Ettiquette question (ordering dinner on someone else's dime)

[ZephyrHawk]

When you are invited out you may order whatever you like. The question is, do you want to be the kind of person who always orders the lobster? If so, you've got to expect that such invites will not be repeated often.

Now, being the only person to order wine is a different story. Ordering wine indicates a specific level of intimacy in the gathering, and being the only one to do it suggests that you are out of touch with the casual nature of the setting. Mind you, this has happened to me on at least 2 occasions where I was the first person to order (and then no one else followed my lead). I was mortified.

 

[Magpie]

although I prefer to refer to myself as "frugal".

I’m surprised to hear the OP refer to her greedy friend as the one with good manners since most etiquette experts would say that it is certainly impolite to order extravagantly when someone else is paying – even if you are the type of person who has expensive taste. The general “rule” of etiquette is to go “middle of the road” – unless your host suggest that you try something expensive (“The Lobster Thermidor here is amazing - you have to try it.”) Ordering wine when no one else is really taking advantage of your hosts’ generosity. The thing to keep in mind is that your host invited you to dinner and wants you to enjoy your meal, but he/she doesn’t want to feel like you are using the fact that he/she is paying as an excuse to go hog wild.

Personally, OP, I don’t think I’d offer to buy dinner for your friend more than once.

When I said she had good manners, I just meant she's the one who comes across as being the more "upper-class" person, in general speech and comportment and dress. My other friend is a blue collar guy, through and through.

I'm certain she doesn't mean to be greedy... I think she's just oblivious.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I've always been instructed to not order anything thats more expensive than what the host is buying. Meaning if his plateis a filet mignon for $19.99 not to order a plate thats more than that. If that's true or not I dont know but that's what Ive always gone by.

This is the rule I was taught, too, but I do feel comfortable ordering an entree that is just a dollar or two more than the hosts. I might order a drink, too, even if the host is just having water, but just one and not an expensive one. I would not order appetizers and desserts unless the host did so or at least offered.

In the OP, I think person A is being rude.

 

[wvjules]

I would order what I would normally order if I were paying.

 

[Stitchfans]

Usually I order something fairly inexpensive. Not the cheapest thing on the menu just in the middle pricing. (if that makes sense)

 

[queendisney]

If we invite people out to dinner then it will have no boundries set. Going out to dinner for us means fine food and fine wine. It is an unwritten rule that our friends will return the offer to dine on them etc. Our rule is that they are our friends and we want them to have a good time no matter what the cost. If we were all just going to the local restaurant (steak, burgers, ribs kinda thing) and somebody wanted a bottle of wine when nobody else did then they pay for it themselves.

 

[golfgal]

In a business setting do not order the most expensive or the least expensive item on the menu, shoot for middle.

We were out to dinner many years ago with DH's old boss and I was really hungry for pasta--which happened to be the least expensive item on the menu, but it was what I wanted. His boss "scolded" me and told me to order something else . She was mostly joking but was fine when I told her that I really was in the mood for pasta.

We were out for a business dinner with one of the sales guys, one of the internal guys and DH (and spouses for everyone). The sales guy (who is a good friend of ours anyway) asked us to go along because the internal guy was kind of a clod so we went. We sit down, open the menus and the internal guy says "so, who's paying" and when he finds out it isn't him, orders lobster (most expensive thing on the menu). We all had a good laugh over that, on the way home (internal guy drove separately).

For DRINKS, I try to let my host order first as much as possible and if they order a drink, so will I, if not, I don't.

We never order appetizers or dessert when we eat out so I don't add those on. If they suggest getting them, fine, if not, there is way too much food served anyway, don't really need them.

 

[Jennasis]

I order like I would if I were paying.

 

[DisneyCher]

I am like others in believing it depends on the host. My in-laws always order alcohol/drinks with dinner, so I will when we go out with them, but they are not dessert people at all, so I never order dessert with them. My parents never order alcohol, so we don't, and they occasionally order desserts, so I look at the dessert menu to see if there is anything I am interested in.
As far as the entree/main course, I choose something I would be willing to pay for myself, and something that sounds tasty to me. Sometimes it is the $40 steak, other times it is the $15 chicken.

 

[bettymae1121]

I won't seek out the cheapest thing on the menu ( unless it's something I truely want, of course) but I'll avoid the most expensive things too. As for alcohol, I'll only order a drink if everyone else is and if I want one (I don't always).

When I offer to pay, I don't care what people order, although I do hope they at least avoid anything that says "market price".

 

[2binak]

I also use the host's order as a guide.

 

[Diznygrl]

I order whatever I feel like eating. I'm not going to order something I don't really want just because of the price. Fortunately, I don't have extravagant tastes so it's never a big deal. Host usually ends up ordering something more expensive than me, anyway. I don't drink alcohol, sometimes I will have a soda but usually just water. I don't do appetizers or dessert either. Sometimes the host will order an appetizer and tell everyone to try some, in which case I will.

 

[U2_rocks!]

At business lunches I am often the only female, so I always get asked for my order first! Annoying, because I don't have any guidance. But, I have learned to ask a general question of the table if I think it will be well received i.e. when it's time for the drinks order, I'll look around with a smile and ask "so what's everyone having"?, and when it's time for the meal order I'll ask "are we doing appetizers"? Only once or twice have I been too intimidated to do that, and have instead ordered just water to begin with and joined the rest for round two, and passed on ordering my food first with the excuse that I needed a few more minutes to decide.

Generally I try not to be the one ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. I don't eat seafood, so usually some sort of steak would be the likely culprit for me (though if there were more than one size, I always order the smaller one - I just can't eat that much meat anyway!). But if certain people (like my parents, who treat us all the time and would hate for us to not order what we like), I order what I want. For business meals I don't think it's a big deal if you choose one of the higher-priced items unless it is the one dish that is significantly more expensive than anything else and it's obvious you're only ordering it because you're not paying the bill.

I also don't think it's a big deal if your order costs slightly more than what your hosts are having.

Re wine and alcohol - it would feel weird to be the only one drinking, so I do ask the others what they are drinking if I don't know them well. If it's my friends or family, I already know whether we will be doing wine or cocktails etc.

 

[luvsJack]

How do so many of you follow the host's lead when most of the time a host is going to tell you to order first? (or at least they do around here)

I usually pick "middle of the road" but I pick what I like. I don't order something just based on the price.

 

[U2_rocks!]

How do so many of you follow the host's lead when most of the time a host is going to tell you to order first? (or at least they do around here)

I usually pick "middle of the road" but I pick what I like. I don't order something just based on the price.

If you're really unsure oof your hosts and feel you need to see them order first, pretend you need a few more minutes to decide and ask them to please go ahead and order and you'll be ready by the timke the server has gotten around the table. Or, you can pretend you're having a hard time deciding, it all looks so good, and ask them if they've eaten there before and what they like on the menu (that will give you a clue to what sort of stuff they may routinely order). Middle of the road always works too, as you already do.

 

[sasywtch]

The only times I've felt unsure was dating again after being married for 20 years. I always had a couple of things in mind after looking at the menu and then asked him what he was thinking about ordering.

I would have huge guilt ordering what the OP's friend did. If I went the cheap route and then the host decided they also wanted an appetizer, I might pipe up and say, oh that sounds good, I'll have that also.

 

[roscoepc1]

I would say it depends on the person doing the inviting....if you know darn well taking you to dinner is a stretch for them, but they just want to treat you, keep it modest. If you know they're filthy rich, order what you'd like, but not specifically the most expensive "just b/c you can", kwim?

If you're unsure, I'd discreetly ask them if they have a limit they'd like you to stick to.....Ie, "Sue, I so appreciate you treating me like this! I wonder if it'd be ok with you if I ordered the veal, it's a little more expensive than the steak....would that cause a problem?" If I don't know them well enough to ask, I'd stay on the less expensive side....

 

[LilyWDW]

Well, as a host, I would not have invited you if I could not afford to do so. That includes having an app, entree, and dessert if you so wish. You may also order whatever you want off the menu. If I can't cover this, then I wouldn't be inviting people places.

As someone invited, I rarely order the most expensive item because I rarely WANT the most expensive item. That said, I order based off of what I personally would be willing to pay (if I had to).

 

[dodukes]

I won't seek out the cheapest thing on the menu ( unless it's something I truely want, of course) but I'll avoid the most expensive things too. As for alcohol, I'll only order a drink if everyone else is and if I want one (I don't always).

When I offer to pay, I don't care what people order, although I do hope they at least avoid anything that says "market price".

OMG yes "market price" scares me!!!(even when I'm paying!!)

How do so many of you follow the host's lead when most of the time a host is going to tell you to order first? (or at least they do around here)

I usually pick "middle of the road" but I pick what I like. I don't order something just based on the price.

Im pretty vocal before ordering, i just ask around to see what other people are having sometimes, and most of the time im usually tossed on a few things so it helps to ask what other people are having and if theyve tried it before. I mean im usually out with friends, rarely would it be something that is with business or elsewhere, but I'm a pretty cheap eater to begin with, so I usually dont have a problem just ordering what I like.

 

[2disneyboys]

Socially (Family, friends) I would try to be conservative in my ordering (mid range) but I would never order apps or desert.. I always leave that to the host to offer and "push" I rarely drink while I'm out and would only consider it if the host was as well so thats not a factor for me.

if I'm the host, I would make it clear to order what you want as I wouldn't offer if I couldnt afford it.

work functions..well, I usually have a LOT of fun with those