How did you stop exchanging Christmas gifts with adults?

[UMTerp]

I've tried to cut down/eliminate the gifts with DH's family but it just isn't working. First time (two years ago) I thought we all agreed on one gift per person. This arose because of an issue where my DS only got one gift the previous year and his cousin (only 6 months younger) and my DD got numerous gifts from the in-laws. He was heartbroken because he had spent a long weekend about a month earlier doing all kinds of chores/jobs for his grandparents. I was upset too and DH wouldn't tell his parents no more gifts so I agreed to one gift per person so we wouldn't have a repeat. Of course everyone else followed the agreement except DH's parents. Last year the kids drew names and we agreed (I thought) no adult gifts since we were going to a ski resort and would be paying for hotel, meals, etc. Kids part went great but then DH's mother and aunt gave us gifts. We had nothing for them or any of the other adults. I really don't know what to do from this point on. I don't want anything from them and don't want my kids to be hurt by being treated unfairly/unequal. Sorry, just had to vent. If anyone has any ideas that would be great!

UMTerp

 

[Princess_Michelle]

If you are interested in "adopting" a family for Christmas you could contact you local county Board of Social Services. The case workers often have alist of families and the things they could use , ie special requests, sizes for clothing etc. It is very humbling to read the requests of some folks. Often thing we takle for granted to be able to get. (Socks, pjs etc) Of course this is done without you knowing the real identity of the family. Our church also does a similar activity and food baskets as well as gifts are collected. Many churches also have a Giving tree where you take request pringted on a paper ornament and then return the gift to the tree in time for it to be distributed. There seems to be many ways to help and I agree buying less for ourselves is really MORE!. Grammy

Thanks! Last year, we had an Angel Tree at our church, I was so upset b/c they were all gone before I got one.... They ended up filling it up again, and I STILL missed it. But, atleast that means that all those kids got something This year, though, I'm gonna pounce on that sucker. You know now that I think about it...our church did Thanksgiving baskets to needy families last year, so maybe my pastor can tell me how to donate a family, HEY, maybe I'll even suggest that the church do it too If they don't already....we haven't been there long........Anyways, thanks......

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks! Last year, we had an Angel Tree at our church, I was so upset b/c they were all gone before I got one.... They ended up filling it up again, and I STILL missed it. But, atleast that means that all those kids got something This year, though, I'm gonna pounce on that sucker. You know now that I think about it...our church did Thanksgiving baskets to needy families last year, so maybe my pastor can tell me how to donate a family, HEY, maybe I'll even suggest that the church do it too If they don't already....we haven't been there long........Anyways, thanks......

That's a great idea. You might also check with people that you know well and trust. We like to adopt a family too. Sometimes it's somebody in the community who has had a lot of sickness (and medical bills) or has lost their job or is a single parent working at a low paying job. One year, a lady I work with told me about a family that she knew who had had the father leave them and were in a bad situation financially. There are LOTS of people out there who need help.

 

[AutumnKlassic]

I am the shopper in the family. I usually start right after christmas when everything goes on discount and get other things I see on the clearance rack through out the year. I listen to everyones conversations and listen to things they say they want all year. I have been known to get 3 or 4 really good gifts (I have seen them wear the clothes often) for each person for under $30. But on my fiancees side of the family they dont seem to like shopping so they fall back on the candle or gift card route. I cant use candles with 3 cats in the house and I dont need gift cards (I recieved one once from the store 5-7-9 and I am an 18). We finally started on the extended family drawing names but all anyone got was gift cards (except for the gift my fiancee and I gave. We drew another couple with kids and found a portable dvd player for the $50) But we still have his parents and brother and sister-in-law (I am always getting calls what does Sean want? Will you just get it and let us pay you back?). I want to eliminate them too, the fiancee agrees, I just dont know how to bring it up. I know they havent bought anything yet and everything I have bought can wait till birthdays.



And we are planning to be at Disney World (which his family cant and wont understand) the two weeks prior to Christmas anyways. And they dont want anything from there (WIERDO'S)

 

[iluveeyore]

We go through this every year - my Dsis won't give it up - I say don't buy gifts for us, buy for your own family and we'll just have a fun family gathering and meal. But every year she tells me she bought this for my DS and that for me and tells me what to buy my four nephews. And we always buy gifts for DH's family just to watch everyone, especially the niece and nephew, just rip through gifts looking less than excited and then leaving them laying all over without giving them a second glance.
We tried to plan a trip to WDW for just us and our children for Christmas, but it's just too expensive for our budget right now (already have a trip planned for DH's 40th next month!).
I came up with the idea that we should just buy a family gift or do a family gift basket for each of our families, but even that's going to cost $$ we don't have to spend - I'd need a basket for my sis, DH's brother, DH's parents and for my Dad. I think if I can limit it to some hand-made items, some baked goods and maybe a DVD for each that would be great. And the Dollar store has some great containers I could probably put them in and decorate for Christmas.
Wish me luck!

 

[scrapquitler]

We have a large family, and the gift thing was just ridiculous. One year, someone proposed that we put all the adults names into a hat and each one of us picked one name, and we bought ONE adult gift, for about $25. That was fine. A couple of years later, we decided that even that was kind of nuts, we were just buying so that there was a gift to be opened, and whats the point of that? So we just stopped buying for the adults. Now we only buy for the under 18's.

HOWEVER, we do a grab bag. We do $10 limit, everyone (including kids) puts in one gift and gets a number. First person picks a gift and opens it, secodn person picks a gift and opens it, with the option to trade with the previously opened gift. Third Person, picks a gift has the option to trade and so on until the last gift is opened, then the first person gets the option of ALL the gifts.
Sometimes there are gifts that get traded over and over, other times hardly any trading happens. There are always a number of 'gag' gifts and some rather nice things. In general, everyone makes sure that my 94 year old grandmother and the youngest kids end up with what they want from the grab bag by trading to keep them happy.

 

[scrapquitler]

Someone mentioned buying for one siblings children where there are only two vs. buying for another siblings children where there are six children.

Instead of worrying that you are spending different amounts on the families because of different numbers of children or whatever, consider buying a gift for the 'family' rather than for the individual children. And consider experiences vs. stuff. By this I mean instead of a sweater for everyone or a toy for each of the kids, buy a family membership to the Zoo, tickets for the family to go to a concert, gift certificates for them to go out to dinner together, etc. They there is not 'stuff' accumulating, and the kids won't feel that their cousin got more money spent on them.

 

[lucas]

I have been trying to figure out a way to bring this up with my co-worker this year. She gives me a gift card, I give her a gift card.... all we are doing is exchanging money. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to ask her if she want to stop exchanging for Christmas.

 

[momof4andmore]

Our family used to do the same thing. We all spent way too much money and time searching for gifts for the adults in our families. And with 5 siblings, 5 spouses and 16 grandchildren it was too much! We decided that the cousins would all pick a name to exchange a gift with. And the adults all do a grab- bag...the best gift you can buy for $15. We have a great time because we do it as a Yankee Swap where you can take the gift from another person if you don't like the one that you chose. It takes the pressure off at Christmas. We always have one day between Christmas and New Years where we all get together as a family to do our grab bag. It's about family and fun....not about presents. I highly recommend it!

 

[horseshowmom]

I have been trying to figure out a way to bring this up with my co-worker this year. She gives me a gift card, I give her a gift card.... all we are doing is exchanging money. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to ask her if she want to stop exchanging for Christmas.

Maybe ask her if instead of exchanging gifts, she would be willing for the two of you to adopt one of the angels on an Angel Tree (or whatever they have in your area).

 

[rantnnravin]

Here's what we've been doing in my family for the past few years:

Everyone goes out and buys $250 worth of gift cards - in whatever denominations you choose that add up to $250 - and puts them in a giftbag. everyone participating gets the same bag so none are distinguishable from another. Then everyone chooses a bag. But here's the fun part, then we all start bartering and trading for the cards. My sister could care less about the disney gift card in her bag but sure could use the stop-and-shop one, etc.
We enjoy trying to come up with some really interesting and unique places in usable denominations. No one needs a $50 starbuck giftcard, but $10 sure is nice to have in the wallet. My DSis and i try to scoop up the border's/barnesand nobles, and it become really fun. And there's nothing like being able to just stop at payless one gloomy april afternoon and buy yourself a new pair of shoes.

 

[rantnnravin]

I have been trying to figure out a way to bring this up with my co-worker this year. She gives me a gift card, I give her a gift card.... all we are doing is exchanging money. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to ask her if she want to stop exchanging for Christmas.

how about:
"DH and i had a pretty rough year, would you mind if we didn't exchange Christmas gifts this year?"

she'll probably be relieved.

 

[Andrea from PA]

Seems like there is no easy answer on the stop buying.

2007 will be our best Christmas ever.

My Mom's extended family started doing a pollyanna 6 or so years ago. I hoped on bored with my entire crew (DH & 3 kids). I am the only one with kids, so the family went nuts that I was limiting the "fun" buying to 3 lucky winners in our group of about 20, but I wanted my kids to get LESS stuff. My boys birthdays are in December (15th & 22nd) and we get a store load of stuff. Well, the pollyanna has never worked perfect. We has a $40 limit, but some think it is too low & for others it pushes it to the limit. Due to numerous circumstances we are suspending pollyanna this year in favor of a "Chinese exchange" No idea where the term came from, but basically we are taking good stuff from our house we don't use & regifting.

DHs family is a whole different species ---

We will never be able to stop adult giving! My 50 yr old SIL is single & makes a great living (she has a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath house & lives alone). The rest of us (3 other familes) are not as financially stable. The 50 yr old REQUIRES a big Christmas. Compound that with she loves shopping & has everything she needs so she is impossible to find things for.

After years of trying to change DHs family ways, we just accept that to keep peace we just keep buying. The Christmas cost is worth the cost of keeping peace.

 

[lucas]

Maybe ask her if instead of exchanging gifts, she would be willing for the two of you to adopt one of the angels on an Angel Tree (or whatever they have in your area).

how about:
"DH and i had a pretty rough year, would you mind if we didn't exchange Christmas gifts this year?"

she'll probably be relieved.

Thanks for the suggestions. Now I have to get up enough nerve to do it!

 

[Mocharilla]

We still do it, and it's so dumb. Everyone just exchanges checks. We've mentioned it before, and people got offended. I don't see why we can't cut out the middle man, and, instead of me giving someone a check and them giving me a check for the same amount, just stop the gift giving between us, focus on gifts for the kids, and just enjoy each other's company.

I may follow your suggestion and just hope other people are okay with it. I'm honestly fine if everyone else wants to exchange gifts, but we'd rather not give/get unnecessary gifts. Of course, though, we'll still include the kids.

 

[WendyisDarling]

I haven't read the whole thread but this is what my SIL did...she just didn't buy any gifts one year and hasn't since. At the time I thought it was kind of crappy because she has 4 kids and DH and I had none so we bought all these gifts which was financially difficult for us. I thought she should have at least said "we decided we don't want to exchange anymore". That was 12 years ago, so it's kind of funny now. How bold. Just don't do it. No one can make you buy gifts. I don't generally recommend this technique (come to think of it MIL did the same thing 2 years ago--she just stopped and didn't mention it ).

My brother got married this fall and his wife wanted to put an end to our holiday exchange (her first Christmas with us or even knowing my brother). I can understand why some families don't do it. But, we don't have a big family and we enjoy it. New SIL said in her family they only buy gifts for the kids (I'm the only one with kids and believe me they already get enough). I really enjoy buying gifts for my brother and sister. So, we just told her that we were very sincere and wouldn't be uspet if she decided to not purchase gifts, but we planned to continue. She was mad and gave everyone "regifts" from her wedding and told us they were re-gifts . Honestly, I would have rather she been like my other SIL and just opted out without saying a word.

My family is pretty messed up, though.

 

[Ricky's Girl]

We had talked about doing away with adult gifts for several years. This year we finally had a frank talk with the family over Thanksgiving and just told them we would prefer not to exchange gifts. Actually everyone seemed releaved. Christmas day was still a wonderful family experience just being together and watching the little ones open their gifts. And the best part was no credit card bills to pay off in January! I'm looking forward to Christmas this year - not dreading it!

 

[Dizisfun]

We stopped exchanging gifts or buying gifts for our siblings years ago. I was the first to say I cant do this anymore, I don't know what to buy you and I can't afford to buy it for you anyway. I have 4 siblings and my husband has 3 siblings and all of them have spouses. It got to be too much. And now their children have started families of their own. We tried just having the kids exchange gifts and that worked for awhile and then the kids started having kids. Now we simply get together the weekend before Christmas. One of us decides to host a family get together-usually me and I have a whole bunch of people in my house telling stories about when we were kids and having a good time. Which is really fun because some of the grandchildren haven't heard the stories about their parents and grandparents growing up. Fortunately both of my parents are still alive and we do buy for them, usually stuff that they don't need. My dad still has sweaters in his closet that are still in the gift boxes that he received them in from years ago. He told us all last year to just not buy him anything and take him out to eat someplace after Christmas, he likes to eat and he loves a good buffet. LOL

 

[DawnM]

I WISH we would do this! Not going to happen in DH's family.

Dawn

 

[Vijoge]

Four or five years ago my DSIL(in her 40's) sent out an email listing what everyone in the family wanted for Christmas. She does this every year. This time however, she mailed the wish list sometime in May! It was then that I decided the whole thing had gone too far.

I replied, told her we'd be more than happy to draw names for a gift exchange, but that was all. We have not been invited for Christmas since. We don't even get invited for Thanksgiving any more! I'm not complaining.