How did you stop exchanging Christmas gifts with adults?

[AlleyKat]

And frankly, it's $300 I want to quit wasting.

I've just decided that "I" want to do with my money what "I" want to, and no one else can make me spend money on things I dont' want to.

I want to ENJOY Christmas, enjoy time with family, have time to bake, go to more events at church, etc. I'm thinking of enclosing a letter in this year's Christmas cards explaining that starting next year we no longer will be exchanging gifts with the adults.

Save yourself the time and aggravation(and most likely, the unwanted hostility of others)of enclosing a letter in your cards.

Stop buying for everyone cold turkey...I did years ago, with no repercussions!

Give only to those who have a special place in your heart, wish all others a very joyous season.

Bring cookies, fudge, homemade "goodies", etc. to get togethers, spend more time with family, revel in the blessings of the season, especially enjoying the events at church BUT don't feel guilty if someone buys you something...just thank them without apologies!

 

[DisneyDazed]

Well on my side of the family we are all realistic enough to realize it just isnt possible to exchange gifts anymore. I have 8 brothers and sisters and they all have like 4 or more children so it was easy to stop doing. Family get togethers are always more important to us then a gift.
Now on my DHs side of the family, well thats an entire different story. Its the same as you, give a gift because you HAVE to. We used to try and be really thoughtful and give great gifts. They ended up being exspensive too. Well a few seasons back as I climbed into my SILs van I saw a huge box of gifts to be returned. I looked at her and said what on earth is the point? Just stop giving useless gifts. This is NOT what the season is all about. She scoffed at me. the following year His sister we got a digital camera that never saw the light of day and all four of her children looked at their gifts and threw them on the ground as they mumbled thanks. We in return got a $25 gift card for a resturant that is over an hour away from us. I voiced how annoying it was and the following year we got nothing and gave nothing. I think his family was doing it to be spiteful but once they caught on to how relaxing it was not to have to worry about gifts and such they quite liked the idea.

 

[allissimmo]

Among my siblings, their significant others, and me...we are doing a gift exchange, everyone draws one name out of a hat and buys for that person only (couples still obviously get stuff for each other) and we have a limit of $75. Works great!

 

[sk!mom]

Just give advance warning and then STICK to it.

In my extended family the children (under 18) draw names and exchange gifts.

Instead of the adults exchanging gifts, when we get together for a few days over the holiday, we adopt a needy family. Each adult and some of the children chip in what they can. We normally have $200 to 300 to spend. Then we take our children shopping for the family. It is heartwarming to watch your child dip into their allowance to buy an extra toy for a child who has little. I then host a wrapping party at my house so that the children in our family can wrap the purchases. Finally, we rent a trolley from the city, deliver the gifts, and then ride around looking at Christams lights before going back to Grandma's for cookies and cocoa. It has become a treasured family tradition and much more meaningful than gifts.

 

[cocoswife]

It was quite easy... Christmas 2002.. we spent over $1200 on adult's gift for DH's family only (DH has five sisters plus their husbands ). Plus, one of his sisters always "forgot" to get gifts fro everyone claiming she dd not have time (She had just bought a $1,000,000 dollar house, she could afford Christmas gifts) Christmas 2003 .. I walked into the mall and could not bring myself into buying so many expensive gifts.I walked into Pier 1 got 5 scented candles with iron stands, then went to Marshalls and got 5 hair wrap towels, placed them into a gift bag and gave it to each SIL on Christmas. If you could have seen their faces when they opened our gift, then all of them admited that they could not afford to buy everyone an expensive gift and that was the year that the family gift exchange started. We write our names down on a piece of paper and pick one name out at Thanksgiving.

 

[MrsPete]

Well on my side of the family we are all realistic enough to realize it just isnt possible to exchange gifts anymore. I have 8 brotehrs and sisters and they all have like 4 or more children so it was easy to stope doing.

I don't have quite that many siblings, but my family is very much like yours: large and realistic. Once we started getting married and children arrived on the scene, everyone sort of realized at the same time that the "give everyone a gift" thing just wasn't working any longer. Not only was it too much money and effort to buy, and too much stuff to deal with later, but the gift giving/opening was so lengthy that it wasn't enjoyable.

Everyone was grateful to one of my brothers who had the nerve to say first, "Why don't we draw names at Thanksgiving?" Our parents don't draw for names. They buy something for all their children, and all the children buy for them. It's sort of "optional" whether adults buy for children -- they get plenty of gifts. This system is working out very well for us. When we have our big family get-together, every adult gets one nice gift. Everyone has played fair, and no one has had hard feelings.

If you're having trouble getting your family on the same page, here's what I'd suggest:
The most important thing is to discuss it well in advance. Don't wait until after Thanksgiving when people have already started buying gifts. January and February, when people are thinking about cleaning up Christmas and paying Christmas bills is a good time.

You volunteer to host Christmas at your house so you'll have an excuse to send out invitations (or just put this note in your Christmas cards): I'm so glad we've all decided to put the emphasis of our gathering on the real meaning of Christmas, and we're looking forward to getting together to celebrate Christ's birth instead of gifts! Please remember that we've all agreed to ________ in buying gifts this year.

Or, make a rule that everyone can only bring cosumable gifts: restaurant gift cards, homemade goodies, stamps and stationary, etc. At least these practical things wont' sit around the house forever, then end up in a yard sale.

Or whip up a nice stocking for each family member and make a rule that this year everyone brings a stocking stuffer for adults -- no big gifts. When people come in, divide their gifts up into the proper stockings. At least you don't have to figure out where to store those large items.

Or announce ahead of time that since everyone's agreed that you're not exchanging gifts, anyone who brings an "adult gift" must remove the tag and it must be given annonymously.

If people pull the "I've just ordered your gift" or "I can't wait for you to see it" stuff, remind them nicely that you had an agreement . . . and DON'T go back on your word, regardless of whether the others do. If a few people in the family stick to it, others will go along.

Good luck.

 

[zalansky]

I am still working on this myself. I have 4 nephews and a niece that range in age from 18-23. I am still expected to "give" to them every Xmas, meaning send them money because that is what they want. So I send $25. I am not doing it any longer, it is ridiculous! I livein Fl and they all live in NY....I could almost see if we got together at Xmas and buying them a gift, not arbitrariliy giving them money to party with (because honestly that is what they do with it) - but I don't even see my family at Xmas. I suggested drawing a name of the adults a few years ago and that didn't go over well with one sister (dramatic as well) but we did it and it only lasted one year. My one sister said she couldn't bear not giving gifts to her family at Xmas time. She has no in-laws to buy for. We have tons.
This year I am sending out an email - I have brought it up verbally but I am sure it was dismissed - that I am no longer sending money to the "kids". They are adults now and if they want to we can go back to name drawing and buying one gift for the adults.
Sorry, but I just think Xmas is for children. Yes I will buy a few small thing for my DH and he for me.....but that's how it should be. Not buying a present for everyone you know.

 

[summerrluvv]

We do a gift game for the adults in the extended family. Each person brings one gift worth $25. Then everyone draws a number. The person with #1 goes first, picks a gift, unwraps it. Then #2 goes and they can take #1's gift or pick a new one from the pile and so on. It's really fun!

 

[rocky41102]

We draw names and exchange that way on my husband's side. My side of the family doesn't do it that way, but we're smaller. A good present for people is one of those photo calendars that you make with your own pictures. I make those for parents, siblings, and grandparents every year and just give them as a family gift. Sign up for emails from companies like snapfish, shutterfly, and york and you can have them made for like $10 each or if you have good equipment already you can make them at home. They're inexpensive, but people love the thought that went into them so the price doesn't get noticed.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I have one sister and my husband is an only child and although we both have a very small family, we found no reason to buy something for someone just to buy it. Christmas has come away from the true meaning. I would love to get away from presents althogether. My husband and i are not well off at all and there are some things that we would like, but we don't need them. My sister and i agreed not to buy for each other or our spouse, but we do buy for the children. For grandparents we give them pics. I know that sounds cheap, but that is what they ask for. I also approached the subject with my best friend. I told her that i would rather have a grils day out shopping or for lunch. I never get to do that . She is 30 and still lives at home and she is spoiled(I say that in a nice way) She enjoys opening presents. We finally set a limit on $20.00. You could suggest that instead of buying for each other you donate to a good cause, not necessarily the same amount that you would spend on them. You shouldn't feel that you have to buy something for someone. For those reluctant people who don't like your idea, I am sure once you don't give to them, but they have given to you, they will stop buying for you. That will be the end of it. It might cause a problem in the family, but youw ould have already stated what your intentions were.

 

[vatmark]

We draw a name and then we set a limit on how much to spend. It works out great. It was just getting to be too much hassel and too much money to buy stuff for everyone.

Annie

 

[imsayin]

This question is for anyone who has successfully stopped all the non-necessary adult to adult Christmas gift giving.

Raising my hand! I have been successful at this. With my family, it was easy as several people were thinking along the same lines. Kids still get presents, but only those in attendance (2 kids for me to buy for, many of the neices/nephews are adults). On DH's side, it was a bit delayed, as DMIL was very into the adult children participating in the grab bag (I don't usually let people sway me, but I wanted her to be happy). The year after she died, I told DH, I'm out of the grab bag. I told him he could stay in if he wanted, but I was out. He opted out also. His family didn't take it as well as mine, but I'm into simplification. Not to sound like scrouge, but I didn't want any more clutter or future garage sale items. On his side, the kids draw names amongst themselves, with a $25 limit. I'm into reducing the clutter they receive also.

 

[ReneeQ]

Hi, I'm the OP. GREAT responses so far. To elaborate a bit more - and this might sound harsh - "I" have decided that I will no longer spend money on buying gifts for adults. Period. They don't have to like it. I'm not really looking for ways to win them over to my idea of not giving.

I'm tired of people "making" me buy things because THEY still want to exchange gifts. Well, I don't. Like many of the posts have said, they don't want what I give anyway and have to return it. And I don't want what they usually give me. It's truly become giving a gift to get a gift, as there is no thought behind it.

So, I guess I'm really looking for good creative ways to inform the family of my decision. And, many of you have posted answers to that, so thanks!!

 

[imsayin]

So, I guess I'm really looking for good creative ways to inform the family of my decision

Go with the explanation that explains you want to reduce stress,simplify the chaotic holidays, and focus on family time and that includes eliminating present exchanges with adults. It helps not to include the "I don't want what you're giving me" line.

 

[ReneeQ]

It helps not to include the "I don't want what you're giving me" line.

I LOVE it! Okay, I won't come right out and say that. (But there is sure a SIL I'd LOVE to say that too!!)

 

[calie_j]

Great subject. We draw names in the inlaw side of the family but that's still 5 gifts our family has to buy plus parents (who don't want or need anything so we get them something consumable). On my side we only buy for my parents, my siblings stopped buying for us so that ended the buying only for kids years ago. But when you add all those in with your own kids/spouse and then all the school & church gifts it adds up and yes it is stressful. So I decided enough is enough and I've already told my best friend I do not want her buying for me or my family. I told her we can't afford it and neither can she and I'd rather her and I spent a fun day together Christmas shopping for our own families with lunch out. I know I'll have to talk to her again about this and hope she'll see I'm serious. But bottom line, if needed, I'll tell her I am not buying for your family so it's your decision what you want to do and stick with it.

Calie

 

[momrek06]

My family decided on Christmas 2005 that we are all getting much older, all our kids are getting older and at some point this gift giving was getting out of hand.

We sat down LAST Xmas at dinner and talked about it all openly. Everyone AGREED. We are work and have families and homes and the shopping for all the extended family members and getting them in the mail was getting to be more difficult than FUN. After the holidays was over I typed up the LIST. I spent hours putting it all together.

Everyone has ONE person to spend $50.00 on..period! You can get them a gift or a gift card. BUT THAT IS IT. We will all get ONE gift. I emailed the list to all and within a period of time I heard back that everyone has their name to shop for. I will save this LIST for 2007 and make sure I switch up all the names.

We have 22 people to buy for and NOW it is down to ONE.

Anyone still in school or college was exempt from the LIST and if anyone wanted to buy for them, they could...but not necessary at all.

Last October I also made a major change. I was exchanging gifts with a very good friend of mine (who lives a distance from me) for years. We would buy for each others kids. The kids would always get together (when they were much younger) during Xmas holidays and open their presents and spend time together. Well as the kids grew up and went off in different directions, DGF and I were always just giving the purchased gifts to each other when we would see each other and then the kids would open them when they saw their mom....it was (as the OP said) "giving a gift to get a gift" and no real meaning behind it. I EMAILED DGF and told her I felt it was unnecessary to continue this practice AND she totally agreed. We, instead, send each other's kids (now 24&21) just a lovely Xmas card each year. I suggested the SAME with their birthdays because it was basically the same practice!!

Hey, this gets way to costly for so many and we are all working so hard and are just so busy all the time and I know that sounds so scroogey but for us it is a good plan that everyone has agreed to!!!

 

[clh2]

We stopped giving adult sibs presents about 10 years ago, on BOTH sides of the families. There are many nieces/nephews around, so there is still gift givng/presents to unwrap etc.

This has reduced a ton of stress for everyone.

The only time we get something for a gift is if one of the churches we belong to is having a fund-raising thing going on, and everyonce in a while one of the sibs will purchase "whatevers where in the fundraiser" hand out. Occasionally, we'll get a really great bag of caramel corn, or some church cookbooks. While these are gifts, they do not need to be reciprocated.

We give gifts for all nieces/nephews who are in school, including college. Once they have completed their undergrad degree, they get removed from the list.

To even make things less stressful for me, out of my 10 nieces and newphews, the older 8 will get GC's. Besides, 7 of the 10 are girls, and love to shop. Plus, the GC money will usually go further after Christmas, due to clearance sales that happen after Christmas.

 

[Belle5]

Me--I did it! Give me the credit or the blame (depending on your point of view)
DH has 4 siblings all older-- 7-14 years older. I am 12-14 years younger than the SIL's that I contacted several years ago. I ruined it for everyone. SIL 14 years older than me was very relieved. SIL 12 years older was furious. I ruined Christmas with my idea, apparently. She got over it. I was tired of DH not having money to EVER buy me a gift and me NEVER having money to buy a gift for my DH. We were drawing names spending $75 for the family who's name we had drawn. With 5 of our own children to buy for (we have 6 now) plus 4 grandparents, then the $75 gift for relatives we never see...I decided I had had enough and wanted out. That $75 could be used toward entire Christmas for one of my children. I just did it and haven't looked back. Oh, yeah...DH and I give each other a small gift now.

 

[deekaypee]

Hi, I'm the OP. GREAT responses so far. To elaborate a bit more - and this might sound harsh - "I" have decided that I will no longer spend money on buying gifts for adults. Period. They don't have to like it. I'm not really looking for ways to win them over to my idea of not giving.

[...]

So, I guess I'm really looking for good creative ways to inform the family of my decision. And, many of you have posted answers to that, so thanks!!

Well, you suggested the holiday letter. This might have the advantage if you composed your letter as a sort of new holiday promise that focuses on your family's decision to simplify your holidays and recommit to making memories and spending quality time with loved ones in low-stress ways--family get-togehers, baking, church events. You could talk about your plans and then include a phrase about not giving gifts to adult members of your family; this could be worded as a secondary part of the letter and one which is subordinate to the overall intention of the decision. Such a strategy might work.

In general, though, I'm not sure what you mean by a creative way to tell folks and what advantages that offers??? Especially if you have no interest in convincing the rest of the family to follow your lead. If that's the case, I'd think a simple, direct conversation with family members. Just informing them--I loved your use of that word!--of your plans might be the best route.

On the other hand, I am kind of enamored with the idea that you could send out those gift-card/money-holder holiday cards, empty, with a short note saying, "Guess what you're not getting this year?" But my family tends to have a warped sense of humor.