How do you handle the Holidays when...

[NHdisneylover]

It is crushing to a family but it is truly crushing to the child. I can't begin to tell you how impossible it is to come to terms with the knowledge that your parents do not love you unconditionally. Mine don't and I struggle to make sense of my childhood memories given the new status quo and my place in the world. I thank god for the unconditional love my husband's family provides. It makes me feel moored to something.

Oh this just breaks my heart. I am so, so sorry your parents failed you in this way.

 

[NewRVLady]

It is crushing to a family but it is truly crushing to the child. I can't begin to tell you how impossible it is to come to terms with the knowledge that your parents do not love you unconditionally. Mine don't and I struggle to make sense of my childhood memories given the new status quo and my place in the world. I thank god for the unconditional love my husband's family provides. It makes me feel moored to something.

((Hugs))

In going thru my Mom's papers-deciding what to keep-what to toss-When I ran across the letter my Mom wrote my sis.AND SENT HER...typed -this was the CARBON COPY (Mom the ever professional Secretary she always was)
I was shocked.
It wasn't ugly-just full of SO MUCH disappointment that sis married a divorced man and NOT in the Catholic Church ( my brother at this time was a Priest-Mom felt this was a slap at her)
Now I get it- the sort of "distance" I felt between them

Ironically-my brother left the Priesthood(not related to any woman) and later married a divorced woman with 4 kids....Mom never felt they were part of "her" family

 

[quandrea]

I cannot read that without offering a hug.

I don't know your situation, and am not prying, but want to offer you the thought that possibly your interpretation may not be the whole story. As years go by and we experience different things in our lives we sometimes get a new vista on people and events of our past, unlocking perspectives completely invisible to us previously.

Oh this just breaks my heart. I am so, so sorry your parents failed you in this way.

((Hugs))

In going thru my Mom's papers-deciding what to keep-what to toss-When I ran across the letter my Mom wrote my sis....typed -this was the carbon(Mom the ever professional Secretary she always was)
I was shocked.
It wasn't ugly-just full of SO MUCH disappointment that sis married a divorced man and NOT in the Catholic Church ( my brother at this time was a Priest-Mom felt this was a slap at her)
Now I get it- the sort of "distance" I felt between them

Ironically-my brother left the Priesthood(not related to any woman) and later married a divorced woman with 4 kids....Mom never felt they were part of "her" family

Thank you for the support. This thread has struck a chord and I haven't been able to not comment. My parents stopped speaking to me over issues of faith and truth, family loyalty. It was very complicated and the estrangement was not of my choosing. Reading the OP's predicament hit close to home.

 

[gwynne]

Thank you for the support. This thread has struck a chord and I haven't been able to not comment. My parents stopped speaking to me over issues of faith and truth, family loyalty. It was very complicated and the estrangement was not if my choosing. Reading the OP's predicament hit close to home.

I am so, so sorry. That must have been an awful experience. These things are sometimes just unthinkable.
I am glad your dh's family has been welcoming and loving.

 

[pat fan]

You say you are willing to be flexible, but both boys are coming on Christmas Day , at different times. Have you offered an alternative? "Dad and I would love to have all 6 of us together to open gifts and share a meal! Could you all be here Sunday Dec 27 at noon? Or Saurday December 19 at 6?"
As for gifts for someone you don't know....a scarf and gloves, a basket of breakfast goodies, a Christmas CD, a gift cad or 2 to restaurants....

Great ideas! And yes, we have offered to have Christmas on a different day, but I guess that doesn't work with either kids schedule.

 

[wilkeliza]

Just wanted to tell the OP that at what I assume their son's age is (18 plus 6 since they have been living on their own that long would be 24) that they could be pulling away from the family because they don't "fit in" and although you were close when they were younger you aren't as close now because he isn't the same man as he was when he was a boy. My fiance is going through that. He won't go the 60 minutes sometimes to be with his family because he is very different then them. At times he feels like they don't support him and force him to do things he doesn't want to with out "forcing". There is a lot of we are disappointed or asking again after he has already said no. To his mother it isn't pushing or demanding but to him it is. It was worse when he and I first started dating as I was not accepted by his family. It was literately a divided house at some holidays. 5 and a half years and an engagement later things are going better. We still don't do every holiday with his family and have done 1 in 5.5 years with mine. We are just adults who want to start our own traditions even with out kids. His parents even say then will pay for the entire trip if it is to their FL home and not their local home and we will still politely decline simply because sometimes we want to stay home and spend time with each other as adults and significant others and not be with our parents. The worst for us is the High Holy Days. We got it bad this year and we finally put our foot down and said we wanted to go to our temple this year and not have to go all the way to FL.

The best thing for fiance has been when his mom just drops it and doesn't even mention the holiday after the first no. After a week or two he changes his mind and decides he does want to go home. When she brings it up once or twice a week in a "nice" way he gets pissed and then refuses to talk to her.

 

[lizzi6692]

I think it's very telling that OP won't even acknowledge any comments that mention she might have a problem with her son being gay.

 

[pat fan]

Just wanted to tell the OP that at what I assume their son's age is (18 plus 6 since they have been living on their own that long would be 24)

Wow, time flies! Actually he's older than that, so my estimating how long he's been out was off, LOL!

Phew..people have been flying with comments on here while I was working! No way can I quite and reply to all the assumptions, so I won't bother trying!

The Disney trip is off, the point was to show the kids the lights as we've seen them, but DS and DIL can't get more time off and DS said he didn't want to go. Yes, his SO was invited as well.

Never thought I'd get flak on the DIS for using SO! This place is all about abbreviations..MK, DIL, DH, ADR, etc..What is the proper term to use? If they are living together, to me that's more than a boyfriend or girlfriend, but not engaged, so less than fiance. I thought significant other was a more fitting term. And what difference does it make if it's a man or woman? Again, not something I thought would matter on the DIS. The situation is the situation regardless of the sex involved.

We have tried to get together previously to get to know him, always one excuse or another is given.

SO (insert whatever term you feel appropriate if you don't think SO is) is not the outside influences I referred to.

Ummm...what else? The only posters I was snarky to were ones who flat out said I must have been a terrible parent or had done something egregious and that this was my fault.

Different points of view and opinions actually help quite a lot! I have gotten a LOT of help from reading some of these posts, the majority actually. Minus the ones who, once they saw me mention "he" are convinced we hate our DS and his SO just because they're gay. That's quite a leap.

Yes, I have a DH and he is around, but just as I don't care to share EVERY detail of this issue here, I don't care to share him all over the internet either. Internet is great, but I don't think every family detail or issue needs to be posted there.

Sure I was excited when DS got engaged! Should I not have been?? And we have known her a long time, so no, there was no "getting to know her" moments when they started dating.

To the posters whose parents cut you off/out, I'm so sorry. I can not imagine at all, EVER doing that! Your child is your child no matter what.

I'm sure I missed something, if so, sorry, I'll try to catch it up later!

OH! the stockings! (yes, why is that so disparaged here??) I asked the boys if there was anything about our "traditions" they felt they had outgrown or wanted to move away from, ie:stocking, gifts, too much food, too little..and they both said no. So I guess they're weird like the rest of our family and like the stockings!

 

[3Gsandme]

That's why I say my MIL was the greatest example ever given me! She was very accommodating and I try to be like her


We must be weird, but stockings are our favorites! Not just my little family, but cousins, siblings etc...we all love our stockings, LOL!


I think I sort of answered this previously, but I was mostly hurt with the way I was told and that they are spending all Thanksgiving with his SO's family as well as Christmas Eve. Really, once I had time to calm down, I can live with it. It will be fine. The kids will not be here at the same time which will be SUPER weird, Christmas in stages....but that's the way it is.


No, SO other is invited Not a bad assumption though.

I'm late but I wanted to chime in.

We do don't a lot of stuff with my husband's family and when we married mine definitely become the priority. We weren't being cruel or not inclusive. In the end, my husband just doesn't care about Christmas or his family's holiday traditions and was happy to go along with what I wanted to do and I wanted to be wth my family. There was no malice or purposeful distancing, though the extended family drama that came with it just sort of cemented that we were right to manage it the way we did. Additionally, we wanted time alone. With our kid(s) and us. Again, it wasn't anything against anyone. It was about what we wanted. I've been married for 16 years and we've spent Christmas with my family three times, when we lived near them.

It sounds like Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve are meaningful to your son's SO and he doesn't care enough (no negative connotation to those words) about his traditions to push. And, frankly, I can't fault them for wanting Christmas morning or parts of Christmas day alone together. I think it's important to remember that your son prioritizing someone over you isn't negative at all.

 

[pat fan]

I think it's very telling that OP won't even acknowledge any comments that mention she might have a problem with her son being gay.

I've been at work, just got home, but again, thanks for jumping to conclusions when I have stated many times about trying to get together, go on a trip together etc...I'm sure if I was reading this my first thought would also be "By gosh, trying to get together to have dinner, coffee, fun, or a vacation and who is upset that they're not getting to spend more time with them over the holidays (not just Christmas) is a sure tell of someone who doesn't want to be around someone!". That's sarcasm. And before someone now starts saying "Look, now she's saying they, before she just referenced her DS", yes, that's because I do not feel the need to drag his SO into this. I have no concrete information on how he feels, other than the weird Walmart incident), so I'm not going to infer that any of my DS's behavior is due to the SO.

And speaking of Walmart, I knew I missed something. Yes, DS was there, and we all knew who each other were. DS was talking to DH while I was trying to talk to SO.

 

[wilkeliza]

@pat fan I do think you have been harshly criticized here. It is hard to deal with children growing up. I don't have kids but I do know being an adult who is going through/ has been through this that it can be hard on the parents. My fiance often breaks his mother's heart by saying No to holidays and she pouts and makes a big deal over it but he needs to be able to say no because we don't want to end up like his older sister who hasn't had a single holiday with just her and her kids in years. His parents even go to their daughter's in laws if she is going there and it can just be a lot.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

If they've turned down earlier requests to get together but are going to finally both be there for the 2-3 hours at Christmas, maybe there will be an exciting announcement that will be made?

 

[lizzi6692]

I've been at work, just got home, but again, thanks for jumping to conclusions when I have stated many times about trying to get together, go on a trip together etc...I'm sure if I was reading this my first thought would also be "By gosh, trying to get together to have dinner, coffee, fun, or a vacation and who is upset that they're not getting to spend more time with them over the holidays (not just Christmas) is a sure tell of someone who doesn't want to be around someone!". That's sarcasm. And before someone now starts saying "Look, now she's saying they, before she just referenced her DS", yes, that's because I do not feel the need to drag his SO into this. I have no concrete information on how he feels, other than the weird Walmart incident), so I'm not going to infer that any of my DS's behavior is due to the SO.

And speaking of Walmart, I knew I missed something. Yes, DS was there, and we all knew who each other were. DS was talking to DH while I was trying to talk to SO.

You can disapprove of someone and still want to be around them. And even in this response, you still managed to avoid the subject entirely. And as for jumping to conclusions, you posted a thread which opens the door for people to make assumptions especially when you outright refuse to give any details about the situation. If you didn't want people's opinions, you shouldn't have posted the thread.

 

[phorsenuf]

It's just odd to me you keep using SO instead of he or she. After first establishing their is a SO, no need to keep saying it. You refer to your DIL as she throughout your posts , and then your DH as a he, whereas using your logic you should always be referring to them as DIL and DH.

That's why people believe you are skirting the issues. Almost like if you say it too many times it will become real, like Beetlejuice.

 

[pat fan]

That's why people believe you are skirting the issues. Almost like if you say it too many times it will become real, like Beetlejuice.

LOL! Sorry, like I said previously, it's the term I thought was best and was open to other ones if there was a better one. And I still don't see the issue, but that's ok, I will try to limit my use of SO.

And even in this response, you still managed to avoid the subject entirely.

I missed it, what did I avoid? i did say I may have missed something!

 

[bethy]

There is much more to this story, and frankly, I'm not airing it all here. Suffice it to say he told us last year that it was not our imagination, but that he has deliberately cut us out of his life the last few years. We knew he had, but hoped it was just becoming an adult and creating his own life and there was no issues made. We did not guilt him into anything event-wise but always invited him and said we were sorry he couldn't make it when the inevitable excuse came. Once he came clean it was deliberate, yes, my heart broke. In a million pieces. Not quite back together yet either.

Yes, he has a SO and will be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and morning with the other family. We have no relationship with the SO because they do not visit us, nor are we invited there. No, we have never said an unkind word about his SO. Frankly, our interaction has been less than one minute in total. They even turned down a 2 day whirlwind paid for trip to see Osbourne Lights before they're gone in lieu of Christmas gifts. But he would take money for his student loans, thanks.

OP, it is so hard. This update struck me because my brother has done the exact same thing to our parents. Down to the student loan thing, even! Only it's my parents he borrowed the money from and every time they give him something or offer him something he asks if he can just skip out on paying them back for the loan instead. Ugh.

I completely get that it's his life, his choice, his autonomy. But it still hurts them and that's a fact. And they are far from monsters. They are not guilt trippers or monsters. They will take any crumb he carelessly tosses their way with smiles on their faces.

 

[phorsenuf]

LOL! Sorry, like I said previously, it's the term I thought was best and was open to other ones if there was a better one. And I still don't see the issue, but that's ok, I will try to limit my use of SO.

What's wrong with boyfriend or even just 'he'? To me it make the sentence seem odd using SO where a pronoun would normally be used.

 

[littleblackegg]

It's just odd to me you keep using SO instead of he or she. After first establishing their is a SO, no need to keep saying it. You refer to your DIL as she throughout your posts , and then your DH as a he, whereas using your logic you should always be referring to them as DIL and DH.

That's why people believe you are skirting the issues. Almost like if you say it too many times it will become real, like Beetlejuice.

It was definitely the lack of gender pronouns and deliberately evasive language that made me wonder as well. Not the use of "so." Around here, being gay, straight, bi, trans or any combo of the aforementioned is just about as controversial as having a mole on your back. I mean, no one really cares if your child is rocking any type of lifestyle, as long as he is happy. The evasiveness smacks of family conflict and controversy. It's OK. I get it. But I can definitely see why he wants to keep his visits brief.

 

[pat fan]

It was definitely the lack of gender pronouns and deliberately evasive language that made me wonder as well. Not the use of "so." Around here, being gay, straight, bi, trans or any combo of the aforementioned is just about as controversial as having a mole on your back. I mean, no one really cares if your child is rocking any type of lifestyle,

So then why are you all making it an issue? I haven't.

 

[pat fan]

OP, it is so hard. This update struck me because my brother has done the exact same thing to our parents. Down to the student loan thing, even! Only it's my parents he borrowed the money from and every time they give him something or offer him something he asks if he can just skip out on paying them back for the loan instead. Ugh.

I completely get that it's his life, his choice, his autonomy. But it still hurts them and that's a fact. And they are far from monsters. They are not guilt trippers or monsters. They will take any crumb he carelessly tosses their way with smiles on their faces.

Thank you. Please give your parents a hug from us, and yourself as well. It's hard on the siblings too. I have no idea what the situation is with your brother, but as a parent, I just don't see any reason for a child to do this, just as I don't see a reason for a parent to cut a child off either. Family is SO important.