How do you handle the Holidays when...

[pat fan]

An adult child doesn't want to spend time at home?

My MIL and mom were/are the best when it came to the Holidays. My MIL moved Christmas to the weekend prior or after Christmas and they didn't "do" Thanksgiving. My mom moved Christmas to Christmas night, since that worked for everyone. My family all does their own thing for Thanksgiving and gets together at night at my house for leftovers and pie.

My DS just said he's not coming home at all for Thanksgiving and only has 2-3 hours he will come for Christmas. I just want to cry. I just am at a loss as to how to handle this. Other than wanting to cry and go away for the holidays and skip them.

It's one thing to say, I live 12 hours away and can't swing a flight this year. Or the kids are too little, can we do Christmas a different day. None of that is the case. Just choosing to be with other people and choosing to not be with family.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

This is something you will have to learn to deal with as kids get older and start living their own lives and start having their own families.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm so sorry. That must be very hurtful. How far away does he live? Has he given a reason that he won't come on an alternate day?

I do get not having a child around for the holidays. My dd has always split her time between her dad and I. Now she's married and her DH is in the Air Force. We're going to them this Christmas in England because they'll have a brand new baby. But they now split holidays between us in the States and her DH's family in the Netherlands.

I actually enjoy the Christmases on our own. I plan a big project around the house and go to the movies every chance I get. I get at least a week off at that time while DH has to work so I plan on doing things just for me and actually have a great time. It's just a matter of redefining what the holidays are.

 

[pat fan]

This is something you will have to learn to deal with as kids get older and start living their own lives and start having their own families.

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

 

[LinderInWonderland]

I am sorry this is hard for you. I haven't spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my biological family in well over 10 years. I hate traveling at the holidays and live across the country from them, so I guess you could say I am choosing not to spend time with them. It just doesn't feel that way to me. I adore my family and we spend time together separate from the crazy holiday times.

When I first moved out here (and before DH and I were married), we used to spend Thanksgiving as just 'our' day. I would cook a turkey dinner with all the trimmings in my jammies. We'd eat when it was ready and watch Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. It was bliss.

Once we were married, MIL started asking for us to come over the day after Thanksgiving, but was cooking a whole second turkey dinner. Since we live less than 30 minutes from them, DH and I decided it would just be easier to go over there for Thanksgiving. It makes my SIL's life easier, for sure - and I am more than happy to help her out.

Ultimately, as an adult, I would rather do what I want to do with my time off and was fortunate to be able to do exactly what I wanted for years. If this is the first time your son doesn't want to come over, he may be trying to start his own traditions. I would give him that space. It's better for people to get together for the holidays when they really want to instead of being obligated to.

The first holiday that isn't exactly how you pictured it is always hard. I wish you well.

 

[pat fan]

I'm so sorry. That must be very hurtful. How far away does he live? Has he given a reason that he won't come on an alternate day?

I do get not having a child around for the holidays. My dd has always split her time between her dad and I. Now she's married and her DH is in the Air Force. We're going to them this Christmas in England because they'll have a brand new baby. But they now split holidays between us in the States and her DH's family in the Netherlands.

I would completely understand if that was the case.

He lives maybe 1/2 hr-45 minutes away. He has given no reason, other than spending time with pother people and i don't know, apparently not wanting to be with us. This has been his attitude for years now, only being around family if it's a command performance, and apparently he no longer cares enough to even make that effort.

 

[Hisgirl]

I'm so sorry that this is hurtful. I think all the mommies on here understand. We love seeing our kids little and grown and they don't always have us at the top of their 'want to see' list.

Honestly, all you can do is let him go, give him some room, and pray he eventually sees your home as a nice place to celebrate the holidays. Sometimes, it might be a trip or a new spouse's family....there's always something to come in and change the variables. Please try to keep from putting any manipulation at all in your response. You'll know when you are doing it. Bless him and let him know he will be missed. Say it with love. He knows how you feel.

Then invite someone over who doesn't have a family and fill your heart with the love that comes from giving!

 

[Disneylover99]

I know it's tough, but there's nothing you can do. He's an adult. All you can do is invite him and say you hope he can make it, and you really want him to come over. But really it's his decision.

 

[ronandannette]

An adult child doesn't want to spend time at home?

My MIL and mom were/are the best when it came to the Holidays. My MIL moved Christmas to the weekend prior or after Christmas and they didn't "do" Thanksgiving. My mom moved Christmas to Christmas night, since that worked for everyone. My family all does their own thing for Thanksgiving and gets together at night at my house for leftovers and pie.

My DS just said he's not coming home at all for Thanksgiving and only has 2-3 hours he will come for Christmas. I just want to cry. I just am at a loss as to how to handle this. Other than wanting to cry and go away for the holidays and skip them.

It's one thing to say, I live 12 hours away and can't swing a flight this year. Or the kids are too little, can we do Christmas a different day. None of that is the case. Just choosing to be with other people and choosing to not be with family.

I can't think of anything much you could do, short of becoming one of those controlling, manipulative parents adult children here on the DIS complain about. And I doubt you'd want to force him, even if you could. If he wants to spread his wings you've got to let him. And please - don't sulk or pout. Tell him (once!), from the heart that you're disappointed and that things being different will be a hard adjustment. Don't catastrophize it with rhetoric like "devastated" or "heartbroken". Keep things in perspective. And whatever you do, don't blame or become bitter towards his SO (if there is one). Just accept it and move on with your own plans. If that includes a Christmas vacation, all the better!

 

[eliza61]

Ah Patfan, can you ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with the family? I think every family has those issues. When I was growing up all my cousins lived in one place. NYC. mainly Manhattan and brooklyn with a few "outliers" lol in Queens. but now we are spread all over the place.
My one cousin bailed on us last year. I kinda understood. she works full time, working on her doctorate and Thanksgiving was the only few days she got off. she simply did not want to come out, as she put it "I'm doing me"?? whatever that meant.

One of my best friends son became a Jehovah Witness, came home one Christmas and declared flat out he was not staying if they insisted on celebrating Christmas. my girlfriend vacillated between tears and wanting to beat the crap out of him.

Hugs to you.

My Christmases have morphed also since my family has gotten smaller. My oldest is working p/t for fedex. I know he won't get any time off, this is the busy season for him so we'll work around that.

 

[declansdad]

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

Why not ask him the reason for not coming?

 

[ronandannette]

Sure, she could do that and I probably would. But once she's been told, trying to guilt him, browbeat him or argue him off his position is unlikely to do anything positive for their relationship. And her follow-up posts show a mama bear that's not only hurt, she's rippin' mad too. Tread carefully, OP.

 

[katie01]

I'm so sorry that this is hurtful. I think all the mommies on here understand. We love seeing our kids little and grown and they don't always have us at the top of their 'want to see' list.

Honestly, all you can do is let him go, give him some room, and pray he eventually sees your home as a nice place to celebrate the holidays. Sometimes, it might be a trip or a new spouse's family....there's always something to come in and change the variables. Please try to keep from putting any manipulation at all in your response. You'll know when you are doing it. Bless him and let him know he will be missed. Say it with love. He knows how you feel.

Then invite someone over who doesn't have a family and fill your heart with the love that comes from giving!

I love this response. It must be terribly hurtful that your son doesn't want to celebrate the holidays with you. I think it's great that you are willing to be flexible on the dates, not every parent or in-law is, and that makes things so stressful. So he should at least appreciate that much. I love the idea of making the holiday meaningful and special in other ways, by inviting another family in, or maybe doing volunteer work at a soup kitchen or nursing home, or you could treat yourself to a nice getaway somewhere. I hope that in time your son will come around and realize how important it is to spend time with you and how much it means to you.

 

[diznygirl]

For some families holidays ARE a command performance, and that's just not fun. When it's a requirement that you do such-and-such or be guilt-tripped for not participating, the holidays can be a real drag. There are other opportunities for family time, just as there are other opportunities for holiday time. One year I had the chance to spend the holidays with friends decorating Rose Parade floats. This meant not flying to be with family. You bet your bippy I dropped the family like a hot potato!

I think your son has an opportunity here to have some fun with his friends this holiday season, and he wants to be free to take advantage of it. Smile and ask him what time he will be visiting and plan your meal accordingly. Tell him you look forward to seeing him, and don't use the Oh Poor Me voice when you say it.

 

[nugov2]

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

Maybe he views seeing you for a few hours spending time with you. Is it because he has a significant other he is spending time with or is it a group of friends he is spending time with.

I think adult children will spend more time with their friends /significant other for a period of time until they start to create their own family and then they circle around back to spending more time with their parents when they have kids of their own.

I understand your hurt feelings, but I also would try to look at it from his perspective. ...he's making time for both you and what he wants. I am sure he isn't doing it to be mean.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I understand how you feel. I have not had any holidays, birthdays or any thing else since 1996. I have learned to deal with it and move on. Just let them know the door is open if he changes his mind. Just keep loving them. We have to learn as parents to let go.

 

[ronandannette]

I would completely understand if that was the case.

He lives maybe 1/2 hr-45 minutes away. He has given no reason, other than spending time with pother people and i don't know, apparently not wanting to be with us. This has been his attitude for years now, only being around family if it's a command performance, and apparently he no longer cares enough to even make that effort.

Just curious - 30 or 40 minutes away here mean living on the other side of the same city. How often do you see you DH in a non-holiday, non-event kind of way? If it's pretty often, I can see him not thinking much of missing Christmas dinner.

 

[Art 1]

An adult child doesn't want to spend time at home?

My MIL and mom were/are the best when it came to the Holidays. My MIL moved Christmas to the weekend prior or after Christmas and they didn't "do" Thanksgiving. My mom moved Christmas to Christmas night, since that worked for everyone. My family all does their own thing for Thanksgiving and gets together at night at my house for leftovers and pie.

My DS just said he's not coming home at all for Thanksgiving and only has 2-3 hours he will come for Christmas. I just want to cry. I just am at a loss as to how to handle this. Other than wanting to cry and go away for the holidays and skip them.

It's one thing to say, I live 12 hours away and can't swing a flight this year. Or the kids are too little, can we do Christmas a different day. None of that is the case. Just choosing to be with other people and choosing to not be with family.

Wait till he gets married. So many terrible mother in laws on the dis. Don't become one your self!

 

[smadath]

Maybe I'm misreading... he said he'd spend 2-3 hours with the Family at Christmas? So, he's making time for you, just not enough time, in your opinion? I'm sorry, but he is making an effort to be there, which is more than many "adult children" will do. With travel time, that's a big chunk of the day, especially if there are other people he wants to visit. Maybe you should just be happy that he will be visiting!

As to Thanksgiving, is he maybe working? Many people do. DH works in manufacturing, and they work 24/7/365, so he might need to work any or all Holidays. Maybe your DS is in a similar situation.

 

[aprilchem]

I've never quite understood the disconnect between parents wanting to raise their kids to be independent adults and then getting mad at them when they're independent adults. OP, my mom felt the same way as you did when I became and adult and started not spending the entire day with them on Christmas, and the result is that now that I have a family we never see her on Christmas day. There was too much pressure to be there all day, too much treading lightly to try to hurt her feelings, and we decided that we weren't in for that kind of pressure. I would suggest that if you want your son to not go that path you try to become more accommodating and understand that adults have their own lives outside of mom and dad, and moms and dads need to have their own lives outside of their kids.