Hold me back (DBIL's DW vent)

[dzorn]

Really? I don't word it that formally! More like, "DS is on X school team which does really great but has travel expenses. We're going to be doing X fundraisers. If you want to contribute but don't want more "stuff", a cash donation would be great." They live far enough away that they can't come to any of the meal fundraisers, carwashes, local things, etc, etc that we do as a group to fundraise. And, like I said, I've never turned ANY kid down (and definitely not a family member).

If you're lucky enough not to need to fundraise for your student's activities, be glad. It's gotten to the point in my area that there would be NO extracurricular activities if it wasn't for fundraisers (and volunteers, of which we've done plenty of over the years, as well). And all of the $$ we raise in the group fundraising ventures is split among all the students participating. (Sorry if I sound like I'm venting, but it's hard on these kids who work so hard to get to the national level....)

Terri

We don't do very many fundraisers and not for sports. If DD participated then we pay for it not ask others to do so.

Denise in MI

 

[LisaR]

I think this is overly harsh and I'm very glad to say that we MUST be reading different books!

My DS has been involved in many, MANY activities over his life. We've had fundraisers for day care (yes.... freakin DAY CARE/PRESCHOOL!); regular school; karate; and cub scouts/boy scouts all at the same flippin time. I've learned over the years to dramatically pare down what fundraisers were broadcast over our family network. Most now just wind up right in the trash as soon as they're brought home.

HOWEVER, that being said, there are certain fundraisers that people (family, friends & co-workers) look forward to every year. I've actually been "yelled" at because I didn't let someone know DS was selling x or y. In turn, I also look forward to certain fundraisers that I like to buy from.

So, like OP and others have said, put it out there without pressure or expectations that DS/DD is selling x or y or z. Maybe I'll buy something this time around, maybe I won't but let me know it's available and let ME make that decision for myself.

I'm sorry you found it overly harsh. Obviously we have very different opinions on this.

When my kids were in preschool, we had fundraisers ALL THE TIME! I never once involved my friends, relatives, or DH's co-workers in them. I wrote a check to the school for a few extra bucks and called it a day. I was not going to peddle pizza, candles, garbage cans, baseball tickets, cookie dough, candy, or any other kind of overpriced junk to people so my kids school could put in a new playground or take the school on a field trip.

My kids were homeschooled from that point forward (not because of the fundraising nonsense but that was a plus ) but the fundraising still continues. Over the years, we were suppose to sell crap for drama, swim, dance, choir, tae kwon do, gymnastics, etc. Nope! Not happening. I'll give some extra money for a group fundraiser and if it is something for my kids specifically, I'll fund it myself. If I can't, they don't participate.

 

[EMom]

About 5 years ago, the PTO held a vote on whether or not to stop school fundraising. We were given a choice to just send in checks and be done with it. Really, for $50 worth of sales a kid might net $10-20 (or less) in money for the given organization. The bulk of the parents preferred to send in a straight check for that amount (or more) and NEVER have kids come to our door again.

It was a huge success. More money was raised than ever before and I don't have 30 neighbor kids hitting me up to buy candles, gift wrap, candy, miscellaneous useless stuff, etc. I happily send a check every year.

People who move here are usually very relieved to hear we send in checks and avoid the endless, "Would you like to buy XYZ?"

 

[yoopermom]

I'm really starting to think that this is some kind of regional difference or something, honestly, which is fine.

My parents and in laws have the little local weekly paper from up here sent to them so they can keep up on DS's doings, and one thing I do hear from them is how much is mentioned in there about fundraisers, benefits, etc. Honestly, we could eat out twice a week, have our car washed weekly, never have to bake again, dance at least once a month, etc, etc, etc, if we wanted to. We pick and choose, but don't judge the people or groups that are doing these fundraisers. Times are tough still, but everyone wants the best for their kids. In the future, we'll either pay for our own child and/or only do local things, since that's how it's done here.

I honestly and truly do not want to offend, and so will not ask family, in case they feel as y'all do. Thank you ALL for sharing!

Terri

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I guess it's hard to explain from my point of view. I get that things sometimes require fundraisers. I just think that if my same relative emailed me a few times a year to support (fund) their child's activities I would find it annoying. I would guess that by now they are well aware of what your child does and would approach YOU and ask if you are selling something etc. Sure she shouldn't have been so snippy but I am not going to lie- I probably would have had similar thoughts if this is a constant request. As for her selling 31 and bombarding you with emails about it I can bet that she is probably trying to send you a message. It's annoying no matter who is selling. I think that soliciting friends and family puts them in an awkward situation. They may not want to buy but feel obligated. JMHO.

 

[sunsprinkle24]

No, it wouldn't have been. I would suggest that the next time she sends you a 31 email, you reply and tell her that you don't "do" 31 and are tired of her spamming you with her solicitations.

Haven't read all the replies, but I agree with telling her you don't do whatever shes trying to push on you. Normally I would never be rude, but she asked for it.

 

[RadioFanatic]

As my son just turned four, I'm starting in the foray of fundraisers - which I hate. It's started with his little league - I was told it was $50- when it came time to pay though, it was $80 and then I get 6 $5 raffle tix I get to sell - lucky me. So in my mind, it was $80 and I'll just keep the tix- I'm not going to subject anyone else to them - but why couldn't they just have told me that for budgeting purposes? And with school fast approaching, I know it's going to be worse - but I refuse to make others pay for my son's stuff. My parents were like that - which really upset me as a kid, but I now understand.

My sister on the other hand is a PITA about her kids' fundraisers - frequent FB posts - I mean several a day, reminding people to buy and even one was a fundraiser for a sick kid (yes, I feel bad but I didn't know this person and I have my own things to donate for) and she tried making us all feel guilty for not donating - I finally told her to quit posting so much and it was just ticking people off. I stopped buying stuff bc it was getting ridiculous - I feel a little bad bc I obviously love my niece and nephew, but I don't plan on ever asking her either. I was especially mad bc the ONE fundraiser I ever did was for my FIL for a lung transplant (which all of my donation money was going to - and sis knew at time she was asking for her donations)- literally life and death - and she donated nothing. and honestly, I am okay with that - except for the fact she always has her hand out for donations.

 

[yoopermom]

Mouse House Mamma, I really do appreciate your point of view, promise . I think that when I wrote the OP I was *trying* to say that if I can just roll my eyes and delete her (dozens of) 31 requests, why can't she just do the same with my (2) fundraising requests? It's not like we pin her down at a family party and badger her until she buys something , I don't beg on facebook, or or or....

But I've learned from y'all, and will knock off the family fund raising, and will pay for things ourselves, where possible.

Thanks again!

Terri

 

[goofy!]

Really? I don't word it that formally! More like, "DS is on X school team which does really great but has travel expenses. We're going to be doing X fundraisers. If you want to contribute but don't want more "stuff", a cash donation would be great." They live far enough away that they can't come to any of the meal fundraisers, carwashes, local things, etc, etc that we do as a group to fundraise. And, like I said, I've never turned ANY kid down (and definitely not a family member).

If you're lucky enough not to need to fundraise for your student's activities, be glad. It's gotten to the point in my area that there would be NO extracurricular activities if it wasn't for fundraisers (and volunteers, of which we've done plenty of over the years, as well). And all of the $$ we raise in the group fundraising ventures is split among all the students participating. (Sorry if I sound like I'm venting, but it's hard on these kids who work so hard to get to the national level....)

Terri

While I agree that your SIL's response was a bit curt, I also agree with her that your son should have picked up the phone and called to ask. You should not be the soliciting. It is not an excuse that he does not have all the e-mail addresses. You are soliciting for your son and I think that adds to the annoyance of being hit up 2-3 times a year to help fund your child's extra curricular activities.

It is his activity, he should be doing the work to help fund it. I would be supremely annoyed if my SIL would constantly e-mail me for money for her child's activities. It wouldn't matter that he would deliver the products or say thank you himself. I would be much more inclined to donate if the child himself called and said "Hi Aunt Goofy, my team is going to Disney for the National Championships and we are selling chocolate Easter Eggs to help fund it. Would you like to buy one?" A little work by the child receiving the money goes a long way.

Have you looked into corporate sponsorships? My kids participate on travel club teams and we fundraise by asking for corporate donations. Every little $300 donation from a bank adds up and you never have to bother your relatives. We fundraised over $23,000 just for this year doing it this way.

 

[padams]

Mouse House Mamma, I really do appreciate your point of view, promise . I think that when I wrote the OP I was *trying* to say that if I can just roll my eyes and delete her (dozens of) 31 requests, why can't she just do the same with my (2) fundraising requests? It's not like we pin her down at a family party and badger her until she buys something , I don't beg on facebook, or or or....

But I've learned from y'all, and will knock off the family fund raising, and will pay for things ourselves, where possible.

Thanks again!

Terri

Ditto what Goofy! posted above me.

I think your son should send emails to the family and close friends when he has fundraisers, and let them decide if they want to buy/donate. Don't ask for the sale, just make the opportunity known. I have only sons so when a couple of the girls in my neighborhood call me about girl scout cookies each year, I always buy from them. Any friends or relatives who sell you stuff are fair game for your son to email. Rather than cutting off "solicitations" to everyone, pick and choose which fundraisers your son wants to promote, and who your son solicits. And if he ever sells Sally Foster gift wrap, send me a PM and I'll use your son's school code. My DSs graduated from the SF sale in their elementary school.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't like fundraisers, for the most part, but there are a few things I do like to buy. I appreciate it when friends or family members let me know what they are selling so I can order some if I want to. It would bug me if they suggested I send a contribution instead of buying something, though. I prefer a simple "By the way, the band is selling college football tumblers/wrapping paper/discount cards/cookie dough/etc again this year, they are $10 each, if you would like any please let me know by March 20" instead of some guilt trip about why they need the money and how I can just donate if I don't want the tumbler. I'm smart - I can figure out that I could donate if I want to, and being told that just seems like begging to me.

I would just provide a raincoat and/or umbrella to my child. In fact I have. I would be terribly angry if ,limited budgets were being spent on such a silly thing. I truly have never heard of this (and IO went to schools which required going outside between classes and so do my kids).

Several schools I've been involved with have covered walkways between the main building and smaller outer "pods" that house the classrooms. There are hundreds of students traveling between the main building and those pods between classes and they only have 5 minutes to move from class to class. If everyone had to take time to put on raincoats or open/close umbrellas (blocking the doorways while doing so), they'd never get to class on time. Plus, no teacher wants a slippery classroom floor from all those dripping coats and umbrellas. I think covered walkways are a great use of funds in a situation like that.

 

[goofy!]

I would prefer that the team then works together on the type of fundraiser where people come to them for a service or product (car wash, ushering at a sporting event, bake sale, etc) and/or that the total cost of activities go up a bit with the extra going into a scholarship fund that people could apply for. I contribute to a scholarship fund for GS camp every year. I have the option to check a box and list an amount I am willing to pay over my DD's fees so that another child can attend and I am happy to do so if asked--much happier than buying junk.

There are so many options out there rather than direct sales. Almost every fast food place will sponsor a night for a organization. For the group pool, we have had nights at Chick-Fillet, Old Chicago and California Pizza kitchen on a monthly basis. They have each brought in around $200-$300.

For individual accounts, our organization has also set up booth opportunities with the major league sports in the area. You are guaranteed $50.00 in your child's account for each game you work a concession booth.

Our most popular fundraiser is from a large car dealer. Several times a year they host a huge used car sale in the parking lot of the major league football stadium. They need to get all the cars from the lots to the stadium for the sale. You are paid $15.00 per car you drive to the stadium. Then you take the shuttle back and get another car. All of this goes into your child's account.

We can also pay extra into a scholarship account for those who might be struggling a bit.

OP - I would suggest that if your fundraising needs are so high that you put together a fundraising team to explore all the opportunities out there.

 

[AndreaDM]

Have you looked into corporate sponsorships? My kids participate on travel club teams and we fundraise by asking for corporate donations. Every little $300 donation from a bank adds up and you never have to bother your relatives. We fundraised over $23,000 just for this year doing it this way.

Don't think that corporations don't get sick of being asked as well. DH is in charge of that for the company he works for and is constantly bombarded for donation requests. The best one was last year sometime when he donated a $50 gift card and it was returned! The lady in charge of the fundraiser said they were insulted by that size donation. Ok then... This company donates ALL the time, it's unbelievable how many fundraisers and silent auctions there are, everyone has a cause and everyone thinks their's is the most important one. He gets requests from almost every school, church, non-profit and charitable organization you can think of. He's got to pick and choose and unfortunately say no to a lot of requests.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I haven't read thru the thread. But here is how I am seeing it.

I see two different issues here.

First, this is not your immediate family. This is your husband's brother's wife, right? I would not be so presumptuous to forward things to people like this unless I knew 100% that they would be receptive. Really... Advice number one... who cares! Don't forward these things to her... Let It Go... In no way, ever, would I confront a member of my husband's extended family over this or anything else.... I really do not see the huge issue that you are having to vent about.

Second. I am with those who have seen ENOUGH of the fundraiser hassle. Seriously... more than ONE hit by a kid/family per year would be pushing it. A person could easily see themselves being hit up once every few weeks if every extended family member, friend, coworker, etc.. wanted to assume and to, therefore, make one feel 'obligated' to participate. My attitude, if she is motivated... hey, that's great... if not... well... so what...

While the email sent by this SIL came of as a little harsh...
Really... Just get the message, and move on.

PS: Again, about her sales... Here is a hint... There is a thing called a delete button on your screen... "Press DELETE, move on...."

 

[Pigeon]

I don't let my kids do fundraisers, either. We write a honking big check to the PTA on back to school night and we are done. The fundraising fliers go straight into the trash.

My SIL used to try to hit me up for fundraisers for her child's private school all the time. I graduated from this private school and will not support the school or the organization it is affiliated with. It was very awkward, but I just kept telling her we weren't interested, but still the requests came.

I would have no problem at all telling the woman that I wasn't interested in whatever she was selling, so please take me off the distribution list.

 

[goofy!]

Don't think that corporations don't get sick of being asked as well. DH is in charge of that for the company he works for and is constantly bombarded for donation requests. The best one was last year sometime when he donated a $50 gift card and it was returned! The lady in charge of the fundraiser said they were insulted by that size donation. Ok then... This company donates ALL the time, it's unbelievable how many fundraisers and silent auctions there are, everyone has a cause and everyone thinks their's is the most important one. He gets requests from almost every school, church, non-profit and charitable organization you can think of. He's got to pick and choose and unfortunately say no to a lot of requests.

First of all, returning a gift card because it is not enough is awful! How greedy of that person.

I think everybody realizes that businesses have to pick and choose what fundraisers they are going to support.

But a corporation is not as emotionally involved with a group as a relative might be, so usually (at least with those I work with) there are no hard feelings if a business says that they already sponsor xyz.

Asking relatives to donate all the time is playing on guilt, which does get old some of the time, especially if it is the child's parent just sending out the quarterly e-mail asking for money and not the child working for his money.

I am just glad our school district decided not to do door to door sales anymore. Although sports teams do still participate in some direct sales like wreaths and the HS football team has the best fundraiser that we all line up for: a booklet of half-price coupons (not entertainment book size) for local nicer restaurants and 2 for 1 lift tickets to the popular ski resorts. (and we have never asked our relatives to buy one of these booklets).

 

[NotUrsula]

Slightly OT, but I don't let my kids participate in 3d party commercial sales fundraisers, either. I have several reasons why. For starters, we are told that it is no longer safe for children to go door to door, so we are advised that parents should do the orders at work, etc. No. My employer doesn't allow these kinds of solicitations, and even if they did, the children are supposed to be raising the money; I don't think that they learn anything if we do the hard part for them. On top of all that, these companies are in business to make a profit on the backs of children, and I prefer not to give a for-profit business a cut of the fruits of my children's labor, especially if they are luring the kids into it with the promise of some reward that will cost them almost nothing to provide, but requires a very high sales performance to achieve.

I can and do support labor-related fundraisers where kids provide a service and are paid for it.

In the event of a required sales fundraiser, here is my alternative. I find out what the minimum sales requirement is, then I ask what percentage of that goes to the organization. I calculate the value and double it, and then I write a check for that amount. I have NEVER had an organization argue with that contribution. My kid gets extra chores around the house at a value of $5/hr to pay me back for 50% of what I give.

 

[badblackpug]

I'm really starting to think that this is some kind of regional difference or something, honestly, which is fine.

My parents and in laws have the little local weekly paper from up here sent to them so they can keep up on DS's doings, and one thing I do hear from them is how much is mentioned in there about fundraisers, benefits, etc. Honestly, we could eat out twice a week, have our car washed weekly, never have to bake again, dance at least once a month, etc, etc, etc, if we wanted to. We pick and choose, but don't judge the people or groups that are doing these fundraisers. Times are tough still, but everyone wants the best for their kids. In the future, we'll either pay for our own child and/or only do local things, since that's how it's done here.

I honestly and truly do not want to offend, and so will not ask family, in case they feel as y'all do. Thank you ALL for sharing!

Terri

I'm not sure it's a regional thing, there is plenty of fundraising here, too. I think that you have yourself in a vicious cycle. As in: "Ask Yoopermom to buy stuff, I bought stuff from her kid." ...and you, in turn, ask people to buy from your kids because you bought from theirs.

As for "not doing" fundraisers... I don't "do" the fundraisers where people sell stuff from catalogs, like candles, cookie dough, wrapping paper, cheesecakes, etc, for whatever their kids are doing this season. I will visit concession stands at games, my kids go to school dances, we go to car washes, or buy chicken dinners, etc. Things that offer services or things I can use at a reasonable price.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am in the category of not hitting up anyone to pay for my kids activities if I can help it, esp. family.

Not if my dd HAD to do a fundraiser, she would solicite the neighborhood.

Now I would have no issue with ignoring OP's emails and if I had a SIL soliciting me for her "business" I would tell her to stop it or unsubscribe.

Recently we had DH's cousin who soliticted us for her "home type" business and to contribute money to her dd's mission trip to "wherever".

Now of course we ignored it. However a few months later we get a thank you for contributing to her dd's mission trip.

So did they forget we sent the nothing or was it a dig for not sending something?

 

[AndreaDM]

First of all, returning a gift card because it is not enough is awful! How greedy of that person.

I think everybody realizes that businesses have to pick and choose what fundraisers they are going to support.

But a corporation is not as emotionally involved with a group as a relative might be, so usually (at least with those I work with) there are no hard feelings if a business says that they already sponsor xyz.

Asking relatives to donate all the time is playing on guilt, which does get old some of the time, especially if it is the child's parent just sending out the quarterly e-mail asking for money and not the child working for his money.

I am just glad our school district decided not to do door to door sales anymore. Although sports teams do still participate in some direct sales like wreaths and the HS football team has the best fundraiser that we all line up for: a booklet of half-price coupons (not entertainment book size) for local nicer restaurants and 2 for 1 lift tickets to the popular ski resorts. (and we have never asked our relatives to buy one of these booklets).

O, I agree, there's no harm in asking as long as you don't take it personally when a business can't participate.