Hold me back (DBIL's DW vent)

[akhenaten]

I know different parts of the country differ, but here there is just tons of fund raising going on ALL the time. For example, this group that DS is fundraising for right now is the national champions (which is unbelievable for a tiny school like ours), but the school pays for NOTHING, so every penny has to fundraised for regional, state, and nationals every year. Honestly, we parents can't afford it, so we fundraise, consistently.

In exchange, I try to buy at least a little something from any child who comes to my door selling something for a good cause.

Everyone has to do what they're comfortable with, of course....

Terri

Lot of fundraising in our area too! However, I have NEVER asked family members for more than one a year TOPS.
I have gotten to the point that now I really don't even ask at all... If my kids are participating, I will pay! And my kids have traveled up and down the east coast for activities...

I suspect there is a really interesting backstory between you... first the email in your OP and then in your next post you rip apart her presents to you... ...obviously you don't like her...

 

[DopeyDame]

To those of you who made the comments about not letting your child do the activity if your family cannot afford it without fundraising, I take it all of you are financially sound and can afford to write a check to whatever activity you want to do?

One of the best players on DD's softball team is poor. Mom works 3 jobs, dad has a debilitating disease. Both volunteer tons of time to the organization. This kid is good enough that she will likely get a full scholarship to college.

Should she not play the sport (and then likely not be able to go to college) because her parents cannot afford it without fundraising?

We do car washes and comedy nights and catalog fundraisers and we never expect family to donate to all of them but we mention it (or have DD mention it) because it is a big part of her life. If they choose not to donate that's fine, if they do then that is fine also

Many, MANY of the posters to whom you are referring said that, instead of hitting up friends to buy crap, they give the equivelant fundraising money (or more) to the school or organization directly. Clearly, that means they are financially able to do that, but it also means that they DO in fact support the girl on your DDs softball team.
I'm in that camp - DS is still little, but Dh and I have already discussed that we will happily write a check to his school/organization but that he will not be baraging friends and family to buy crap.
Likewise, I don't go to "parties" and buy crap that friends try to sell me (31 included.)

As for OP, after enough emails from you about buying stuff for your DS, I'd be really tempted to respond in the same way your SIL did. I like to think that I would have more grace and tact than that, but I'm not positive I'd be able to bit my tongue.

 

[bethy]

I do the same thing as some other posters - I figure out the percentage the org would make off however many sales and I just donate that amount (and get a tax deduction for it

However, for us doing this hasn't always been smooth. First I get many perplexed looks from the organizers. Also I know it can be irritating for them to have to deal with someone like me who seeks to do things differently. It's more work for them to deal with. And finally, my DD never gets 'credit" for the donations like she would have if she had sold x number of units. I have explained to her how it all works but she gets frustrated because to her classmates it looks like she's not participating.

So occasionally I do buy the actual stuff but I just buy it all myself. Like I just bought 6 tubs of cookie dough to stash in my freezer for the kids' friends when they come over.

Our school's biggest money maker by far is straight donations followed closely by a bi-annual fundraising auction event. And even at the auction the biggest money makers are not tangible items that are auctioned off but instead gimmicks that inspire straight donations on the spot.

 

[Nancyg56]

I guess it's hard to explain from my point of view. I get that things sometimes require fundraisers. I just think that if my same relative emailed me a few times a year to support (fund) their child's activities I would find it annoying. I would guess that by now they are well aware of what your child does and would approach YOU and ask if you are selling something etc. Sure she shouldn't have been so snippy but I am not going to lie- I probably would have had similar thoughts if this is a constant request. As for her selling 31 and bombarding you with emails about it I can bet that she is probably trying to send you a message. It's annoying no matter who is selling. I think that soliciting friends and family puts them in an awkward situation. They may not want to buy but feel obligated. JMHO.

I agree. I don't have an issue with fundraisers if I don't feel obligated to buy. My kids had them in school just like their cousins did. We all knew when they were happening and if family or friends wanted to buy that was fine, if not that was okay too.

I believe that the SIL may have been tired of getting hit up, parents sending an email to inform of fundraising activity several times a year is not a hint, it is more of an invoice.

I really found the notes suggesting that money be sent in lieu of a purchase over the top. Most folks are aware that if they choose not to buy something they can make a donation. It is a way out when you say that there is nothing you need. The OP has taken that option out of the picture by giving folks notice that she will accept money.

I think that while the SIL was abrupt she was probably saying what the rest of the family is thinking.

 

[NewCrew42]

I do not let my kids do the door to door fundraisers. I just donate instead.

 

[themilesfamily]

There are an awful lot of groups that have kids out hawking merchandise or asking for money. My DD just started public school this year and in the last seven months we've been expected to either sell or raise money for:

1) PTA
2) Jump Rope for Heart (an activity done at school)
3) Girl Scouts

That's a fundraiser every other month. I'm finding it's difficult to tell the kids they can't participate in these fundraisers because the kids come home with their little envelopes and forms and they've been all pumped up at school to sell, sell, sell. There are rewards like class trophies, subway sandwich parties, yogurt parties, prizes. It becomes such a competitive thing. My little DD is ready to go out and shake down everyone in the entire neighborhood after one of these fundraising rallies!

I liked our old preschool -- their fundraiser consisted of a note home that said, "Write out a check for X-amount of dollars. Put it in an envelope and send it to school with your child." No fuss, no muss.

As for the OP, I think if her SIL didn't want to donate she should have just deleted the email. I believe the OP did say that no one should feel obligated to donate. Why be rude and hurt someone's feelings over it? Just hit the delete button.

 

[Disney Doll]

Ok, y'all win. We're not going to hit up family for any more fundraisers. They all know what activities he's in, and if they want to contribute on their own, they can.

In return, I'm going to save all the $$ I spend on other kids' fundraisers, benefits, sales parties, etc, since I'll need it for my own kid.

And, I'm going to block her 31 emails, just cuz .

I'll let you know at the end of the year how it turns out .

Thanks all!

Terri

As an aunt and a childfree person, I never minded being hit up for fundraisers. But I'm a "moosh" when it comes to kids. I think it's important for them to feel supported. But that's me.

I think your idea of not asking any more is a good one, and if others ask you, your response should be "We decided not to bother family anymore with fundraising, but that means that I also have nothing to give to others who are fundraising or selling since that money is now going to my own child".

 

[mvazul]

As an aunt and a childfree person, I never minded being hit up for fundraisers. But I'm a "moosh" when it comes to kids. I think it's important for them to feel supported. But that's me.

I think your idea of not asking any more is a good one, and if others ask you, your response should be "We decided not to bother family anymore with fundraising, but that means that I also have nothing to give to others who are fundraising or selling since that money is now going to my own child".

Well said!

 

[Disney Doll]

I also think your sister-in-law could have just said "no thanks" and stopped with the editorializing....that was just her being "witchy".

 

[crazymama]

The SIL could have just not responded at all if she wasn't interested it wasn't like the OP was begging or demanding.

As far as the fund raising, its not always about affording what YOUR child does, its about the group as a whole. If we didn't do a huge amount of fund raising, our group could not compete period. We raise money for the group to exist. Since the OP said they do not get money at all from the school, that may be the way it is for them.

 

[want2bamommy]

No, it wouldn't have been. I would suggest that the next time she sends you a 31 email, you reply and tell her that you don't "do" 31 and are tired of her spamming you with her solicitations.

 

[luvsJack]

I would just provide a raincoat and/or umbrella to my child. In fact I have. I would be terribly angry if ,limited budgets were being spent on such a silly thing. I truly have never heard of this (and IO went to schools which required going outside between classes and so do my kids).

Our school is k-8. There are no lockers in the school, so 5-8 carries every book and every other necessary item with them from class to class so an umbrella would have to be another item for them to carry around all day--and whether the thing is up or down it would be hard to carry it with everything else. K-4 have tiny little "cubbies" that old little more than a couple of folders and a hook to hang their jackets on.

All of the schools around here have covered walkways, except the high school but of course then they will have lockers to put umbrellas in if they need to.

We worked several years to raise enough money for the walkways and finally have it so that no child has to walk out in the rain to get to class, lunch or to and from the cars/buses. We don't see it as a silly thing at all. The teachers and parents that come in to help with things are very grateful for the covered walkways too.

The teachers really prefer not having to deal with wet shoes, wet umbrellas, wet rain coats, etc. all over the classroom and then having to mop up water all day--takes too much time and attention away from the matters at hand.

 

[luvsJack]

I can't really get over how many of you keep saying its "tacky" to ask for people to participate/buy in/from fundraisers to pay for a kid to be in an activity.

DD's is in ONE activity. The total cost just for her to do this would be around $1600 - 2000 if we did no fund raising. If the teacher/director told the parents at try out that they would have to pay that amount and there would be no fundraising, there would be no activity. NO ONE would participate. If you want to add a "scholarship fund" on top of that for kids that cannot afford it, you would be up to $200-2500. Most people are not going to be able to just write out a check for that for one school activity. (and that doesn't count a lot of the other minor costs that go along with it)

With the fundraising that has been done 85% of each child's costs are covered. And for that reason we have a good participation in the activity.

OP before you decide not to ever ask anyone in your family again, maybe you should find out how THEY feel about it. I am not so sure that most of your family is going to feel the same way as the posters here do. Just like I know for certain that very few of the parents could just write a check for the costs of many activities--regardless how many here say they do that.

 

[badblackpug]

I can't really get over how many of you keep saying its "tacky" to ask for people to participate/buy in/from fundraisers to pay for a kid to be in an activity.

DD's is in ONE activity. The total cost just for her to do this would be around $1600 - 2000 if we did no fund raising. If the teacher/director told the parents at try out that they would have to pay that amount and there would be no fundraising, there would be no activity. NO ONE would participate. If you want to add a "scholarship fund" on top of that for kids that cannot afford it, you would be up to $200-2500. Most people are not going to be able to just write out a check for that for one school activity. (and that doesn't count a lot of the other minor costs that go along with it)

With the fundraising that has been done 85% of each child's costs are covered. And for that reason we have a good participation in the activity.

OP before you decide not to ever ask anyone in your family again, maybe you should find out how THEY feel about it. I am not so sure that most of your family is going to feel the same way as the posters here do. Just like I know for certain that very few of the parents could just write a check for the costs of many activities--regardless how many here say they do that.

It is tacky to REPEATEDLY ask friend/family for money for your child's activities. It is one thing, one time a year to say, "It's girls scout cookie time." or whatever your fundraiser might be, but to hit people up every couple of months is tacky and annoying and it does put friends and family under certain obligation because even though you may not want or can't afford the junk they are peddling you feel obligated to buy it because of your relationship.
(the same goes for home sales "parties")

...and asking your friends/family how they really feel? I sincerely doubt people with whom you have a good relationship are going to say, "Honesty, Suzy, we ARE tired of constantly being hit up to buy over-priced, small portioned, cheaply made junk, but we have been doing it because we feel bad telling little Johnny no."

...and absolutely no. My children do not participate in activities for which we can't afford to pay. If any of my kids wanted to participate in activity which does not fit in our budget we would simply tell them, "No, it's too expensive."

The only type of fundraisers I will allow the children to participate in are things that offer a needed service for a reasonable price, fundraisers that do not guilt family/friends into buying overpriced 3rd party goods for which they will receive a minimal percentage any way. Things like car washes, concession stands, and school dances.

 

[LisaR]

I can't really get over how many of you keep saying its "tacky" to ask for people to participate/buy in/from fundraisers to pay for a kid to be in an activity.

DD's is in ONE activity. The total cost just for her to do this would be around $1600 - 2000 if we did no fund raising. If the teacher/director told the parents at try out that they would have to pay that amount and there would be no fundraising, there would be no activity. NO ONE would participate. If you want to add a "scholarship fund" on top of that for kids that cannot afford it, you would be up to $200-2500. Most people are not going to be able to just write out a check for that for one school activity. (and that doesn't count a lot of the other minor costs that go along with it)

With the fundraising that has been done 85% of each child's costs are covered. And for that reason we have a good participation in the activity.

OP before you decide not to ever ask anyone in your family again, maybe you should find out how THEY feel about it. I am not so sure that most of your family is going to feel the same way as the posters here do. Just like I know for certain that very few of the parents could just write a check for the costs of many activities--regardless how many here say they do that.

But why would it be your neighbors, coworkers, family, and total strangers responsibility to fund your daughter's activity?

College is going to cost much more than $1600 - $2000 a year. If your DD wants to go and doesn't get enough scholarships or financial aid to pay for it all, would you have fundraisers for that? I'm betting you wouldn't.

 

[luvsJack]

College is funded--but I am not able to pay for her friends' tuition.

But a lot of that expense is for a choreographer, music, CD's made from the chosen songs for their show, transportation costs, and other group expenses. Actually, I forgot the choreographer in the first amount so that would up the cost quiet a bit per kid.

Its not really about whether I can afford it, its about whether there enough people that can afford it and are willing to pay it for the activity to exist. If we did no fundraising, I know of 5 kids we would lose right off the top because they are also cheerleaders and those costs were extremely high for that this year because of some travel. (very small school, we depend on kids being able to do more than one activity. And the cheerleaders did fundraising too) Add to that the ones that simply would not be able to afford it and we would end up with maybe 4 members--just not enough. So instead of saying "write a check for $$$$$, we simply tell the parents what the individual costs are and what the group costs are and that we will do as much fundraising as we can.

Even setting up a "scholarship" for those who can't pay it would not work as it would end up being way too much for the rest of the parents.

I wouldn't have a problem in the world asking someone if they had an issue with the fund raisers. Or at least say "Please don't feel you are obligated to buy anything". I have been selling candy bars since November. The things are sitting on my desk at work. No one "has" to buy anything. They ask what I am selling them for and I tell them and they buy a few. If they didn't want to do it, they could just keep on walking. Its not like I have a list of those that buy and those that don't.

 

[Swan4Me]

Sounds like ur DD is in dance- which ,to me, is extremely frivolous activity.
Nothing like trying to make it to Little League Champs which is the only sort of fundraiser I would go for

My Cousin's son wind ensemble is going to play at Carnegie Hall- trip is cosing a lot, but once again, it is not a necessity - its a vanity thing for the parents to brag on

 

[Pigeon]

Sounds like ur DD is in dance- which ,to me, is extremely frivolous activity.
Nothing like trying to make it to Little League Champs which is the only sort of fundraiser I would go for

My Cousin's son wind ensemble is going to play at Carnegie Hall- trip is cosing a lot, but once again, it is not a necessity - its a vanity thing for the parents to brag on

I guess we all have our priorites. I think few things are as unimportant as Little League, and value wind ensemble far, far above sports.

But as a parent, I'd pay for any of these things and not expect friends, family, neighbors or strangers to subsidize them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But as a parent, I'd pay for any of these things and not expect friends, family, neighbors or strangers to subsidize them.

Yes, this... exactly.

Repeatedly hitting up everyone around you to support your child's special interests and extra activities is, indeed, setting up an 'expectation'... And it is, IMHO, tacky and presumptous to ask others to support your child's special extra-curriculars.

I can handle Girl Scout Cookies, or something like that, maybe once a year. But any more than that is def. to much to ask/expect, unless one KNOWS that the family member/friend is receptive and eager to help out.

The fact that the OP seems so offended and is having a hard time taking the 'no' for an answer says a whole lot.

 

[DopeyDame]

I can't really get over how many of you keep saying its "tacky" to ask for people to participate/buy in/from fundraisers to pay for a kid to be in an activity.

DD's is in ONE activity. The total cost just for her to do this would be around $1600 - 2000 if we did no fund raising. If the teacher/director told the parents at try out that they would have to pay that amount and there would be no fundraising, there would be no activity. NO ONE would participate. If you want to add a "scholarship fund" on top of that for kids that cannot afford it, you would be up to $200-2500. Most people are not going to be able to just write out a check for that for one school activity. (and that doesn't count a lot of the other minor costs that go along with it)

With the fundraising that has been done 85% of each child's costs are covered. And for that reason we have a good participation in the activity.

OP before you decide not to ever ask anyone in your family again, maybe you should find out how THEY feel about it. I am not so sure that most of your family is going to feel the same way as the posters here do. Just like I know for certain that very few of the parents could just write a check for the costs of many activities--regardless how many here say they do that.

I truly can't imagine DS participating in an activity that costs $2000 a season. If we had the money and it was his passion, maybe... MAYBE... but if we couldn't afford it (which we couldn't!) than the answer would be "I'm really sorry, but we can't afford that activity now. Let's try to find something else you'll really enjoy that is in our budget."

And I absolutely can't imagine expecting family and friends to pay for my kid's activity, when they have their own bills to pay for. And yes, you are EXPECTING family and friends to pay for your kids activity. You clearly say that without fundraising (ie, other people paying for it) the activity wouldn't happen. So while you may not expect any particular individual to buy the crap, you clearly expect your friends and family, as a group, to pay for your child's activity.
Sorry - I budget and pay for my own child's expenses (and donate so other kids can have similar experiences) - I'm not going to pay for yours.