How should I deal with my kids asking questions about your disability?

[pwoodham]

I've gotten such great information here for our upcoming trip with 2 people in wheelchairs, and I've been reading some of the other information and threads on the forum. The one that really got me thinking was the one about how to deal with staring. When we see someone in a wheelchair, especially a young person, my four oldest boys (ages 3-11) always ask me what happened to that person. I have always told them, "I don't know, why don't you ask him/her?" Of course, this is usually done within the hearing range of the person in the w/c. I've always thought that it was better to get the kids to talk to the person directly and I haven't tried to shush them, because I thought that would be more rude than having a conversation. While I realize not every disabled person will react the same way, is my approach in general ok or should I be doing something different?

 

[Talking Hands]

I would much rather explain to a curious child about my disbailities than the parents act like I am something to be feared and stay away from. What you are doing is fine. Kids love my wheelchair and how it works. It is hopefully temporary. I also don't mind them seeing my hearing aides.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I would completely agree with both of you. If a child is wondering, and the person is able to explain the problem, the child will not be frightened and will get a better uderstanding of the world. Make sure the child talks to the person, not over them.

 

[pwoodham]

Getting the boys to talk to the person is usually not a problem, because they enjoy conversing with someone who is not looking down at them. I guess that sentiment applies to everyone, doesn't it?

 

[mhopset]

Here lately most people seem to be very interested in my new scooter instead of me. It seems everyone wants to know how much it set me back. I tell them it didn't set me back a penny, but the insurance company sure isn't to happy.

I guess I better answer the question. I would much rather someone walk right up to me and ask "why are you in that scooter?" than stare at me. I would just tell them I'm a Jerrys kid.
ok, ok bad Tony. No, really it is no problem at all when someone asks about my disability. I think it helps kids to ask and to know there are people that are different. I ususally just tell them that my legs and arms don's work like theirs do, and then I explain I have Muscualr Dystrophy. Usually when I say that the first thing some kids say is "are you going to die" then I start to cough uncontrolably and act like I just died. JUST KIDDING. I'm in a mood today, (I just took a look at my stocks). I just tell them I will die someday but not because of MD. Ok I'm done.

Really though encourage them to ask and to talk to people with disabilities. It really is a good form of therapy for them and for me.

 

[LindaDVC]

We've had some parents -- say Hi I am Joe and this is my kid Bill.
and start a conversation rather than just say hey what is wrong with you!

Recently a friends child at church was overhearing me talk about the difficulty with Dan's swollen feet and sores that have developed. During the conversation she asked if that was why Dan used the wheelchair. I explained that he had broken his neck and couldn't walk etc.

She asked when he broke his neck and when she heard 20 years she shrieked " IT HASN'T HEALED YET!"

It was too cute!

Linda

 

[babybelle]

I hate stares, my youngest has recurrent seizures and about 1 years developmental delay. As she looks 'normal' I get horrified stares when she lets out screams of frustration or bites/nips to get attention.

I would prefer folk just to ask. One good thing is I am no longer judgemental about others - if I see a child throwing a tantrum in the street I no longer think that its disgraceful or poor parenting (and I am actually ashamed that I once felt that way).

My older two are still kinda young (7 & 3) but seizures are a way of life to them now. If we are out of the room or dont notice that DD is having one (they are more like infantile spasms) they shout out 'seizure' - I just hope we never see anyone else having one and they shout out about it!!!

 

[BCV23]

pwoodham...I know that you're trying to be sensitive just by the fact that you're asking this question. I have two children with disabilities and they are very uncomfortable when people talk to them about what happened to them or even worse "what is wrong with you?" Like most young people they want to fit in and are mortified when people make it so obvious that they are different. Picture being sixteen and having a complete stranger asking you "How long have you had that zit?"

 

[DisneyAnna]

babybelle, I thought you were reading my mind---i, too, used to think badly of kids who were pitching a fit in public. Now that I have my own Special Needs Child, I am ashamed that I was so judgmental! Actually, I have come to envy the kid that feels free to wail in the middle of the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon--OH HOW I WOULD LOVE TO LET LOOSE LIKE THAT!!

Now, to answer the question regarding kids asking about the disability...
I think I would prefer that people ask us why it is that we aren't waiting 90 minutes in the line, since it appears that everyone in our group is 'able-bodied'. We often get rather nasty looks, and I've even felt compelled to explain in a louder-than-necessary voice that my son is autistic. It's kinda funny, actually, when I say that, I can see the cast member or other guests nearby get a look of 'oh, you poor thing! having Rainman as your son'--kinda shows how misunderstood alot of disabilities are, you know?
I wouldn't trade my life for ANYTHING--I feel blessed to have been given a *Special* Child.
Okay, this concludes today's lecture......

~~Anna

 

[babybelle]

DisneyAnna - I often use the 'special' description to explain disability to my children.

I think its easier sometimes to say that the person who looks or acts a little different is special because of their differences. Same as my DD is special to our family and sometimes needs extra hugs or attention.

 

[BounceyOne]

My DD is 3 and on occasion she has asked why someone is in a wheelchair. I just tell her that their legs don't work like ours, so they need a special chair. I do not say there is something wrong with them, because there isn't anything wrong with them.

 

[SueM in MN]

I just tell her that their legs don't work like ours, so they need a special chair.

BouncyOne, that's what I tell kids who ask about my DD. I also tell them that she can't talk like they do, but she can understand whatever they say to her.
I like it much better if parents try to do something to answer their kids questions about my DD than when they just "shush" the kids and say "We'll talk about it later." I know they are often trying to make less trouble for me and my DD, but it ends up making the kids think there is something wrong that can't be talked about. And I have already heard parents give information that I would not want the kids left with - like someone who told her child that my DD had probably been in a car accident!

 

[DisneyAnna]

I agree wholeheartedly that children should never be told that there's something *wrong* with someone and that is why they are disabled.
One of my friends has a little boy who, upon first meeting my son, asked his mom "Why can't Adam breathe?" I had to laugh, because Adam CAN breathe, he's autistic and has difficulty expressing himself. My friend, however, was so embarassed--obviously she had talked to her son prior to arriving at our house and told him that Adam was *different*.
I told him that God makes everyone special, and he just spent alittle extra time with Adam. it isn't my intention to sound *preachy* but i think kids understand it when I tell them that God makes everyone special--that way they feel that they are unique too! I also told him that it's okay to ask about Adam and what makes him different from other kids---now he tells his younger brother that Adam just needs alittle extra help finding ways to tell us what he wants/needs.

I gotta say, I appreciate that this topic is even addressed--it shows that alot of people are trying to show compassion for one another, and tolerance for our differences and individuality.
Thanks!
~~Anna

 

[redd45]

My son Brian was severly brain injured in a automobile accident when he was 13. He was in the hospital for a very long time then on to rehab for 8 months. Rehab was 2 and one half hours away so I stayed at Ronald McDonald House the whole time(bless that place). The managers stay 24/7. I would have thought they were trained on how to deal with just this problem,but apparently not. One very nice couple brought there children to stay with them(5 or 6yrs old)adorable kids. One day in the hall they were staring at my son,so I asked them if they would like to say Hello to Brian. This started the kids asking ?. There father pulled them away and explained that wasn't polite( he acted really embarrassed). I didn't mind answering their questions,small children are curious not rude. This was the first time anyone made me feel like WE had a disabilty. If kids are made to feel embarrased about their curiosty when they are young they can't deal with someones disabilty when they are teens and end up making fun of the disabled. I say let them ask most people don't mind answering a curious child.
Baby Belle: I chuckled when I read the last part of your post. My son do to the severity of his brain injury can only say a couple of words. One of his favorites his calling us Old Farts. We haven't been able to teach him that this isn't appropriate behavior. There have been times when we've been in public and he'll be mad and shout "old fart" at me,but you should see the looks we get from the older people.
My father lost an eye do to a work related accident and when kids would ask about it he would pop it(glass eye) out and show it to them. He would explain that his eye was special and to not to try it with their eye,cause theirs wouldn't go back in. Most kids never asked about the eye again. Whoa I think i've been a little long winded.Susan

 

[SueM in MN]

My father lost an eye do to a work related accident and when kids would ask about it he would pop it out and show it to them. He would explain that his eye was special and to not to try it with their eye,cause theirs wouldn't go back in. Most kids never asked about the eye again.

I can just picture that. I would bet those kids were careful what they asked about after that.

 

[D L and K's Mom]

My DS had a stroke at a very young age and it has left him unable to speak and he is at the age/stage level of a 2 year old. We were at the dentist's office a few years ago ( David was 10.) David has quite a few autistic tendencies as a result of the stroke , one of which is standing and rocking, clapping and letting out "happy giggle" sounds. While we were waiting our turn at the dentists office we were seated next to a young mother and her young son maybe 5 or 6 . David was doing his usual rocking, clapping. The boy asked his mom, "What's the matter with that boy?", he was immediately "Shhhed" by his mom who was clearly embarassed. I didn't say anything at this time. Again, he asked his Mom, "What is the matter with that boy"? This time I told his mom (who was bright red) that it was OK and I proceeded to explain that David had had an injury to his brain and it had been hurt etc...the boy looked at me and responded..."No, not that, what's wrong with him, why is he so happy, this is the dentists office"! I laughed so hard. Here I am going on and on trying to explain to this little innocent boy who's Mother clearly wanted to crawl under the chair about brain injuries and strokes and all he wanted to know was how come David was happy in the dentist's office. I have no problem with children asking about David and I try to answer them as truthfully as possible. I really think it helps them to be less afraid. I know it is hard for parents, the first response is to shhh the children and be embarassed. I have found my daughter handles the situation wonderfully. She is a great advocate for her brother and I think it helps a child when his/her questions are answered by another child. I bring David's wheelchair and some of his other addaptive equipment into my classroom (1st grade) to show the children (parents are also invited). I tell them about it and they are encouraged to touch it etc and we have a question and answer session. I know at my daughter's school they have to spend a day at school in a wheelchair so they can see how hard it really is. I know the first few minutes they think it is "cool" but after a few hours when their arms start to hurt and they need help in the bathroom and the lunchroom it really starts to become real to them . I think this is a great program as it teaches the kids that just because you are in a wheelchair etc. you are still the same person but you may have a few more obsticles to conquer in your everyday life.

 

[SueM in MN]

Cute story!
And I think the real life lesson in wheelchair use/disabilities is really neat. I think that would be a good idea for all schools to do.