For Gabrielle---On Your Second Heavenly Birthday

[peachgirl]

However, I refuse to forget Gabrielle and put her memory aside as though she was any less significant than our other children. To me and my family, she is just as real and just as important and to forget her "birthday" would be so much more harmful to us than me writing a poem about her.

You don't have to explain how you handle the death of your child to anyone.

Your poem was touching and beautiful. Your children are lucky to have such wonderful, caring parents.

 

[always quiet]

I am so sorry that you (and any other parent) has to deal with the loss of a child. I know your pain only too well. Most days, you are able to deal with the missing piece in your family. Then other days, like birthday days or holidays, the pain is still so great. Another child does not ease the pain or help you move on. Yes, you are grateful they are part of your lives, but they do not take the place of what is lost.

One day, our families will be complete again. Complete to celebrate birthdays and to laugh and love. Until that day comes, we can only hold our loved ones in our hearts. Be certain that on the day that we enter heaven, we KNOW which angel will be waiting for us.

 

[Microcell]

I also want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I still have sad thoughts on December 16, the anniversary of the day I lost my mother and I had her for 16 years! I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through. I still just try to get through that day each year. Sometimes I remember half way through the day on Dec 16th instead of right when I wake up.

 

[Kitty 34]

Originally posted by 6_Time_Momma
Thanks for everyone's comments. Just to make it clear, I don't "dwell" on Gabrielle's death. To me, dwelling is to think of it and little else, something I am too darn busy to do. But, yes, it does still affect me, and yes, I think of her daily....in my prayers, just in my daily routine, as I do my other children. Obviously, I do count my blessings with my other children and am, of course, blessed to have all of them including Olivia.

However, I refuse to forget Gabrielle and put her memory aside as though she was any less significant than our other children. To me and my family, she is just as real and just as important and to forget her "birthday" would be so much more harmful to us than me writing a poem about her.

Thanks again for all your words of advice, comfort.

Kristy, you don't need to explain. My sister miscarried at 4 months and I know to this day it still bothers her even tho she went on to have a beautiful baby boy a year later.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[JerseyJanice]

FWIW, Kristy, as soon as I submitted that post, I regretted it. I went back and read it again, and thought, "gee, it sounds like I'm trying to say my grief is worse than hers." Not what I intended at all, but you must realize it's such a sensitive, painful topic that it's difficult to express well in written words.

I wanted to go back and edit what I wrote, but I got quoted not once, but twice by that point, making it impossible for me to reword what I wrote.

I was really trying only to give you a perspective from another mother who suffered big losses.

You are a wonderful writer; I've always thought that. However, since you posted here recently that feared you had clinical depression and had suicidal thoughts, I'll stand by what I tried to say later--that I believe it would be healthier for you to take the emotion you put into writing that poem and used it for something positive.

Anyway, I'm afraid if I write much more, it will come out as badly as my first post, so let me just say that I am as sorry now that you lost Gabrielle as when you first lost her. And since you say are not dwelling on her loss, I am genuinely relieved that you have accepted your loss and moved on.

My apologies to you and everyone here for my first post; I do realize it sounds insensitive. It is a very difficult topic to write about.

 

[Pembo]

Blessings to you Kristy and to your family.

 

[trishy]

Wow, that was a beautiful and loving tribute to your baby. So sorry for your loss.

 

[GEM]

Hugs to you. It's a lovely poem.

I don't think you ever "move on" after the death of a child. How could you? Sure, you may "go on" with your life and you will continue to have joys and happiness and celebrate your other children, etc. But you never forget and "move on". Not really.

My grandmother had 8 children. The sixth, a little girl named Ramona, died from a fever when she was 9 months old. I can tell you for certain that when my grandmother died 74 years later, she was still profoudly affected by the loss of Ramona - despite her many other healthy children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. No, she didn't spend her days focusing on it, but it was always there with her.

I know there were days when we thought we would certainly loose Paul, and I know that I would never have gotten over it.

As for the poetry, actually, writing poetry of that kind is very healing, healthy experience! I work with art therapy for children and adults, and we always encourage them to write and draw about that sort of thing. It's a very healthy, constructive, creative way to get your feelings out and share them - much better than just huddling in a corner crying, and much healthier than bottling them up and pretending they don't exist.

Like I said before, hugs coming your way!

 

[bumcat]

Jersey Janice:
But after two years, I think it's time to focus on what she does have (6 children) instead of dwelling on what she lost.
_________________________________________________


I believe God decides when the healing process is over not other disers. There is no set time, it isn't written in stone when each person should stop dwelling on a lost.

I don't personally know Kristy but have read many of her posts and she definately comes across as a mom that counts all her blessings.
It only becomes a problem when one goes thru a lost and remains bitter and angry. I don't believe Kristy is at all like that so what is the harm in writing a poem and remembering a child that has died?

So sorry for your loss Kristy.

 

[snoopy]

Kristy, Janice, and any other DISer on this thread who lost a child to stillborn or miscarriage -- my heart goes out to you. In the early months when I was carrying Luke I started bleeding and thought I might be having a miscarriage with him, so while I could never understand your despair fully, I do know a little bit of the heartache it must have caused you to lose your babies. The what ifs will be with you always, there is no escaping that, I don't guess.

Blessings to you Kristy, and to your family, and to the moms and dads and families here on the DIS who have suffered similar losses. My thoughts are with you today.

 

[TigerBear]

Kristy, I have no doubt that sweet Gabrielle knows exactly how much she is loved.

 

[*Fantasia*]

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I can just imagine what you're going through. I lost my husband two and a half years ago and my MIL is still going through pain. I don't think it will ever go away. I know it's a difficult time, but just remember that your precious baby is in good care of the Lord. She will be waiting for you when it's your time. There's always a reason for everything.

 

[CookieGVB]

A beautiful tribute, Kristy. I hope tomorrow will be as painless as possible for you and your family.

 

[Saphire]

Originally posted by GEM

My grandmother had 8 children. The sixth, a little girl named Ramona, died from a fever when she was 9 months old. I can tell you for certain that when my grandmother died 74 years later, she was still profoudly affected by the loss of Ramona - despite her many other healthy children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. No, she didn't spend her days focusing on it, but it was always there with her.

I have worked with the elderly for many years and often when asking them about children/grandchildren, they will mention a baby they lost at full-term or a baby lost between 5-8 months that they gave birth to. They may have had other children, yet they still bring up that life when I ask: "how many children do you have?" I am absolutely amazed at the depth of grief...here I am looking into the face of an eighty year old woman, and they still remember! They recall the pain of losing that child, even though it was often 50-60 years ago! Time and the number of children you have does not necessarily dilute the loss that you experienced, and I am learning to understand that.
Best wishes to you, Kristy, and all others who have lost a child.

 

[mrsmom]

That was so beautiful Kristy


Kim

 

[tinkerbeth]

Originally posted by *Fantasia*
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I can just imagine what you're going through. I know it's a difficult time, but just remember that your precious baby is in good care of the Lord. She will be waiting for you when it's your time. There's always a reason for everything.

Exactly what I wanted to say. God Bless you. You're in my prayers.

Beth

 

[Pop Daddy]

hey

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[GeekChic]

my great grandmother had 13 children. 11 by birth and 2 step children from her husband's first marriage.

She also lost two children; one stillborn and one at three to leukemia.

All of her life, she always cried about them, even though she was blessed with so many others and was truly grateful and a god-fearing, faith led woman, she never forgot them.

dear sweet kristy, don't ever feel you have to explain or justify how you grieve for or remember your daughter.

what a beautiful tribute you gave, what a loving mother you are, not only to your children on earth but also to your angel.

i lost two babies to miscarriage and had to stay in bed all 9 months including having surgery mid pregnancy and having chicken pox while i was expecting my daughter, i am told not to try to have any more. i am grateful to have the beautiful child i do! but that doesn't stop me from wondering about, thinking about, and remembering and honoring the two that i never got to hold, or even bury.

I should have been able to bury the second baby, doctor screwed up, long story...

anyway, to honor their memory i have begun crocheting for charity; my most recent one is for the garden of innocence project in CA, they give proper services for abandoned babies. in this way, i find some comfort and sense that i'm honoring my children that i never got to hold, and no matter how old i get or how long i live, i will never 'get over it'.

my heart aches for you and your husband too and i know how even though my situation was different, the dates can be very hard. you did a beautiful thing honoring your daughter this way and I would like to personally thank you for letting me get to know her a little through your words.

my (now ex) husband never could talk about the losses, and even though he has our daughter and now a son with his second wife, i know the others still remain in his memory, too.

hugs, hugs, and more hugs for you and your husband.

where did l put my kleenex box...

geek

 

[Hollyann]

I was never able to have children, but was blessed with three wonderful step children. I can't even begin to imagine your loss. Your tribute was beautiful and touching. You and your entire family will be in my prayers. Bless you for sharing with us.