EEK! Teenage neighbor puts me in awkward position! What should I do?*Update! Page 4

[PrettyInTink]

Really though I don't think it matters what the girl did in fact know or not know or what's true about her mother. Who cares if the girl is lying about most things? If she's having sex or is thinking about doing so, then she needs birth control and condoms--period.

This is the bottom line. I would rather our kids have pockets and gloveboxes full of condoms than watch them dies from AIDS.

 

[Planogirl]

Anyway, to answer you Planogirl ... how about directing her to the boy's parents? Surely both sets of parents aren't as "crazy" or "abusive" as the girl's parents are. He has as much at stake here as the 16 year old girl.

Now why didn't I think of that? That is a great idea.

How about telling her or giving her the phone numbers to the local health department or the local Planned Parenthood and letting them answer the questions for her/them?

Didn't the OP say that she just went on a fact-finding mission? Maybe she didn't know that the health department would provide that kind of info to a girl of that age - I don't know. Me, I would have directed her to Planned Parenthood because I know that they will.

I dunno what the best course of action is truthfully. Doing nothing is the only one I'm firmly against.

 

[PrettyInTink]

She shouldn't feel responsible for the child getting an STD or getting pregnant, but where does her responsibility end with regards to this child's sex life, since she has all ready become involved in it in such a major fashion. Does she now tell the child, "Sorry, NOW go talk to your mom." or does she then get involved in trying to help her with a pregnancy or a STD? Where does the obligation to the child end once you get this involved. That's what I'm asking.




Maybe. Like I said in my original post, I'm not sure if she did the right thing or not. Hopefully nothing will happen to this child. If she did become "knocked up" or she did end up with an STD, where does the OP draw the line at giving advice and information then? Does she go to an adoption agency, an abortion clinic to gather information then point her in that direction, etc? Where does the obligation end once you have decided to get this involved in a child's life? Do you follow up and ask if she's on birth control? Why or why not if someone is that concerned they feel the need to get that involved. That's what I'm asking.


It doesn't seem like a irresponsible, irrational, mean question to ask. Rather I think it's a question to ask if you decide to become intimately involved in a child's sex life as the OP chose to do. It doesn't end when the card is passed to the child. Or does it?

This child walked into my home to bring me mail that had mistakenly nade it into their box. She began pouring her heart out to me. I ask you, what would YOU do? Tell her to leave? I respect your question, although I don't think I am intimately involved in a childs sex life. I don't know particulars, how many times, where, yadayada. I just know it has happened, and she needed to know facts that her parents were unwilling to tell her. The trip to the health department was to steer her to someone who can take the place of my advice and provide her information in a setting for which its appropriate. I have no intention to give Jane any further advice. I never forced my own views on her, just gave her true and factual info. I hope in the future she visits the HD so that they can give her what she needs on a doctor/patient confidentiality basis that can protect her from having her mothers views and beliefs forced on her.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

This is the bottom line. I would rather our kids have pockets and gloveboxes full of condoms than watch them dies from AIDS.

And that's the bottom line for me as well.


If my sixteen year old daughter felt she had to go to a neighbor for advice and information I'd be mad but it would be with myself. The mother didn't do her job so you stepped in to do it for her. Who cares if she's mad? If the girl doesn't catch a disease or get pregnant because you gave her good information then you did a good thing. The mother's relationship with her daughter isn't your problem. It's hers.

 

[PrettyInTink]

OP, I think you handled this situation extremely well! I'm glad Jane felt she could talk to you and you were willing to step up to the plate in an informative and supportive manner. Feel free to be my neighbor

Thank you.

 

[rie'smom]

This whole thing is peculiar. If this girl brought up the subject with her friends,they would know, unless she goes to school in a cloistered convent,where she could go for birth control help. Heck,in the 70's we lived in a small town and knew,if needed,that we could go to the infirmary at the local college.
Maybe she just wants to share the fact that she's having sex. It's just too amazing that in this day and age that she wouldn't know where to get bc.

 

[PrettyInTink]

My mom was very open too, but I'm a very shy person, and never talked to her about my personal life with her. Of course, I hadn't even kissed a guy at 15, then hated my first kiss and it took a whole year to be brave enough to try again...so I'm not quite in the same situation as this girl.


But I find it REALLY obnoxious that you're calling this woman whacko, etc, for not allowing birth control pills (have you ever READ the package inserts of all the complications that can happen with them, or LISTENED to the commercials where they list all the dangers?) or using western medications for cramps...I don't do those either, but am not "whacko". I just don't like using freaky extrinsic hormones to artificially control my body...doesn't seems like it's going to turn out well for us, putting all that stuff into our bodies (and, sadly, our waters which now have measurable hormones in them).



I don't feel you had a place in this situation. If a 16 year old girl came to me with this, I couldn't get involved. It's just not your place.

Also, and this was my stance as a teenager and young adult as well...if I wasn't mature enough to figure these things out for myself, to make an appointment and have the appointment to talk to someone about condoms and pills and whatnot...I wasn't mature enough to have a boy in that same area as a gyno would be. I also stayed away from sex until I knew I could make a decision about a pregnancy....meant I was 21 when I did have sex!

So if she's not mature enough to find this info on her own, she really should think about waiting to do these things until she IS mature enough.

That's likely as far as I would have gone in conversation with her...but there's NO way I would have gone to a health department to get info for her.



And for ANYONE surprised about a woman not knowing about her cycle, should read the anecdotes in Taking Charge of Your Fertility...there are MANY women who don't understand their bodies...

This woman IS a wacko. For several reasons (not just this one, trust me, I live next to her ) At 16 in the state of Alabama a child can decide to put HERSELF on the pill, patch, shot, whatever.
And as for the waiting until you are mature enough TOO LATE, she's already done it, and NO, she's not mature enough. Find me a teenager who is!
Whats obnoxious is people who have all the answers and tell you what you should and should not do in this situation based on what her mother will think/what her mothers rights are. What about the child? She's the one who stands to lose something here, her life possibly?

 

[PrettyInTink]

ITA. This thread reminds me of an old aquaintance of mine who was fond of telling stories like "So I fixed her carseat and then two days later she got in an accident. I saved that baby's life!" Sure, it could have happened, but it didn't make her look good in the telling.

I am not claiming to save anyones life here. I simply came to the DIS with this because I knew there were lots of mothers of teens on here that could offer some insight. Then I made a decision on my own. I'm sorry if you think I don't "look godd in the telling" but thats not what I'm here for.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I find all the name calling you are doing of this childs mother very rude. You are neighbors, you don't KNOW her and because of her religious views, you think she is a whacko?? Just who I want my kids going to.

The name calling was a direct result at my anger for the things that she has done in the past and the fact that her child came to me because her mother refused to BE A MOTHER> Like it or not moms it is YOUR job to answer the hard questions.
If you don't want your kids going to someone like me EDUCATE THEM! DON'T TURN THEM AWAY! ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN IF THEY MAKE YOU CRINGE!

 

[PrettyInTink]

This whole thing is peculiar. If this girl brought up the subject with her friends,they would know, unless she goes to school in a cloistered convent,where she could go for birth control help. Heck,in the 70's we lived in a small town and knew,if needed,that we could go to the infirmary at the local college.
Maybe she just wants to share the fact that she's having sex. It's just too amazing that in this day and age that she wouldn't know where to get bc.

Look, all I can tell you is that Jane is very naive due to the private church school and the super strict parents. All I can say is she has always been an honest child before. If she wanted just to share the fact that she is having sex, I'm sure she would have shared it with her 15 year old sister. You didn't see the ashamed, embarrassed look in her eyes.
I don't know if abstinance is the answer. But I do know that kids who have no one to confide in are sad. I did the best I could do in the situation that fell in to my lap.

 

[rie'smom]

She can't be that sheltered-she's having sex and knew about bc.

 

[punkin]

She can't be that sheltered-she's having sex and knew about bc.

It's the sheltered ones who have no understanding of what they are doing who get into the worst trouble.

 

[disneyjunkie]

The name calling was a direct result at my anger for the things that she has done in the past and the fact that her child came to me because her mother refused to BE A MOTHER> Like it or not moms it is YOUR job to answer the hard questions.
If you don't want your kids going to someone like me EDUCATE THEM! DON'T TURN THEM AWAY! ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN IF THEY MAKE YOU CRINGE!

How do you know she REFUSED TO BE A MOTHER?

Maybe her faith, values and morals lead her to make a decision Jane doesn't agree with. You may not agree with her (for the record, I don't agree). However, that doesn't mean she isn't doing her job as a mom.

Jane may be lying to you and her parents.

 

[XOoOoVEEoOoOX]

How do you know she REFUSED TO BE A MOTHER?

Maybe her faith, values and morals lead her to make a decision Jane doesn't agree with. You may not agree with her (for the record, I don't agree). However, that doesn't mean she isn't doing her job as a mom.

Jane may be lying to you and her parents.

The fct of the matter is that PrettyinTink DID direct this girl to someone who could give her more info and did urge the girl to speak to her parents, but the girl said she had and they were of no help.

OP I think you did right..wether or not the girl was lying about talkng to her parents you still directed her to a place that can arm her with all the facts and information. If the mom gets mad at you..so what, you did HER a favor, the daughter was having sex anyways so if anything you may have helped avoid a future problem.

 

[PrettyInTink]

The fct of the matter is that PrettyinTink DID direct this girl to someone who could give her more info and did urge the girl to speak to her parents, but the girl said she had and they were of no help.

OP I think you did right..wether or not the girl was lying about talkng to her parents you still directed her to a place that can arm her with all the facts and information. If the mom gets mad at you..so what, you did HER a favor, the daughter was having sex anyways so if anything you may have helped avoid a future problem.

Thank you, and well said I do know that if approached by Jane's mom and asked about the situation I will not lie. I will tell the mom all I know and how the conversation went if asked. But I'm not going over there for a heart to heart. I truly hope Jane can at some point have a conversation with her mom about this, but for now I hope the health department can help her out.
To all those who don't agree, sorry. You are entitled to your opinions and I respect your responses even if we don't agree.
For all of those who helped with words of wisdom and encouragement, thank you! This has been a tough situation and I have really appreciated all the help from those more experienced than me. I hope things work out for the best. If there are any updates I will post them, but I hope I am out of the loop at this point.

 

[PaulaSB12]

My mom was very open too, but I'm a very shy person, and never talked to her about my personal life with her. Of course, I hadn't even kissed a guy at 15, then hated my first kiss and it took a whole year to be brave enough to try again...so I'm not quite in the same situation as this girl.


But I find it REALLY obnoxious that you're calling this woman whacko, etc, for not allowing birth control pills (have you ever READ the package inserts of all the complications that can happen with them, or LISTENED to the commercials where they list all the dangers?) or using western medications for cramps...I don't do those either, but am not "whacko". I just don't like using freaky extrinsic hormones to artificially control my body...doesn't seems like it's going to turn out well for us, putting all that stuff into our bodies (and, sadly, our waters which now have measurable hormones in them).



I don't feel you had a place in this situation. If a 16 year old girl came to me with this, I couldn't get involved. It's just not your place.

Also, and this was my stance as a teenager and young adult as well...if I wasn't mature enough to figure these things out for myself, to make an appointment and have the appointment to talk to someone about condoms and pills and whatnot...I wasn't mature enough to have a boy in that same area as a gyno would be. I also stayed away from sex until I knew I could make a decision about a pregnancy....meant I was 21 when I did have sex!

So if she's not mature enough to find this info on her own, she really should think about waiting to do these things until she IS mature enough.

That's likely as far as I would have gone in conversation with her...but there's NO way I would have gone to a health department to get info for her.



And for ANYONE surprised about a woman not knowing about her cycle, should read the anecdotes in Taking Charge of Your Fertility...there are MANY women who don't understand their bodies...

No the OP was correct to talk to the girl, I wouldn't call the mother a wacko (though she sounds like the mother out of that stephen king book Carrie) but I would call a moron. Teenagers are not always sensible and the fact is that she is having sex. To late to turn back the clock but if she can't talk to her cretin of a parent who can she talk to. When I was at school it was always the "innocent" ones who got up the duff before they left school. The op did the right thing and it is disrespectful to the mother then tough, the stupid women should learn what century we are living in and talk with her daughter not down at her.

 

[barkley]

i just have to wonder-knowing that maybe the op is using the term 'it' because this is a family board. is the girl actualy having intercourse?

reason i ask is because i went to school with some incredibly sheltered religious girls-and they truly were so misinformed that they believed that 'it' (as in what causes a woman to become impregnated) was as little as a french kiss or digital penatration.

if this girl is as sheltered as the op describes-is it possible that she actualy has not 'crossed the line'-and the information she is provided re. birth control may give her the WRONG impression that all teens do engage in intercourse? (i say wrong because while i believe a large percentage of teens do engage in intercourse-it seems with the increased practice/acceptance of other forms of sexual gratification between teens in recent years-some types that many adult women feel are actualy less acceptable prior to marriage/more personal than intercourse-actual intercourse between teens may not be occuring with the frequency we've previously seen).

i have to hope that in the op's situation-the information actualy suited the circumstance.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just wanted to throw an interesting twist into this discussion. (going the direction Maggie was going)

I wonder, just for the sake of argument, how anyone here would feel if their DD went to a neighbor and they gave your DD religious/spiritual advice that they KNOW goes directly against your familys specific beliefs because they disagree with you and think your way of parenting is unhealthy. Add into this that this is a neighbor that you don't like and does not like you, not someone you respect and not someone you feel confident that they respect your family values.

For example, let's say you are non-Christian. And your neighbor is a Christian and feels your beliefs are 'wacko', that you are not being a good parent and endangering her life by what she considers promoting sexual activity by discussing birth control options.

How comfortable would you be with your neighbor counseling your child? How far would be too far?

How involved with your children would be ok with a neighbor who you do not like and does not like you?

Just food for thought. And honestly what I think is the main concern with many of us who have 'flamed' the OP.

(FTR, I have always stated in this thread that I believe the OP should have given this girl the number of a womens clinic)

 

[poohandwendy]

Ok, I am just back from the health department. I felt a little silly being in there but I knew this was the best thing to do. I spoke to a very nice lady that works there and she gave me all the information I needed. She says yes, they can prescribe the pill to a minor without parents consent as long as the child is 16 yo. She also said that she would be happy to provide condoms, literature, and personal guidance to Jane. She tried to send me home with the material to give to her myself but I refused, saying I thought it best for me to just pass on her card to Jane and let her decide to go further. So I have the lady's card and have given it to Jane and told her that that is all I am comfortable doing. I told her how important it is to communicate with her parents and that she should always be honest with them with everything (including this). Whether she tells them or not is up to her, and I am prepared to deal with a little backlash should her mother find out I am the one who pointed her in the direction of the health department.
Jane just left to go to the health department. I hope she finds what she needs there and that I handled this the best way I knew how.
I never had this problem as a teen. My mom is a nurse and was always very straight forward about things and there was nothing I couldnt ask her. I hope life gets better for Jane. She is a great young lady and I want to see her go far in life. Parents please don't shut your kids out with threats. You WANT your kids to come to you. Don't scare them away.

EEK! You never actually went to the health dept, did you?

If you would have, you would have found that 'Jane' (if there really is such a desperate sexually active neighbor with no where to turn because she has an unreasonable 'MonsterMom') would not have to be 16 yo to have access to contraceptive services. I think you misread Barkleys earlier post which cited 16 as the age of sexual consent in Alabama, but that is not the age of consent for contraceptive services (two entirely different things)

Still concerned about accurate information for teens?

Have you ever heard of Title X?

You have the internet, look it up.
Be sure to type in Alabama, for specific laws in your state.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

To the OP I think you did the right thing. A teenager needs someone to confide in. Unfortunetly it's not her mother but that happens.

I hope things work out for everything.