How did you stop exchanging Christmas gifts with adults?

[ReneeQ]

Hi, OP here. How funny to see this thread I started last October resurface! So I thought I'd give a little update.

As I stated before, my side of the family was onboard with no exchanging. My Mom is retired and on a limited income, so she was in agreement. So myself, my husband, my mom, my brother (not married), both my sisters and both of their husbands all agreed to not exchange. I, nor my brother have kids. Each sister has one son. We all agreed to just give to the 2 boys.

On my husband's side both his sisters and their husbands agreed to not give. Neither of them have kids yet. Also my husband's brother and his wife agreed to not give. They have 2 girls, and we still give to them. My husband's parents were horrified at the thought of not giving, and thought it VERY ODD that none of us were exchanging with each other. So DH and I did exchange with his parents last year. Which is INSANE as they need NOTHING.

We also continued to exchange with DH's grandparents. They are the only grandparents either of us has left and it's just easier to keep exchanging with them than to get them to stop. We also still exchanged with DH's aunt and uncle, but it's always a token $10 gift, so that's not too much.

And with all of this saved money I had a BLAST buying gifts for a family in our church! I was given the name of a single mom with 3 boys and I just went to town. I got them each an outfit, PJs, toys, filled a stocking, etc. I bought the Mom some gifts and gave them a Kroger gift card. This was the BEST thing I ever did at Christmas! It felt SO good to buy things that were NEEDED and WANTED, rather than junk for people that need NOTHING!

Good luck to everyone who is trying to stop the madness!

 

[Sethsmom]

There are 5 siblings and 4 significant others as well as an older nephew that play dirty Santa. Everyone that wants to participate buys a $25 gift for either a man or woman. Most of us buy what we like ourselves. The guys usually end up with flashlights. It is too funny. It's like a competition to see who can get the biggest and best flashlight. My sister usually does a fake nerdy gift with a nice giftcard in it. It really is a lot of fun and end up costing about the same as a $10 gift for each family. It is getting harder and harder to find a $10 gift that someone will actually use.

The nieces and nephews draw names and each get a $25 gift. This works out well for everyone.

 

[MomofCKJ]

On my Step Dad's side it used to be that everyone bought for the kids under 18 and once over 18 they drew names at Thanksgiving. Over the years the limit rose and rose and finally hit $50. DH and I were newlyweds and the idea of having to spend $100 on these 2 gifts was just too overwhelming to us. We were just married and POOR! So we just said to leave us out and we would not participate. Well I don't know if everyone else had secretly felt the same way or what but the whole gift swap just ended that year! We laugh about how we single handedly wiped it out. Now the family just buys for those under 18 and there are only 6 of them and 3 belong to me!

I think you just have to speak up and say it. Others might be thinking it too but are just too timid to speak up.

Allyson

 

[mecook]

Many years ago, my DH's side would give "couple gifts" and my SIL would always give those cheese/sausage box things from the mall. Yuck! Finally I said we would not be giving adult gifts to siblings anymore. We give to his mother and step-dad, and to the under-age children. That's it. SIL and BIL still gave to us anyway, as well as to our DD. When BIL's twin boys graduated from high school, I dropped giving to them. Now they don't give anything to my DD13. Quite unfair since I gave two gifts for 18 years, don't you think? SIL is poorer than a church mouse, but continues giving to me, my DH/her brother, and to our DD. She just won't quit but I stand my ground. I appear at that family gathering before Christmas with 4 gifts and that's it.

On my side, we all buy for the children till they graduate and we still have 8.
I have increased by limit from $10 to between 10-15 dollars each. Some years we have family portraits made and exchange them with my siblings. If we find something cheap like a holiday doormat or something, we might give that, but nothing big. We 3 adult children still give to our mother, who needs nothing and wants nothing. All she needs is her mind back (Alzheimers) and we can't give that.

Just make your decision and stand your ground. If they continue to bring you things, just say thank you and go on.

Melanie

 

[mtblujeans]

I have felt the same way as the OP for years now. I don't exchange with my side of the family. We have stopped exchanging with DH's nieces and nephews as they are now adults. DH & I had agreed to stop exchanging with his siblings (2 DS and 1 DB) in the future whenever his Mom should pass away (his Dad had already passed away before I met him). Well, DMIL passed away last year and DH is now refusing to tell his siblings we want to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.

We don't live in the same state that they all do so we have to ship the boxes each year (which also gets expensive) and whenever we visit them, we never see any of the gifts we have sent them in their homes. I have told DH that I don't think they find our gifts useful anyway and they must be giving them away...but, he won't stop.

Last year, I backed out completely and he wrapped and shipped the gifts himself. I give to our kids who are all teens and young adults and live in the same town we do. The kids complain every year that we don't need anything so we are very hard to shop for. I find the whole thing quite irritating now and I feel bad about that!

 

[If U Had Wings]

Luckily my family is small. I'm single and only have one married brother so my Christmas list consists of just my parents, brother, sil, 2 nieces and my brother's fil. With my list being so small it's still financially do-able to buy things for everyone, and it's something I think we all love doing. We do try to keep the "useless" gifts to a minimum.

For my parents I try to stick to things like tickets to plays or baseball tickets. Usually my brother and I will get tickets for ourselves as well and make it a family event where we get to spend time together. My mother and I have a yearly trip into NYC to see a play that is part of her present and we really look forward to it. For my brother and sil I try to stick with things they can use for their hobbies and interests. (Usually scrapbooking supplies for my sil, and a Home Depot gift card for by brother. I hate giving gift cards, but when it comes to buying tools it's just easier for him to get a card for what he needs.) My brother's FIL is the hardest, but I've found that a book is always a safe bet as he's an avid reader.

My nieces are the hardest. Having no children myself, it would be really easy for me to spoil them rotten. I don't want them to end up with tons of wasted stuff though. I usually go out after Halloween and buy them a bunch of costumes to play dress up in. They love playing make-believe games so the costumes work out perfectly. They are usually out-growing the ones I bought the year before by Christmas so it works out perfectly. I'll usually get them something new for their American Girl dolls as well.

The biggest hit of the year last year was the little hand-held 20 questions game I gave my brother. We all had a ball playing with it all night and a bargin at about $10.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

We used to exchange Christmas gifts with all our friends. That started getting a little pricey. Then one of our friends started having a yearly Christmas party and instituted a Secret Santa with a maximum $ amount. We thought this was a great idea, and so we suggested it to DH's large (and growing ever larger) family. We thought some people would balk at the idea of the kids getting only one gift, so we excluded them from it. Anyone emancipated gets in the Secret Santa, the kids get presents from everyone. Well, it didn't go over so well regardless. Some of the people were gung-ho about it (apparently we weren't the only one's sick of buying presents for 20 family members we're not all that friendly with), but others treated our suggestion like we were trying to break the family in two. Point in fact, the argument arising out of the suggestion ended up splitting the family into 2 factions who now don't share Christmases. One has a Secret Santa policy and the other...well, actually I've no idea what they do...other than not have their kids write thank you letters for the gifts we sent anyways.

Moral of this story? Secret Santa is the way to go....just beware of alienating everyone in your whole family.

 

[Muffin]

Point in fact, the argument arising out of the suggestion ended up splitting the family into 2 factions who now don't share Christmases.

Do some adults really act this childish over Christmas presents?

And some of the dollar limits on gifts that I see in this thread have me

 

[horseshowmom]

Hi, OP here. How funny to see this thread I started last October resurface! So I thought I'd give a little update.

As I stated before, my side of the family was onboard with no exchanging. My Mom is retired and on a limited income, so she was in agreement. So myself, my husband, my mom, my brother (not married), both my sisters and both of their husbands all agreed to not exchange. I, nor my brother have kids. Each sister has one son. We all agreed to just give to the 2 boys.

On my husband's side both his sisters and their husbands agreed to not give. Neither of them have kids yet. Also my husband's brother and his wife agreed to not give. They have 2 girls, and we still give to them. My husband's parents were horrified at the thought of not giving, and thought it VERY ODD that none of us were exchanging with each other. So DH and I did exchange with his parents last year. Which is INSANE as they need NOTHING.

We also continued to exchange with DH's grandparents. They are the only grandparents either of us has left and it's just easier to keep exchanging with them than to get them to stop. We also still exchanged with DH's aunt and uncle, but it's always a token $10 gift, so that's not too much.

And with all of this saved money I had a BLAST buying gifts for a family in our church! I was given the name of a single mom with 3 boys and I just went to town. I got them each an outfit, PJs, toys, filled a stocking, etc. I bought the Mom some gifts and gave them a Kroger gift card. This was the BEST thing I ever did at Christmas! It felt SO good to buy things that were NEEDED and WANTED, rather than junk for people that need NOTHING!

Good luck to everyone who is trying to stop the madness!

This is what we do too!

Years ago we stopped swapping gifts with the adults in our families. We just talked to everybody and told them the the same thing you said earlier - everybody buys what they want these days, and there's really nothing we need. Most people were in agreement, and the others dealt with it.

I know that some people don't understand why we feel the way we do, but I really think consumerism has gotten out of control, and I agree with you that it feels like so much of it is just wasteful.

Now, each year we either pick a family (as you did) or get several angels from the Angel Tree and buy for them. I agree with you that it's a much better feeling than getting more "stuff" for myself (we need to clean out half of the "stuff" we have now ).

Congratulations!!!

 

[heartsy77]

This is a great thread. I have a adult brother whom is single and a married half sister. My sister and I don't get along and we haven't seen each other in years let alone talked on the phone. Every Xmas we exchange gifts through my parents( she send them to my mom's and I send her with my parent's gifts). I would prefer to stop exchanging gifts with her because I never know what to buy her and her husband because we are involved in each other lives and she has no kids. She usually get us ( even my DD's) gifts we don't like, and I just want to be done with whole mess! I don't mind buying for my brother he is involved in his nieces lives at least! I am hoping this thread gives my ideas to stop this awkward situation.

 

[grammynelliebelle]

DH and I have three married daughters and now 7 grands . In the past we had done name picks for the adults and have decided that even this is just too much. So this year we are only going to do name picks for the kids (each kid picks another) and do the exchange at a Christmas party get together. I will do stockings for each family member and dh and I plan on getting the kids their passes for WDW for our Feb trip. We will have to insist that they cut out the gifts for us. I do like when the kids make us something and that is OK. Each of us will be doing things at our churches for the needy and that will be much better! Just do it! You will be glad you did!

 

[mom of princess]

My family decided to stop exchanging with each other back when the third child was born (niece, 2 nephews within 18 months). My 3 sisters & I decided that we would only buy for our parents and the kids.
This worked for a while and now we buy sister/BIL $10-15 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets and exchange them. The kids still get presents (2 more have been added since then) but my DD who is 3 has the only gifts most years. Mom & Dad "have everything" so they like it best when we buy scratch-offs, GC for the local grocery store, or pay for the newspaper for a year -- that way they both benefit from the gift.
I've tried for 5 years to get this to happen with DH family. No takers! And at his Granparents we are doing the grab bag thing but still end up spending almost $200 for Christmas Eve and $150-175 for Christmas Day on his family. Thats why I don't enjoy the holidays much anymore, because guess who has to buy the gifts for HIS family. Hint...not DH. I'm thinking I'll tell him that unless he buys the gifts this year for HIS FAMILY they will not be bought, and stick to it!!

 

[Dannielle_1]

Our family gift buying had gotten out of control too (who's doesn't after awhile), yet part of our Christmas morning tradition is hanging out and opening presents one by one and just enjoying the time together. The gifts themselves were always nice and appreciated, yet not really the focus.

So, last year my family began this tradition - buying gifts from the dollar store/dollar spots. Here's how our "rules" worked.

My Husband and I had to purchase 5 - $1 gifts for the 6 other "adults" in the family including my Mom and Dad (they wanted included in this, like everyone else they don't really need anything). Then the kids (my son and two neices) had to purchase each other 1 - $1 gift and 1 - $1 gift for each grandparent and my single siblings. My total outlay for my side of the family was $36 for 8 different people. And we received $36 worth. (Well, my parents gave extra "big gifts" to everyone, but only wanted their dollar store gifts in return.)

We had decided to do this last spring so we had pretty much the whole year to search out the perfect $1 gifts. Some of the stuff ended up being gag type gifts (BIL got an out of date daily calender - tear off pages for each date - about ways to use duct tape and a roll of duct tape from the dollar store). Some of the gifts where useful, hand soap, journals, food items from the dollar store. Some were christmas related. My lil' sis gave each me and my big sis 4 x-mas mugs and 1 plate from the dollar store to fullfil her 5 - $1 "requirement".

Several reasons we decided on this method. We do enjoy giving gifts to each other and wanted to continue to do so. We wanted the little ones to be able to give something that they would be able to pick out easily with pretty much no limits - send them into the dollar store and tell them to pick one item they wanted to give to ____. And finally, if it got to December and gifts where still being searched for, a trip to the dollar store would take care of it.

We all had a great time doing this and will probably continue on with this tradition. It was fun trying to come up with Dollar Store themes and seeing what everyone else came up with.

Now DH side of the family is another story... At least we're only buying for 4 people there.

 

[Kimmumum]

I have not read all of this thread so maybe this has been mentioned.....if you want to make a change in how/who you currently buy for do it sooner than later. Some people start Christmas shopping early and if you wait to change things they could already be done shopping and then be against the changes.

We made changes years ago and it has worked out perfectly. Just talk to them, they will probably feel just like you do about it.

 

[aj2hall]

I didn't read the entire thread, so this may have already been suggested, but for my parents who really don't need anything, we gave donations to their favorite charities in their names. And for my brother's and brothers in laws families we just buy gifts for the kids.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I am so jealous of all of you.

Trying to get my family to stop buying gifts is like trying to get water to run uphill.

Every single Easter we say, "OK, NO PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS." Everyone agrees. Then come August, my sister starts in on her Christmas stuff bugging me what to get my husband. I have no idea. Then I remind her we are not doing gifts. Then she says she already bought them. Seriously. She's done for this year and they are probably already wrapped, too.

?

Yeah, I said the same thing. I don't get it. My father REFUSES to stop buying us gifts. I don't need anything at all. So, each year he asks. Each year I say I don't want/need anything and he goes and spends all sorts of money that I cannot simply match. I once asked for something ridiculously expensive and he bought it for me. Crazy. Like another poster said, my dad only offers love by buying gifts and it shows!

I decided this year that since they refuse to adhere to our rules set down in Easter, I will buy them $40 gifts each and that is it. All hades would break loose if I didn't buy anything but I only have 6 people to buy for (outside of my husband) so that suits my budget just fine since we are flying to visit the in-laws this year for Christmas anyway.

 

[Princess_Michelle]

I didn't read the whole thread, so maybe it has been mentioned, but....

How do you adopt a family for Christmas? I would really like to do this and I'm sure my DH's family would too....

Usually, for my MIL side of the family, we just draw names.....FIL's side, we give each family unit a gift, usually something homemade.

THIS year; me, DH, his 3 sisters and one spouse will be drawing names, and me and DH have decided to not give gifts to each other. I know he loves me and vice-versa, we don't need extravagant gifts to say it....KWIM?

I like to get my in-laws tickets to stuff. Last year it was to Sight & Sound and this year will prolly be a Brunch Cruise on the Potomac. We also make lists so noone gets junk they don't want.....I am trying to get a whole pattern of dishes from Pfaltzgraff and I collect the little holiday village stuff too, so that's what I ask for Also, I am kinda the photographer of the family. I take pics at EVERY function, and I like to make calendars and stuff from snapfish...people LOVE getting them, so I do those as well. We only get our DS 3-5 presents and that's it.....

I have a rather small family, so we just buy them stuff.......

I think buying less at the holidays is a GREAT idea.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

we stopped drawing siblings/spouses names long ago(DH's family-12 total)after one person suggested we stop and a HUGE collective agreement went out from the rest of us. This is going to sound bad, but after a couple of years of sending nieces and nephews presents without so much as an acknowlegement of receipt, let alone a thank you..we will be discontinuing that practice, too. DH and I stopped exchanging about 6 years ago, we never needed anything. Then as DSs' got old enough to notice, we started exhanging small gifts that we had purchased for ourselves, got out of the closet, whatever so that the kids would not think that Christmas is all about them. Even though it is. We just don't want them to think that. So now one of us will approach the other with a thing we just bought for ourselves and say, "here, wrap this up for Christmas for me." I got a POTC t shirt last year free from a promotion, that got wrapped up for him, and I think I have received the same digital tire pressure gauge three times in a row.

 

[timzagain]

For years, I've tried to come up with a solution to the escalating Christmas gift expense. We were buying gifts for children we never saw or heard from, until we were dropping off gifts. Likewise, my children were receiving gifts from people they barely knew. We culled the list down to the nearest and dearest, that includes adults and children! Oddly enough, we dropped some people, and added others, but I am comfortable with our list as it stands now!

My approach to lowering my gift expense, has been to reduce the amount spent per gift. By shopping year round, I am able to get nice stuff at better prices. Not only is it less stressful, I actually find that I made better choices when I'm shopping for one or two gifts at a time, than when I have to buy 25 gifts over 2 weeks!

When MIL retired, she simply announced that she will no longer be buying adult gifts - end of discussion. I wasn't at all offended - it was a practical decision. You could try the same approach (my preferred approach) or you could gradually wean them by buying less elaborate gifts.

 

[grammynelliebelle]

I didn't read the whole thread, so maybe it has been mentioned, but....

How do you adopt a family for Christmas? I would really like to do this and I'm sure my DH's family would too....

Usually, for my MIL side of the family, we just draw names.....FIL's side, we give each family unit a gift, usually something homemade.

THIS year; me, DH, his 3 sisters and one spouse will be drawing names, and me and DH have decided to not give gifts to each other. I know he loves me and vice-versa, we don't need extravagant gifts to say it....KWIM?

I like to get my in-laws tickets to stuff. Last year it was to Sight & Sound and this year will prolly be a Brunch Cruise on the Potomac. We also make lists so noone gets junk they don't want.....I am trying to get a whole pattern of dishes from Pfaltzgraff and I collect the little holiday village stuff too, so that's what I ask for Also, I am kinda the photographer of the family. I take pics at EVERY function, and I like to make calendars and stuff from snapfish...people LOVE getting them, so I do those as well. We only get our DS 3-5 presents and that's it.....

I have a rather small family, so we just buy them stuff.......

I think buying less at the holidays is a GREAT idea.

If you are interested in "adopting" a family for Christmas you could contact you local county Board of Social Services. The case workers often have alist of families and the things they could use , ie special requests, sizes for clothing etc. It is very humbling to read the requests of some folks. Often thing we takle for granted to be able to get. (Socks, pjs etc) Of course this is done without you knowing the real identity of the family. Our church also does a similar activity and food baskets as well as gifts are collected. Many churches also have a Giving tree where you take request pringted on a paper ornament and then return the gift to the tree in time for it to be distributed. There seems to be many ways to help and I agree buying less for ourselves is really MORE!. Grammy