Ettiquette question (ordering dinner on someone else's dime)

[Magpie]

What's the correct ettiquette for ordering off a menu, when someone else is paying?

When you've been invited out to dinner, do you feel you can order anything you like on the menu?

Or do you try to order something inexpensive, to keep costs down?

I know someone who, whenever we take her out, will order whatever grabs her fancy (usually expensive), and then insists on ordering wine on top of that, even if everyone else at the table is drinking water. She doesn't think twice about adding in appetizers, either. Or dessert. And she'll try to talk the kids into ordering more, too, because she doesn't like being the only one eating dessert.

Another person I know say this is a terrible breach of etiquette on her part. He says we should always try to order the cheaper items on the menu, out of consideration for the host. We should stick to the basics and leave it up to the host to offer extras like dessert (but not expect them). And we should always offer to pay for our own wine, especially if we're the only one drinking. He says a guest should NEVER order the most expensive item on the menu, or have the largest portion of the bill.

I find this dispute kind of odd, especially because the first person I described is actually the one with all the fine manners, high society attitude, and fussiness about table ettiquette. The second person is very down-to-earth and "small-town". He wouldn't lick his plate in a restaurant, but he'll do it at home. And he insists she's the rude one.

So... I'm curious. What's considered "proper" here?

 

[dodukes]

I've always been instructed to not order anything thats more expensive than what the host is buying. Meaning if his plateis a filet mignon for $19.99 not to order a plate thats more than that. If that's true or not I dont know but that's what Ive always gone by.

 

[POPCITY]

I've always been instructed to not order anything thats more expensive than what the host is buying. Meaning if his plateis a filet mignon for $19.99 not to order a plate thats more than that. If that's true or not I dont know but that's what Ive always gone by.

That's what I always do, too.

 

[becauseisaid]

I've always gone by the same rule at dodukes. Never order anything more expensive than your host and always pay for your own alcohol.

However, I've also never put any restrictions on someone I've invited to dinner. Never even thought about it, honestly. If I invite someone to dinner, I want them to enjoy themselves and get something they like to eat. I know, for me, sometimes I really do just want the cheeseburger on the menu so I'm not going to insist someone else order it too when they are craving the full rack o' ribs. LOL!

 

[dngnb8]

When I invite, I always say order what you wish.

If I am told that, I will do that.

If it isnt said out right, I order based on taste and cost average.

I never ever order something just because of cost. I always order based on taste

 

[NMAmy]

Another person I know say this is a terrible breach of etiquette on her part. He says we should always try to order the cheaper items on the menu, out of consideration for the host. We should stick to the basics and leave it up to the host to offer extras like dessert (but not expect them). And we should always offer to pay for our own wine, especially if we're the only one drinking. He says a guest should NEVER order the most expensive item on the menu, or have the largest portion of the bill.

I agree with this gentleman. I try to keep my choice on the more modest side and have taught my dd to do the same.

 

[scrapquitler]

When I go out on someone else's dime, I never order anything that I wouldn't order if I were paying. That works well for me since I'm cheap

And I won't order alcohol unless everyone else is having it, too. Honestly, most of the time when I go out to eat, I just get water anyway.

 

[kt_mom]

Honestly, I don't think you should offer to take someone to dinner in a place where you can't or don't want to pay for whatever they choose off the menu.

That being said, what I order usually depends on who's paying. With my DH family I try not do a lot of extras and if I want a beer or a glass of wine I try to stick to one. Regardless of what they order.

If its a work function with DH then I'm more inclined to order whatever I want plus drinks becuase its the norm in that circle.

So I think it depends on the situation.

 

[maslex]

I've been out to dinner with friends before when they were paying.

I wouldn't automatically go for the lobster or filet mignon just out of respect but there have been times when my friend will get a higher priced meal and she'll say to me, "go ahead and get the lobster (or whatever), I know it's very good here" then I'll say something along the lines of, "no...that's a lot of $$$) if she continues to tell me to get it, I probably would end up ordering it.

BUT, usually I will stick to something on the low to middle priced items.

I would never think of ordering an app, entree, dessert and drinks if someone else is paying. I mean, I never order that when it's just hubby and me, so I wouldn't do it just because someone else is footing the bill.

 

[Rafiki31]

I try to keep costs down and would not dream of adding extras.

 

[mamacatnv]

I'm in the nothing more than the host camp.
I also order like I would if I were paying and like a PP I am a bit cheap and hate to pay for appetizers, drinks or dessert.

 

[DWGal210]

I've always been instructed to not order anything thats more expensive than what the host is buying. Meaning if his plateis a filet mignon for $19.99 not to order a plate thats more than that. If that's true or not I dont know but that's what Ive always gone by.

Same here; I use the host as my guide. Monkey see, monkey do.

 

[ols386]

I had never heard that you weren't supposed to order anything more expensive than the host, but I wouldn't do that anyway. I definitly wouldn't order something real expensive. I try to keep it on the modest side, cost wise. I don't necessarily order the cheapest thing either.

If I take someone out to eat, I have no problem with them ordering what they want, since I made the offer to begin with. I also wouldn't have a problem with them ordering a glass of wine or a beer, or dessert (especially since I like dessert myself).

 

[design_mom]

I was taught the same thing about taking your cue about the price limit from what your host orders (unless the host actively encourages you to order something else.) However, if the host insists that you order first, then I usually try to go with something moderately priced.

Like a previous poster mentioned, I would probably choose something moderately priced if I was paying for it myself, so I would feel bad ordering something more expensive just because someone else was paying. However, if the host said "Let's all get the filet mignon!" then I would happily agree.

 

[Handbag Lady]

It depends on who the host is. My father doesn't drink; I would NEVER dream of ordering wine with him as the host without paying for it myself. Then there will be a fight (playful) then he'll end up paying then I'll give him a sip of my wine and he'll make a funny face. We're both steak eaters, so there's no question it will be the filet.

At work events, I get what I want, alcohol included.

I have a group of friends and we trade off buying the meal once every two or three weeks. We get what we want, alcohol included.

If the host and I are new friends, I do scale back and don't go all crazy. When it comes to drinks, I always ask my host if they are drinking and I don't order any alcohol unless they do as well.



ETA: I do think the first person in the OP is the correct one, though. The host expects you to have fun or they wouldn't have invited you. She also expects people to do the same when it is on her tab.

 

[Michelle67]

I've always been instructed to not order anything thats more expensive than what the host is buying. Meaning if his plateis a filet mignon for $19.99 not to order a plate thats more than that. If that's true or not I dont know but that's what Ive always gone by.

This is the guideline I was raised with as well. As others have mentioned, if I am instructed to order first I order something in the price range that I would pick if I were paying. I'm not a "shoot for the moon and only the best for me" kind of person, so it would end up being something in the middle to lower price range of the menu.

 

[cornflake]

I've never run into the 'pay for your own alcohol' thing. That seems like it'd be really awkward. I can see it if someone invites you for dinner and you want a $100 bottle of wine and no one else has ordered wine but in general?

I guess this just has never come up for me, as meat tends to be more expensive and I'm not ordering that, or we're out at restaurants with most stuff within a decent range or I haven't noticed, heh.

If it were a situation where there were a bunch of people and everyone including the host ordered like a $15 entree I wouldn't order a $30 one but if it's like the host ordered the $15 pasta and I wanted the $17 one I wouldn't think about it, I don't think it'd even register. Nor would I really think about it if I wanted a like $4 glass of wine but the host didn't order wine. I'd just think they didn't feel like wine I guess.

I suppose I feel like I'm treating then I'm treating - unless it was outrageous I don't notice what someone ordered on my dime so I don't think about it in reverse.

 

[AndreaDM]

It depends on who the host is. My father doesn't drink; I would NEVER dream of ordering wine with him as the host without paying for it myself. Then there will be a fight (playful) then he'll end up paying then I'll give him a sip of my wine and he'll make a funny face. We're both steak eaters, so there's no question it will be the filet.

At work events, I get what I want, alcohol included.

I have a group of friends and we trade off buying the meal once every two or three weeks. We get what we want, alcohol included.

If the host and I are new friends, I do scale back and don't go all crazy. When it comes to drinks, I always ask my host if they are drinking and I don't order any alcohol unless they do as well.



ETA: I do think the first person in the OP is the correct one, though. The host expects you to have fun or they wouldn't have invited you. She also expects people to do the same when it is on her tab.

Yes, it really depends on the situation and the hosts. We went out to dinner Friday night, our family of 5 with DH's uncle and aunt who were in town for the weekend. We all ordered whatever we wanted, drinks included. We had intended to pay the entire check but when we were ready to leave we realized uncle had slyly paid the tab when he went to use the restroom. Had we ordered any differently if we had known beforehand he was paying? Probably not and he would have wanted us to get whatever we wanted. Now if my sister treats me to lunch I'll usually just get a salad and water because I know finances are tight for them. The company credit card? Then we go hog wild!

 

[YO's Mom]

When I go out on someone else's dime, I never order anything that I wouldn't order if I were paying. That works well for me since I'm cheap

although I prefer to refer to myself as "frugal".

I’m surprised to hear the OP refer to her greedy friend as the one with good manners since most etiquette experts would say that it is certainly impolite to order extravagantly when someone else is paying – even if you are the type of person who has expensive taste. The general “rule” of etiquette is to go “middle of the road” – unless your host suggest that you try something expensive (“The Lobster Thermidor here is amazing - you have to try it.”) Ordering wine when no one else is really taking advantage of your hosts’ generosity. The thing to keep in mind is that your host invited you to dinner and wants you to enjoy your meal, but he/she doesn’t want to feel like you are using the fact that he/she is paying as an excuse to go hog wild.

Personally, OP, I don’t think I’d offer to buy dinner for your friend more than once.

 

[kirstenb1]

I try to order one of the less expensive entrees, and although I like a drink with dinner, usually just order a coke if someone else is treating.