Hold me back (DBIL's DW vent)

[lillygator]

This woman has been married to my BIL for as long as I've been married to DH, she's known our DS since his birth. She's sort of an odd duck, but, still...

DS does multiple fundraisers, but we try and pick and choose which we hit up the locals for, which we hit up our families for (usually only 2-3/yr), etc. We also ask, don't beg, and he always sends thank yous after the event. Last week I sent out a family email stating what he was selling, that we could bring it for delivery at Easter, and that no one should feel obliged, but that we'd be grateful for any purchases made. (Yes, I sent it, since he doesn't have everyone's email. He hand delivers, and thanks in person.)

Here is DBIL's DW's response...

"I'm not sure what (name of organization) is or why (our DS) isn't doing the soliciting himself but we don't do "Easter" ... I don't know if (DBIL) is interested in ordering candy but he hasn't said anything to me. Not something we're "interested" in!"

What I want to say, but won't is, "1. He's been in this school sponsored organization for the past three years, he's talked about it at family parties, and it's mentioned in our Xmas letter every year, I promise it's legit. 2. He does do the local "soliciting", and would deliver yours in person and thank you then as well. 3. Since all family holidays have to be scheduled around your church services, I find it hard to believe that you don't "do" Easter. 4. Don't worry, I'll never bother you with emails again, I'll send them directly to DBIL (who is the sweetest guy in the world, and very supportive)."

The worst part? She became a 31 consultant last year and BARAGES me with emails about her parties and items for sale, I mean CONSTANTLY!!!!

A simple, "no thanks, we're not interested" wouldn't have been so hard, would it?

Terri

seriously? in the xmas letter?

 

[luvsJack]

I'm confused. Is the cost $2000 per kid or $2000 for the entire year for the entire group? I thought it was $2000 per kid but now you are saying it wouldn't matter if there were 5 kids or 25 kids because the cost is the same.

In reality, it doesn't matter if the cost is $2 or $20,000. It is YOUR kid. YOU decided to allow your child to participate and it is up to you to pay the cost not your coworkers, neighbors or family members.

For the record, my oldest was in choir for years and including Disney performances, the cost was never $2000 per kid, per year. If that is truly the cost for a school choir, I'd be looking at another activity for my kid. But I get that YMMV on that one. I still stand by the fact that you picked an expensive activity so you need to pony up.

I asked earlier about college and you said that wasn't an issue because you already have that saved for. But what if you didn't? Would you expect your neighbors and coworkers to contribute? If I didn't have college saved for my kids and I posted on here that my SIL sent me a rude email because I was hitting her up for college tuition, would you side with me or my SIL? Is there a difference in hitting people up for school activities associated with K -12 and hitting them up for college tuition?

Sorry, I said it confusingly and I may have mixed up the amounts too. There are individual costs and there are group costs.

It would be around $2000 a year for group and individual costs for each kid; for the number of kids we have right now, That amount will go up if we have fewer kids in the program. Regardless of the number of students in the choir, we still have to have music, choreographer, competition fees, etc. While the NEED for it stays the same, the cost per student would increase if we had a smaller number of students.

Individual costs are for costumes, shoes and make-up, anything needed for hair--costumes are $300-500. There is an additional $475 for the competition to Disney. We have done our best to make sure that every choir member and every crew member will be able to go on this trip. The parents are optional but we really wanted everyone to participate in the trip this year.

Group costs are competition fees, transportation costs, choreographer, music, CD's made for the show, backdrops, props, etc.

This is a school activity so the Director is a paid teacher and there are no tuition fees.

Again, individual costs are something that parents can choose to pay for oop or they can choose to particpate in fund raisers that are going for individual costs.

Group costs are something we require all parents/students to help raise funds for. If we didn't do it this way, there would be no choir.

The only way the choir continues to exist is to raise as much of the group costs as we can. And so far, every year there has been a show choir at our school the funds have been raised.

And the pp is right, there are lots of kids that would never be able to participate in anything if it wasn't for fundraising. And if that child has a talent for music and dance--playing basketball isn't going to cut it.

AGAIN: We have only had ONE catalog sale, we don't only do those kinds of things.

All of this has come from me simply saying that catalog sales work. That is why so many organizations continue to do them.

 

[badblackpug]

I think that there needs to be a balance between "if you cannot afford to fund the activity your kid should not participate" and "fundraisers are a part of activities but no one should be coerced to purchase to subsidize said activity"

Kids are involved in activities that one parent may consider frivolous and another feels is necessary for their child. My Mom was one of those parents who saw no value in music, dance or art. I loved her dearly but as a kid I wanted so much to be able to learn dance, take an instrument or perhaps sing. Sports would never have been something I was interested in. When my kids were in school they participated in music. There were fundraising events to help to pay for trips and to assist parents who could not afford to pay the entire cost of the event. My family always tried to buy from them just as i always tried to support their kids when I could. DH and I kicked in whatever we needed to but appreciated that as a community there was widespread support for the arts and spots in general. We pay it back with kids selling stuff each year still.

I cannot speak for any other parent but I would not allow my kids to harass anyone to purchase or attend a fundraising event. Sometimes folks bought sometimes not. I believe that the problem that some of us respond to here is that the OP struck a nerve, we all have been victim to "that parent". You know the one...................candy bars in September, wrapping paper and cards in November, January brings cookie dough and magazines and come April the end of the year field trips events. This parent just will not take "NO" there is no way out. Even down to that little killer at the end................"you can always send money".


We are all entitled to choose activities within our reach for the kids but if the children are involved with groups that use fundraisers to defer the cost of participation, well that is the choice of the group and parent. If the kids (parent) is a PITA in regards to the fundraisers sooner rather than later there will be a response similar to the SIL response, and deservedly so.

Agreed. I think balance is the point. If you do one 3rd party sale a year, maybe. But in my instance I have 4 kids. One each adds up to 4 a year, and I think that is annoying to others. So we just skip a any 3rd party sales. I will do candy bars because they are something I can just set on the table in the break room at work and not have to pressure people about, but I do have the kids participate in service-based things.

I also want to say that it's not that I don't find value in music, the arts, or sports, it's that I don't go all gung-ho about my kids activities. I realize that these things, while they do have value and do teach certain skills, are mostly for recreation. If my child really enjoys something and I can afford for them to participate in it, then I will pay for it, but I am not going into hock so that junior can take whatever lesson because I expect them to be the next superstar.

On an aside... we are an "anti-obesity" district so school sponsored activities are not allowed to sell anything that smacks of junk food. No candy bars, no cheesecakes, no Easter candy, so believe me, the crap the kids peddle truly is crap.