Ettiquette question (ordering dinner on someone else's dime)

[miralys]

I never order anything I wouldn't be comfortable paying for and I never order anything which costs more than my host's meal. Seems to have kept me out of trouble so far.

 

[whtyger97]

When someone else is paying (either work or family/friend) I try to stay to moderately priced items.

For family dinners I tend not to drink, work I follow the host, and often get one drink and nurse it while others order multiples.

When we have treated others buffets are nice option as you know what the bill is before you sit down

 

[TAX GUY]

First, this is over 4 years old.

I'll still play along though...... I order as I normally would if I was paying for myself or for anyone else. I wouldn't go over or even under for that matter.

 

[RedAngie]

I wouldn't order anything from the upper price range of the menu, even if the host has already done so. Something in the mid-range of the menu.

If I'm hosting, order whatever you want, even the most expensive entrée.

 

[MIGrandma]

If someone else is paying I don't order the cheapest thing on the menu but neither do I order the most expensive. I try to go middle-of-the-road. And I follow the example of the person paying the bill as far as alcoholic drinks are concerned. If they tell people to order them, then I might. But I generally stick with water or iced tea. If I am paying the bill I would hope the person (s) I'm treating would not order the most expensive thing on the menu just because they can, but if they do I wouldn't say anything and would pay for their meal but I might not invite them out again. I think it's just good manners to not order the most expensive items on the menu and order appetizers and dessert as well. Unless the host, of course, insists. Then that's a different story. Personally I prefer to pay for my own meal and have my dining companions do the same.

 

[powellrj]

How sad is it that I remember this thread from the first time it appeared!

 

[CPanther95]

Order whatever you want.

I'd rather pick up the tab than to have someone else pick up the tab and put conditions on what I order. If you aren't willing to pay for what people order, don't offer to pay. If someone offers to pick up the tab, but expects you to restrict what you order, they aren't taking you to dinner, they're giving you the equivalent of a gift certificate.

... and restaurant gift certificates are rude.

 

[MIGrandma]

Order whatever you want.

I'd rather pick up the tab than to have someone else pick up the tab and put conditions on what I order. If you aren't willing to pay for what people order, don't offer to pay. If someone offers to pick up the tab, but expects you to restrict what you order, they aren't taking you to dinner, they're giving you the equivalent of a gift certificate.

... and restaurant gift certificates are rude.

Giving someone a restaurant gift certificate is rude? Really? Hmmmm.....new one to me. I guess there are a lot of "rude" people out there then because I don't know of any restaurant that doesn't sell them, and when I worked at one we definitely sold a LOT of them, especially during the holidays.

Our kids give us restaurant gift certificates and I think it's great! They know we enjoy going out to eat and for us it's a perfectly wonderful gift to receive. And we give them as well. Never in a million years would I think that is "rude."

 

[BrianL]

I don't think the price of the entree matters too much, but extras should be kind of a group decision based on social cues. Appetizers should be agreed upon by the table. If everyone else is getting a soup or salad, then you may do so. Same for desert and certainly alcohol (if nobody else at the table is drinking, maybe you should pass). Most restaurants won't have a huge range in pricing so I don't think it's a big deal if the host has something that's $19.99 and you order something that's $24.99.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

What's the correct ettiquette for ordering off a menu, when someone else is paying?

When you've been invited out to dinner, do you feel you can order anything you like on the menu?

Or do you try to order something inexpensive, to keep costs down?

I know someone who, whenever we take her out, will order whatever grabs her fancy (usually expensive), and then insists on ordering wine on top of that, even if everyone else at the table is drinking water. She doesn't think twice about adding in appetizers, either. Or dessert. And she'll try to talk the kids into ordering more, too, because she doesn't like being the only one eating dessert.

Another person I know say this is a terrible breach of etiquette on her part. He says we should always try to order the cheaper items on the menu, out of consideration for the host. We should stick to the basics and leave it up to the host to offer extras like dessert (but not expect them). And we should always offer to pay for our own wine, especially if we're the only one drinking. He says a guest should NEVER order the most expensive item on the menu, or have the largest portion of the bill.

I find this dispute kind of odd, especially because the first person I described is actually the one with all the fine manners, high society attitude, and fussiness about table ettiquette. The second person is very down-to-earth and "small-town". He wouldn't lick his plate in a restaurant, but he'll do it at home. And he insists she's the rude one.

So... I'm curious. What's considered "proper" here?

The other person you know is mostly right. Unless there is a previous understanding differently, the manners rule of thumb is anything you want as long as it isn't excessive. You don't necessarily have to order the cheapest things on the menu. But don't obviously over order relative to the host. A $15 steak is perfectly ok if the host orders a $13 steak. But that $30 2 pound T-bone plus loaded potato add on plus appetizer wine and desert for another $20 is obviously a manners no no in that situation. Don't abuse your host's hospitality. Now if the host suggests you try the steak and lobster, than he has indicated he's ok with you trying it regardless of what he orders. Use your discretion. Similarly, if you're out to lunch and the host orders a $6 quick bites lunch burger, you should stay on the quick bites lunch menu rather than order that $15 steak. The $8 steak sandwich on the quick bites menu would be ok though.

This becomes a bit more difficult if you're a woman and you're out on a date he is paying for. The waiter will usually take your order first. So you have no clue what he is going to order. The rule of thumb there is order something middle of the road in price unless he cues you differently. And you can always change your order to something based upon what he does. If you order that steak and lobster and he then looks at his menu again and orders a side salad, uh you're too high in price.

Similarly, if you're in a lunch bunch where paying is rotated don't order the Steak and Lobster off the dinner menu plus wine, appetizer and desert when others are paying and then order a side salad every time when it's your turn. Something like that will be noticed.

The rule of thumb in any situation is don't abuse your host's hospitality. If you're at a party, don't get drunk and swing on the chandelier. If you're at a pot luck, don't bring just a two litre or just a bag of chips (unless you're told to bring just that) and then take home and entire 13 by 9 pan of leftover lasagna unless you're told to. If it seems excessive, it probably is.

 

[pryncess527]

I have friends who I know will change their order to cheaper selections if they know I intend to pay. I typically do not let them know I intend to pay until the check arrives for precisely this reason.

 

[CPanther95]

Giving someone a restaurant gift certificate is rude? Really? Hmmmm.....new one to me. I guess there are a lot of "rude" people out there then because I don't know of any restaurant that doesn't sell them, and when I worked at one we definitely sold a LOT of them, especially during the holidays.

Our kids give us restaurant gift certificates and I think it's great! They know we enjoy going out to eat and for us it's a perfectly wonderful gift to receive. And we give them as well. Never in a million years would I think that is "rude."

Rude is probably too harsh. If it is a place that you go regularly, or the gift certificate is for well in excess of what they might order, then they aren't bad.

But I would never give a "gift" that requires the receiver to spend more money than if I didn't give it to them. If someone gives me a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant that cost me $80, then they gave me a gift that cost me $30.

Much better to give cash than to be so presumptious as to tell people where they should eat - especially if you are going to make them contribute - UNLESS it is for so much that they won't go over the certificate amount (and you don't mind them trashing the leftover amount).

 

[kamik86]

If I'm doing this I'm either:
1) Out to dinner with my parents
2) Buying dinner for my niece and her boyfriend.

If I'm with my parents who is paying is a toss up. However really the cost depends on the choice of location mostly (for example they took me to dinner for my birthday, location up to me. Cost really depends mostly on the location I pick over anything else.

Generally with my parents the rule is anything goes but if you order an appetizer its for everyone to share.

Then again because we switch off on who is paying it really all evens out in the end.

With my niece I have never worried about it at all. Partially because she is a vegetarian, she just turned 21 so we haven't had to worry about alcohol yet, he is still under age. So their meal is almost always less then ours anyway, since the vegetarian options tend to be cheaper.

 

[kamik86]

Rude is probably too harsh. If it is a place that you go regularly, or the gift certificate is for well in excess of what they might order, then they aren't bad.

But I would never give a "gift" that requires the receiver to spend more money than if I didn't give it to them. If someone gives me a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant that cost me $80, then they gave me a gift that cost me $30.

Much better to give cash than to be so presumptuous as to tell people where they should eat - especially if you are going to make them contribute - UNLESS it is for so much that they won't go over the certificate amount (and you don't mind them trashing the leftover amount).

In my family restaurant gift cards are common. Partially because most of us have enough stuff. I almost never have anything I want and if someone asks what to buy me request these for several reasons"
1) I don't have to worry about requesting something too expensive... because they can pick how much to give
2) I will go to the restaurant anyway so your just making it cheaper. So I guess cash would be the same net affect but my family has some weird thing about not giving cash

Then the other one I give are special homemade gift certificates. Just to mom. Really they are a promise to take her out for chinese food because my Dad hates chinese so she only gets to go if one of us kids goes with her.

 

[Patch'sD]

As the host, you should set the tone. I usually ask for appetizers for the table, asking everyone what they would want. Ask everyone who want's desert. The guest should order within reason but not feel that they must get the most inexpensive thing on the menu. Hopefully the guest will reciprocate a dinner on them one day.

 

[FLCyndi]

Usually I order something fairly inexpensive. Not the cheapest thing on the menu just in the middle pricing. (if that makes sense)

This^

 

[CapeCodTenor]

Coming to this thread late, but I always order on the cheap when someone else is paying, unless told otherwise, and even then I still won't order too expensive. I have ordered appetizers though. I love a good cup of clam chowder, and when I go out I will almost always order one, but the main course is always something in expensive.

 

[sonnyjane]

Coming to this thread late

4 years late! Yet another zombie thread I'm sure courtesy of the suggested threads at the bottom.

 

[LCoulter]

I keep my entee about the same price as hosts. If hosts order water and I feel like a soda, I will order a soda. I won't order alcohol, regardless of what host has. I won't order appetizer or dessert because I don't want host to pay for it.

We have friends who we always pay for and we are used to their ordering style and get a laugh out of it afterward because I can't imagine where they put all the food. They each order appetizers (big appetizers that are meant to share), entrees (one of the more expensive), dessert each and wife usually orders a cocktail or two and they eat it ALL. When we go out with them, we may or may not order appetizer or dessert to share (but not both), I drink water, DH soda.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

When I'm with my parents (who always pay), I pretty much order whatever I want.

When a friend is treating. I'll usually also order what I want, especially if it's a restaurant I don't go to often. I'm not a big drinker or dessert eater so that's never really been an issue for me. If I happen to want something that's on the upper end of things. I'll usually say something like "oh, I just love xyz. I know you're treating, but I insist on picking up the tip". That will usually even out any over indulgence on an entree option and gives the host a gracious out.

When on the company dime-this is pretty much a non-issue as I can't keep up with my almost exclusively male co-workers eating or drinking habits. By default, my choices are on the lower end of the group.