How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[jrmasm]

No one thinks the bride has to justify why she isn't inviting kids (I agree) but plenty of people think that OP needs to justify why she can't attend without her kids. Why is that?

 

[mickeyboat]

No one thinks the bride has to justify why she isn't inviting kids (I agree) but plenty of people think that OP needs to justify why she can't attend without her kids. Why is that?

She doesn't. I think many people have said it is fine to send regrets. But the OP said she really wants to go, and many of us have offered suggestions on how she might be able to do that.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think the Op is just annoyed because this cousin kept saying "I can't wait to se eyou guys at my wedding!" etc. and doesn't even once mention that no kids are invited. Sorry but if she kept going on and on about it she could have at least made sure it was clear that the kids couldn't come. I agree with the Op and I would be annoyed as well.

 

[EMom]

I think the Op is just annoyed because this cousin kept saying "I can't wait to se eyou guys at my wedding!" etc. and doesn't even once mention that no kids are invited. Sorry but if she kept going on and on about it she could have at least made sure it was clear that the kids couldn't come. I agree with the Op and I would be annoyed as well.

I think this may be especially true because there was a domino effect.....One that likely was predictable given the family dynamics. If the OP can't go, then the cousin who was going to ride along with her can't go. If the OP and that cousin don't go, the OP's mom doesn't want to go by herself. So really, this small branch of the family will no longer attend the wedding since children can't come and the OP has no childcare options. (And BTW, she's not alone. I'd be up a creek too.) Sometimes DHs can get time off work, sometimes they are on call 24/7, sometimes a few hundred dollars is money you cannot afford to lose if things go awry, etc. That's life for a lot of Americans.

It's the bride's choice as to whether kids can attend. I think the OP is mostly upset that the wedding was hyped at every single contact (fairly frequent) with a "We can't wait to see you at the wedding!" and the entire time, no one (especially the bride) took the effort to let her know kids weren't welcome. The bride STILL hasn't, as it turns out.....Some cousin happened to mention it to someone else who told the OP. That's a stroke of good luck, since the OP now has a chance to get out of any deposits, etc. and not lose any money.

But the bride KNOWS she's coming from out of town, that hotels cost money, that they're going to the beach afterward, and that isn't free......So if there's a good chance the OP can't come due to childcare issues (and she indicated the bride would be aware of this) then a simple heads up about "no kids" would be polite so that the OP could have time to cancel reservations, or as she said, not put down a NONREFUNDABLE beach house deposit of a few hundred bucks. What I got from her posts was more that she's bugged that no one told her (she heard it through the grapevine, thank goodness) that kids weren't invited so that she could make/cancel plans accordingly even though the bride and her immediate family KNOW she has no childcare options. This, for a wedding that has been jazzed on for months.

I'd decline, feel fine about it, spend the money on WDW or some other place and never give it a second thought. And if the bride's family gives you any grief, just mention that you're glad Cousin X let the cat out of the bag before you put down that deposit on the beach house. Meow.

 

[MushyMushy]

It sounds like you have decided that you are not going to this wedding. It is not uncommon for a wedding to not include children. (Personally, I don't like this, but that's the way it is.) If you wanted to go, you'd find a way to make it work. It doesn't sound like you are open to a solution. But please think long and hard about this. You may live to regret not being a part of this celebration.

That's a bit dramatic don't you think?

My own sister wasn't able to make my wedding (and a few important funerals as a matter of fact), and neither one of us have lived to regret it.

 

[mom2boys]

Sorry if this has been suggested but have you considered still taking the trip? You & your kids could hand out at the hotel or see some local sights while your mom & cousin attend the wedding. Then you could still do the beach trip.

I know the point of the trip was the wedding but this is one alternative I would consider. We had an out of town family wedding with "no kids" to attend a couple of years ago. Fortunately a 14 year old cousin was able to stay at the hotel with my boys who were about 9 & 10 at the time. The kids order room service. We made sure an adult was still in the room when it was delivered. They watched movies, played video games & thought they were big stuff. They asked about the wedding & reception & thought it sounded boring. They still talk about staying at the hotel.

 

[danalee]

EMom very well said!

 

[Castlebound]

OP I understand where you are coming from. I have been to very formal weddings that were very expensive to a simple wedding on a farm with a whole roasted pig. At all of the weddings kids were invited. So my kids have been going to weddings almost since birth. So I would never just assume that children were not invited. If I was told, "I can't wait to see all of you at the wedding", I would assume she meant my whole family.

We also only use family members as sitters. By the way my parents also only used family members as sitters so it is what I grew up with. I would never leave my children overnight while I went out of town and my DH was working with someone who was not family. If none of my normal family members were able to watch my kids while I went to an out of town non-kid wedding I would send my regrets and a card. I would feel put out if it was made to seem like kids were invited and I had already purchased clothes and reserved a room only to find out third person that no kids are invited.

 

[daisax]

I'm sure the disconnect is mostly regional, because those of us who grew up with weddings as almost universally "adults only except for the ring bearer/flower girl" occasions don't see that as a huge impediment to out of town/state relatives attending the wedding. We have out of state relatives, too! They bring their own babysitter, leave the kids at home with the inlaws or a close friend... or they send their regrets. 99% of the time, it's one of the few occasions they have been out or away without their kids in quite some time and they're having a blast and enjoying the mini-vacation.

The OP does not want to ask that level of favor (a weekend of babysitting) from non family members in order to attend this wedding, so her decision is clear. But that doesn't mean the decision was made for her.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Would your DH be available to stay with the kids at night so you would only have to find someone to watch them during the day while he is at work? Does your DH have any family who might be available to help out?

We've already been through this. My husband works weird hours plus is on call 24/7. I cannot rely on someone that heavily to care for my children. My DH's parents are here, but they will not watch the kids. This is a whole other can+ of worms I am not getting into. They only sit in extreme dire circumstances, like when my aunt passed away last week and DH and I both attended. And even then there was some himming and hawing. Believe me, I'd have a better chance of asking a neighbor, but there's no chance of that either.

I still think there is some way you could make this work if you really wanted to. It just sounds to me like you have drawn a line in the sand and have said that if the kids are not invited, then I am not going.

I think that is a perfectly acceptable response - if it is too hard to arrange for child care, and the wedding is not the most important thing in the world to you, then send a gift and your regrets.

I don't know why it is so hard for you to comprehend that I can get no one to care for my kids so I can attend an out of town wedding. Cracks me up. As I said before if all of you have an infinite amount of people to watch your children consider yourself lucky because I don't, especially for overnight trips. If the wedding didn't involve my mom, she would watch the kids in a second. She does all the time. DH and I go away without the kids and she'll watch them, but since she's attending there is no one else.

It sounds like you have decided that you are not going to this wedding. It is not uncommon for a wedding to not include children. (Personally, I don't like this, but that's the way it is.) If you wanted to go, you'd find a way to make it work. It doesn't sound like you are open to a solution. But please think long and hard about this. You may live to regret not being a part of this celebration.

There is no solution. I don't know why so many on here think that there is. I didn't come on here looking for suggestions on a way to go. Never remember asking those words. I knew my situation and I knew going to the wedding wasn't going to happen. I came here to vent that I wish I would have known sooner about the no kids policy and I wouldn't have made hotel reservations and bought a dress, plain and simple.

When my kids were younger, I would not have left them overnight with a teen, either. I don't think I would leave them overnight with a teen now - at 8 & 9.

Last time I had a teen babysit she locked herself and the kids out of the house and the fire department had to be called to let them back in.

But with 5 months notice I would be able to find a trusted adult to watch my kids overnight - a friend, neighbor or family member, maybe in conjunction with DH if he was working.

THERE IS NO ONE!!! I would never impose on a neighbor or friend to watch my kids while I go play. An emergency is different, yea then I could call on them, but not for an out of town wedding. Plus my daughter is way to young, IMOP to leave for someone else to care for. Why must I keep repeating this. Gees Good for you as I said before if you have as you call them trusted adults other than family to care for your kids. I don't.

I think this may be especially true because there was a domino effect.....One that likely was predictable given the family dynamics. If the OP can't go, then the cousin who was going to ride along with her can't go. If the OP and that cousin don't go, the OP's mom doesn't want to go by herself. So really, this small branch of the family will no longer attend the wedding since children can't come and the OP has no childcare options. (And BTW, she's not alone. I'd be up a creek too.) Sometimes DHs can get time off work, sometimes they are on call 24/7, sometimes a few hundred dollars is money you cannot afford to lose if things go awry, etc. That's life for a lot of Americans.

It's the bride's choice as to whether kids can attend. I think the OP is mostly upset that the wedding was hyped at every single contact (fairly frequent) with a "We can't wait to see you at the wedding!" and the entire time, no one (especially the bride) took the effort to let her know kids weren't welcome. The bride STILL hasn't, as it turns out.....Some cousin happened to mention it to someone else who told the OP. That's a stroke of good luck, since the OP now has a chance to get out of any deposits, etc. and not lose any money.

But the bride KNOWS she's coming from out of town, that hotels cost money, that they're going to the beach afterward, and that isn't free......So if there's a good chance the OP can't come due to childcare issues (and she indicated the bride would be aware of this) then a simple heads up about "no kids" would be polite so that the OP could have time to cancel reservations, or as she said, not put down a NONREFUNDABLE beach house deposit of a few hundred bucks. What I got from her posts was more that she's bugged that no one told her (she heard it through the grapevine, thank goodness) that kids weren't invited so that she could make/cancel plans accordingly even though the bride and her immediate family KNOW she has no childcare options. This, for a wedding that has been jazzed on for months.

I'd decline, feel fine about it, spend the money on WDW or some other place and never give it a second thought. And if the bride's family gives you any grief, just mention that you're glad Cousin X let the cat out of the bag before you put down that deposit on the beach house. Meow.

Thank you

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm sure the disconnect is mostly regional, because those of us who grew up with weddings as almost universally "adults only except for the ring bearer/flower girl" occasions don't see that as a huge impediment to out of town/state relatives attending the wedding. We have out of state relatives, too! They bring their own babysitter, leave the kids at home with the inlaws or a close friend... or they send their regrets. 99% of the time, it's one of the few occasions they have been out or away without their kids in quite some time and they're having a blast and enjoying the mini-vacation..

I don't think the bride was hiding the fact that children weren't invited - why would she? Since she's probably not used to seeing kids at weddings, it wouldn't even occur to her to mention it was just for adults. I've been invited to many weddings since having kids, and not once has someone mentioned that kids won't be invited before the invitations even go out.

 

[danalee]

Op I get ya, I dont leave my kid with anyone but family memebers plain and simple! I love my neighbors(well most of them) but to ask them to keep my kid for the weekend while I go to another state for a wedding...not a chance! and leave him in a hotel room with either a cusion/friends/relitives baby sitter ahh no not happening! geez

As I said before, I would be annoyed for the same reason you were, she could have said something to you many times before! it has nothing to do with if you do or do not have child care she could have mentioned it, because I am willing to bet she figured you were planning to come and bring your children.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am very sorry to have offended you, OP, by making suggestions about how you could possibly find a way to attend this wedding. Your posts on this thread are filled with eye rolls, sarcasm, yelling and head shaking, which suggests to me that you are not only unable, but unwilling to figure out a way to make it work.

 

[eliza61]

Whether she should or shouldn't have told you directly really isn't the issue now. You know, MANY months in advance, that children are not invited and that there are no exceptions. You have time to make other arrangements - bring a babysitter to stay with your kids in the room, change your plans and leave them at home with their dad while you go JUST for the wedding and reception, forgetting about the beach vacation, find or two relatives who really don't want to go to the wedding (or aren't relatives of the bride/groom) but would enjoy the beach part of the trip and bring them to watch the kids while you adults are at the wedding... or, you're right, just don't go.

ITA
I'm a pretty basic gal, especially over stuff I can control. My thoughts.
1) Every one has the right to their dream wedding.
2) Some one elses dream wedding should not cause me excessive stress

If there is no one to watch the kids, then you have to miss the wedding. Unfortunate? yes, worth staying upset over? No. You are not expected to do any thing. Simply decline.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Op I get ya, I dont leave my kid with anyone but family memebers plain and simple! I love my neighbors(well most of them) but to ask them to keep my kid for the weekend while I go to another state for a wedding...not a chance! and leave him in a hotel room with either a cusion/friends/relitives baby sitter ahh no not happening! geez

As I said before, I would be annoyed for the same reason you were, she could have said something to you many times before! it has nothing to do with if you do or do not have child care she could have mentioned it, because I am willing to bet she figured you were planning to come and bring your children.

Thx!

I am very sorry to have offended you, OP, by making suggestions about how you could possibly find a way to attend this wedding. Your posts on this thread are filled with eye rolls, sarcasm, yelling and head shaking, which suggests to me that you are not only unable, but unwilling to figure out a way to make it work.

I never once asked for suggestions to make it work. NEVER! I knew what my options were. But for 15 pages I have people criticizing me, tell me I'm lying and one even suggested I didn't have the money to find childcare for my kids and if I wanted to I really could.

It gets annoying and I'm sure you would be too. If post after post the same suggestions were made and even though I said its not an option, I got in response well if you really wanted to go, you would find a way (not just from you)

Sometimes there isn't a way, why can't people realize that. I have a very reliable sitter, my mom. Who will actually be here in 1/2 hour so I can go to my daughters school conference. She is here at a drop of a hat, but since she would be at the wedding there is no one. I would never dream of imposing on a neighbor like that. They have their own family, activities and jobs to deal with. I am close to a few of them but never to impose so I can go away for a weekend.

The thing is I never asked for suggestions on how to go. What is right for a complete stranger on a Disney message board may not work for my family. You don't know me nor do I know you.(general you) I came here just to say, I wish I would have known sooner about the no kids policy , thats it, done. That way I wouldn't have made hotel reservations, bought a dress and told the kids about the wedding and beach vacation. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[Arielx2]

I am very sorry to have offended you, OP, by making suggestions about how you could possibly find a way to attend this wedding. Your posts on this thread are filled with eye rolls, sarcasm, yelling and head shaking, which suggests to me that you are not only unable, but unwilling to figure out a way to make it work.

And I don't get why it's so hard for people to understand that she has said there is no option for her. All of the suggestions don't work for her. I don't think the OP is the problem in the thread.

 

[Jennasis]

Thx!




I never once asked for suggestions to make it work. NEVER! I knew what my options were. But for 15 pages I have people criticizing me, tell me I'm lying and one even suggested I didn't have the money to find childcare for my kids and if I wanted to I really could.

It gets annoying and I'm sure you would be too. If post after post the same suggestions were made and even though I said its not an option, I got in response well if you really wanted to go, you would find a way (not just from you)

Sometimes there isn't a way, why can't people realize that. I have a very reliable sitter, my mom. Who will actually be here in 1/2 hour so I can go to my daughters school conference. She is here at a drop of a hat, but since she would be at the wedding there is no one. I would never dream of imposing on a neighbor like that. They have their own family, activities and jobs to deal with. I am close to a few of them but never to impose so I can go away for a weekend.

The thing is I never asked for suggestions on how to go. What is right for a complete stranger on a Disney message board may not work for my family. You don't know me nor do I know you.(general you) I came here just to say, I wish I would have known sooner about the no kids policy , thats it, done. That way I wouldn't have made hotel reservations, bought a dress and told the kids about the wedding and beach vacation. Nothing more, nothing less.

Ummm..yeah you did. READ your thread title. Actually uses the word "how". People were simply giving you suggestion as to "HOW" you could accomplish what you asked in the title.

 

[okeydokey]

I think it may be best at this point to let this thread die a natural death. The OP will RSVP no to the wedding and the bride will have to accept that.

 

[maxiesmom]

Have you gotten the actual invitation yet? That's usually where the no kids policy is put, not on the save the date card. I mean, technically, she didn't even have to send out save the date cards.
I'm sorry, but it's her wedding, it's her choice on whether or not she wants kids there. If she hasn't sent out the invitations yet, I don't see what the big deal is. It's like if my friend sent me a save the date card, I invited a guest, but later when I got the invitation it didn't read "plus guest." It was my own assumption that I would be offered to bring a guest that would get me in trouble, not the bride and groom.

That is what I was thinking, that it is kind of rude to presume who you can bring to a wedding, before you get the invitation.

With the cost of weddings nowadays, I hear of more people not inviting children. Face it, most kids don't enjoy weddings, they would rather be somewhere (anywhere!) else. Add to that the cost of having them there, so why not have an adults only wedding?

Op I hope you end up going to the beach anyways and have a great time, even if you don't go to the wedding.

 

[5lilfish]

Ummm..yeah you did. READ your thread title. Actually uses the word "how". People were simply giving you suggestion as to "HOW" you could accomplish what you asked in the title.

No. The title doesn't say HOW CAN we go? It says how can we be EXPECTED to go? She wasn't asking for suggestions on how to make it work. She was venting about the expectation (how can they expect this to work for me) for her to be able to go w/o kids when there is no way that she can.

Jess