Hold me back (DBIL's DW vent)

[Swan4Me]

2-3 times a year to get hit up to buy something from the same family member is annoying. Maybe you should just agree to leave each other off the sales list in the future.

I agree-that is WAYYYYY too much

We never "hit" on our families to buy when the kids were in school-either didnt DO it, or we wrote a check for what was expected

 

[padams]

I'm not supporting your SIL(you call her DW of BIL?) but I hate fundraisers. My son has never participated in selling anything. We just make a donation to his league or team or school-we write a check. It's so much more civilized. If you stop with the fundraisers, you could ask her to stop with her solicitations as well. While I don't agree with her methods, it probably would benefit your son if you A. let him do his own solicitation or B. stopped having him/you participate. You seem like a great mom and good SIL to your BIL. Maybe she meant they didn't 'do' the commercial side of Easter.

 

[luvsJack]

The SIL could have just not responded at all if she wasn't interested it wasn't like the OP was begging or demanding.

As far as the fund raising, its not always about affording what YOUR child does, its about the group as a whole. If we didn't do a huge amount of fund raising, our group could not compete period. We raise money for the group to exist. Since the OP said they do not get money at all from the school, that may be the way it is for them.

 

[kathie859]

OP...I have to say that if my nieces and nephews hit me up 2-3 times a year for fundraisers that I'd be miffed The stuff that is usually sold via the fundraising route is expensive for what it is (you know, the 3 oz of chocolate for $5.00 or the roll of wrapping paper that would cover one present for $6.00).

You DSIL has made her wishes known that she doesn't want to participate so I'd let it go---just like you need to ignore any "31" invitations to buy/host a party/attend a party. It's ok for both of you to have your own preferences of how to spend your money

 

[yoopermom]

Do you realize how that sounds? I HATE getting hit up by my SIL and she only does it once a year. I think you're expecting too much from the people you're soliciting.

Really? I don't word it that formally! More like, "DS is on X school team which does really great but has travel expenses. We're going to be doing X fundraisers. If you want to contribute but don't want more "stuff", a cash donation would be great." They live far enough away that they can't come to any of the meal fundraisers, carwashes, local things, etc, etc that we do as a group to fundraise. And, like I said, I've never turned ANY kid down (and definitely not a family member).

If you're lucky enough not to need to fundraise for your student's activities, be glad. It's gotten to the point in my area that there would be NO extracurricular activities if it wasn't for fundraisers (and volunteers, of which we've done plenty of over the years, as well). And all of the $$ we raise in the group fundraising ventures is split among all the students participating. (Sorry if I sound like I'm venting, but it's hard on these kids who work so hard to get to the national level....)

Terri

 

[sparklynails23]

We only hit up family for really important fundraisers; they happen maybe once per year. They don't hit us up for many of their kids' fundraisers, either.

 

[Swan4Me]

Really? I don't word it that formally! More like, "DS is on X school team which does really great but has travel expenses. We're going to be doing X fundraisers. If you want to contribute but don't want more "stuff", a cash donation would be great." They live far enough away that they can't come to any of the meal fundraisers, carwashes, local things, etc, etc that we do as a group to fundraise. And, like I said, I've never turned ANY kid down (and definitely not a family member).

If you're lucky enough not to need to fundraise for your student's activities, be glad. It's gotten to the point in my area that there would be NO extracurricular activities if it wasn't for fundraisers (and volunteers, of which we've done plenty of over the years, as well). And all of the $$ we raise in the group fundraising ventures is split among all the students participating. (Sorry if I sound like I'm venting, but it's hard on these kids who work so hard to get to the national level....)

Terri

So if they lived closer they are expected at meal fundraisers and car washes etc?

 

[Magic Mom]

OP...I have to say that if my nieces and nephews hit me up 2-3 times a year for fundraisers that I'd be miffed

Me too. Once a year is fine, but other than that, pay for your own activities.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Really? I don't word it that formally! More like, "DS is on X school team which does really great but has travel expenses. We're going to be doing X fundraisers. If you want to contribute but don't want more "stuff", a cash donation would be great." They live far enough away that they can't come to any of the meal fundraisers, carwashes, local things, etc, etc that we do as a group to fundraise. And, like I said, I've never turned ANY kid down (and definitely not a family member).

If you're lucky enough not to need to fundraise for your student's activities, be glad. It's gotten to the point in my area that there would be NO extracurricular activities if it wasn't for fundraisers (and volunteers, of which we've done plenty of over the years, as well). And all of the $$ we raise in the group fundraising ventures is split among all the students participating. (Sorry if I sound like I'm venting, but it's hard on these kids who work so hard to get to the national level....)

Terri

I have to respond to this.
There are plenty of kids who work so hard and get very far. There are also usually costs associated with such things. If you know you cannot afford that activity then you, as a parent, have to make a choice. Fundraise by providing services, having sales etc. in your community. Asking family and friends (no matter how politely worded) is simply annoying. We all have our own children/activites to pay for.

Family and friends usually feel obligated and if they were honest with you- they probably all grumble and sigh when the email comes out. Then they just send the obligatory money because they feel they have to. I think your SIL just said out loud what everyone else who gets the email was thinking. I hate to be harsh but it is the truth.

It stinks when we have to say no, or work extra hours, or do without to make something else work but sometimes that is what you must do as a parent. Good luck and if I was you I would leave family out of the fundraising efforts. Why make them feel obligated?

 

[badblackpug]

I agree that your SIL could have been more tactful in her wording, but I understood it, like a PP, to say they don't do easter baskets and candy and such.

I have to agree, I hate fundraisers. My kids don't participate in them unless it is something very, very simple like selling candy bars. I don't sell any of the other junk, and I don't buy any of the other junk. I have many colleagues that are always toting in catalogs full of junk that their kids are selling. The only "fundraiser" I buy is girl scout cookies because my husband loves them.

I think what a PP meant about just giving cash, it that YOU just give the cash needed, or cut back your child's activities to what you can afford to pay for without fundraising. I'm pretty sure the PP didn't mean that you should ask other people to donate cash.

In the interest of being fair, I also hate sales "parties." (I'll be honest, I have no idea what "31" even is) These are not parties they are high pressure sales techniques that play on guilt and friendship. I don't attend any of those, either.

Honestly, I would just let the email from your SIL go. You can assume she isn't interested, and I probably wouldn't ask her again. If you aren't interested in what she is selling either "spam" her emails or just delete them, and decline any "parties."

 

[Jennasis]

Hitting up family for money so your kid can "do stuff", in general, is tacky. 2-3 times a year is REALLY tacky.

Your sister in law is probably tired of being hit up. I don't blame her but yeah she could've been a bit less abrasive about it.

 

[Erin1700]

I think what people are trying to say is that we all know that a lot of activities require fundraising. But that doesn't mean family should be asked to contribute to each one.


Yes the lady could have been nicer but she doesn't want you to bother her anymore.

 

[bethy]

We don't hit up family, friends or neighbors for fundraisers either - esp ones that sell things. It's not their responsibility to fund my childrens' activities, it's my responsibility. These companies make money by leveraging off our personal relationships. Same with sales parties.

I do support groups doing something that has actual real market value - like yardwork or a carwash, etc.

2-3 times per year is a lot - I would probably just keep repeating "no thank you" over and over again rather than sending an abrasive reply like she did.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I happily buy something from our nieces/nephews for their school fundraisers. I usually find something that we will use, a candle, box of candy, gift bags, etc.. It may be expensive for what it is, but it's not stuff that will break the bank. They aren't personal fundraisers for a particular activity but general school fundraisers and we are fine with being asked to participate.

On the other hand, I never accept invites to the assorted home sales parties. I'll help out a kid, adults are on their own.

I've never heard of 31, must not do them here.

 

[yoopermom]

Ok, y'all win. We're not going to hit up family for any more fundraisers. They all know what activities he's in, and if they want to contribute on their own, they can.

In return, I'm going to save all the $$ I spend on other kids' fundraisers, benefits, sales parties, etc, since I'll need it for my own kid.

And, I'm going to block her 31 emails, just cuz .

I'll let you know at the end of the year how it turns out .

Thanks all!

Terri

 

[violetrose]

The SIL could have just not responded at all if she wasn't interested it wasn't like the OP was begging or demanding.

As far as the fund raising, its not always about affording what YOUR child does, its about the group as a whole. If we didn't do a huge amount of fund raising, our group could not compete period. We raise money for the group to exist. Since the OP said they do not get money at all from the school, that may be the way it is for them.

I agree. Although we always stuck to one fundraiser per kid, per year. And the kid did the fundraising, not us. My sisters and I always had the understanding we would always buy something from each other's children whenever possible.

OP, I don't think you are crazy for being upset but I would let this SIL be for now. She doesn't sound like she is on-board with the type of support you are expecting. I would continue to support her children/grandchildren though, as you said it's how you roll. You know as a mom of kids who are in programs that need fundraising it isn't easy, so I would continue to do what you are doing but take her off your list. Her comments to you were rude but they sound pretty direct. She doesn't want to participate. You need to be direct in return and let her know you don't like the stuff she is selling and don't want to participate in that. So much of family crap is lack of communication!

 

[LisaR]

My kids are 14 and almost 17. They have hit my family up for fundraising events exactly once per kid in that entire time.

DS was on the swim team for the Y when they had a swim-a-thon. The money went towards a scholarship for underprivileged kids so they could be part of the Y.

DD did a breast cancer walk-a-thon. She sent an email that basically said something like if you were planning on making a donation during breast cancer awareness month anyway, would you please consider using this link so her school would get credit.

If we can't afford an activity, my kids don't participate. It isn't up to our relatives, neighbors, and coworkers to fund my kids teams, travel, and fun.

 

[cm8]

Ok, y'all win. We're not going to hit up family for any more fundraisers. They all know what activities he's in, and if they want to contribute on their own, they can.

In return, I'm going to save all the $$ I spend on other kids' fundraisers, benefits, sales parties, etc, since I'll need it for my own kid.

And, I'm going to block her 31 emails, just cuz .

I'll let you know at the end of the year how it turns out .

Thanks all!

Terri

Are you really going to do that all from others opinion on the matter? As a parent you do what you have to do and it should not matter what others think Good luck too!!

 

[mvazul]

Not to beat a dead horse, but I have to agree with most of the other posters. Fundraising is annoying. We usually just buy from our kids and don't ask anyone else. In fact, our daughter was in Brownies two years ago. She wanted to sell at least 1,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. We knew she wasn't going to come close, so my husband bought 150 boxes just to get her to a decent level.

About the 31 parties, I have to agree with you. The sales tactics are annoying. I have been invited to a different party each week for the last couple months. To benefit the same person. Different people keep having parties for her and her family, because they are trying to raise money for this particular family to adopt. Normally, I would be on board faster than most. However, this will be their fifth child and their second adoption from China. Personally, if you want to adopt, go for it. If you can't afford it yourself, don't ask me to help foot the bill. And don't even get me started on the adoption from China when there are more than enough kids here who could use a home.

Good luck to you!

Michelle

 

[eebadeeba]

Are you really going to do that all from others opinion on the matter? As a parent you do what you have to do and it should not matter what others think Good luck too!!

I kind of agree with this. Personally I hate the fundraisers, especially the little plastic trinkets kids get for selling a certain amount. At first I would buy a few things, but now I don't bother. We do support other fundraisers for the school that involve activities, but I never ask anyone else for support. I am very practical and my first thought to this situation, was why doesn't everyone just pay for their own kid instead of spending time trading money.

But my mom was visiting when a buying fundraiser came home from school, she really wanted to buy stuff. I told her it wouldn't make any difference for a prize, as she would be the only one. She did it anyway. I then remembered her encouraging me to get people to buy stuff when I was in school. I think some families and people are just wired that way that they want to help others out and be supportive of their family. Based on the OP supporting others in the family, I assume she could feel this way also. It may give them a positive connection to the child and their activity.