How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[cheermom1]

That is what I was thinking, that it is kind of rude to presume who you can bring to a wedding, before you get the invitation.

With the cost of weddings nowadays, I hear of more people not inviting children. Face it, most kids don't enjoy weddings, they would rather be somewhere (anywhere!) else. Add to that the cost of having them there, so why not have an adults only wedding?

Op I hope you end up going to the beach anyways and have a great time, even if you don't go to the wedding.

this was not the issue. the issue was that the bride told the op's mom that there would be no kids invited and the mom even asked for clarification and she said NO kids period! the op already knows there is no kids. shesh? the other is that the bride didn't tell her that their would be no kids she didn't want to tell her see? plus the bride KNEW she had already made plans and resies to be their but didn't bother to tell her that there would be no kids once she found out she had already made plans (which is why she told the op's mom) but she told her several months later then she should have since the bride knew about the no kids (and you can't tell me the bride didn;t know please it is her wedding!) and if the bride is that close to the op the bride should have told her sooner!!! of course that is my opinion. the bride should not expect people with kids to attend if she is going to have no kids that should be a given.

op is the bride upset that you are not going to the wedding? if she is then she is rude. if not then alls well that ends well.

 

[mickeyboat]

No. The title doesn't say HOW CAN we go? It says how can we be EXPECTED to go? She wasn't asking for suggestions on how to make it work. She was venting about the expectation (how can they expect this to work for me) for her to be able to go w/o kids when there is no way that she can.

Jess

First, threads don't always end up being the same thing the OP intended them to be - discussions often veer off their original courses. There is no right as an OP to expect that responses will be limited to the exact subject matter of the original post.

Second - the answers the OP received explain EXACTLY how the bride expected her to be able to go to the wedding - that she should be able to find some way to work it out. Many people, myself included, find it hard to understand how the OP has absolutely no way to make it work. She doesn't so she isn't going.

I hope some of the responses on this thread gives the OP a head's up that other people, including the bride and other family members who are not privy to the details of her child care options, might not understand either.

 

[5lilfish]

First, threads don't always end up being the same thing the OP intended them to be - discussions often veer off their original courses. There is no right as an OP to expect that responses will be limited to the exact subject matter of the original post.

Second - the answers the OP received explain EXACTLY how the bride expected her to be able to go to the wedding - that she should be able to find some way to work it out. Many people, myself included, find it hard to understand how the OP has absolutely no way to make it work. She doesn't so she isn't going.

I hope some of the responses on this thread gives the OP a head's up that other people, including the bride and other family members who are not privy to the details of her child care options, might not understand either.

As for the first part...I understand and agree that threads aren't always what we intend them to be. I was just responding to the claim that the OP asked for suggestions on HOW she could go. She did not ask for that. Obviously, she got those suggestions and there's not much she can do to control that.

I am with the OP on the second part. I'd have no way to attend an out-of-town wedding without my kids either. I can certainly understand how that could be a problem for some people. If you have options that you are comfortable with, then that is wonderful. I don't and, most importantly in this thread, the OP does not. I would RSVP with a No. Yes, I know it is that simple, but I don't think the OP is out-of-line to vent a little bit about the circumstances and how they came about. Sometimes it's nice to vent a little.

Jess

 

[malibuconlee]

Aren't most weddings no kids? Perhaps she just didn't get around to telling you? Did the save the date you got have "x Family" or Mr. and Mrs? That would be a clue about no kids.

So you can't go. No big deal. Did you have kids at your wedding?

Plus do you have inlaws that might be able to babysit? How old are your kids? If dh isn't going can't he take over?

And if all that is too much work just check the little Can not attend box on the invitation.

I've never been to a no kid wedding. Also where I'm from originally we just don't spend the kind of money on weddings they do elsewhere. People in general just can't afford it. You can buy a house in my hometown for less than what a lot of people spend on their weddings.

 

[Lindsay22]

I am a bride having a destination wedding (at Disney).

We limited children to our first cousins only. My aunts and uncles may bring their kids. Our Save the Dates were sent out to "The Jones Family" if the whole family was invited or just "Mr. and Mrs. Jones" if the kids were not invited. I understand that people can't come if their kids aren't invited. I'm okay with that. At Disney, kids meals come to $25 per child. We would still have to pay the $13 "Illuminations Viewing Fee" even if the child is an infant. We'd still have to pay the $12.50 cake fee and the $2.30 cake handling fee. Right there it is over $50 per child. You have to draw the line somewhere.

OP, I'm sorry that you can't make it out to the wedding, but I'm SURE that your cousin understands. Not all brides are bridezillas.

 

[mjkacmom]

the other is that the bride didn't tell her that their would be no kids she didn't want to tell her see? plus the bride KNEW she had already made plans and resies to be their but didn't bother to tell her that there would be no kids once she found out she had already made plans (which is why she told the op's mom) but she told her several months later then she should have since the bride knew about the no kids (and you can't tell me the bride didn;t know please it is her wedding!) and if the bride is that close to the op the bride should have told her sooner!!! of course that is my opinion. the bride should not expect people with kids to attend if she is going to have no kids that should be a given.

op is the bride upset that you are not going to the wedding? if she is then she is rude. if not then alls well that ends well.

Why in the world would the bride try to hide the fact that no kids are invited? And here in NJ, people with kids attend adult-only weddings all of the time - it's certainly not a given that they won't. And I don't think the OP ever implied that the bride was upset they couldn't make it.

 

[EthansMom]

I can understand why some people have "no children invited" weddings... really, I get it. But, like the OP, I wouldn't travel several hours away to attend a wedding if my children weren't included in the invitation.

In the case of the OP, I would call the the family members and say, "I heard that no children are being invited and I was wondering if that's the case?" If they said "Yes", then I would say, "Oh, what a pity, I'm not sure if we'll be able to attend without the children." Then send regrets when an actual invitation arrives in the mail.

 

[Scurvy]

this was not the issue. the issue was that the bride told the op's mom that there would be no kids invited and the mom even asked for clarification and she said NO kids period! the op already knows there is no kids. shesh? the other is that the bride didn't tell her that their would be no kids she didn't want to tell her see? plus the bride KNEW she had already made plans and resies to be their but didn't bother to tell her that there would be no kids once she found out she had already made plans (which is why she told the op's mom) but she told her several months later then she should have since the bride knew about the no kids (and you can't tell me the bride didn;t know please it is her wedding!) and if the bride is that close to the op the bride should have told her sooner!!! of course that is my opinion. the bride should not expect people with kids to attend if she is going to have no kids that should be a given.

op is the bride upset that you are not going to the wedding? if she is then she is rude. if not then alls well that ends well.

The bride did nothing wrong. It was nice of her to send a "Save the date" email when she did - she didn't have to. Many people find out that they are invited to a wedding when they receive the invitation and not before. It would have been better if the bride had been more careful of her wording in the email, by saying "Hi roliepolieoliefan, I wanted to let you know that my wedding will be on DATE at LOCATATION. Invitations will go out in a couple of months but since you don't live here in town I wanted to give you extra time to work out the arrangements. I really hope you and Mr. roliepolieoliefan will be able to attend!" That would have made it obvious that only the adults were invited. She wasn't under any obligation to do that, however. It probably never occurred to the bride that anyone would assume kids would be invited to her wedding.

The OP shouldn't have assumed that the kids were invited, but she did. Which is also understandable, especially if she is used to kids being included in wedding invitations. Now that she knows that they are not invited, she can change her plans accordingly.

Why shouldn't the bride expect parents to attend the wedding if kids are not invited? Most parents do things without their kids. That's what babysitters are for! Just because the OP can not or will not make other arrangements does not mean that all parents refuse to leave their kids at home or in the hotel room while they go to a wedding. And as has been mentioned, in many areas it is the norm to have adult-only weddings. In the months between now and the wedding, most people could find options for childcare if it was important enough to them. And if it isn't important enough . . . well, it's an invitation, not a command performance. The easy answer is to RSVP "No" and be done with it. Now if the bride gets mad about that, she is unreasonable. The bride has no right to be unhappy with the OP, and the OP has no right to be angry with the bride. I don't think there's any reason to assume the bride is unhappy with the OP in this case, though.

 

[5lilfish]

Why shouldn't the bride expect parents to attend the wedding if kids are not invited? Most parents do things without their kids. That's what babysitters are for! .

If it were a local wedding, I would agree with you. Believe me, I'd just assume NOT bring my kids to a wedding. It's much more fun for me to have a night out without kids...BUT, I would have no way of attending an out-of-town wedding without bringing my kids.

I don't think the bride is wrong to not invite the kids. I do think that it might a leap to assume that an out-of town guest could travel without their kids. There's nothing wrong with coming without the kids if you do have child care and are comfortable leaving them home while you travel, but I wouldn't go as far as to assume that everyone has that option (or is comfortable with it).

Jess

 

[slo]

roliepolieoliefan (I've always loved your name, by the way ) I am totally on your side!!! If I couldn't find/have anyone to watch my kids, I wouldn't want to go either I don't think your cousin was being rude by not mentioning "no kids" because she probably just didn't think of it, and I'm sure she'll understand why you didn't attend.

 

[Scurvy]

If it were a local wedding, I would agree with you. Believe me, I'd just assume NOT bring my kids to a wedding. It's much more fun for me to have a night out without kids...BUT, I would have no way of attending an out-of-town wedding without bringing my kids.

I don't think the bride is wrong to not invite the kids. I do think that it might a leap to assume that an out-of town guest could travel without their kids. There's nothing wrong with coming without the kids if you do have child care and are comfortable leaving them home while you travel, but I wouldn't go as far as to assume that everyone has that option (or is comfortable with it).

Jess

I actually wouldn't be attending an out of town wedding without my son if my family couldn't keep him, but lots of people would. There are plenty of options for childcare that people could use if they wanted to, even if many of us wouldn't choose to. I don't think it's a leap for the bride to assume that people could find care for their kids if they really wanted to -especially given several months to plan - but it would be a huge leap for the bride to assume that everyone would be willing to use those options.
The OP (or you, or I) could hire a sitter, or ask friends to watch the kids, or ask a relative for a recommendation of a sitter to use in the hotel room. Just because the OP chooses not to make use of those options (and I wouldn't, either, so I am not criticizing her) doesn't mean they wouldn't be reasonable choices for someone else.

There's a big difference between not having the options and not feeling comfortable with the options available to you. I think most of us do have options, or could if given enough time to make plans or to research sitters. Unless there is simply no money for sitters, or the kids involved are special needs and you need special training to watch them, there are options available. The bride can't be expected to assume that parents would not be comfortable with any of the options. Which doesn't mean that the parents who don't feel comfortable utilizing those options are wrong, but I don't think parents like that are the norm, either.

 

[bumbershoot]

...and instead of cake they served Krispy Kreme doughnuts and these people had more money than God.

They were just following the trend from wedding magazines and planning sites. Donut "cake" has been a HUGE trend for a couple years now. Yawn, trend followers.



OP did you confirm with the actual bride yet? I read backwards to my reply to you, and someone mentioned that you'd confirmed with her directly, but I didn't see that post.


Now I wanna to go a wedding again!

 

[bumbershoot]

Something else I thought of last night...if the email save the date was sent ages ago, things might have changed from then to now. It's possible that kids were going to be included, but then they started getting specifics and bills started adding up and the realized they just coudln't include the kids.


I think it is a bit sad she's not including kids, since I think that a post of yours mentioned that you had invited her, as a child, to your wedding.

But then I haven't been to any weddings of "removed" cousins; not even sure I've been to a cousin's wedding (though I was invited to one)! Big family, just not *close*.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think the way the bride did it was wrong. To me it sounds like she didn't have the nerve to tell the OP herself so she chose to tell people who she new would convey the message. That would annoy me too. She should have been upfront about it.

 

[cheermom1]

The bride did nothing wrong. It was nice of her to send a "Save the date" email when she did - she didn't have to. Many people find out that they are invited to a wedding when they receive the invitation and not before. It would have been better if the bride had been more careful of her wording in the email, by saying "Hi roliepolieoliefan, I wanted to let you know that my wedding will be on DATE at LOCATATION. Invitations will go out in a couple of months but since you don't live here in town I wanted to give you extra time to work out the arrangements. I really hope you and Mr. roliepolieoliefan will be able to attend!" That would have made it obvious that only the adults were invited. She wasn't under any obligation to do that, however. It probably never occurred to the bride that anyone would assume kids would be invited to her wedding.

The OP shouldn't have assumed that the kids were invited, but she did. Which is also understandable, especially if she is used to kids being included in wedding invitations. Now that she knows that they are not invited, she can change her plans accordingly.

Why shouldn't the bride expect parents to attend the wedding if kids are not invited? Most parents do things without their kids. That's what babysitters are for! Just because the OP can not or will not make other arrangements does not mean that all parents refuse to leave their kids at home or in the hotel room while they go to a wedding. And as has been mentioned, in many areas it is the norm to have adult-only weddings. In the months between now and the wedding, most people could find options for childcare if it was important enough to them. And if it isn't important enough . . . well, it's an invitation, not a command performance. The easy answer is to RSVP "No" and be done with it. Now if the bride gets mad about that, she is unreasonable. The bride has no right to be unhappy with the OP, and the OP has no right to be angry with the bride. I don't think there's any reason to assume the bride is unhappy with the OP in this case, though.

i never said the bride did anything wrong expect the fact that she should have thought of people with children and at least let them know b4 they made ressies and plans. the op said they are close then the bride would have known that the op would have sitter issues. and I never said that the bride was unhappy that she wasn't going to be there. i said IF she was upset that she wasn't going then that would be rude on the bride's part.

when I got married and anyone in my family have always considered families with children which should have been taught when manners was taught!

I guess I don;t understand why everyone is so down on the op! what about the bride? yes she have considered family especially close family that was going to come form out of state and let them know as soon as possible instead of going through someone else b/c she was too embarrassed to come to the op herself. of course this is my opinion.

 

[mjkacmom]

I guess I don;t understand why everyone is so down on the op! what about the bride? yes she have considered family especially close family that was going to come form out of state and let them know as soon as possible instead of going through someone else b/c she was too embarrassed to come to the op herself. of course this is my opinion.

The wedding is like 5 months away, almost 1/2 a year! The OP wrongfully thought her kids were invited, maybe not knowing how NJ weddings usually are. I have to say, the OP was very organized in booking the hotel this far out, but she didn't lose any money having to cancel. Even if she had known years ago her kids weren't going, she still wouldn't have been able to attend. Why would the bride be embarrassed that she's not inviting children? When sometime mentions they're getting married, and tells me the date, I don't assume my kids are invited (because they've never been invited)

 

[eliza61]

No. The title doesn't say HOW CAN we go? It says how can we be EXPECTED to go? She wasn't asking for suggestions on how to make it work. She was venting about the expectation (how can they expect this to work for me) for her to be able to go w/o kids when there is no way that she can.

Jess

Jess,
Generally how it works on a Public forum, when you post, whether you ask specifically for an answer or you vent you are allowing people with different perspectives and views to comment on your post.

People responded to the vent because it sound like it was a question ( I took it that way). I don't think it is realistic (IMO) to post on a public forum and not expect people to respond.

If you want a place where every one agrees with you, a public forum is not the place to play.

 

[Mom2Nick]

this was not the issue. the issue was that the bride told the op's mom that there would be no kids invited and the mom even asked for clarification and she said NO kids period! the op already knows there is no kids. shesh? the other is that the bride didn't tell her that their would be no kids she didn't want to tell her see? plus the bride KNEW she had already made plans and resies to be their but didn't bother to tell her that there would be no kids once she found out she had already made plans (which is why she told the op's mom) but she told her several months later then she should have since the bride knew about the no kids (and you can't tell me the bride didn;t know please it is her wedding!) and if the bride is that close to the op the bride should have told her sooner!!! of course that is my opinion. the bride should not expect people with kids to attend if she is going to have no kids that should be a given.

op is the bride upset that you are not going to the wedding? if she is then she is rude. if not then alls well that ends well.

No kids is pretty much the way things are done here for the most part. I have yet to see any kind of an invitation or save the date type card that specifically says no kids because we all assume no kids unless we're told otherwise.

 

[5lilfish]

Jess,
Generally how it works on a Public forum, when you post, whether you ask specifically for an answer or you vent you are allowing people with different perspectives and views to comment on your post.

People responded to the vent because it sound like it was a question ( I took it that way). I don't think it is realistic (IMO) to post on a public forum and not expect people to respond.

If you want a place where every one agrees with you, a public forum is not the place to play.

I know...lol. I actually already replied to a post that said almost exactly what you said. I was simply responding to the person that said that she did ask for suggestions on how she could go (based on her title). She did not.....but, as you said, that's what happens when you post on a message board.

Jess

 

[maxiesmom]

In the case of the OP, I would call the the family members and say, "I heard that no children are being invited and I was wondering if that's the case?" If they said "Yes", then I would say, "Oh, what a pity, I'm not sure if we'll be able to attend without the children." Then send regrets when an actual invitation arrives in the mail.

That would be the best way to handle things, call and see what is really what, instead of just stewing about it.