Ettiquette question (ordering dinner on someone else's dime)

[Michelle67]

Well, as a host, I would not have invited you if I could not afford to do so. That includes having an app, entree, and dessert if you so wish. You may also order whatever you want off the menu. If I can't cover this, then I wouldn't be inviting people places.

As someone invited, I rarely order the most expensive item because I rarely WANT the most expensive item. That said, I order based off of what I personally would be willing to pay (if I had to).

I'm never quite sure how to take statements like this on this board. We are blue collar people, so maybe I just don't get it. But I have invited people to dinner many times, for many reasons, without being able to afford for them to go ahead and go buck wild on my dime. I have a credit card, and I could certainly whip that puppy out and pay whatever I needed to pay in order to avoid being embarrassed when I couldn't afford the bill...but if a person made me do that by ordering an expensive appetizer, the most expensive meal on the menu, two or three drinks and dessert too, I sure wouldn't invite them out again. I'd still invite other people out, who realize that an invitation to dinner is not an invitation to break the bank.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

I'm never quite sure how to take statements like this on this board. We are blue collar people, so maybe I just don't get it. But I have invited people to dinner many times, for many reasons, without being able to afford for them to go ahead and go buck wild on my dime. I have a credit card, and I could certainly whip that puppy out and pay whatever I needed to pay in order to avoid being embarrassed when I couldn't afford the bill...but if a person made me do that by ordering an expensive appetizer, the most expensive meal on the menu, two or three drinks and dessert too, I sure wouldn't invite them out again. I'd still invite other people out, who realize that an invitation to dinner is not an invitation to break the bank.

I would never tell someone that they can't order something when they are my guest at a restaurant. However, I think it takes guts to go hog wild when someone else is paying.

 

[MIGrandma]

If someone else is taking us to dinner, I stick with lower to moderate priced items no matter how much I may want the filet mignon or the lobster tail. I think it's the polite thing to do. I wouldn't order an alcoholic drink unless the host encourages it, otherwise I'll stick to water or iced tea. And I don't order dessert when we pay, so I wouldn't when someone else is paying either.

 

[bookgirl]

I always try for the middle price wise. Usually chicken, pasta or maybe a small steak.


Works out for me but I don't eat seafood or shellfish, and I don't like prime rib, so it's not hard for me to avoid ordering high dollar food.

Oh and for the most part I'm not a dessert eater.


I've never offered to buy dinner at any place I couldn't afford the top of the line food, one of those instances where I try to pre plan a bit.

I do think it is rude to order alcohol if your host has not. But really food is one of those things that if you can't afford it don't offer.

 

[LilyWDW]

I'm never quite sure how to take statements like this on this board. We are blue collar people, so maybe I just don't get it. But I have invited people to dinner many times, for many reasons, without being able to afford for them to go ahead and go buck wild on my dime. I have a credit card, and I could certainly whip that puppy out and pay whatever I needed to pay in order to avoid being embarrassed when I couldn't afford the bill...but if a person made me do that by ordering an expensive appetizer, the most expensive meal on the menu, two or three drinks and dessert too, I sure wouldn't invite them out again. I'd still invite other people out, who realize that an invitation to dinner is not an invitation to break the bank.

It means, if I can't pay for you to have a full meal of your choice, then I shouldn't be asking you out. I should be prepared, as a host, to fully pay. If the place serves lobster, then I should budget for that being ordered. If I can not afford to do so, then I pick somewhere else or just don't go out. But I would never think that my guest should have to decide on something else just because what they want is "too expensive". I want my guest to be happy.

Now, that being said, I don't hang out with many people who would "break the bank". Few of us drink (especially out since it IS so expensive) and we all like the same types of food. Those that would be the type to "break the bank" usually have qualities that I would not find charming.

 

[LilyWDW]

I do think it is rude to order alcohol if your host has not. But really food is one of those things that if you can't afford it don't offer.

I do allow my guests to order a drink. If I didn't, they would never get to have a glass of wine when I paid for the meal because I can not drink due to a medical issue. I don't want my problem to keep them from that drink and will often verbally offer them a drink that I will pay for (aka "If you want a beer, go for it. It would be on me.")

 

[Art 1]

The host should order first then you order a similar priced meal or less. Most people who are picking up the tab know that they should order first to take the pressure of their guests on what to order.

 

[CurlyGirl]

I tend to ask the host what they're having and base my meal decision on the price of their meal, always going same or lower than what they chose. If they order wine, I will order a glass. If not, I will stick with soda or water.

 

[Bungle]

When I invite people out to dinner I hope they feel comfortable enough to order what they really want. I usually order a few appetizers as the host to get the table going too.

As a guest I order something that sounds good, but would not choose something extremely expensive either. When I drink I always pay for my own, and offer one to the host too.

Seems like a lot of people get stressed out about having dinner with friends. Maybe having a dinner party or bbq would be easier?

 

[StarTink]

Depends on the circumstances...

If the host is someone I have a business relationship with and the dinner is related to that business, then I order whatever I want, including alcohol. They appreciate the tax write off for entertaining.

However, if my friend is paying out of their own pocket, then I try to order a less expensive item that I will enjoy. I always offer to pick up the desserts or drinks as well or at least make an offer to reciprocate for the next meal.

 

[NEM]

If I invite someone, I don't care what they order. I want them to enjoy what they want.

However, as an aside, I once went to lunch with a friend while on vacation and long story short we ended up meeting her boss & co-workers there. However, I had been looking forward to the surf & turf & a couple glasses of wine at this particular restaurant for as long as we had planned this trip (on vacation) and went fully expecting to pay for it myself. However, I was told when we arrived, her boss would pick up the bill. It did give me pause. And I told her I was happy to pay for it myself...as this what I wanted and planned for...and they picked it up as part of their tab anyway...

I felt a bit weird about it all, but dang it, I was on vacation and it is what I wanted and I was more than happy and offered to pay my own way...I am not sure what they thought. It has been years...but this thread reminds me of that one meal.

I never heard the order less than the host. I would hope everyone I took to dinner would order what they want and I also, order appetizers for the table to get the party started....

Interesting question...I could see how if it was a habit as in the case of the original poster, it could be considered bad form. I wonder if the invitee ever returns the invite?

 

[Cat0727]

I don't drink unless it's a special occasion. So then if the host gets a drink, I would, too. I typically tend to order the cheapest meal on the menu, anyway, so I'm a pretty cheap date lol.

 

[MrsPete]

I have three thoughts on the subject, which are not really connected:

1. I've always thought that when someone else is paying, it's polite to stick to the middle of the menu. You don't want to make the other person feel that you're purposefully being cheap, nor do you want to take advantage of their generosity by ordering the Surf-and-Turf.

2. Assuming you know the host fairly well, I'd say that you should order according to your typical habits. If you're the type of person who almost always order appetizers, wine, and dessert . . . and you suddenly choose the quesidilla appetizer and a soft drink for your meal, it's going to stand out as odd behavior to your friend. Likewise, if you're the type of person who tends to order the house salad and a water, it'll stand out if you suddenly order the lobster and dessert.

3. I agree with those who say that you should take your cues from the host. If he's ordering a hamburger, you're fine with the Philly steak sandwich . . . but probably not with a full rack of ribs. If he's ordering the Seafood Extravaganza, you probably should go with more than a kid's meal.

 

[C.Ann]

If you're really unsure of your hosts and feel you need to see them order first, pretend you need a few more minutes to decide and ask them to please go ahead and order and you'll be ready by the timke the server has gotten around the table. Or, you can pretend you're having a hard time deciding, it all looks so good, and ask them if they've eaten there before and what they like on the menu (that will give you a clue to what sort of stuff they may routinely order). Middle of the road always works too, as you already do.

This is what I do.. I don't decide until the host does.. What I order is usually less than what the host orders; I don't do appetizers; I don't drink alcohol; and my appetite is very small, so I never order dessert.. Bottom line? Cheap date.. LOL..

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

ooohhhh, my MIL is the queen of doing this !

We will go out to eat, she will sit at the table and sulk until it's time to order.

I'll pipe up : What ya ordering ?
MIL : Oh just a kids meal, because I only have $4
DH & I confer, then speak up : " well, since we asked you out, pick what you'd like "

waitress comes , MIL says : I'll have the 1/2 lobster with 1/2 rack of ribs combo. and then follow it up with she needed to order a large meal, so she would have dinner for the next 3 night .

We were at PF Changs one time and ordered an entire pot of soup (8 servings) because it didn't come in a single serving size. and then of course when he dinner came didn't eat a bit because she was so full

 

[Conservative Hippie]

ooohhhh, my MIL is the queen of doing this !

We will go out to eat, she will sit at the table and sulk until it's time to order.

I'll pipe up : What ya ordering ?
MIL : Oh just a kids meal, because I only have $4
DH & I confer, then speak up : " well, since we asked you out, pick what you'd like "

waitress comes , MIL says : I'll have the 1/2 lobster with 1/2 rack of ribs combo. and then follow it up with she needed to order a large meal, so she would have dinner for the next 3 night .

We were at PF Changs one time and ordered an entire pot of soup (8 servings) because it didn't come in a single serving size. and then of course when he dinner came didn't eat a bit because she was so full

We had some friends (teenage girl and her mother) stay with us for a few days, and the first night, we took them to dinner. The second day we went to Animal Kingdom and went to Flame Tree for lunch. They were talking with each other about how good the ribs looked. DH and I ordered and paid for our family and moved up in line. Behind us, our friends ordered 2 kids meals. DH and I were talking later about how we both noticed this, and it seemed like they were expecting us to pay. I have no idea why, when I go visit someone, I don't expect them to pay for all the meals!

 

[manning]

My stepmother alway wanted to pay and she would insist we get the best. I would say ok and order. Good thing she never knew how much she had in her purse. When back home as I kept her busy my wife would slip money into her purse. We also knew where she hid money. If she didn't have any in the purse, we would hide it there. She was happy she thought she paid for it.

 

[marcyinPA]

I've always been instructed to not order anything thats more expensive than what the host is buying. Meaning if his plateis a filet mignon for $19.99 not to order a plate thats more than that. If that's true or not I dont know but that's what Ive always gone by.

That's pretty much how I roll too. In addition, I don't order an alcoholic beverage unless my host does.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

What's the correct ettiquette for ordering off a menu, when someone else is paying?

When you've been invited out to dinner, do you feel you can order anything you like on the menu?

Or do you try to order something inexpensive, to keep costs down?

I know someone who, whenever we take her out, will order whatever grabs her fancy (usually expensive), and then insists on ordering wine on top of that, even if everyone else at the table is drinking water. She doesn't think twice about adding in appetizers, either. Or dessert. And she'll try to talk the kids into ordering more, too, because she doesn't like being the only one eating dessert.


So... I'm curious. What's considered "proper" here?

If you are inviting someone out to dinner it is etiquette to not question what they are ordering.
If you feel financially they are putting you in a position or taking advantage don't invite them out.
If you enjoy dining with them have them to your home for dinner.

 

[LilyWDW]

I have three thoughts on the subject, which are not really connected:

1. I've always thought that when someone else is paying, it's polite to stick to the middle of the menu. You don't want to make the other person feel that you're purposefully being cheap, nor do you want to take advantage of their generosity by ordering the Surf-and-Turf.

2. Assuming you know the host fairly well, I'd say that you should order according to your typical habits. If you're the type of person who almost always order appetizers, wine, and dessert . . . and you suddenly choose the quesidilla appetizer and a soft drink for your meal, it's going to stand out as odd behavior to your friend. Likewise, if you're the type of person who tends to order the house salad and a water, it'll stand out if you suddenly order the lobster and dessert.

3. I agree with those who say that you should take your cues from the host. If he's ordering a hamburger, you're fine with the Philly steak sandwich . . . but probably not with a full rack of ribs. If he's ordering the Seafood Extravaganza, you probably should go with more than a kid's meal.

1. If I didn't want my guest to order surf and turf, then I would not have invited them to a restaurant where it is offered.

2. I do agree with this. If you normally order one way, don't just change your habits for another person. I want my guest to be happy with what they order.

3. I sometimes order a hamburger or sandwich when I go out. When I do this, I hope my guest would know ME well enough that I don't want them to order cheap just because I did. Sometimes I just want a hamburger or sandwich. So, if they want the steak, I hope they order the steak.

I guess I am coming at this as more from the host position then the guest position. Until I read it on these boards, I had never heard about waiting until the host orders and then order similar. Not saying I order the most expensive thing, far from it... but I simply had never heard of that stated in such a way.

It's funny... it is almost like the host expects the guest to order what they wish to order... but the guest should only order what is "right" to order. Seems to conflict some lol.