How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[daisax]

No kids is pretty much the way things are done here for the most part. I have yet to see any kind of an invitation or save the date type card that specifically says no kids because we all assume no kids unless we're told otherwise.

Yup. Kids are for pool parties and barbecues and the afternoon sides of wakes -- weddings and evening wakes are serious business

 

[kaytieeldr]

If I'd received a Save the Date card from a family member, I'd have had to book airfare to their wedding for all of us. At $1000 a ticket to get back to the US, that's not cheap.

But "save the date" isn't actually a guarantee of anything. Plans change. Would you REALLY have purchased plane tickets for all of you based on a "save the date" e-mail, at that cost per person, without first confirming exactly who should be saving the date? What if the couple were to change their minds - not marry, or elope, or opt to hold the wedding on a Seabourn (i.e. expensive) cruise ship? Would you expect them to reimburse you? Probably not - so why would you hold the bride/groom responsible for your decision to purchase airline tickets without knowing EXACTLY who is invited?

And to bring along a nanny would be way more than I have saved. I'm not going into debt for someone else's wedding.]/quote] Nobody, including me, ever said "nanny". The suggestion, for the most part, is to start NOW finding a teenager you can trust to take care of your children while you are at the wedding. You interview and hire someone to occupy your children IN your home, WHILE you are home, so you can still observe the interaction and - frankly - end things if you feel uncomfortable.

IF things work out over the next few months, before you have to RSVP, you bring the teen with you, with the TRIP being her "pay" - along with, okay, meals and some free time. This person you have grown to trust and with whom your children are comfortable can stay with your children in the hotel* while you are at the wedding.

*Maybe you can even find a hotel closer to the reception hall than a half hour away, for easier accessibility.

Or, as has been suggested a number of times, when the invitation arrives, send your regrets.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Have a little update for all you guys:

The brides mom called my mom today to tell her the hotel I booked my hotel reservations in for the wedding originally is now all booked, because of some sports tournament going on that same weekend. No one else made hotel reservations except me, so no other family has a hotel room.

The brides mom called everywhere in the area (what she told my mom) and told her only rooms open are at a Red Roof,, short of suite rooms for $275.00.

The brides mom asked her if the Red Roof would be OK and if I would change my reservations. My mom asked the brides mom about the no kid policy(again) and asked her if she should call the bride to confirm(again). The brides mom said no, no kids. Seems the future groom has cousins that are hellions and they don't want them there, (just told my mom this) so since she doesn't want them there, mine can'tcome either, even though they would love to have them (brides mom words) My mom told the brides mom the domino effect and said she doubted any of us would be coming due to no one being able to watch the kids.

She suggested letting my kids stay at her house (brides mom) and get a neighborhood teenage kid they know to watch them. I know alot of you suggested this, but I'm just not comfortable with someone watching my kids that I don't know.
Then my 17 year old cousin will be going from PA also. Only other solution is if she doesn't want to go to the reception and will watch the kids at brides moms home. I would be more comfortable with this but not sure how my 17 yo cousin feels about it. She loves my kids and has watched them tons of times before.

I guess when the brides mom found out we weren't all coming she came up with some possible solutions, so we still may be able to go, we'll see.

Thx for all the support !

Can't believe this thread has gone on so long wow! This is the longest thread I've ever started.

 

[kpm76]

My mom asked the brides mom about the no kid policy(again) and asked her if she should call the bride to confirm(again). The brides mom said no, no kids. Seems the future groom has cousins that are hellions and they don't want them there, (just told my mom this) so since she doesn't want them there, mine can'tcome either, even though they would love to have them (brides mom words) My mom told the brides mom the domino effect and said she doubted any of us would be coming due to no one being able to watch the kids. Thx for all the support !

Can't believe this thread has gone on so long wow! This is the longest thread I've ever started.

You know what, I understand this because we were in the same situation. We didn't invite my cousin's kids because it would have meant there were other kids we would have had to invite and we weren't willing to do that. I too would not leave my child with a stranger so I think the only alternative is to politely decline

 

[mhsjax]

They were just following the trend from wedding magazines and planning sites. Donut "cake" has been a HUGE trend for a couple years now. Yawn, trend followers.



OP did you confirm with the actual bride yet? I read backwards to my reply to you, and someone mentioned that you'd confirmed with her directly, but I didn't see that post.


Now I wanna to go a wedding again!

Wow, I had never heard of the Krisy Kreme doughnut cake. oh well. It wouldn't do for me anyway, Ours opened while I was pregnant with DD, I can't tell you haw many I ate, I don't think I ever want to see another one. lol

 

[Scurvy]

.

The brides mom said no, no kids. Seems the future groom has cousins that are hellions and they don't want them there, (just told my mom this) so since she doesn't want them there, mine can'tcome either, even though they would love to have them (brides mom words)

That makes sense. It's a shame, though, since it means your kids won't get to go. Most etiquette sites/books recommend doing it that way. It's recommended that you invite entire groups whenever possible. In other words, don't invite 2 of the 5 people you work closely with each day, don't invite 2 cousins but not the third (if your are on reasonably good terms with all of them). In a case where some of your guests have children that will cause problems, not inviting just those kids might really offend their parents. It's more diplomatic to just not invite any kids.

I'm glad things might work out after all!

 

[Evil Genius]

I find it interesting that no one has called and talked to you directly, they all talk to your mom. Even down to asking if you would change your hotel reservations.

I would not put your 17 year old cousin on the spot to watch your kids. She too might be looking forward to attending the wedding and might feel that she HAS to say yes to you.

 

[bumbershoot]

...the hotel I booked my hotel reservations in for the wedding originally is now all booked, because of some sports tournament going on that same weekend.

Seems the future groom has cousins that are hellions and they don't want them there, (just told my mom this) so since she doesn't want them there, mine can'tcome either, even though they would love to have them (brides mom words).

I would be more comfortable with this but not sure how my 17 yo cousin feels about it. She loves my kids and has watched them tons of times before.

Oh dear...they didn't put a block on those rooms? Poor bride+family. But at least there is some place...hopefully RR let them put a block, with a good price on those rooms...if they do that in their area. We were able to work with the event coordinator at the hotel (Marriott Courtyard) for a great price and blocked off rooms. We definitely got lucky.

That's sad that those kids are ruining it for everyone, including the bride, since she wanted your kids there. That said, I decided not to invite one former co-worker b/c she would have invited her boyfriend (all our invites included sig others) and HE would have invited HIS kids, and they are just awful. The boyfriend even invaded my baby shower the following year to eat the food and cake, when even my hubby wasn't invited to step foot into the house.

So many cousins! How great is that?

 

[onelilspark]

Just a note sans kid issue (because quite frankly I'm surprised at what a big deal everyone is making of it, there's no way I'm inviting any kids to my wedding, my choice, don't care who I piss off, they can just decline, wouldn't bother me...)

Anyways, my cousin's wedding was held during a time where there was a sports tourny coming in. I suggest if you talk to anyone to recommend to keep calling the hotels as many will have rooms that open up as the tournies refine the numbers coming. Also check into local B&B's that tournies probably are not staying at.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Didn't read many of the previous posts but a bride & groom have the right to invite/not invite whomever they want.
If you have kids & are invited to a wedding you bring a babysitter with you or leave your kids home with child care. If you can't do that or are so incredibly offended it's probably best you don't attend.

 

[NTDreams]

As someone that recently got married here is a clue into the wedding of today. Many places don't offer a huge discount for children. Also weddings really aren't a place for children other than flower girls and ring boys and even they are becoming less and less in wedding parties. I had to pay full price for the 8 kids at my wedding. We paid 22 per plate. Our guest list of attendees was 170. I'll let you do the math for what food alone cost us.

Many B&G are paying for their weddings by themselves. You have to cut and pinch where you can. The hotel thing is another story. I had 15 rooms all together on hold. My guest only had to call the the hotel (Hilton Garden Inn)and give their card information. PLUS the rooms where at a discount because we were a group and i got my Honeymoon suite for $50!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I find it interesting that no one has called and talked to you directly, they all talk to your mom. Even down to asking if you would change your hotel reservations.

I would not put your 17 year old cousin on the spot to watch your kids. She too might be looking forward to attending the wedding and might feel that she HAS to say yes to you.

Yea, brides mom does talk directly to my mom. They were very close growing up, so maybe she feels more comfortable who knows. I wouldn't put my 17 yo local cousin she didn't want to be in. We love her dearly. I haven't talked to her yet, but she'll tell me believe me if she doesn't want to do it.

Oh dear...they didn't put a block on those rooms? Poor bride+family. But at least there is some place...hopefully RR let them put a block, with a good price on those rooms...if they do that in their area. We were able to work with the event coordinator at the hotel (Marriott Courtyard) for a great price and blocked off rooms. We definitely got lucky.

That's sad that those kids are ruining it for everyone, including the bride, since she wanted your kids there. That said, I decided not to invite one former co-worker b/c she would have invited her boyfriend (all our invites included sig others) and HE would have invited HIS kids, and they are just awful. The boyfriend even invaded my baby shower the following year to eat the food and cake, when even my hubby wasn't invited to step foot into the house.

So many cousins! How great is that?

No block

Just a note sans kid issue (because quite frankly I'm surprised at what a big deal everyone is making of it, there's no way I'm inviting any kids to my wedding, my choice, don't care who I piss off, they can just decline, wouldn't bother me...)

Anyways, my cousin's wedding was held during a time where there was a sports tourny coming in. I suggest if you talk to anyone to recommend to keep calling the hotels as many will have rooms that open up as the tournies refine the numbers coming. Also check into local B&B's that tournies probably are not staying at.

This had nothing to do with kids being invited or not. It had to do with everyone playing the wedding up for a year now and I just found out by accident my kids were not going to be invited, after I made hotel reservations, bought a dress and told the kids. I don't care who you invite but if guests are coming from out of town and they have kids, it might be a nice thing to do to give them a heads up of "no kids", so other arrangements can be made if possible.

We'll see about the hotels, not sure who's all coming from out of state now that we may not be going, still.

Didn't read many of the previous posts but a bride & groom have the right to invite/not invite whomever they want.
If you have kids & are invited to a wedding you bring a babysitter with you or leave your kids home with child care. If you can't do that or are so incredibly offended it's probably best you don't attend.

This was already established about 200 posts ago.





Bye to all!

 

[MushyMushy]

This was already established about 200 posts ago.

I know it's probably not funny to you, but it's actually becoming quite humorous to see all the people who jump in with strong, yet incorrect, opinions without actually reading.

 

[rie'smom]

My niece lives out of town, so her wedding is of course out of town. My 14 year old is invited to the wedding but not to the rehearsal dinner the night before, so DH and I are not attending. There's no way that I'll leave my teen aged daughter alone in a hotel room.
If she had not been invited to the wedding, she would have either stayed with family friends or her nanny.

 

[NMAmy]

IF things work out over the next few months, before you have to RSVP, you bring the teen with you, with the TRIP being her "pay" - along with, okay, meals and some free time.

Just to go off-topic a bit, as the mom of a teenage daughter, there's no way I'd let her go on a trip with someone to babysit their children for no pay. A "free" trip to the beach with people she doesn't know is not payment for caring for someone's kids.

 

[Nancyg56]

You know what, I understand this because we were in the same situation. We didn't invite my cousin's kids because it would have meant there were other kids we would have had to invite and we weren't willing to do that. I too would not leave my child with a stranger so I think the only alternative is to politely decline

That is the same reason my DD set an age for the young people she was inviting to her wedding. WE told her we had no problem paying for all of eh children but my DSIL's family had some real hooligans and she did not want to deal with them. All or nothing in that age group to avoid hard feelings.

 

[princesspumpkin]

Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.

Just wanted to say that I had my wedding in NJ. A 2nd mortgage wasn't taken out for it. Actually, I'm a nurse and DH was in telemarketing. The total cost of our wedding (which was similar to the price that you quoted) was attained by banking DH's salary for a year and living off of mine. I certainly wasn't rich, but by living within our means, and saving, we could afford to pay for the type of wedding that we wanted.

As you know, everyone's situation is different and everything is relative. That being said, I understand your frustration with the wedding, and with the Dis'ers.