth? What state will their marriage be in? And, finally, I most certainly do not think women should treat their partner as either another child or an outcast once the bambinos come along.

 

[SydSim]

I just don't get how someone whose life is going nowhere thinks having a baby can change that. And, if they don't think that, why would they even bring a baby into that situation in the first place? That's putting an awful lot of pressure on a tiny little baby to make everything right in the world for the adult.

As for those without marriages - I get that - but I can't recall one post where a woman said her marriage took top billing (although I know some posters alluded to it) and I can't believe every mother posting on this thread is a single parent. And, part of me wonders if ignoring one's marriage and being mommy and mommy alone is the reason why there is no marriage. A marriage needs attention and love and it should be something of a partnership - my husband is a whole heck of a lot more than a sperm donor...why even bother getting married or having a partner (I also realize many children are raised by two loving partners who are not allowed to get married, which is crap but a subject for another thread) if you don't plan to nurture the relationship.

Men need to take care of themselves? Is that what marriage is to you? Taking care of someone?

Anyway - I think people should actually rub two brain neurons together before popping out kids. And, I think their lives should be stable and have meaning before they rely on helpless, innocent children to fill that void. And, I want to know exactly what these women will do with their lives once their children are gone - how exactly have they improved themselves or their self-esteem and self-worth? What state will their marriage be in? And, finally, I most certainly do not think women should treat their partner as either another child or an outcast once the bambinos come along.

Lady, where have you been all my Dis life? And here I thought that I was the only one who thought that.

 

[3jsmommy]

I just don't get how someone whose life is going nowhere thinks having a baby can change that. And, if they don't think that, why would they even bring a baby into that situation in the first place? That's putting an awful lot of pressure on a tiny little baby to make everything right in the world for the adult.

As for those without marriages - I get that - but I can't recall one post where a woman said her marriage took top billing (although I know some posters alluded to it) and I can't believe every mother posting on this thread is a single parent. And, part of me wonders if ignoring one's marriage and being mommy and mommy alone is the reason why there is no marriage. A marriage needs attention and love and it should be something of a partnership - my husband is a whole heck of a lot more than a sperm donor...why even bother getting married or having a partner (I also realize many children are raised by two loving partners who are not allowed to get married, which is crap but a subject for another thread) if you don't plan to nurture the relationship.

Men need to take care of themselves? Is that what marriage is to you? Taking care of someone?

Anyway - I think people should actually rub two brain neurons together before popping out kids. And, I think their lives should be stable and have meaning before they rely on helpless, innocent children to fill that void. And, I want to know exactly what these women will do with their lives once their children are gone - how exactly have they improved themselves or their self-esteem and self-worth? What state will their marriage be in? And, finally, I most certainly do not think women should treat their partner as either another child or an outcast once the bambinos come along.

Woooaa, it sounds like you're assuming an awful lot by a few comments.
I cannot speak for anyone else that you were referring to so I'll just tell you how I feel.
I did respond to this thread that being a Mom is the most important thing in the world to me at this point in my life.
I have a very wonderful marriage, my husband is not ignored nor does feel so, I know this because I talk to him about our relationship all the time. I would be shocked if being a Dad isn't the first way he would describe himself at this point in our lives. We take a few or our "neurons rub them together & we figure out that we''l be together for a long time the kids are only going to need us for so long.
I am capable of being a mom first and foremost and still have an awesome, fulfilling marriage. I am woman..watch me multitask!
I also have a career in the health field that I love. I have a huge extended family and large group of friends. I love to run, cook, read and travel I have many things that bring me joy, but I won't ever spend a minute of my life regretting that I didn't give enough of myself to those things. I can't say the same thing about raising small children.
I didn't have kids to fill a void, but they did absolutely change me & thank god for that. At one point in my life I wanted to be the most successful woman on wall street heck, at one point I thought the sun rose and set on Bono and guess jeans priorities change people grow.
I am totally immersed in their worlds right now. I know that one day I'll wish that someone would put some cornflower blue crayola on my walls. I'll miss the chaotic car rides and crazy loud dinner times. I'll remember how they always yelled "mommy" when they had a bad dream & I came running. I'll see kids jump off the school bus into their moms arms & I'll know what that feels like. Contrary to what you think I won't be holding their old school photos and crying into their baby blankets with a bottle of scotch in my hand, I'll hopefully be enjoying my life and still having a great relationship with them.
I am so grateful that I have this wonderfully hard job of motherhood why wouldn't it be a huge part of who I am? Until the sun stops rising and setting on us in my kids eyes (and believe me I know that day will be here soon) my DH & I will put them first in our lives. I've seen moms distance themselves from their kids when they were just infants, I've seen them rush childhood so much that they skipped some of the best, simple little things. I want to soak it all up, I know this is a time in my life that I'll always look back on with my husband and smile and laugh about. I don't wear a huge necklace with my kids on it, I don't even wear mommy jeans, but yeah it is how I identify myself right now & I'm proud of it...

 

[DisneyMomx7]

Wow - I guess I do identify myself as a Mom (with 7 kids wouldn't you?). Of course I didn't realize I was demeaning myself or that I didn't have a life. My kids are the most important thing in my life, along with my husband. I know he feels the same way.

Seems condescending to act as if someone can tell everything about you just by your user name.

 

[jemgumby]

Very good question and an interesting one at that. While I am happy being a mom it was not something I have ALWAYS wanted. Don't get me wrong I love my DD but I don't identify myself as "her mom".....I also don't identify myself as "________'s wife". I personally feel that is degorratory. I also wouldn't want my DH to identify himself as "_______'s husband" or "____'s dad". We are each our own person and we each have to make our own life. I have seen way too many times where women have totally immersed themselves in the role of mom to the point of neglecting friends, husbands, personal interests, jobs, etc. I do take parenting seriously but feel it should be equal in terms of dads and moms sharing the load and just because I am a woman does not mean I should extend myself to the point of my detriment. So my answer would be that being a mom does not define who I am.

 

[Took]

I'm with you, Judy. I love my children dearly, but motherhood really does not define me as a person, and I doubt that it ever would. Furthermore, I *hated* pregnancy, and thought that childbirth was a hideous experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I had to be talked into having children, and though I don't regret it, I'm not romantic about it, either. Generally, as a mother, I'm at my best in crisis situations that call for quick thinking and strong nerves -- I'm pretty mediocre in terms of day-to-day mothering chores. I find the minutiae of motherhood quite stressful, really -- I think that I will be rather glad when my kids grow up and don't need round the clock supervision.

I think we're in the minority, here, but I agree with you, NotUrsula. I also hated pregnancy and, though I love my child and am close to her in many ways, I see as "mom" only some of the time. I see that motherhood defines my primary role right now, but I not my only role and all or even the best part of "me."

I don't know. Sometimes, I think I'm just ODD! LOL

 

[3jsmommy]

Wow - I guess I do identify myself as a Mom (with 7 kids wouldn't you?). Of course I didn't realize I was demeaning myself or that I didn't have a life. My kids are the most important thing in my life, along with my husband. I know he feels the same way.

Seems condescending to act as if someone can tell everything about you just by your user name.

I recently read a study that found woman who had both "mom" and the # of kids they have in their user names were proven to be the most self assured, well rounded and happy woman in the world! So congrats from one "Mom" to another on your choice of a user name it says more about you than you know! On the other hand anything about DVC is another story, but lets not get into that!

 

[dsny1mom]

I just don't get how someone whose life is going nowhere thinks having a baby can change that. And, if they don't think that, why would they even bring a baby into that situation in the first place? That's putting an awful lot of pressure on a tiny little baby to make everything right in the world for the adult.

There's a differance between feeling one's life is not that great and someone's life not going anywhere. My life pre kiddos was great in some respects. Great DH, fab career, wonderful freinds but something for me was missing, and that was being a mom. I didn't put any preasure on my babies/children nor did I look to them to fill something missing in me. They did fill the part of my life that enabled me to be a mom. Without them I wouldn't be a mom, just like without my DH I wouldn't have been a wife.

As for those without marriages - I get that - but I can't recall one post where a woman said her marriage took top billing (although I know some posters alluded to it) and I can't believe every mother posting on this thread is a single parent. And, part of me wonders if ignoring one's marriage and being mommy and mommy alone is the reason why there is no marriage.

Then there are the marriages where BOTH H and W put the kids first. That's what my DH and I did. We were adults and the children weren't. I feel sorry for anyone that is married to a person that feels they need to be put above their own child. DH and I had time for each other, but we planned it around the kids. It's not rocket sceince to plan date night when the kids aren't in a game, production, etc.

A marriage needs attention and love and it should be something of a partnership - my husband is a whole heck of a lot more than a sperm donor...why even bother getting married or having a partner (I also realize many children are raised by two loving partners who are not allowed to get married, which is crap but a subject for another thread) if you don't plan to nurture the relationship.

Gee I must have missed the posts where all the Mom's talked about failing to nuture their marriages.

Men need to take care of themselves? Is that what marriage is to you? Taking care of someone?

Is that all a marraige is? Nope. Is that part of a marriage? For some marriages taking care of each other is pretty dang important.

Anyway - I think people should actually rub two brain neurons together before popping out kids. And, I think their lives should be stable and have meaning before they rely on helpless, innocent children to fill that void.

I don't know who you are directing that towards but it's pretty insulting. My life pre children: I was Regional VP of a national company, married 5 years to a wonderful man, DH eaned enough that I became a SAHM after our children were born and our finances didn't skip a beat, and a whole host of other wonderful stable elements.


And, I want to know exactly what these women will do with their lives once their children are gone - how exactly have they improved themselves or their self-esteem and self-worth?

My self esteem and worth have grown greatly over the past 26 years as a mother. I was mayor of my city. I did everything in my children's schools that I could. I volunteered more than most entire families do. As for what I do now.. I went back to work in the same field I was in pre children. I figured it was about time I got paid for some of the hard work I had been doing the past 26 years for free.

What state will their marriage be in?

I lost my DH to a heart attack. The physicians never blamed it on putting the kids first.

And, finally, I most certainly do not think women should treat their partner as either another child or an outcast once the bambinos come along.

Good Lord. Since when does putting one's own fleash and blood as the top priority equate to treating their spouse like a child or outcast?

This is not directed at you or anyone else, but I think self absorbed people are the ones that need to get their neurons clicking before they bring an innocent child into the world that they don't consider their top priority. My Sister and BIL didn't have children because they wanted to be able to put each other and their marriage first. It was a good choice for them and probably would be for others.

dsny1mom

 

[AshleyW]

Wow...shocked how many women put motherhood as number one above their marriages. I can't believe how many posted that their lives began the day they became a mother.

My life began the day I was born. Not any one thing defines me as a person. I have been given these beautiful children to raise and guide and love. I would die for them. But there is no way I'd say they define me as a human being - I define me as a human being. All of the people I've met along the way, all of the experiences - good and bad - I've had, all of the responsibilities, failures, successes, etc. define who I am. I want the same for my children. I want them to know the love I've known, the self-confidence and good friends I've had.

I want them to know THEY are the most important people in the world to themselves and when they have happiness in their lives, all the people that come along life's path, including their own children if they choose to have them someday, will only make their lives richer. They cannot be defined by anyone other than themselves.

My life became different the day I became a mother. The core of who I am remains unchanged...it's my life and the experiences I've had since becoming a mother 21 years ago that have changed.

I can't wrap my brain around being so unsatisfied with oneself before children that children changed all that - I really, really can't understand how so many women put their children before their marriages. What happens when the children are gone living their own lives?

I understand exactly what the OP is trying to say.

Very well said!

 

[mothermouse]

Wow - I guess I do identify myself as a Mom (with 7 kids wouldn't you?). Of course I didn't realize I was demeaning myself or that I didn't have a life. My kids are the most important thing in my life, along with my husband. I know he feels the same way.

Seems condescending to act as if someone can tell everything about you just by your user name.

I agree. I'm alot of things, but most of all I'm proud to be a mom

 

[disykat]

Seems condescending to act as if someone can tell everything about you just by your user name.

I agree. Although the conversation is interesting, the premise doesn't make sense to me. I'm still waiting to hear about the people who identify themselves by Disney names, pets, location, etc. Are those their main priority in life. Really?

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Can't we be defined as more than one thing? I am a mother and I am a wife, but yes, being "mom" to two young girls defines me more at this time than "John's" wife. In reality, I feel that defining myself as a "wife" belittles my relationship with my husband. He's so much more than just "my husband". He's my best friend, my closest confidante, my partner in crime, lol, and he's daddy to our girls.
But, simply because my #1 is mom doesn't take away from the fact that I am an avid reader, a wannabe writer, a puppy loving animal lover, or a mean cook. It's the combination that makes me who I am. But, my children, my family is what means the most.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I wear many hats. Mom is just one of them. My life does not revolve around my children, however my life would be incomplete without them.

I will reflect with mom titles when I am focusing on momhood and using different titles when I am not.

According to my DIS name---pooh defines me.

 

[Buckalew11]

I agree. Although the conversation is interesting, the premise doesn't make sense to me. I'm still waiting to hear about the people who identify themselves by Disney names, pets, location, etc. Are those their main priority in life. Really?

Buckalew was my dog's name. He has since died. I chose this name because I'd never even heard of a message board when I came here and I thought Buckalew sounded like a name that people would not know if I was male or female and that, at the time, made me feel safer somehow.

Being the mom of a dog is not my main identity even though I chose his name for my screenname.

However, I still don't think I get the question. Reading through the answers, they are all over the place. This thread just confuses me. It reminds me aof a SAHM vs. working away from the home mother thread.

Is a mom of 10 better than a mom of 1? Or mom's with it in their screenname better than mom's w/o it in their name? It is all very weird to me. I'm just going to stay away from this one.

But I want to say, HI Judy!!! to the the OP!!

 

[Barb]

ITA. Family is the most important thing to me. And I absolutely LOVE being a Mom.

This says it for me too. While I am many things, I am first and foremost a mom. It's my most important and best attribute.

 

[Judy from Boise]

Buckalew was my dog's name. He has since died. I chose this name because I'd never even heard of a message board when I came here and I thought Buckalew sounded like a name that people would not know if I was male or female and that, at the time, made me feel safer somehow.

Being the mom of a dog is not my main identity even though I chose his name for my screenname.

However, I still don't think I get the question. Reading through the answers, they are all over the place. This thread just confuses me. It reminds me aof a SAHM vs. working away from the home mother thread.

Is a mom of 10 better than a mom of 1? Or mom's with it in their screenname better than mom's w/o it in their name? It is all very weird to me. I'm just going to stay away from this one.

But I want to say, HI Judy!!! to the the OP!!

Hi back ! I never tried to imply that screen names had a direct correlation with anything, merely that the number of screen names with "mom" in it got me wondering about this wierd and wonderfull topic. Actually the "from Boise" part came about because there was another active Judy(Judi) poster when I joined who was from DC.I just didn't want people to get confused !

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hi back ! I never tried to imply that screen names had a direct correlation with anything, merely that the number of screen names with "mom" in it got me wondering about this wierd and wonderfull topic. Actually the "from Boise" part came about because there was another active Judy(Judi) poster when I joined who was from DC.I just didn't want people to get confused !

So are you suggesting you are living a lie and you are not really from Boise????










........
(just kidding! But no really--where are you from?)

 

[luvmy3]

I can't wrap my brain around being so unsatisfied with oneself before children that children changed all that - I really, really can't understand how so many women put their children before their marriages. What happens when the children are gone living their own lives?

I understand exactly what the OP is trying to say.

I just don't get how someone whose life is going nowhere thinks having a baby can change that. And, if they don't think that, why would they even bring a baby into that situation in the first place? That's putting an awful lot of pressure on a tiny little baby to make everything right in the world for the adult.

As for those without marriages - I get that - but I can't recall one post where a woman said her marriage took top billing (although I know some posters alluded to it) and I can't believe every mother posting on this thread is a single parent. And, part of me wonders if ignoring one's marriage and being mommy and mommy alone is the reason why there is no marriage. A marriage needs attention and love and it should be something of a partnership - my husband is a whole heck of a lot more than a sperm donor...why even bother getting married or having a partner (I also realize many children are raised by two loving partners who are not allowed to get married, which is crap but a subject for another thread) if you don't plan to nurture the relationship.

Men need to take care of themselves? Is that what marriage is to you? Taking care of someone?

Anyway - I think people should actually rub two brain neurons together before popping out kids. And, I think their lives should be stable and have meaning before they rely on helpless, innocent children to fill that void. And, I want to know exactly what these women will do with their lives once their children are gone - how exactly have they improved themselves or their self-esteem and self-worth? What state will their marriage be in? And, finally, I most certainly do not think women should treat their partner as either another child or an outcast once the bambinos come along.

You got all that because we put our kid's before our husbands? uumm, okay Being married to my husband doesn't come first because its not something that is a part of me, I'm a part of it. I love my dh very much and yes we were extremely happy and fufilled before children. Having our kids was always the plan for us, not because our lives were going nowhere, but because it was the next step in our relationship. When the kids were born they became #1, our relationship hasn't changed, we aren't ignoring our marriage, its just our priorities had shifted. When the kids are grown and out of the house, our relationship will be the same as it has always been.
Honestly I wouldn't let my dh put me before our kids, in fact I wouldn't forgive him if he did. I don't think any child should go through life knowing that they are not the most important thing in their parents life.

I wear many hats. Mom is just one of
them. My life does not revolve around my children, however my life would be incomplete without them.

I will reflect with mom titles when I am focusing on momhood and using different titles when I am not.

According to my DIS name---pooh defines me.

I'm just glad its Pooh Bear

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Oh--and I don't really "love" pooh--but everyone IRL thinks I do--he's cute, he's cuddly--but that's as far as it goes for me.

I am uncreative when it comes to screen names. And that is what I picked.

My name IS Lisa...but I don't "love" Pooh.

Glad to confess that burden off of my chest.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

You got all that because we put our kid's before our husbands? uumm, okay Being married to my husband doesn't come first because its not something that is a part of me, I'm a part of it.

Everyone's life has seasons--and if you have children that is the season you are in. I get that we shouldn't neglect the spouse--but I didn't create him nor did I deliver them. Doesn't mean that I bend over backwards and avoid him for the sake of the kids either.

I'm just glad its Pooh Bear

Me too.