How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[mhsjax]

Well that is offensive.

No it is because we value family and that includes our children.

don't be offended, they obviously have never had a really good BBQ and just for the record, here is the south, a very well known and very wealthy physician's daughter got married not too long ago, and guess what, she had a bbq for her reception in her grandparents back yard, and instead of cake they served Krispy Kreme doughnuts and these people had more money than God.

 

[Bluestars]

The OP said the bride-to-be expressed surprise that some may not come to her wedding because of child care issues. What did she think people would do with their kids if they had to drive several hours to attend her wedding and the whole family would be at the event so unable to babysit? It's her right to not include kids but she should not be surprised if that prevents people from attending. Maybe she could arrange for some kind of reliable sitter to keep the kids there on site so the parents could be close by to check in.

That's what we did at my wedding. The kids got to play in a large room at the same place as the reception. We made sandwiches and snacks ahead of time. They had games to play and lots of things to do. We hired several teenage girls to watch the kids. The kids had a blast and the parents enjoyed the wedding and reception without worrying about their kids.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Only reason why she told my mom and the other cousin at the funeral about the no kid policy was because my mom said I planned to come and the other cousin was telling her about the beach trip.

Well, to be honest, it sounds like she expected/planned/is concerned with only the part about you (or who is) attending her wedding. She probably had NO idea you intended to combine her wedding with a beach vacation with your kids, so it's not unreasonable that the subject of children did not come up at all until your mom or cousin mentioned your intention to combine the wedding and the beach.

I would have thought since for over a year now, after every sentence or included in every email, Can't wait to see you at the wedding. A little tidbit like no kids, would have been nice.

On the other hand, "Can't wait to see you and the kids at the wedding" would have been a better indication that kids wouldbe invited.

If my family is at the wedding and DH is working what am I supposed to do with my kids?

Well, you could consider using what is apparently a GROUP babysitting service about which your cousin has ome information. Maybe it's sort of like a day care but for special events - so there are multiple caretakers and children from more than just your family all in the same safe location. Why not look into it further before saying "no"?

DH works all kinds of hours and takes call. What if he gets called out at 3am? Don't think someone would be very happy to get out of bed to watch my kids. Plus there is no one. We use my mom, not sitters.

Is there a reason you can't/won't start using sitters now, five months in advance, as a trial? You don't even have to leave your kids alone with whomever you hire - what about a mother's helper-type person, maybe a high school student, on weekends? You stay home, she stays at your house and takes care of your kids while you go about your business, you are right there if there is any problem, you can observe how she behaves and how she and your kids interact... and then, if things are working out well when the invitation comes, bring her with you to take care of your kids while you attend the wedding.

The irritation is the people in this thread who just don't get it. Why keep suggesting the same thing over and over and I have to keep explaining why this isn't possible.

But that's got to be at least partly because you keep saying "that's not possible", instead of considering some of the sincere suggestions offered.

The first thing I'd do is send a quick and friendly email to your cousin who is getting married to confirm that it's a no kids wedding. You're going by third party info right now and for all you know, your kids might be the exception to the rule.

I'm betting no. Can you imagine the furor THAT would cause? This person's kids can come because they want to spend a few days at the beach after the wedding, but nobody else's kids are invited?

Honestly, it is too bad the OP, her cousin, and her mother won't attend - but those are decisions they are making, well in advance, based on information they have well in advance. If the bride and groom don't want any children at their wedding, well, it's their wedding.

I don't understand why wedding have become such "affairs" - when I throw a party I think of my guests first and myself last. Shouldn't a wedding be similar?

A wedding can consist of four people - bride, groom, and the required two witnesses, and still be an "affair". It is the special day for the bride and groom - if they want no children at the wedding, that is their right.

Well if bride and groom eventually have kids, no fear, they will be hitting you up for baby shower gifts. because it will be their kid.

Well, they won't - because (unlike having a wedding with no guests under a certain age) having your own anything-shower IS a breach of etiquette. But there's a very simple response to any such invitation: "Thank you for asking, but I cannot".

OP-- could you still plan on attending the wedding-- but ONLY slip in at the last second to the ceremony- with the kids in tow, sit on the very back pew and slip out if the kids become unruly-- and then not attend the reception but just go on to the beach instead?

Well, yeah. As long as the ceremony is in some public place, like a church or a park, technically anybody can attend - invited or not. So, sure, if the OP wants to see her cousin's daughter get married and share that experience with her children, nobody is going to ban them from the church. Then, yes, you're right - they can all head right to the beach instead of the reception!

What have I said that was nasty? Except the hoity toity wedding part? Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.

It's got nothing to do with hoity-toity, or sub-par. You pay the going/average rate. You think $150 a plate is bad? Try planning a Disney wedding!

Finally, I do think the bride was a little rude not to make it clear early on that children would not be included - especially for out of town guests and guests with children. I understand the OP's frustration.

You're not wrong - but figure, a probably childless bride to be, planning her wedding, is likely NOT thinking about what arrangements her invited guests with children usually have when they want/need to go out without the kids, or what arrangements those guests might need to make to attend her wedding without those children.

The OP said the bride-to-be expressed surprise that some may not come to her wedding because of child care issues. What did she think people would do with their kids if they had to drive several hours to attend her wedding and the whole family would be at the event so unable to babysit?

Like a number of posters here, she's probably surprised that some parents have no non-family babysitters available.

 

[MushyMushy]

Like a number of posters here, she's probably surprised that some parents have no non-family babysitters available.

Really? Do that many people have non-family babysitters who will keep the kids for overnights? In essence, that's what the op would need in this case.

For as many options as I would have, that's certainly not one of them. I wouldn't impose on any non-family member to keep my kids while I went out of town!

 

[PatsGirl]

Really? Do that many people have non-family babysitters who will keep the kids for overnights? In essence, that's what the op would need in this case.

For as many options as I would have, that's certainly not one of them. I wouldn't impose on any non-family member to keep my kids while I went out of town!

I am one of those people that is somewhat surprised My family lives close by but to be honest they are not the ones I most often ask to do overnights. DS is older now but it was the same with him. I might ask my Mom or Dad to babysit for a few hours here and there but not much because they are older and I don't feel like I should put them out. I usually ask them if there's extra involved like a ride to school in the morning or my DD isn't feeling well, that sort of thing. But... for an overnight just so I can go out and enjoy myself I have a few friends that I "trade" with. We take each others' kids on vacations and we keep them for weekends and we take them just to give each other a break I also have girl scout co-leaders that I spend alot of time with that I'd ask if necessary (and offer to reciprocate of course).

I certainly don't feel like I'm imposing, I call it friendship At one time, there was circle of friends when DS was a baby/child but then I went and had another child in mid-life and that circle no longer exists -- but a few of those same friends and new friends now were not paying attention during mid-life either so we "trade"

I don't know if I'm lucky or if I put some effort into making sure that my life had people in it that could help me and I could help them in return (that sounds funny but..) ~~ I think it is more that I form friendships with those that I have something in common and children and the necessary childcare that comes with that, are definately one of the common denominators.

 

[Stacerita]

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Because I - as well as my DD & her DH - have never received a wedding invitation where children were included.. Very, very common around here.. DGD has been to several family weddings, but she was actually "in" the wedding each time..

That makes sense. Thank you for responding.

 

[C.Ann]

That makes sense. Thank you for responding.

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You're welcome.. I was actually surprised to read here on the DIS that this tends to be a "regional" thing.. I've never been invited to a wedding in the south or the west, so I didn't know that children are often invited..

That's what I love about the DIS.. I'm always learning new things here!!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Well, to be honest, it sounds like she expected/planned/is concerned with only the part about you (or who is) attending her wedding. She probably had NO idea you intended to combine her wedding with a beach vacation with your kids, so it's not unreasonable that the subject of children did not come up at all until your mom or cousin mentioned your intention to combine the wedding and the beach.

The beach vacation is irrelevent. This was an afterthought after we already planned to attend the wedding.

On the other hand, "Can't wait to see you and the kids at the wedding" would have been a better indication that kids wouldbe invited.

It was always can't wait to see you guys or hope you all can make it. No real indication of whether it was just DH and me or the kids also.

Well, you could consider using what is apparently a GROUP babysitting service about which your cousin has ome information. Maybe it's sort of like a day care but for special events - so there are multiple caretakers and children from more than just your family all in the same safe location. Why not look into it further before saying "no"? Is there a reason you can't/won't start using sitters now, five months in advance, as a trial? You don't even have to leave your kids alone with whomever you hire - what about a mother's helper-type person, maybe a high school student, on weekends? You stay home, she stays at your house and takes care of your kids while you go about your business, you are right there if there is any problem, you can observe how she behaves and how she and your kids interact... and then, if things are working out well when the invitation comes, bring her with you to take care of your kids while you attend the wedding. But that's got to be at least partly because you keep saying "that's not possible", instead of considering some of the sincere suggestions offered.

Not sure what kind of disposible income you have , but sorry I don't have enough disposible income to hire someone to watch my kids while I'm here. Thats a laugh to me. Thats why I stay home. Its like sending your kids to daycare and not working.
And the same for taking someone with me or paying someone to watch my kids while I'm at the wedding. DH and I aren't in the wealthy category and would never justify an expense that you have suggested. Must be nice for you that you have so much extra money that that could be an option for you, but unless we are getting a huge check in the near future I don't know about, your suggestions aren't happening.

I'm betting no. Can you imagine the furor THAT would cause? This person's kids can come because they want to spend a few days at the beach after the wedding, but nobody else's kids are invited?



Honestly, it is too bad the OP, her cousin, and her mother won't attend - but those are decisions they are making, well in advance, based on information they have well in advance. If the bride and groom don't want any children at their wedding, well, it's their wedding.


And as I have stated in many posts including the original, yes it is, she can do as she wishes. We just won't be there to share it with her.




You're not wrong - but figure, a probably childless bride to be, planning her wedding, is likely NOT thinking about what arrangements her invited guests with children usually have when they want/need to go out without the kids, or what arrangements those guests might need to make to attend her wedding without those children.

Like a number of posters here, she's probably surprised that some parents have no non-family babysitters available.

I'm not going out without my kids. Hello! I'm going to an out of town wedding. Sorry I don't have pre-arranged childcare arrangements in every city just in case. If it was a local wedding, yes we would have someone for the night. For a weekend no sorry don't.

Do you have kids? Because alot of your suggestions are just way out there.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm not going out without my kids. Hello! I'm going to an out of town wedding. Sorry I don't have pre-arranged childcare arrangements in every city just in case. If it was a local wedding, yes we would have someone for the night. For a weekend no sorry don't.

Do you have kids? Because alot of your suggestions are just way out there.

I completely agree with you.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm not mad about the wedding but me and the kids were looking forward to the side trip to the beach. Plus I know weddings are expensive, but when she first brought up the wedding well over a year ago and sent out save the date things. She should have told us then about the no kids.

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Where was the money coming from for the side trip to the beach? I'm confused..

Have you tried calling the bride herself - rather than "hearing through the grapevine" - to see if she would make an exception for your kids since you're coming from out of town?

 

[JoiseyMom]

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Where was the money coming from for the side trip to the beach? I'm confused..

Where I would allocate money for a vacation with my family. I would not put said money towards a baby sitter (stranger person) taking care of my kids.

Have you tried calling the bride herself - rather than "hearing through the grapevine" - to see if she would make an exception for your kids since you're coming from out of town?

She did say previously that she had confirmed with the bride that no kids were invited.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I don't think anyone is expected to attend. You're invited. If you can't go, you can't go. Send your regrets and that's that.

I've often provided overnight baby-sitting. I'll be doing it this Friday. Big whup. A friend once asked me if I'd take her daughter for a week so she could attend a destination wedding and I happily agreed. I can't be the only one who would do this for a friend.

 

[C.Ann]

She did say previously that she had confirmed with the bride that no kids were invited.

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Okay - thanks! The thread has gotten far too long, so I haven't read all of it..

I guess the side trip to the beach must have been free - because she did say there was an issue of not having money to pay for a reliable sitter a relative might be able to vouch for in the area where the wedding is to be held - so I guess her only choice is to decline the invitation..

 

[Mouse House Mama]

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Okay - thanks! The thread has gotten far too long, so I haven't read all of it..

I guess the side trip to the beach must have been free - because she did say there was an issue of not having money to pay for a reliable sitter a relative might be able to vouch for in the area where the wedding is to be held - so I guess her only choice is to decline the invitation..

Money aside I think the issue is that the OP would not leave her children with some stranger even if they came from an agency. I don't blame her. I wouldn't either.

 

[C.Ann]

Money aside I think the issue is that the OP would not leave her children with some stranger even if they came from an agency. I don't blame her. I wouldn't either.

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A stranger - no.. I was thinking more along the lines of someone that one of her family members uses on a regular basis.. From what she has said, most of her family lives in the area where the wedding is being held - not where she lives..

 

[JoiseyMom]

What have I said that was nasty? Except the hoity toity wedding part? Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.

I'm the one who people keep saying I'm bent out of shape and its the brides day. I never have said or even acted I was bent out of shape for the bride not inviting children. I was bent out of shape because she was well aware of the plans we already made to attend her wedding and it never occured to her to mention the kids wouldn't be invited.

I never said she couldn't invite who she wants, never ever did those words come out of my mouth. People turned my words around to make it seem that way, but isn't that par here.

Plus I wasn't moaning and whining, though one poster thinks so. Sorry it was nasty plain and simple.

I have to say...150.00 a plate is a lot. That is really a very high end wedding...I think they are including everything in that plate charge. But my cousin's dd wedding. that we did not attend...was probably a 6 figure wedding. And I am sure my cousin paid cash. He has one child and has an excellent job making very good money.

I know when I go to Bar Mitzvah's of friends kids I usually give a 180.00 gift. I knew the cost of my bff;s wedding 14 years ago, and I made sure I covered the cost of the "plate". It was something I could afford though. When I left my ex and had my bff's wedding (a different bff) whe knew I didn't have a pot to pee in, and I gave her I think a check for $36, which is double chai. She didn't want to take the check from me!! I was supposed to be her matron of honor..but I honestly couldn't justify the cost of the dress and shoes. I could have borrowed it from my parents..but I couldn't do it..and she totally understood.

Now as of Saturday night, I am in the process of planning a wedding in NJ. My DS proposed. I have no idea what type of wedding and details..but it's gonna be hugh. Where my list of family and freinds was 30 ...yup...not lots of family left. Her side has so much family. And since our family's background and theirs is different..I have no idea what type of wedding they do...if they do rehersal dinners (we don't) and what other things they want to do or what not. It is going to be a learning experience.

I do know this...kids are invited!! LOL...well at least mine are!! Seriously though...FDIL loves kids and would never exclude them for her and DS's day.

 

[DisneyKT]

Money aside I think the issue is that the OP would not leave her children with some stranger even if they came from an agency. I don't blame her. I wouldn't either.

ITA I would not leave my children with people from a agency. Maybe that's strange to some people. But I just don't do that. We really have no family to watch the kids either. So I totally understand where the OP is coming from. I would just send my regrets and call it a day.

 

[portocall]

Generally, the rule is that out of town guests can bring well behaved children because it is unreasonable to expect that the guest would know someone in the area who they would trust enough to leave them with. My family has always been considerate and arranged a babysitter at the hotel or reception hall. (those with children who utilize the service generally pay for it, since there are so many, usually $10 per kid) I understand that goes above and beyond.

For in town weddings, if I am close to the person, I will bring my children to the church to watch the wedding and go home. We skip the reception, since that is usually where the no kids policy goes into affect. I don't like to leave my children with babysitters, and family is always invited to the same wedding so I end up the default babysitter which is fine with me. It is my opinion (and mine alone, I get that) that the weddings don't matter a bit, and have gotten WAY out of hand, its the marriage that matters. My cousin had a $150 a person wedding, and was dissapointed that my family of 5 didn't attend (kids invited to that one).. we didn't go because it was timed wrong with the school year and our attendance policy but upon hearing the cost, I was kinda glad we skipped the 15 hour drive and save them the expense.

I understand that you are upset, not about the policy, but how you found out the info... my guess is they didn't want to tell you because they didn't want to deal with guilt.

 

[photobob]

I can't imagine you would really be expected to go to a wedding six hours away with out taking your children. I photograph many weddings in the south and I don't recall one where children were not allowed. Most who have babysitters available probably don't bring children but there are definitely children at every wedding I shoot.

 

[justhat]

I think having someone to watch your kids in an emergency is very different than for an out of town wedding. There are plenty of people I would be able to call to pick my kids up from school, drop them off at ridiculous hours, or keep them overnight. But I would only do that in the event of an emergency. All of those friends have kids of their own, so I don't think it's fair to dump my 2 on them for the weekend just so I can have fun. It's one thing if my husband gets sick or something, and another if I want to go to a wedding.