How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[ksjayhawks]

If the wedding is being held where a lot of your family lives maybe one of them can recommend a reliable babysitter for the evening. If there are many local family members going I'm sure at least a few of them can recommend a good sitter that they have used and like.

Or, maybe one of the local relatives will be using a regular babysitter to watch their own kids and is willing to have your kids stay there as well. Your children might be happy to stay and play with some relatives around their own age.

These seem like options that you could consider. Surely some of the other relatives that live there have kids and will need sitters.

OP--how old are your children? Are they in school, preschool, play groups? Are they used to interacting with other adults besides you, dh, and gm?

And, if you choose not to explore those options, then you just decline the invitation. It is sad that you won't be able to go, but that is what happens when we have kids. There will always be things that the parents are invited too and the kids aren't. We need to make decisions on how important it is for us to attend those events and respond accordingly.

 

[C.Ann]

These seem like options that you could consider. Surely some of the other relatives that live there have kids and will need sitters..

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This was my thought as well - because she said that's where all of her family lives.. Certainly at least one family member has a sitter that they use on a regular basis - and will be using so that they too can attend the wedding..

Or maybe there's more to it than just not wanting to use a babysitter at all - because of the cost..

 

[danalee]

I read this post earlier today and didnt reply, just came back and read it again. My take was/is the same both times, I would be upset if my cusion did this to me, I mean yes your wedding of course your choice but why not mention it before hand?

in all the times you talked or seen each other why didnt she say "by the way we have made the choice not to have children at the wedding" simple one line, why keep it a secret til the invites come out?

and sorry i dont leave my child with someone elses baby sitter, just me I know, but i know my child and he and I would be uncomfortable all night so why bother.
anyway what I took from the OP is that she was upset that her cusion didnt mention the "no kids" thing and thats why she was upset, I would have been upset as well, again of course your wedding your choice but she could have mentioned it to her.

Op i would mark "unable to attend" and leave it at that.

 

[clh2]

Hugs to the OP. Sometimes things like this are just hard. It sounds like you were really looking forward to going to this wedding. I agree - it seems like the bride could have addressed this head on a couple of months ago.

This is bringing on a whole flashback to the wedding shower of a niece of mine...NO - I'm not going there tonight... the post would be really long, and still would not change my opinion of the events that transpired.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

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A stranger - no.. I was thinking more along the lines of someone that one of her family members uses on a regular basis.. From what she has said, most of her family lives in the area where the wedding is being held - not where she lives..

That would still be a stranger to her. I don't care if my cousins use a babysitter. If I do not know the person very well they are not watching my kids.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Money aside I think the issue is that the OP would not leave her children with some stranger even if they came from an agency. I don't blame her. I wouldn't either.

Right. I understand that. It just surprises me that relatively long-time parents don't have some type of back-up child care arrangements - a neighbor, a trusted teen who's sat for their kids, even intermittently and in their presence, for several years...

I know when I go to Bar Mitzvah's of friends kids I usually give a 180.00 gift. I knew the cost of my bff;s wedding 14 years ago, and I made sure I covered the cost of the "plate". It was something I could afford though. When I left my ex and had my bff's wedding (a different bff)

Okay, getting a little off-topic, but doesn't this sort of negate the second "F" in BFF - considering it stands for "forever"?

Generally, the rule is that out of town guests can bring well behaved children

Generally, there is no generally. The rule is whatever the bride and groom decide for THEIR wedding. This wedding, no children are invited or allowed.

 

[sarasotamom]

Please this is should be taken as a mother of a bride, the one paying for the wedding. I know that when both my daughters were married, the price of the reception is based on the number attending. Most caterers or venues do not make an exception in the price they charge for children.

We were charged the same for children or adults. We paid $75.00 a plate plus $25.00 for open bar, regardless if you drank or not. In todays economy, that is a very steep price. They are not meaning to disrespect you children, they are trying to make a goood financial decsision.

Having said that, both my daughters wish they had smaller weddings. I spent over $30,000 for both. I tried to tell them to have smaller weddings but they wanted the big wedding. Today, they both wished they had used the money toward a down payment on their homes.

I know, I wished I had done the same thing. Been there done that, becomes a good opinion after the fact.

 

[ICF]

Having said that, both my daughters wish they had smaller weddings. I spent over $30,000 for both. I tried to tell them to have smaller weddings but they wanted the big wedding.

I would have told them to cover the difference in cost if they wanted a big wedding. No way or how I'm dropping $30K on a wedding reception or any other sort of party.

 

[LaraK]

Right. I understand that. It just surprises me that relatively long-time parents don't have some type of back-up child care arrangements - a neighbor, a trusted teen who's sat for their kids, even intermittently and in their presence, for several years...

I don't use anyone except our parents or very close friends to watch my kids. Sorry, I just don't trust anyone else, they're my kids and I have a right to be paranoid about leaving them with someone else.

OP, I hear your pain. I couldn't attend this either. I had a cousin who did a "kids only" wedding. My family was really looking forward to me attending. I said "sorry, can't come". My aunt smacked my cousin upside the head and said that my kids WERE invited. I felt really awkward because clearly the bride and groom didn't want kids. I went, but as soon as possible my husband took my youngest back to the hotel room. My daughter was playing with one of the girls in the wedding (my other cousin's daughter) and they had a blast.

I don't mind if you don't invite kids to your wedding. I'm not offended, but it makes me crazy when other people get all up in arms when you can't attend things like that.

 

[Briarmom]

That's not the norm where I'm from in the Midwest, and I'd say in our family we have had a mix of buffets and 'plated' receptions. There are 8 kids on my Dad's side, and 5 on my Mom's and many many of the Grandkids on my Dad's side have kids....in other words, there are a LOT of us.

If I'd received a Save the Date card from a family member, I'd have had to book airfare to their wedding for all of us. At $1000 a ticket to get back to the US, that's not cheap. I hope that anyone who doesn't want kids at their wedding (and that's TOTALLY FINE with me, btw) would mention that right away in their Save the Date card or email (really? An email?). I'd be really pissed off if I blew $4000 and then didn't get to attend.

I'm also surprised that there are people who don't realize that not everyone lives the same way you (the general you) do. We're always moving, and I'm damn sure not going to leave my kids with someone I've known for 3 months to go to a wedding. I don't have anyone to watch my kids. Ever. Never have, and I won't until ds is 12. Not all of us live near people we'd trust with our kids.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can't imagine you would really be expected to go to a wedding six hours away with out taking your children. I photograph many weddings in the south and I don't recall one where children were not allowed. Most who have babysitters available probably don't bring children but there are definitely children at every wedding I shoot.

NJ is not in the south.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

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Okay - thanks! The thread has gotten far too long, so I haven't read all of it..

I guess the side trip to the beach must have been free - because she did say there was an issue of not having money to pay for a reliable sitter a relative might be able to vouch for in the area where the wedding is to be held - so I guess her only choice is to decline the invitation..

First of all, no the beach trip is not free. We planned to go for about 2-3 days , something fun for me and the kids to do after the wedding. Only reason the beach trip was planned was because we would already be in NJ for the wedding.

If we're not going to the wedding, i'm 99% sure we won't be going to the beach either. We'll find something else to do this summer and just go to WDW in December.

I'm not using a sitter in a strange city. There is no place where the reception is being held for the kids to be watched (thats one of the reasons the brides mom scrapped the idea, plus the expense) I'm not having a sitterI don't know watch my kids in a strange city in a strange hotel room, where I am no where around (for the 100th time). I guess some people feel this is OK, but sorry I don't.

And to bring along a nanny would be way more than I have saved. I'm not going into debt for someone else's wedding.

And no Ann money is not an issue Gees I don't have money to bring a nanny with me, plus nor would I want to, thats what I said.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

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A stranger - no.. I was thinking more along the lines of someone that one of her family members uses on a regular basis.. From what she has said, most of her family lives in the area where the wedding is being held - not where she lives..

No I didn't say family, I said the majority of the people attending the wedding were all local. The only family is us from PA.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I always learn things on the Disboards.

In 50 plus weddings I have attended, probably 5 have had kids - I personally do not find them amusing - they dance goofy on the dance floor, run around and otherwise detract from formalness of the event.

I went completely kid free - not even a flower girl or ring bearer. No one under the age of 18 was invited.

No one batted an eye and everyone came.

Who cares what the bride does (she has her reasons) and no one should care what a guest does (they also have their reasons).

It is an invitation - not a summons.

 

[monkey68]

How old are the kids? Are they sleepover age? If so, do they have any friends they can stay with for a couple days while you go to the wedding? Me and my best friend used to do this as kids, when one of our parents went away, we would spend a few nights together. We both had a blast, it didn't cost our parents anything because they would constantly return the favor, and we were good at entertaining ourselves, so the mom's wouldn't need to do anything more than boil an extra hot dog for dinner.

Otherwise, there is no harm in saying you can't attend. An invitation is just that, an invite. No harm in saying you can't go.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

How old are the kids? Are they sleepover age? If so, do they have any friends they can stay with for a couple days while you go to the wedding? Me and my best friend used to do this as kids, when one of our parents went away, we would spend a few nights together. We both had a blast, it didn't cost our parents anything because they would constantly return the favor, and we were good at entertaining ourselves, so the mom's wouldn't need to do anything more than boil an extra hot dog for dinner.

Otherwise, there is no harm in saying you can't attend. An invitation is just that, an invite. No harm in saying you can't go.

My kids are 10 and 5. My ds could sleep over a friends house (if we had that option) but my daughter is only 5. I would never leave her for a weekend while I go out of state.

Plus we don't have anyone who I would even considering asking for that type of favor. All our friends have family close by so the majority of us use family for our main sitters. I do have friends I could call at a pinch if my mom was out of town and I had an emergency, but I would never dream of imposing my kids on a friend for a weekend so I can go to a wedding.

A local event would be a totally different outcome. We attended a few no kids weddings, but they were all local. To find a sitter for a few hours is no problem, but for a weekend, no.

 

[mickeyboat]

Would your DH be available to stay with the kids at night so you would only have to find someone to watch them during the day while he is at work? Does your DH have any family who might be available to help out?

I still think there is some way you could make this work if you really wanted to. It just sounds to me like you have drawn a line in the sand and have said that if the kids are not invited, then I am not going.

I think that is a perfectly acceptable response - if it is too hard to arrange for child care, and the wedding is not the most important thing in the world to you, then send a gift and your regrets.

 

[Sugardimples]

It sounds like you have decided that you are not going to this wedding. It is not uncommon for a wedding to not include children. (Personally, I don't like this, but that's the way it is.) If you wanted to go, you'd find a way to make it work. It doesn't sound like you are open to a solution. But please think long and hard about this. You may live to regret not being a part of this celebration.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Right. I understand that. It just surprises me that relatively long-time parents don't have some type of back-up child care arrangements - a neighbor, a trusted teen who's sat for their kids, even intermittently and in their presence, for several years...

I have no back up child care at all. At least not for overnight trips. If I have an emergency situation I might be able to call a neighbor for a short period of time but no, not for any overnights. As for a trusted teen, well there is no way I would trust any teen to watch 4 small children for any amount of time. It is a lot of responsibility. I want an experienced adult that I know and trust. (like my Mom) Also, I don't know any teens that babysit at all anyway. Once they are old enogh they get a real job. At least in my neighborhood. It might be different in other places but I don't know anyone who has a teen that babysits their kids. Just family.
Not flaming but it really isn't that uncommon.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have no back up child care at all. At least not for overnight trips. If I have an emergency situation I might be able to call a neighbor for a short period of time but no, not for any overnights. As for a trusted teen, well there is no way I would trust any teen to watch 4 small children for any amount of time. It is a lot of responsibility. I want an experienced adult that I know and trust. (like my Mom) Also, I don't know any teens that babysit at all anyway. Once they are old enogh they get a real job. At least in my neighborhood. It might be different in other places but I don't know anyone who has a teen that babysits their kids. Just family.
Not flaming but it really isn't that uncommon.

When my kids were younger, I would not have left them overnight with a teen, either. I don't think I would leave them overnight with a teen now - at 8 & 9.

Last time I had a teen babysit she locked herself and the kids out of the house and the fire department had to be called to let them back in.

But with 5 months notice I would be able to find a trusted adult to watch my kids overnight - a friend, neighbor or family member, maybe in conjunction with DH if he was working.