EEK! Teenage neighbor puts me in awkward position! What should I do?*Update! Page 4

[Mrs.Toad]

The tampon thing is because her mother says she will be "unpure" if she uses them.

People still think that? Geez, my mom tried to lay that one on me back in the mid-80's.

My mom already told me that was a outdated bunch of garbage in the late 70's. Who knew she was so progressive?

OP, I think you did the right thing. You answered her questions honestly and didn't go so far as to interfere. I wouldn't tell her mom that she talked to you.

If she's asking basic questions that she doesn't feel comfortable asking her mom, I think she deserves an answer. I often remind my girls they can tell me anything, and I hope that when they get to that stage they will come to me, but if for some reason they are uncomfortable doing so, like someone else said, I hope they get answers from another trusted adult.

 

[Beth76]

I think you're walking a fine line. It is nice that you are there for her, but then again her mom is responsible for her and they have religious beliefs which even if odd I don't think one should interfere.

They're obviously not the same religious beliefs held by the girl. OP, I don't think you're in a sticky situation. The girl asked some questions you answered them HONESTLY. There's nothing wrong with giving her information.

And I'd like to know how many of you adult women on this thread talk/ed to your mother about sex? Seriously, we had "the talk" when I was in 6th grade maybe. Then that was it. No other mention of sex or birth control from that point on. I didn't even like telling my parents that DH and I were expecting.

 

[barkley]

o.k.-i wanted to check the alabama laws before i posted because when i worked for social services it was in california and i know it varies a great deal state to state.

it APPEARS that the legal age of sexual consent in alabama is 16 (but many sites say this has been invalidated-so even those sites say to ASSUME that the legal age is 18), but there is no provision without a judicial order for a girl under 18 to terminate a pregnancy without parental consent.

a minor can receive confidental sexual education (stds, birth control, reproduction) at TITLE X clinics-these include places like local health departments. they can receive the same at places like planned parenthood. a minor can get a perscription for birth control pills at these types of places, but they will have to purchase them (the law talks about a sliding income scale-but honestly, i don't know that many teens know enough about their family income to provide the nesc. info for this). condoms can be gotten free of charge at these places.

that said-i think the best thing the op could do is tell the neighbor girl to access one of these clinics to get unbiased, confidential information. they will give her the facts, and she will have to personaly balance out any religious or moral beliefs she holds/her parents hold her to as a minor in their home.

 

[Tiggeroo]

when i was younger alot of ob/gyn's would give you a bunch of packs of the pill from samples if you didn't have a script card.

 

[PghLybrt]

I think what you did was wonderful. Whether or not it was your child or not you may have SAVED her life. She needed the information and she felt comfortable with you. I wish more adults would take responsibility and do the very same things instead of " Go ask your mom". There was a reason she asked you.
Bravo.

 

[PrettyInTink]

Ok, I am just back from the health department. I felt a little silly being in there but I knew this was the best thing to do. I spoke to a very nice lady that works there and she gave me all the information I needed. She says yes, they can prescribe the pill to a minor without parents consent as long as the child is 16 yo. She also said that she would be happy to provide condoms, literature, and personal guidance to Jane. She tried to send me home with the material to give to her myself but I refused, saying I thought it best for me to just pass on her card to Jane and let her decide to go further. So I have the lady's card and have given it to Jane and told her that that is all I am comfortable doing. I told her how important it is to communicate with her parents and that she should always be honest with them with everything (including this). Whether she tells them or not is up to her, and I am prepared to deal with a little backlash should her mother find out I am the one who pointed her in the direction of the health department.
Jane just left to go to the health department. I hope she finds what she needs there and that I handled this the best way I knew how.
I never had this problem as a teen. My mom is a nurse and was always very straight forward about things and there was nothing I couldnt ask her. I hope life gets better for Jane. She is a great young lady and I want to see her go far in life. Parents please don't shut your kids out with threats. You WANT your kids to come to you. Don't scare them away.

 

[Disney Doll]

Here's the thing: I don't hang out with the Mom, but we are next door neighbors, so at times we have to be around each other. I tried to establish a relationship (neighborly) with her but they are weird. They made their daughters (up until last year) wear ankle length skirts and long hair in public, but the mother didn't have to and almost every day she sits on her back porch and gets loaded and smokes cigars. It just seems like a bit of a "do as I say, not as I do" situation.
And remember, I did not interfere with her kid. Jane came up to bring us a bill that had made it to their mailbox by mistake and she just started pouring her heart out. What should I have done, kicked her out?
I am religious, I just don't believe that by believing in God I have to wear my hair a certain way or dress in long skirts. I also believe that children are not "owned" property, as I feel she is being treated. Her mother (in my presence) has used threat tactics frequently. I don't agree with that, that's not how dh and I and his exwife choose to raise our 2 kids, but its her perogative and not for me to interfere. But I kid of got thrown in the middle here.

No, you allowed yourself to be placed in the middle. You could have said "I don't feel comfortable discussing something so personal with you. You should be asking your parents".

Sorry...your dislike of her mother has colored your judegment on this one.

 

[JadenLayne]

I applaud you for what you did! Some people may think it's wrong but being the mom of a teen boy with teen girls that have come to me for the same type things I can tell you THEY SO NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO!!!!! There are so many parents out there who are cut and dried with,

YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX PERIOD.

Kids don't need to hear that, they are going through such a hard time and to just be blunt and to the point isn't what they need. They need to feel safe confiding in their parents. They need to feel safe in hearing the entire truth about everything. No matter what they are taught at home, when they get to school they are going to hear a bazillion other things from all the kids around them. Parents have to realize that kids are vaunerable (sp?). They don't "GET IT" about how dangerous sex, HIV, diseases are. They don't get totally what becoming pregnant would do. They haven't lived like we have as adults and they are confused. Yes parents should set rules but they should also be able to TALK about those rules and LISTEN to what their child says.

My mom and dad were wonderful parents. They raised me to not have sex but they would never ever talk to me about it. It was just simply sex is wrong don't do it. If you do it your going to be in big trouble. No explaining, no listening to what I went through as a teenager with my friends and boys. Even when I had been dating the same person for well over a year it was still pretty much, Sex is Wrong don't do it. I tried talking to my mom about loving my boyfriend and wanting to have sex....but nope she wouldn't hear it. Who did hear it? My friends, who were all having sex and said JUST DO IT!!!! I knew nothing about the health department and I didn't know anything about the choices I had. What happened? I was pregnant and married before my husband even graduated high school. Things might have been alot different for me, especially education wise had I had an adult to TRUST and TALK TO! I don't regret my son and I love my DH, we've been married for 16 years now but I do miss not finishing college.

They need someone to talk to, not someone to lay down the law and not waver.

Can you tell this is a subject that is really close to my heart? Teenagers are my heart because I feel like I've been there and KNOW what they go through. Some parents just don't understand!

 

[PrettyInTink]

No, you allowed yourself to be placed in the middle. You could have said "I don't feel comfortable discussing something so personal with you. You should be asking your parents".

Sorry...your dislike of her mother has colored your judegment on this one.

Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child.
Out of your very own signature. I did not place myself in the middle. I did what I could to help without overstepping boundaries. I am sorry you disagree, but hey- thats life! Atleast she wont end up knocked up now!

 

[Beth76]

OP, I think you're doing a good thing. Let her know where she can access the things she needs. There's nothing wrong with that. I just hope she follows through.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I applaud you for what you did! Some people may think it's wrong but being the mom of a teen boy with teen girls that have come to me for the same type things I can tell you THEY SO NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO!!!!! There are so many parents out there who are cut and dried with,

YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX PERIOD.

Kids don't need to hear that, they are going through such a hard time and to just be blunt and to the point isn't what they need. They need to feel safe confiding in their parents. They need to feel safe in hearing the entire truth about everything. No matter what they are taught at home, when they get to school they are going to hear a bazillion other things from all the kids around them. Parents have to realize that kids are vaunerable (sp?). They don't "GET IT" about how dangerous sex, HIV, diseases are. They don't get totally what becoming pregnant would do. They haven't lived like we have as adults and they are confused. Yes parents should set rules but they should also be able to TALK about those rules and LISTEN to what their child says.

My mom and dad were wonderful parents. They raised me to not have sex but they would never ever talk to me about it. It was just simply sex is wrong don't do it. If you do it your going to be in big trouble. No explaining, no listening to what I went through as a teenager with my friends and boys. Even when I had been dating the same person for well over a year it was still pretty much, Sex is Wrong don't do it. I tried talking to my mom about loving my boyfriend and wanting to have sex....but nope she wouldn't hear it. Who did hear it? My friends, who were all having sex and said JUST DO IT!!!! I knew nothing about the health department and I didn't know anything about the choices I had. What happened? I was pregnant and married before my husband even graduated high school. Things might have been alot different for me, especially education wise had I had an adult to TRUST and TALK TO! I don't regret my son and I love my DH, we've been married for 16 years now but I do miss not finishing college.

They need someone to talk to, not someone to lay down the law and not waver.

Can you tell this is a subject that is really close to my heart? Teenagers are my heart because I feel like I've been there and KNOW what they go through. Some parents just don't understand!

Thank you for sharing this
I have been having a really hard time with this, whats right, whats wrong- and I am happy with my decision to help, and also to urge her to TRy and talk with her parents. I don't know what life would be like if I didn't get a zillion phone calls a week from my stepdaughter with her asking me the "Is this normal?" questions. I'm so glad we have that relationship.

 

[PrettyInTink]

OP, I think you're doing a good thing. Let her know where she can access the things she needs. There's nothing wrong with that. I just hope she follows through.

Thank you very much! I discussed this with my dh before I did it and he agreed that knowledge is power, no matter where it comes from.

 

[Kath2003]

I don't get the flames. Jane could have found this out a gazillion other ways - google, friends, going to the health clinic herself. You didn't tell her anything she wouldn't have found out anyway, and you didn't tell her anything other than the facts. Hopefully your help will have saved her from STDs and unwanted pregnancies whereas her mother was happy to teach a naive stance which her daughter was already disobeying. Well done!

 

[disneynutt1225]

OP I think you did a great thing. I, for one, am glad that Jane trusts you enough to confide in you and you guided her without being pushy. I had several trusted adults that I went to when I was a teen. In fact, I was just teasing my parents the other day because we never had talks about sex - just that it wasn't done.

I was fortunate enough to have someone to talk to when I wasn't able to go to my parents. I think that talking to those trusted adults helped me not commit suicide in my teen years - I was a very emotional teen and a lot happened in my young life that changed me forever. Those people pointed me in the directions I needed to get help, and I will forever be grateful for being there when I couldn't go to my parents.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Something just doesn't sound right.

I find it hard to believe that in the year 2007 a 16 doesn't have a clue about birth control or her menstrual cycle. Even if her mother never sat down and talked to her, she could have found the correct information on her own. Surely she knows how to use the internet. What about textbooks. A 16-year-old is 11th maybe 10th grade. I assume she's had a health class by now which would have included sex education.

"I told Jane that is a choice she had legal rights to make for herself and that no one, not even her mom, could make that decision for her no matter how old she is."

Her mother may not be able to make the decision, but I think she should have some say in the matter. If Jane ends up pregnant and decides to keep the child, who do you think will end up paying for the added expense of another child in the home? Who will have to watch the child while Jane is in school and/or working?

And I'd like to know how many of you adult women on this thread talk/ed to your mother about sex? Seriously, we had "the talk" when I was in 6th grade maybe. Then that was it. No other mention of sex or birth control from that point on.

My mom had the official talk with my sister and I when we were in the 5th and 4th grade and the talks continued through our teen years.

I was a college freshmen when I decided I need to go on the pill. I called my mom and two days later there I received an airline ticket in the mail. Of course I could have gone to the county health department, but I never occurred to me. I always knew I would speak to my mom about it when the time came.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I don't get the flames. Jane could have found this out a gazillion other ways - google, friends, going to the health clinic herself. You didn't tell her anything she wouldn't have found out anyway, and you didn't tell her anything other than the facts. Hopefully your help will have saved her from STDs and unwanted pregnancies whereas her mother was happy to teach a naive stance which her daughter was already disobeying. Well done!

I don't get the flames either. I think some parents think they are the rulers of their childs world. Dictators, if you will. That is NOT a good way to raise a child. If you are not open and honest with their child they might be misinformed by someone else. I hope this mother gets her head out of the sand and starts listening to Jane. For all of their sakes! I know she doesn't want to be a Grandmother!

 

[Kath2003]

Her mother may not be able to make the decision, but I think she should have some say in the matter. If Jane ends up pregnant and decides to keep the child, who do you think will end up paying for the added expense of another child in the home? Who will have to watch the child while Jane is in school and/or working?

At the end of the day, the mother is the adult. She doesn't HAVE to keep Jane at home if she were to keep a baby, she doesn't HAVE to help her out in any way. As it is, the mother is doing more harm than good by not informing her DD of how NOT to get herself into that situation.

Jane is already having sex, that deal is signed and sealed. Now is the time to educate her on the ways in which sex can be practised SAFELY rather than labelling it "bad". Sex is not a bad thing, it just comes with a degree of responsibility. Jane needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own sexual health.

 

[PrettyInTink]

Something just doesn't sound right.

I find it hard to believe that in the year 2007 a 16 doesn't have a clue about birth control or her menstrual cycle. Even if her mother never sat down and talked to her, she could have found the correct information on her own. Surely she knows how to use the internet. What about textbooks. A 16-year-old is 11th maybe 10th grade. I assume she's had a health class by now which would have included sex education.

"I told Jane that is a choice she had legal rights to make for herself and that no one, not even her mom, could make that decision for her no matter how old she is."

Her mother may not be able to make the decision, but I think she should have some say in the matter. If Jane ends up pregnant and decides to keep the child, who do you think will end up paying for the added expense of another child in the home? Who will have to watch the child while Jane is in school and/or working?



My mom had the official talk with my sister and I when we were in the 5th and 4th grade and the talks continued through our teen years.

I was a college freshmen when I decided I need to go on the pill. I called my mom and two days later there I received an airline ticket in the mail. Of course I could have gone to the county health department, but I never occurred to me. I always knew I would speak to my mom about it when the time came.

Jane is in a church school, and met her boyfriend at church. She lives a VERY sheltered life, so no health class and very few friends other than church/small school friends.

 

[freckles and boo]

Something just doesn't sound right.

I find it hard to believe that in the year 2007 a 16 doesn't have a clue about birth control or her menstrual cycle. Even if her mother never sat down and talked to her, she could have found the correct information on her own. Surely she knows how to use the internet. What about textbooks. A 16-year-old is 11th maybe 10th grade. I assume she's had a health class by now which would have included sex education.

I think any assumption about a teenager having accurate information about sexuality is dangerous.

 

[PrettyInTink]

OP I think you did a great thing. I, for one, am glad that Jane trusts you enough to confide in you and you guided her without being pushy. I had several trusted adults that I went to when I was a teen. In fact, I was just teasing my parents the other day because we never had talks about sex - just that it wasn't done.

I was fortunate enough to have someone to talk to when I wasn't able to go to my parents. I think that talking to those trusted adults helped me not commit suicide in my teen years - I was a very emotional teen and a lot happened in my young life that changed me forever. Those people pointed me in the directions I needed to get help, and I will forever be grateful for being there when I couldn't go to my parents.

Thanks. I didn't want to overstep by guiding her to the health department, but I kept thinking about how it would feel to live kind of isolated and not have anyone to reach out to. I do wish she would just tell her parents everything, but due to the religious beliefs I think she is scared to embarrass, dissapoint, or shame her parents. I really feel for her.