How do you handle the Holidays when...

[NHdisneylover]

Well, personally, based on his willingness to come over for a few hours on Christmas, his responding to texts in a friendly way and otherwise having contact throughout the year--well. I am not even seeing how he has "cut out" his family.
Did h actually use those words and indicate he wants NO time or relationship with you at all? Or did he simply say he is deliberately cutting back on time spent with you and trying to be more independent? Because while some people are happy being "very close" well into adulthood, many others really are not and that is not the same as not loving their families and having any sort of issues even.

I guess I just really think you need to rethink what is reasonable to expect out of an adult child and try not to take things so very personally.

 

[ashley0139]

I think there is a WHOLE lot of information we don't have here, and OP isn't giving it to us. Without the information it is impossible to accurately assess the situation. She can come back and say "this isn't what happened, that isn't what happened" all she wants but there is no more info, so we have to go off of speculation.

 

[NewRVLady]

I think 2-3 hours is what most people think is a REASONABLE amount of time for gifts and a meal-I am not understanding your hurt?
WE do VERY simple-1-2 gift exchange....meal takes 45 min-1 hour....so why isn't it enough??

My SIL deals with married sons who
no longer join her for Thanksgiving-and give her a few hours,3-4 days AFTER Christmas-so be happy....many have it FAR worse!!

 

[gwynne]

I think 2-3 hours is what most people think is a REASONABLE amount of time for gifts and a meal-I am not understanding your hurt?
WE do VERY simple-1-2 gift exchange....meal takes 45 min-1 hour....so why isn't it enough??

My SIL deals with married sons who
no longer join her for Thanksgiving-and give her a few hours,3-4 days AFTER Christmas-so be happy....many have it FAR worse!!

Oh my. It's not required that adult children join their parents each and every holiday. I've found it works quite well to enjoy and love my adult kids and grandchildren when I see them. It it happens to be a holiday or birthdate, great. If not, no matter. We have a wonderful time when we are together. We are separated by many miles, so when we do get together, it's lovely!
I would never see it as "dealing with". It's just life, and it's too short to spend worrying on such things. Sometimes trying to make it perfect just makes it tedious. Not my thing.
JMO.

 

[morgan98]

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

I admit I have no read the whole thread yet, but I will answer. I guess in some ways, I do choose to not spend time with my parents and siblings on the holidays. Maybe you will consider us selfish, but I will explain and by the way, my husband and I are middle aged and do not have children.

However, we each a mom (one in Orlando, one in Chicago), I have a father and stepmother (in Knoxville, TN). We have siblings in Miami, Chicago, Orlando, Austin and Atlanta (where we live). We cannot see all sides of both families at once. While I will not say we have given up, we have decided to try our best and see who we can. For example, for Thanksgiving, we will see my husbands mother, sister and nieces and nephews. I am fine with that.

However, we both work demanding jobs and my husband travels for work almost every week. We refuse to travel for Christmas. We take some time off to enjoy being together and to enjoy our home. We have told each and every family member that they are more than welcome to visit us at any point over the 10 day period and year end. A couple of the various folks listed above are taking us up on the offer. Several of the others do not want to travel over the holidays but have no problem expecting us to. Please note there are no "children" under the age of 20 involved.

We love our families and try our best to see them. Hopefully my mom will fly down to see us for New Years'. Otherwise, I will see her sometime later in the winter. We just spent a nine day vacation with her in Boston and Maine in September, so it is not like we ignore her.

This is probably more than anyone cares to read, but the long and short of it is everyone should get to enjoy their holidays and spend it the way they want to. I do not mean that to sound selfish, but you can never please everyone. I know in our case we were tired of never spending a holiday at home and going back to work in the new year completely exhausted from a whirlwind holiday tour.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The OP's last posts seem to indicate that she is not going to hear what she wants to hear...
She will continue to whine and wail and fall-on-knives, because her son is not 'giving' enough, and is not giving her everything she wants and expects to see from him.

OP, if the relationship you describe (which seems to be you kind of forcing yourself on him, expecting him to remain a child in a parent-child dynamic, and expecting more than he is comfortable with at Christmas)...
If you just can not hear the underlying message that most of here are tying to convey, as we are only trying to help....
Then, I don't think we will be surprised if, about this time next year, it does become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and your son does cut you more out of his life, and might not plan to show up a Christmas, at all.

(I am one of those people who are like a few other posters here, as my DH's mother had similar views and expectations regarding her son and 'family'... All visits, including Christmas, were indeed limited to those obligatory few hours.)

I do not really have any more comments or advice...
so I can only send hugs.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

From the "adult child" perspective, I'm 29, engaged, and an only child. My parents and extended family live about 90 minutes away. Holidays are now officially a chore for me. The stress of figuring who to spend them with, when, how, not wanting to upset anyone, considering the possibility of bad weather, etc. I honestly dread the holidays now and long for the day when I can consider holidays fun and relaxing again. I constantly feel like I need to please other people during the holidays by making a million stops, and it's not fun. Perhaps your son feels like I do and has finally thrown his hands up and is doing what he wants to do now. The fact that he's still making *some* time for you on Christmas day is positive. I know we don't know all the details but based on what you've said, I may not take it so personally and just chalk it up to life getting in the way. Good luck to you!

That's why I'm trying to be the reasonable one with my kids. If they want to spend the holidays with us, they are welcome. If they are with their family or their SO's families, that is fine as well. I do ask for a phone call, at some point, when they have the time, so I can wish them happy holidays and tell them I love them, but only when it works for them timewise, but sometimes I don't get that, and I understand.

 

[wendy46001]

Lots of people are making good points.
What stuck out for me is - pick any day and we'll do the "family Christmas" than. Maybe the family Christmas is the problem. Maybe its too much stockings, food, hours of gifts, etc. Maybe the kid has just had enough of everyone playing Christmas and wants out.

I know growing up we did the big family Eve and Christmas day. It was great when we were ten and got piles of stuff. Though once we all got older it just became that, stuff. We didn't want the silly dinner followed by the gifts and chit chat. We wanted to simply enjoy the day.

Maybe by saying you get two or three hours, its really saying I respect its a family day but I don't want to participate in the same ol' Christmas.
Why not ask what part he likes or wants to participate in. Than just enjoy him being with the family.

 

[pat fan]

I think there is a WHOLE lot of information we don't have here, and OP isn't giving it to us. Without the information it is impossible to accurately assess the situation. She can come back and say "this isn't what happened, that isn't what happened" all she wants but there is no more info, so we have to go off of speculation.

Right, and it's highly personal, so as I said, I'm not comfortable sharing here, just needed a place to vent.

Did h actually use those words and indicate he wants NO time or relationship with you at all? Or did he simply say he is deliberately cutting back on time spent with you and trying to be more independent? Because while some people are happy being "very close" well into adulthood, many others really are not and that is not the same as not loving their families and having any sort of issues even.

Yes. He IS very independent. I think sometimes people think having a close family relationship means he's a man-child tied to his momma's apron strings. Nothing could be further from the truth. He's lived on his own 6+ years, gainfully employed, pays his way...very proud of him.

The OP's last posts seem to indicate that she is not going to hear what she wants to hear...
She will continue to whine and wail and fall-on-knives, because her son is not 'giving' enough, and is not giving her everything she wants and expects to see from him.

Yeah, ok. That's harsh. Not sure what knives I have fallen on etc...and since people must have missed my posts saying thanks for listening to me vent (meaning I have NOT said things to my DS, I vented here) and that I have always fully expected holidays to change as they got older, I'm not sure what I have left to contribute to this conversation.

I appreciate those who cried in my beer with me (metaphorically, beer is gross), and for those with crazy attacks re: knife falling and whining (???) sorry if I cam e across that way to you.

 

[bsblady01]

sorry but he is giving you time on the holiday, once your kids are married or with someone it's not all about you anymore it's about both sides of the family. this is one reason we have been going to Disney world for Christmas so we don't have to run around to both sides of the family on Christmas. it just about our family. we go and see our family before we go or when we get back.

once your son has kids of his own you will be going to see him on Christmas so get used to him not being at your house. I say if you really need him for the entire day plan to do Christmas on a different day on then the day of.

 

[Bluestars]

I am guessing here, just based off of your posts. Maybe he only wants to stay for a few hours because he won't be attending with his SO. If, for whatever reason, his SO doesn't feel welcome around your family, it's possible that he feels torn and that he has to take a side. Then again, I might be completely off base, but that's one reason I can see that a person might spend less time with their parents. If his SO will be attending, just ignore my rambling. LOL

 

[sharona]

Holidays were all I had left with this son, so it's hurtful.

I'm sorry youre hurt. I guess based on the info you've shared so far, I'm wondering what your ideal holiday with your son would be? What are you looking for from him that you are not getting?

I hate to use the word estranged. If I text him, he'll chat back. We go over his way and bring coffee for him and his coworkers. Or get something at the farmers market he likes and drop it off. All that is fine.

I know there are different levels of togetherness that people have for families or holidays, but our family, small unit plus extended, is very close and thanksgiving night and Christmas are big deals. Lots of fun etc....no one is guilted into going or forced to attend, we want to be there.

As for Christmas here, we have stockings and presents and that's an hour at least! Then if there's a meal, I don't see how there's time to eat it. I don't want it rushed, I do want it relaxed and enjoyable. I'd rather we do it another day as neither son can come at the same time anyway.

It's difficult, but I am thankful for these boards. I get to vent, and I'm calmer now. I do have a great DH and it will be fine, whatever happens. I just miss my DS and how close we were when he was younger. And we didn't "do" anything to cause this. We have always told our kids we loved them no matter what and supported them 100%. There were outside influences that have caused this, and I'll leave it at that.

Not your situation OP but the stocking comment reminded me of my ex MIL a lovely woman but insisted that we come to her house early on Christmas morning and have this crazy hour of my ex and his sister (also grown and married) tearing open gift after gift like children followed by stockings full of candy and personal care items like deodorant and toothpaste. It was bizarre.

I have to say my mom was wonderful through my horribly selfish early 20's when I had a BF whose family had what I considered at the time to be perfect holiday celebrations and I spent most of my time with them. She never once criticized or guilted me although I'm sure she was very hurt. When I grew out of that I guilted myself about it but I think the 20s can be a very selfish time for many as they figure out who they are and who they want to becone. Give it time.

 

[Dread Pirate]

Dh and I alternate holidays and my MIL has spent the past 23 years moaning and groaning about it but as adults with our own children WE get to decide how WE want to spend our holidays. If it were up to my MIL we would spend every single holiday with her every single year and would spend none of it with my family or doing our own thing with just DH and I and our 3 kids. So yeah because he's an adult he is the one that decides what he will do for the holidays.

That's how my MIL was, and like an idiot (because I was young and apparently stupid) I agreed to make my (now Ex) DH happy. We got NO holidays at our house. Our kids grew up having to drive 1 1/2 hours to Mamaw's house, spend the whole day, then drive 1 1/2 hours home. I look back on those holidays with intense dislike. Maybe that's why he's an Ex now, since DH insisted this is what we do. We couldn't spend the night with his parents, and had to drive.

My kids are adults now, and I've already told them to make their plans, and I will work around those plans. If they have kids, and I ever become that over-bearing witch like their Mamaw over the holidays, they just need to look at me and call me "Mildred," which was my MIL's name. If they do that, I will quickly realize that I'm in the wrong and I'll back down.

Both kids laughed when I said that, but both also told me that they appreciate it since they know their dad and his new wife will try to insist on everything being their way.

I have Crohn's Disease, and I'll be honest and admit I lied a few times over the years to get out of going to MIL's for holidays. Oh no! I'm having a flare-up. I'd better stay home. When the kids got to be teenagers, they would ask me, "Mom, don't you think you're getting sick? Maybe I/we (meaning my kids) should stay home and take care of you." And yes, I let them take care of me a few times, staying home and having family time with just us while DH went to his mother's.

My ex-DH was tied to his mom's apron strings. She was the most important person in his life, and the kids and I definitely knew we were way low on his list of priorities. Yes, that's why he's the ex.

 

[pat fan]

That's how my MIL was, and like an idiot (because I was young and apparently stupid) I agreed to make my (now Ex) DH happy. We got NO holidays at our house. Our kids grew up having to drive 1 1/2 hours to Mamaw's house, spend the whole day, then drive 1 1/2 hours home. I look back on those holidays with intense dislike. Maybe that's why he's an Ex now, since DH insisted this is what we do. We couldn't spend the night with his parents, and had to drive.

That's why I say my MIL was the greatest example ever given me! She was very accommodating and I try to be like her

Not your situation OP but the stocking comment reminded me of my ex MIL a lovely woman but insisted that we come to her house early on Christmas morning and have this crazy hour of my ex and his sister (also grown and married) tearing open gift after gift like children followed by stockings full of candy and personal care items like deodorant and toothpaste. It was bizarre.

We must be weird, but stockings are our favorites! Not just my little family, but cousins, siblings etc...we all love our stockings, LOL!

I'm wondering what your ideal holiday with your son would be?

I think I sort of answered this previously, but I was mostly hurt with the way I was told and that they are spending all Thanksgiving with his SO's family as well as Christmas Eve. Really, once I had time to calm down, I can live with it. It will be fine. The kids will not be here at the same time which will be SUPER weird, Christmas in stages....but that's the way it is.

aybe he only wants to stay for a few hours because he won't be attending with his SO.

No, SO other is invited Not a bad assumption though.

 

[pat fan]

Not your situation OP but the stocking comment reminded me of my ex MIL a lovely woman but insisted that we come to her house early on Christmas morning and have this crazy hour of my ex and his sister (also grown and married) tearing open gift after gift like children followed by stockings full of candy and personal care items like deodorant and toothpaste. It was bizarre.

So slightly OT, but I do find this a strange year for present buying. I admit I have always gone a tad overboard at Christmas, but have vowed every year to cut back, and I do try! Now that both boys are bringing others, I really do need to cut back to "spread the wealth" so to speak. Just seems strange. And how the heck do you buy gifts for someone you've never met for more than 30 seconds????? Coffee? Gift card??

 

[phorsenuf]

Evidently there is something going on as to why your son doesn't want to spend the holidays with you and cutting you out of his life. If that truly is the case then unless you fix that relationship it will only get worse. Since you don't want to share I'm not sure how people can be impartial or try to help you.

 

[sharona]

So slightly OT, but I do find this a strange year for present buying. I admit I have always gone a tad overboard at Christmas, but have vowed every year to cut back, and I do try! Now that both boys are bringing others, I really do need to cut back to "spread the wealth" so to speak. Just seems strange. And how the heck do you buy gifts for someone you've never met for more than 30 seconds????? Coffee? Gift card??

Even though you've only met him/her once and briefly your son must have discussed his SO's job, likes, hobbies, sports affiliation??? (Eek I hope he/she is not a Jets or Giants fan!)

 

[Bluestars]

So slightly OT, but I do find this a strange year for present buying. I admit I have always gone a tad overboard at Christmas, but have vowed every year to cut back, and I do try! Now that both boys are bringing others, I really do need to cut back to "spread the wealth" so to speak. Just seems strange. And how the heck do you buy gifts for someone you've never met for more than 30 seconds????? Coffee? Gift card??

I think gift cards are always a safe gift. I plan on getting my son's girlfriend a gift card to Kohl's. I have no idea what to get my son though. Probably a few small presents and a visa gift card, unless I can think of something good that he doesn't already have.

 

[Allons-y!]

So slightly OT, but I do find this a strange year for present buying. I admit I have always gone a tad overboard at Christmas, but have vowed every year to cut back, and I do try! Now that both boys are bringing others, I really do need to cut back to "spread the wealth" so to speak. Just seems strange. And how the heck do you buy gifts for someone you've never met for more than 30 seconds????? Coffee? Gift card??

I would ask your son what his SO would like, or I would give them something they would enjoy as a couple, such as two tickets to an event they would enjoy, etc.

 

[phorsenuf]

So slightly OT, but I do find this a strange year for present buying. I admit I have always gone a tad overboard at Christmas, but have vowed every year to cut back, and I do try! Now that both boys are bringing others, I really do need to cut back to "spread the wealth" so to speak. Just seems strange. And how the heck do you buy gifts for someone you've never met for more than 30 seconds????? Coffee? Gift card??

Why not ask your son for suggestions?