Hold me back (DBIL's DW vent)

[dakcp2001]

No, it wouldn't have been. I would suggest that the next time she sends you a 31 email, you reply and tell her that you don't "do" 31 and are tired of her spamming you with her solicitations.

This.

And let it all out. She has it coming. Most people just say "no thank you".

 

[disykat]

I agree on many points. SIL sounds irritated and should have phrased it better, but it sounds like she has no need for Easter candy. I also agree with her that the email should have come from your child.

That said, like many others here I have NEVER let my children hit up family for fundraisers. Even for families that do that, I'm guessing 2 or 3 times is overkill.

I agree you should let her know you are not interested in her 31 products.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with the majority here, and am happy to see you plan to stop hitting everyone else up and to pay for your own child if you are indeed serious about that (and it is fine not to buy from others as part of that--think how much better off we would all be if we did not all buy from each other's kids and saved that money for our own kids' activities. We'd probably have at least as much, if not more CASH to pay for the activities and the only losers would be the companies which set up these fundraisers).

I will also add that if your child is old enough to have an email account, anyone he does not contact for things OTHER than the fundraiser (ie--anyone whose email address he does not already have for other reasons) is not someone he knows well enough to ask for help funding his activities in any way. I can understand a very young child not having email and typing the email himself, with an introduction of "this is Johnny, I am using Mom's email because I do not have my own" but you as the adult simply asking is adding to the rudeness and making this not about your child at all, just a way for you to save money on his things.

I think ONCE a year, with a personal appeal from the child and a clear indication that no is FINE is the acceptable limit for asking people to buy things. On top of that, I think the kids themselves doing service type stuff (meals, car washes, etc) with advertising is acceptable as much as they want to do it. That is just my opinion, but I will stick with it

This is one thing we have noticed in Germany and like. Our kids have NEVER brought home something to sell here, either from school or activities. They DO work at stands at local festivals, or at open houses, etc to raise funds for their schools and their activities though. They might run a mocktail bar, make and sell waffles, etc--but they do not go out and ask people to by. Customers come to them and they (the kids) do the work

 

[bumbershoot]

Really? I don't word it that formally! More like, "DS is on X school team which does really great but has travel expenses. We're going to be doing X fundraisers. If you want to contribute but don't want more "stuff", a cash donation would be great." They live far enough away that they can't come to any of the meal fundraisers, carwashes, local things, etc, etc that we do as a group to fundraise. And, like I said, I've never turned ANY kid down (and definitely not a family member).

If you're lucky enough not to need to fundraise for your student's activities, be glad. It's gotten to the point in my area that there would be NO extracurricular activities if it wasn't for fundraisers (and volunteers, of which we've done plenty of over the years, as well). And all of the $$ we raise in the group fundraising ventures is split among all the students participating. (Sorry if I sound like I'm venting, but it's hard on these kids who work so hard to get to the national level....)

Terri

The first bit I bolded, if I got that from a relative, would make me think you were asking me for his travel expenses.

And if I decided to give, and then later found out that it's being pooled, I would have a BIG problem with it.

I mean, that's just a fundamental flaw in the whole thing, IMO. Asking relatives to sponsor their relative is one thing. So doing an "a-thon" is one thing. But asking relatives to sponsor a whole pack of kids to do something, that's a different thing to me.


If the ONLY reason you've been buying from other kids is to sort of balance things out in the financial world...then OK, quit buying. Maybe if everyone just put the money they are spending on other kids' fundraising and put it towards their own kids, funds woudnl't have to be pooled.

But if you occasionally like what you buy, don't stop just to be spiteful. In our old building we got solicited, and since I won't just randomly support things that I don't think about, I looked through their catalog very carefully. Ended up buying a flip chart for emergencies, and although the magnets fell off of it, it turned out to be very helpful in knowing when to call 911 with a burn. I'm glad I bought it, and glad I didn't have a blanket policy to not buy.

Same with GS cookies. If I want them, I buy them. If I'm not into cookies at that time, I don't.



Lastly, is it possible she is being bombarded by such emails/requests, and has just had enough? That it wasn't YOU, but just everyone? it's easy enough to say "couldn't she have just said 'no thank you'" when you don't know what her email inbox is like. Maybe she simply couldn't. I went through a period when every other message in my Inbox was idiotic forwards from relatives that I *thought* were sane. Most got deleted without a word. Every so often I would send a Snopes info email back to the person that forwarded it. But once or twice I blasted the very next person who sent me something, because I just couldn't take it anymore; the evidence that my relatives had no reading comprehension just built up like the pressure behind a volcano, and once or twice something got the explosion.

maybe it's a situation like that. Sort of like what sounds like your reaction is starting to be, to the 31 emails....

 

[yoopermom]

The first bit I bolded, if I got that from a relative, would make me think you were asking me for his travel expenses.

And if I decided to give, and then later found out that it's being pooled, I would have a BIG problem with it.

I mean, that's just a fundamental flaw in the whole thing, IMO. Asking relatives to sponsor their relative is one thing. So doing an "a-thon" is one thing. But asking relatives to sponsor a whole pack of kids to do something, that's a different thing to me.

Sorry if I wasn't clear on that. Individual items that we sell (candy, wreathes, etc), the profit from goes directly into that child's account. Group events (spaghetti dinners, car washes, athons, etc), the $$ gets split among all the kids who work it. Clear as mud ?

And, yes, I do appreciate and value the DIS's opinion, because many of you live in areas that are similar to where our relatives live. Things are very different here, and I tend to forget what it was like when I lived elsewhere.

So thank you, sincerely!

Terri

 

[luvsJack]

I find it funny that almost everyone is saying they don't "do" fundraisers but yet those type of sales are some of the most successful fundraisers for any group. That is why so many do them. So, somebody is buying the stuff.

We do lots of dinners (hamburger plate for $6.00 or chicken plates for $10 usually), dances, working concession stands at the colleges, and a beauty pageant.

We did one catalog sale like the OP is describing, an Avon sale and candy bar sales.

Of all of this, candy bars did the best and the catalog sale was second. We thought the Avon sale would be great as people buy Avon all the time, its something useful, the prices aren't jacked up and it was Christmas time when Avon sells the best. It failed horribly.

THAT is why schools, clubs and organizations keep doing the catalog sales. It requires no upfront money, plus it doesn't take the kid's time away from the activity. We just finished our competition season, there is no way we could have had a car wash or dinner sale during the season but yet we still had to continue raising money to fund the group.

In all reality, if you don't want the neighborhood kids hitting you up to buy candles, cookie dough or wrapping paper--support the car washes, bake sales and dinner sales. When those things start making a better profit, then the sales will dwindle away.

ETA: If your child's school, organization or activity doesn't have to do fund raisers--you are lucky. Our kids wouldn't even have covered walkways at school if it wasn't for a huge amount of cookie dough and wrapping paper being sold. Same thing for our computer lab.

 

[dallastxcpa]

A lot of the ideas of paying for your own child sound great. And maybe the original poster could pay for her own child, but what about the other children. W

I live in a very economically diverse community. We are one of the have's; big house, vacation every year, etc. there are also many single parents in our community that are on government assistance. I will always participate in the fundraising because, even though I can afford it for my kid, it is for the group as a whole. Children who are involved in team sports, band, choir or other activities gain self esteem and confidence. I would much rather my money pay for this then my tax dollars paying for the kid to be a part of the juvenile probation program.

 

[luvmy3]

OP, judging by what you say in your posts here, I don't think anything the SIL (sorry, your BIL's DW) said would have been Okay with you, unless of course she was placing an order or just sending some cash.

 

[NHdisneylover]

ETA: If your child's school, organization or activity doesn't have to do fund raisers--you are lucky. Our kids wouldn't even have covered walkways at school if it wasn't for a huge amount of cookie dough and wrapping paper being sold. Same thing for our computer lab.

Maybe part of the problem is what we see as a "need" or even important. I can't see any reason at all that kids need a covered walkway at a school

A lot of the ideas of paying for your own child sound great. And maybe the original poster could pay for her own child, but what about the other children. W

I live in a very economically diverse community. We are one of the have's; big house, vacation every year, etc. there are also many single parents in our community that are on government assistance. I will always participate in the fundraising because, even though I can afford it for my kid, it is for the group as a whole. Children who are involved in team sports, band, choir or other activities gain self esteem and confidence. I would much rather my money pay for this then my tax dollars paying for the kid to be a part of the juvenile probation program.

I would prefer that the team then works together on the type of fundraiser where people come to them for a service or product (car wash, ushering at a sporting event, bake sale, etc) and/or that the total cost of activities go up a bit with the extra going into a scholarship fund that people could apply for. I contribute to a scholarship fund for GS camp every year. I have the option to check a box and list an amount I am willing to pay over my DD's fees so that another child can attend and I am happy to do so if asked--much happier than buying junk.

 

[yoopermom]

OP, judging by what you say in your posts here, I don't think anything the SIL (sorry, your BIL's DW) said would have been Okay with you, unless of course she was placing an order or just sending some cash.

No, in this, I promise, you're wrong. Out of the emails sent, no one else responded in this manner except her, most just didn't reply. That was just FINE, they didn't want to order, no skin off my nose, really!

So if she either wouldn't have responded, or just responded with a "no thanks, not this time", I wouldn't have been upset at all. (Just like I don't respond to her 31 emails...)

Terri

 

[luvmy3]

No, in this, I promise, you're wrong. Out of the emails sent, no one else responded in this manner except her, most just didn't reply. That was just FINE, they didn't want to order, no skin off my nose, really!

So if she either wouldn't have responded, or just responded with a "no thanks, not this time", I wouldn't have been upset at all. (Just like I don't respond to her 31 emails...)

Terri

Maybe so, and sure she could have responded differently but it appears you have issues with your SIL that go way beyond this particular email.

 

[luvsJack]

A lot of the ideas of paying for your own child sound great. And maybe the original poster could pay for her own child, but what about the other children. W

I live in a very economically diverse community. We are one of the have's; big house, vacation every year, etc. there are also many single parents in our community that are on government assistance. I will always participate in the fundraising because, even though I can afford it for my kid, it is for the group as a whole. Children who are involved in team sports, band, choir or other activities gain self esteem and confidence. I would much rather my money pay for this then my tax dollars paying for the kid to be a part of the juvenile probation program.

This exactly!! If every activity around here charged an amount for each child that covered every expense, the activities wouldn't exist because there wouldn't be enough participation.

Maybe part of the problem is what we see as a "need" or even important. I can't see any reason at all that kids need a covered walkway at a school




I would prefer that the team then works together on the type of fundraiser where people come to them for a service or product (car wash, ushering at a sporting event, bake sale, etc) and/or that the total cost of activities go up a bit with the extra going into a scholarship fund that people could apply for. I contribute to a scholarship fund for GS camp every year. I have the option to check a box and list an amount I am willing to pay over my DD's fees so that another child can attend and I am happy to do so if asked--much happier than buying junk.

So they don't get soaking wet walking to class in the morning, on the way to lunch and to the cars/buses in the afternoon??

Car washes are great as are anything the kids can do themselves, but when they don't make the same amount of money as a catalog sale, it explains why certain things are done.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This exactly!! If every activity around here charged an amount for each child that covered every expense, the activities wouldn't exist because there wouldn't be enough participation.



So they don't get soaking wet walking to class in the morning, on the way to lunch and to the cars/buses in the afternoon??

Car washes are great as are anything the kids can do themselves, but when they don't make the same amount of money as a catalog sale, it explains why certain things are done.

I would just provide a raincoat and/or umbrella to my child. In fact I have. I would be terribly angry if ,limited budgets were being spent on such a silly thing. I truly have never heard of this (and IO went to schools which required going outside between classes and so do my kids).

 

[TheSchragFamily]

A lot of the ideas of paying for your own child sound great. And maybe the original poster could pay for her own child, but what about the other children. W

I live in a very economically diverse community. We are one of the have's; big house, vacation every year, etc. there are also many single parents in our community that are on government assistance. I will always participate in the fundraising because, even though I can afford it for my kid, it is for the group as a whole. Children who are involved in team sports, band, choir or other activities gain self esteem and confidence. I would much rather my money pay for this then my tax dollars paying for the kid to be a part of the juvenile probation program.

We are in the same situation. In our kids' elementary classes it's split about 50-50 between kids with parents who have graduate degrees and have professional jobs, and those who are on welfare or in jail. On the field trip forms it always states that no child will be denied participation due to non-payment and it ALSO asks for extra donations to "sponsor" another (unnamed) child if you are able to afford it. We always do.

 

[caitlinsmom]

To those of you who made the comments about not letting your child do the activity if your family cannot afford it without fundraising, I take it all of you are financially sound and can afford to write a check to whatever activity you want to do?

One of the best players on DD's softball team is poor. Mom works 3 jobs, dad has a debilitating disease. Both volunteer tons of time to the organization. This kid is good enough that she will likely get a full scholarship to college.

Should she not play the sport (and then likely not be able to go to college) because her parents cannot afford it without fundraising?

We do car washes and comedy nights and catalog fundraisers and we never expect family to donate to all of them but we mention it (or have DD mention it) because it is a big part of her life. If they choose not to donate that's fine, if they do then that is fine also

 

[NHdisneylover]

To those of you who made the comments about not letting your child do the activity if your family cannot afford it without fundraising, I take it all of you are financially sound and can afford to write a check to whatever activity you want to do?

One of the best players on DD's softball team is poor. Mom works 3 jobs, dad has a debilitating disease. Both volunteer tons of time to the organization. This kid is good enough that she will likely get a full scholarship to college.

Should she not play the sport (and then likely not be able to go to college) because her parents cannot afford it without fundraising?

We do car washes and comedy nights and catalog fundraisers and we never expect family to donate to all of them but we mention it (or have DD mention it) because it is a big part of her life. If they choose not to donate that's fine, if they do then that is fine also

Actually, many people suggested scholarship funds and asking at registration that those who can ship in extra for another child or towards this. Also MANY said thins like car washes, etc where the kids provide a service are okay.

That said, when money has been tight (several times) the kids have dropped activities--and they have NEVER been allowed to do all the activities they want to do largely because we simply do not have the money. (DD does Girl Scouts and DS does choir and a creative club at his school--they would love to add horseback riding archery but that is not currently in the budget) and My son would love to attend a camp run by NYU for aspiring filmmakers this summer. We can't afford it. He will not be asking family to help fund this by buying junk.

 

[LisaR]

Sorry if I wasn't clear on that. Individual items that we sell (candy, wreathes, etc), the profit from goes directly into that child's account. Group events (spaghetti dinners, car washes, athons, etc), the $$ gets split among all the kids who work it. Clear as mud ?

And, yes, I do appreciate and value the DIS's opinion, because many of you live in areas that are similar to where our relatives live. Things are very different here, and I tend to forget what it was like when I lived elsewhere.

So thank you, sincerely!

Terri

While I believe a lot of things are regional, tacky is tacky no matter where you live. Hitting relatives up for fundraisers multiple times a year so your child can participate in activities falls into the tacky category in my book no matter the area.

I do think your SIL was rude. A simple "no thank you" or not even responding would have been more than sufficient. However, just because she is rude or tacky (hitting you up for 31 items) doesn't mean you have to respond the same way. Break the cycle. Stop asking her for donations and maybe she will stop asking you.

 

[Andtototoo]

If my SIL hit me up 2-3 times a year for their kid's fund-raisers selling candy/popcorn/candles, I'd be fed up with it. I hate those fund-raisers to begin with and 2-3 times per year? Yikes. I can see eventually having a "moment" and snapping about it. I might feel bad afterwards, but I might also feel glad that she'd stop bugging me about the stinking fund-raisers in the future.

 

[LilyWDW]

To those of you who made the comments about not letting your child do the activity if your family cannot afford it without fundraising, I take it all of you are financially sound and can afford to write a check to whatever activity you want to do?

I was not allowed to do activities if my parents could not afford it. It would have NEVER crossed our minds to ask family, friends, neighbors, or strangers to give us money so that I could do something. That was up to us to figure out. It is not up to the community to pay for someone to play baseball or go on a trip.

Then again, I am someone who thinks that school money should go to education. I think all extra stuff like sports should be paid for by the families who want to do them. I don't believe that athletics is a good way to spend money that can be used elsewhere.

2-3 times a year is ridiculous!

 

[It'sWDW4me]

While I believe a lot of things are regional, tacky is tacky no matter where you live. Hitting relatives up for fundraisers multiple times a year so your child can participate in activities falls into the tacky category in my book no matter the area.

I do think your SIL was rude. A simple "no thank you" or not even responding would have been more than sufficient. However, just because she is rude or tacky (hitting you up for 31 items) doesn't mean you have to respond the same way. Break the cycle. Stop asking her for donations and maybe she will stop asking you.

I think this is overly harsh and I'm very glad to say that we MUST be reading different books!

My DS has been involved in many, MANY activities over his life. We've had fundraisers for day care (yes.... freakin DAY CARE/PRESCHOOL!); regular school; karate; and cub scouts/boy scouts all at the same flippin time. I've learned over the years to dramatically pare down what fundraisers were broadcast over our family network. Most now just wind up right in the trash as soon as they're brought home.

HOWEVER, that being said, there are certain fundraisers that people (family, friends & co-workers) look forward to every year. I've actually been "yelled" at because I didn't let someone know DS was selling x or y. In turn, I also look forward to certain fundraisers that I like to buy from.

So, like OP and others have said, put it out there without pressure or expectations that DS/DD is selling x or y or z. Maybe I'll buy something this time around, maybe I won't but let me know it's available and let ME make that decision for myself.