EEK! Teenage neighbor puts me in awkward position! What should I do?*Update! Page 4

[golfgal]

First of all, you do realize that the over 1 BILLION Catholics in the world don't believe in birth control, right? Now, having said that and being Catholic, get her the number for planned parenthood and let them figure out what is best for her.

 

[Hannathy]

I find it sad that people are saying tell the Mom. Do you want to very harshly teach this girl to never seek counsel or support from someone ever again. I agree that the girl was simply seeking an adult to talk things over with and feel things out. She obviously doesn't have this support at home and it is a very confusing time and needs to talk. I think she knew asking you about her period was safe and you would keep talking with her, because quite frankly that is covered many times in school by her age and it's out there on the computer and in health books. I have a 15 yr old DD and I hope she can come to me and talk but if for some reason she is uncomfortable I hope my friends or neighbors can help her express her feelings. Pretty in Tink you didn't tell her a thing that isn't available on billboards so I wouldn't feel bad I would feel good that you helped this child get a grip on what is happening to her.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK, OP, my guess is that the 16 year old's mother doesn't like you any more than you like her. Since your attitude regarding her is pretty obvious through a post on the Internet, my guess is that it is glaringly obvious in person. I am sure it was also glaringly obvious to that 16 year old, despite your heroic attempts to disguise it, that you think her mother is a flaming *******. Way to go!

So the 16 year old kid doesn't have perfect parents...not many of us do. Most 16 year olds I know are relatively well-versed in how to use the Internet and can find Planned Parenthood...even a PP in another town miles away so Mama and the whole little gossipy town you live in won't find out. I was 16 years old in 1978...long before the "Age of Information" and my best friend, who was sexually active with her boyfriend, and I managed to find Planned Parenthood to get her on the pill without her mother knowing....amazing huh? My guess is that she knows the reaction she's going to get, which is why she was playing the "poor me I have such mean rotten parents" act on you, the "hip" neighbor next door.

Personally, I think you've helped her enough. If I was the mother, religious nut or not (and "religious nut" is really quite a subjective opinion, don't you think?) I'd be pissed at you for interfering with my kid.

 

[freckles and boo]

Considering all the cruel bashing a few days ago of the "20 year old with third set of twins", I would think that stepping up and helping a teenager deal with her sex questions would be applauded. While I wouldn't personally drive her anywhere or buy her anything, I would definitely steer her in the right direction as the OP did. Whatever the reason, she isn't talking to her mother about it. The fact that she actually reached out for advice shows some level of maturity.

 

[Planogirl]

I suspect that many of us had other adults that we went to for advice when we were growing up. My own mother would at best have been embarassed and at worst would have gone into hysterics if such things were brought up so I needed other people to explain things to me. I'm grateful that those people existed and that they didn't go talk to my mother.

 

[malibuconlee]

What a difficult situation for you to be in. However, I think it's great that this girl has gone to an adult she trusts for help. Isn't that what we were all taught in school to do if we couldn't go to our parents?

I think giving her information to make an informed decision was the right thing to do. I would not go to the mother with this. That would just break any sort of trust this girl has in you.

Maybe she came to you because of your youth. Even tho you seem wise/mature for your age because of your own family situation (teenage kids at 26!!) she probably sees you as being young and it's easier for her to talk to you because of that.

I don't have kids yet, but I would like to think that I'd be happy my kids found someone they could talk to these things about if they weren't comfortable talking to me.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I totally agree with you re: open communication with the kids.

Here's my thinking: She's 16! She has no business doing anything with boys other than holding hands and giggling about stepping on each other's toes when trying to slow dance. Were it my daughter, niece or neighbor's daughter, certainly wouldn't care if she never sees this boyfriend again. Don't worry about being friends with the daughter. You're the adult. Tell the mother.

How old is this boyfriend? I certainly hope for his sake he's not 18 or over.

He's 16 as well. I'm not worried about being friends with the daughter (or the mother), I just think Jane should be protected, that's all. We live in a world today where, like it or not, teenagers do IT. I say lets protect them the best we can.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I am sorry, but I feel that you are somewhat old fashioned in your thinking. In an ideal world, teenagers would never have sex, but in a realistic one, they do. Almost everyone I know lost their virginity at some point during high school. And like it or not, biologically it is what their bodies are telling them to do.
This poor girl needs someone to confide in. Shame on the mother for not being that person. Our job as parents is to eduacate our children so they can take care of themselves. This poor girl was never even told everything about menstruation? Whether it is 16 or 26, she is going to have sex eventually. Why wouldn't you want her to have the knowledge of how to protect herself from pregnancy and disease?
I absolutely do not think any good will come from telling the mother. And forbidding girls from seeing their boyfriends NEVER works. Where there is a will there is a way. I saw it many times in high school. If teens want have sex, they will. The best thing we can do is teach them abstinence, but also educate about the other stuff for when the time is right.

I agree with tthis totally. She's already doing it. The time has passed to preach abstinence. It's a done deal.

 

[PrettyInTink]

You're right that she may have not talked to her mother (though I cannot fathom why a 16 year old does not clearly understand menstruation), and your ideas about their logic make sense.

I think that's why I would stop before actually taking her to the clinic myself. But I can't see a downside to knowledge and I'd make sure she was armed with as much as possible.

She understands the basics, but she's never been showed a cycle chart, doesn't have a clue when she ovulates, and isn't allowed (by her mother of course) to use tampons, so she misses out on swimming when its her time. The tampon thing is because her mother says she will be "unpure" if she uses them.

 

[freckles and boo]

The tampon thing is because her mother says she will be "unpure" if she uses them.

This has a very "Carrie" vibe to it.

I hope if I ever lose my mind someone will be there to guide my daughters.

 

[smartestnumber5]

As others have said, I'd give her info about planned parenthood and send her there.

the mother also threatened saying "If you get pregnant, your car gets taken away (oh, yep, that'll keep her from doing IT ) AND that she will FORCE her to terminate the pregnancy, should it happen.
THIS is when I get REALLY ticked off and found it difficult to hold my composure. I told Jane that that is a choice she had legal rights to make for herself and that no one, not even her mom, could make that decision for her no matter how old she is.

I wanted to point out that actually the bolded part is not true if you've got a parental consent law in your state regarding abortion. In that case, Jane doesn't have any legal rights to decide what to do about a pregnancy. Her mother can force her to give birth, and as far as I know she can also force her to have an abortion.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Here's my thinking: She's 16! She has no business doing anything with boys other than holding hands and giggling about stepping on each other's toes when trying to slow dance. Were it my daughter, niece or neighbor's daughter, certainly wouldn't care if she never sees this boyfriend again. Don't worry about being friends with the daughter. You're the adult. Tell the mother.

Yea maybe on Little House on the Prairie but its unrealistic to think that is how it is now (heck it isn'[t even how it was when I was a teenager!!)

And, of course, this is not generally how things were done in Little House on the Prarie either. Girls were often married and having kids by the age of 16 back then.

 

[grlpwrd]

Ok, a little background: I am 26, dh is 42 with 2 teenagers. So I have been around the block with the birds and bees, protect yourself, know the facts, Aids/Hiv talk, yadayada. So yesterday our neighbor (girl, 16) comes to talk to me about IT. Apparantly she has a boyfriend and IT is happening.

She proceeds to ask me about the pill. Her mother wont put her on it because or religious beliefs (what an idiot, protect your child, fill her pockets full of condoms, jeez). So neighbor, we'll call her Jane, asks me how she can get the pill without her mother. I think clearly and instead of telling her how much of a nut her mother is, I say she should just talk to her mom about it and tell her how she feels. I also tell her to be honest with her mother because she should know if her child is ACTIVE so she can take proper precautions. Jane then tells me that the mother says NO WAY to the pill, she's tried to talk to her, and the mother also threatened saying "If you get pregnant, your car gets taken away (oh, yep, that'll keep her from doing IT ) AND that she will FORCE her to terminate the pregnancy, should it happen.
THIS is when I get REALLY ticked off and found it difficult to hold my composure. I told Jane that that is a choice she had legal rights to make for herself and that no one, not even her mom, could make that decision for her no matter how old she is. Jane then asks me ???'s about her monthly cycle. She says all mom told her is how to deal with it when it happens, didn't explain anything, no medicine for the cramps (again, against some wacko religious beliefs ). So I try to explain how this childs monthlies work so she will atleast know what is going on with her body! Why can't her mother do this!!!!! It's not rocket science and the girl is flying blind in the body awareness department.

So, I told her that she could go to any health department and get condoms for free. I also told her that the pill can be obtained the same way at our health department. I am a little worried that MonsterMom is going to find out somehow and get mad at me. Should I talk to the mom? I feel like it would only get Jane in trouble at this point. I tried to stay out of it and only give her straight answers but I feel like I kind of told her to go behind moms back. HELP! Any moms of teens out there with some insight???

She understands the basics, but she's never been showed a cycle chart, doesn't have a clue when she ovulates, and isn't allowed (by her mother of course) to use tampons, so she misses out on swimming when its her time. The tampon thing is because her mother says she will be "unpure" if she uses them

I think you're walking a fine line. It is nice that you are there for her, but then again her mom is responsible for her and they have religious beliefs which even if odd I don't think one should interfere. You are not her mother and in some ways you are overstepping your bounds....and your advice of "I told Jane that that is a choice she had legal rights to make for herself and that no one, not even her mom, could make that decision for her no matter how old she is." isn't really accurate because parent consent laws are different for each state.

I agree that you should refer her to Planned Parenthood, the health department, or even a school counselor.

 

[PrettyInTink]

OK, OP, my guess is that the 16 year old's mother doesn't like you any more than you like her. Since your attitude regarding her is pretty obvious through a post on the Internet, my guess is that it is glaringly obvious in person. I am sure it was also glaringly obvious to that 16 year old, despite your heroic attempts to disguise it, that you think her mother is a flaming *******. Way to go!

So the 16 year old kid doesn't have perfect parents...not many of us do. Most 16 year olds I know are relatively well-versed in how to use the Internet and can find Planned Parenthood...even a PP in another town miles away so Mama and the whole little gossipy town you live in won't find out. I was 16 years old in 1978...long before the "Age of Information" and my best friend, who was sexually active with her boyfriend, and I managed to find Planned Parenthood to get her on the pill without her mother knowing....amazing huh? My guess is that she knows the reaction she's going to get, which is why she was playing the "poor me I have such mean rotten parents" act on you, the "hip" neighbor next door.

Personally, I think you've helped her enough. If I was the mother, religious nut or not (and "religious nut" is really quite a subjective opinion, don't you think?) I'd be pissed at you for interfering with my kid.

Here's the thing: I don't hang out with the Mom, but we are next door neighbors, so at times we have to be around each other. I tried to establish a relationship (neighborly) with her but they are weird. They made their daughters (up until last year) wear ankle length skirts and long hair in public, but the mother didn't have to and almost every day she sits on her back porch and gets loaded and smokes cigars. It just seems like a bit of a "do as I say, not as I do" situation.
And remember, I did not interfere with her kid. Jane came up to bring us a bill that had made it to their mailbox by mistake and she just started pouring her heart out. What should I have done, kicked her out?
I am religious, I just don't believe that by believing in God I have to wear my hair a certain way or dress in long skirts. I also believe that children are not "owned" property, as I feel she is being treated. Her mother (in my presence) has used threat tactics frequently. I don't agree with that, that's not how dh and I and his exwife choose to raise our 2 kids, but its her perogative and not for me to interfere. But I kid of got thrown in the middle here.

 

[Serena]

I"ve talked to my kids but I've told them if they felt they needed to talk to someone else, they should. I've told them about planned parenthood, I've told them that any doctor would not be able to tell anyone else about what they are there for.
My oldest told me after the fact. I wasn't ready for that yet. But she was doing everything I told her to do to be careful.

I don't think you did anything wrong in talking to that child. Regardless to why she came to you.

 

[phillybeth]

The tampon thing is because her mother says she will be "unpure" if she uses them.

People still think that? Geez, my mom tried to lay that one on me back in the mid-80's.

OP, I think you have gone as far as you really can. You answered basic questions and told her where to go to get more info. It's up to the girl to act on it.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think you're walking a fine line.

I agree. It's very clear that the OP has a bias against this girls mother. Like you say, it's nice that the OP is there for her but there is a point where it's best not to get super involved in another familys relationships.

Just give her the number to a health clinic, giving her moral guidance is stepping over the line, IMO.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am religious, I just don't believe that by believing in God I have to wear my hair a certain way or dress in long skirts. I also believe that children are not "owned" property, as I feel she is being treated. Her mother (in my presence) has used threat tactics frequently. I don't agree with that, that's not how dh and I and his exwife choose to raise our 2 kids, but its her perogative and not for me to interfere. But I kid of got thrown in the middle here.

Your beliefs really have nothing to do with it. She is not your child.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I"m not going to read all the replies so sorry if this is a repeat. I'd give her all honest information she asks for. I'd also get her the numbers for planned parenthood. I wouldn't take her personally because that's crossing a line between parent and child I'd feel uncomfortable with.
I have three college kids. I'm also a christian who believes in abstinance. But I also work in the school system. I'm not stupid. I've told all my kids this is my values, I'd love for you to have them. But I wasn't a Christian when I was young, and didn't have to stick to them. God loves them no matter what they do. So I also give them info on prevention and tell them to use their health insurance card if they need to. I won't look at itemized bills from it. I also took my dd in for an ob/gyn appointment, stayed there in the beginning and left for the second half of the appt. when she was comfortable so she'd have a chance to talk to the dr. alone. I told both of my sis's if one of my kids came to them for this type of help because they didn't want to ask me I wouldn't be upset if they helped the kids. Anything is better then an unplanned pregnancy. I'm also anti-abortion and that would trouble me more then the pill.

 

[Keli]

I agree with what PoohandWendy is saying on this thread.
I also don't think the young lady is being honest and upfront with the OP but regardless she has now been given enough information to take care of her problem either way so now it would be better if the OP just steps back. There's really nothing else she should do at this point IMHO.