How do you handle the Holidays when...

[Luvstotravel]

I also guessed that the "SO" is of the same gender as your son. I'm also guessing that your son knows that you disapprove, and is choosing his SO over you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

You can be independent (living on your own, good job, etc) and still be super close to a parent and want to be in frequent contact, sure---but it is also fine and pretty normal to want more space as an adult--that does not mean your child does not love you---it just means that person needs more emotional space.

I don't know. I can tell you are hurting and i am sorry. I really think the best you can do is be there for when your son is up for spending time with you and make that time pleasant, not guilt ridden or full of expectations and pressure. (my husband would rather spend ANY time other than holidays with his family--the holidays are just too busy, full of too many expectations and too many people all at once and he is miserable trying to cope with it all).

I will say that in reading your posts, all the references to your son's significant other feel a little bit antagonistic--like there is something about that person you really don't like. I figure if i am picking up that vibe through a screen, it is likely your son and the person he loves pick it up even more so in reality. I may be totally off base, it is hard to read tone in short posts on the internet, but if there is ANY truth in that feeling I am picking up on, well, maybe you can try to work out you issues with this person you do not know (do you blame them for your son'S distance?)? It might help in the long run.

 

[kamik86]

Now reading some of the other comments I'm going to say this.

When I was in high school my mother hated the man that is now my husband. Not because of anything he did but because of mistakes my sister made in high school (she was pregnant at her high school graduation) and that I was the "baby" of the family and he was taking my time away from her.

All this did is made me want to be around her less. Those years were pretty strained between us. I was around my mom as little as I could get away with to be honest. I felt like she was making me choose. As a rule if someone is making me choose between them and someone else... I'm pretty much always going to choose someone else. It wasn't his fault I was spending less time around her, honestly it was hers.

Then I made it out of high school without getting pregnant. She met him enough to realize he is an amazing person, everyone else in the family loved him even before she came around. I went off to college and he would still even stop by my parents house to help fix computer issues and stuff since he was still nearby. It took until I came back near home for a 6 month internship after my sophomore year but mom's outlook changed. She stopped blaming him and realized that he was here to stay. Since then she along with the rest of my family fully embraces my husband. The reason we spend time with them every holiday is that they make him feel completely welcome too. As we all do for my sisters husbands or boyfriends (even the one most of us don't actually like).

I am very thankful my family does this. Because 7 years ago shortly before our wedding my husband lost his mother. His Dad hadn't been in the picture for years (I never even met him) and he really doesn't speak to any of his family anymore. So I"m very glad he has mine.

Maybe if you really put in the effort to know your son's SO he will make the same change I did and start wanting to spend the day around you.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe she continued to say"so" to try and keep from being accused of unacceptance.

Anyway, op, one thing I have learned over the years with my adult sons was to always accept the person they love. And to treat that person as a part of the family from the moment I met them. Not always easy and with one it took a lot of tongue biting but it kept the peace and my relationship with my sons in tact. It sounds like this person was expecting unacceptance so the more welcoming you are, the better.

For a Christmas gift. Ask your son what to get this person. And a nice personal gift that is something you know he? would like would be best. Just like you will buy for your dil.

 

[NewRVLady]

I will say that in reading your posts, all the references to your son'd significant other feel a little bit antagonist--like there is something about that person you really don't like. I figure if i am picking up that vibe through a screen, it is likely your son and the person he loves pick it up even more so in reality. I may be totally off base, it is hard to read tone in short posts on the internet, but if there is any truth in that feeling I am picking up on, well, maybe you can try to work out you isses with this person you do not know (do you blame them for your son'S distance?)? It might help in the long run.

I think that also

One of the advice columns had a great letter this week from the SO whose partners parents come to their big Thanksgiving bash each year-refuse to speak to him, or make eye contact and Mom goes stiff when he hugs her. It was heartbreaking.

Think really hard about how you feel about your son and his life choices-that is the key

 

[HM]

Even though you've only met him/her once and briefly your son must have discussed his SO's job, likes, hobbies, sports affiliation??? (Eek I hope he/she is not a Jets or Giants fan!)

My go-to is a very soft throw blanket in a neutral color.

 

[ronandannette]

...I will say that in reading your posts, all the references to your son's significant other feel a little bit antagonistic--like there is something about that person you really don't like. I figure if i am picking up that vibe through a screen, it is likely your son and the person he loves pick it up even more so in reality. I may be totally off base, it is hard to read tone in short posts on the internet, but if there is ANY truth in that feeling I am picking up on, well, maybe you can try to work out you issues with this person you do not know (do you blame them for your son'S distance?)? It might help in the long run.

Moreso, downright disdainful, the way I read it. It really doesn't matter, in the context of the discussions here, if the DS has a boyfriend or girlfriend - the outright refusal to refer to the person as either he/she or him/her reads awkwardly and feels like the IRL equivalent of refusing to look at someone when they're right in the same room. Open your heart a little, OP. Your acceptance of this "SO" as a person is going to be the key to much of your future relationship with your DS. Doing so need not be seen as the abandonment of your own values, or a stamp of approval on anything that flies in the face of any beliefs you might have; it's just simply the way reasonable, kind, goodhearted people relate to one another and I must point out, the way you likely want this "SO" to treat you.

 

[phorsenuf]

It occurs when you run into them in walmart, attempt conversation and they walk away from you. According to my ds he has no idea why he would do that

So this reply answers if the OP's son is gay. My guess is that you and your family do not approve of his lifestyle and that is why he is shutting you out of his life. So very sad. I cannot imagine any parent being that way. I think it's time to accept your sons boyfriend and move on to repairing your relationship. Perhaps you, your son, and his boyfriend could meet for lunch or dinner so you can get to know him better. Seems to me they are in a committed relationship and may be a part of your family for a long time.

 

[HM]

One of the things I've done when my kids bring home friends is to not ask the new person any questions. Don't put them on the spot at the start. We go about our day as if we already knew them, have the conversations we'd normally have about things or nothings, watch tv, make food together, etc. I find that it helps to not be so formal about meeting new friends and we can gather information about them and they about us in a relaxed manner. They hopefully will join in when they start to feel comfortable. I hope this helps in some way.

 

[GaryDis]

Your deliberate refusal to put a pronoun on the SO fills in a lot of missing info.

This was the first thing that popped into my head, but then I'm gay, and it's always the first thing to pop into my head whenever there's such ambiguity.

But I'm not sure it's appropriate to raise that issue explicitly without the OP being ready. If nothing else, the term "SO" is not a euphemism for same-sex partner. (We use "friend of Dorothy" when we want a euphemism. ) The inference may be correct, it may not be. While I would hope that anyone here struggling with issues around an LGBTQ child would feel comfortable enough to discuss it candidly, and will even go as far as saying it's healthy to overcome any such reluctance to discuss things bluntly, yet I don't feel this is the right place to be yanking people or their parents out of whatever closet they may be stuck in. And I especially don't like expressing such conclusions without being 100% sure of their accuracy, which we can't be.

It took me years to come out, and wasn't a process to be rushed. Parents deserve the same patience.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I too wonder about how the son's SO is involved here.
No matter who this SO might be.

The whole 'SO' thing really does not come off well.
And, while the OP refuses to use any name or pronoun other than SO, she also (to my knowledge) has not mentioned whether this person will be visiting with her son, when and IF, he visits for Christmas. From what I have noticed, all comments have referred to her son, alone.... NOT 'They will visit only at this time...' But, 'He will visit....'

It also isn't clear whether the OP has really met this person.
She implied a short meeting, but IMHO, running into somebody at Walmart, having not been introduced and not having spent even a few minutes of time with them, is not really 'meeting'. Was her son not there at that time, to make an introduction and run interference. I might not be comfortable in that situation either.

The OP seems to be very evasive.
Only seems to give info that would indicate that her son is the one who has done things like 'cut family out of his life'.. which are not completely true.
And, I have noticed that she has also gotten stand-offish and even antogonistic with 2-3 posters here who question her, give her advice that she might not want to here, and don't pat her on the back and say 'poor dear...'

 

[cabanafrau]

You can be independent (living on your own, good job, etc) and still be super close to a parent and want to be in frequent contact, sure---but it is also fine and pretty normal to want more space as an adult--that does not mean your child does not love you---it just means that person needs more emotional space.

I don't know. I can tell you are hurting and i am sorry. I really think the best you can do is be there for when your son is up for spending time with you and make that time pleasant, not guilt ridden or full of expectations and pressure. (my husband would rather spend ANY time other than holidays with his family--the holidays are just too busy, full of too many expectations and too many people all at once and he is miserable trying to cope with it all).

I will say that in reading your posts, all the references to your son's significant other feel a little bit antagonistic--like there is something about that person you really don't like. I figure if i am picking up that vibe through a screen, it is likely your son and the person he loves pick it up even more so in reality. I may be totally off base, it is hard to read tone in short posts on the internet, but if there is ANY truth in that feeling I am picking up on, well, maybe you can try to work out you issues with this person you do not know (do you blame them for your son'S distance?)? It might help in the long run.

I too agree about the comments about the SO and have from the start. I've hesitated to go there because I have an idea why that is, and suspect that is the root of the problem.

 

[phorsenuf]

She did use the word 'he' upthread so I think that answers everything.

 

[SparklePixie]

This was the first thing that popped into my head, but then I'm gay, and it's always the first thing to pop into my head whenever there's such ambiguity.

But I'm not sure it's appropriate to raise that issue explicitly without the OP being ready. If nothing else, the term "SO" is not a euphemism for same-sex partner. (We use "friend of Dorothy" when we want a euphemism. ) The inference may be correct, it may not be. While I would hope that anyone here struggling with issues around an LGBTQ child would feel comfortable enough to discuss it candidly, and will even go as far as saying it's healthy to overcome any such reluctance to discuss things bluntly, yet I don't feel this is the right place to be yanking people or their parents out of whatever closet they may be stuck in. And I especially don't like expressing such conclusions without being 100% sure of their accuracy, which we can't be.

It took me years to come out, and wasn't a process to be rushed. Parents deserve the same patience.

She confirmed after many posts the son's SO is a he.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This was the first thing that popped into my head

But I'm not sure it's appropriate to raise that issue explicitly without the OP being ready.
It took me years to come out, and wasn't a process to be rushed. Parents deserve the same patience.

I think you are right...
Maybe anyone who wants to mention that fact that the OP could possibly have some issues with the son's SO, their relationship, etc.. might be able to say that without making any assumptions or bringing up unknown factors.

 

[Hrhpd]

It occurs when you run into them in walmart, attempt conversation and they walk away from you. According to my ds he has no idea why he would do that

So, his partner turned away from you and your son has no idea why he would do that?

You asked how you handle an adult child not wanting to spend the holidays. You are going to have to really think about what your body language and words are conveying to the partner about acceptance. Actions such as opening your home to the couple is great, but that is undermined if you subtly relay your disapproval through word choice and body language. You seem to want to be open and flexible, but we are seeing the disdain and dislike of the partner here, so you might be conveying the same message in person.

You asked if it was ok to blow off the family for holidays. If you don't feel like you are fully accepted or your partner is not fully accepted as family, then yes, it is ok to blow off the family.

You have to welcome the couple into your home without any rules or restrictions that would be different than your other son and wife would have.

Obviously, your son and his partner do not feel comfortable in your household and do feel comfortable at his partner's family. So, it is not the holidays that they don't like, it is the holidays at your house. What is the other family doing differently that is more appealing to your child? In order to answer the question of how would you handle the holidays when an adult child doesn't want to be there, you need to analyze what you want for the holidays. Do you want your son there? If you do, he now comes as a package and you have to accept both, without judgement, in order to make your house welcoming. If they are married, you need to acknowledge the SO as your son's spouse and your xinlaw, just like you refer to your other son's wife as your daughter in law. If they are engaged, you need to acknowledge the SO as your son's fiancee. These are the little things, the acknowledgement and acceptance that will welcome them to your home to celebrate the holidays with you. Not being flexible or having a present for the SO.

The greatest present you could give the couple is your full acceptance.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I see the comments above...
Since we have come this far, and the fact that her son's partner is a guy, is out there...
I do think that the way the OP has posted here, and seems very uncomfortable, is a valid concern.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

This was the first thing that popped into my head, but then I'm gay, and it's always the first thing to pop into my head whenever there's such ambiguity.

But I'm not sure it's appropriate to raise that issue explicitly without the OP being ready. If nothing else, the term "SO" is not a euphemism for same-sex partner. (We use "friend of Dorothy" when we want a euphemism. ) The inference may be correct, it may not be. While I would hope that anyone here struggling with issues around an LGBTQ child would feel comfortable enough to discuss it candidly, and will even go as far as saying it's healthy to overcome any such reluctance to discuss things bluntly, yet I don't feel this is the right place to be yanking people or their parents out of whatever closet they may be stuck in. And I especially don't like expressing such conclusions without being 100% sure of their accuracy, which we can't be.

It took me years to come out, and wasn't a process to be rushed. Parents deserve the same patience.

This is such a kind response.

 

[NewRVLady]

I just have to say I am very happy with the nice way everyone is responding to OP
It is a sad day when we can't accept the choices our kids make
When we went thru Mons things when she died I discovered that Mom really didnt want my sis to marry her wonderful guy( religion and divorce)- it suddenly became clear why there relationship was guarded- sis hid it well

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Let me give you some perspective, OP
I was the oldest daughter and my mom had me really young. We were already tense because of some past history between us and I was living with my dad. I hated going to my mom's house every other weekends.

It got worse when I met my now husband in high school. My brother didn't like him and so told my mom all of the negatives and she already believed the worse. I would defend my boyfriend and the already present bitterness between my mom and I got ten times worse. When I turned 18, I decided I no longer had to go to my mom's house anymore. I was sick of defending my relationship and the guilt trips, the bitterness of the past. The whole "It's him or us!" schtick was getting old. I was accused of choosing some boy over my so-called loving family and in retalition, I stayed far away. I was sick being put in the middle, my husband tried to figure out why they didn't like him.
My mom said it was because I was choosing all of my time with him, that he didn't have a good enough job and that he had no future. Some time passed and finally I had to initiate the steps for my mom to get to know him as we were engaged. I told her to leave her husband at home as he instigated so much and we three sat down and hashed it out. There was miscommunication, hurt feelings from situations that didn't even involve my husband and finally there was peace made.
It took years but finally it has gotten to the point where my mom and husband are friends. She calls him her other son and she loves him! However, it took us breaking down the walls and her to relent a little to get to know my husband.

OP, I suggest inviting your son and his SO to coffee or maybe lunch and getting to know his SO. Maybe she/he might feel as if he was given a frosty reception. By your own account, you don't really know her/him and so maybe a litttle bit before the rush of the holiday season, get to know your son's SO. He/She may be nothing to you, just someone who you met for 30 minutes, but to your son this person is the one he loves. Believe me, the Holidays are tough sometimes, between visiting my dad and my mom's families and then my in-laws, it gets to be a hassle.

I live far away from my family now due to my husband's job and we can't be at home as much as we would like to. I wish I could go home for the holidays and just be around everyone, laugh and be at home. I am sure you want your son around more often, maybe breaking down some walls is what is best.