Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[Disney Doll]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

Yes because there are no single parents in society today.

This is one of the silliest statements I have ever read.

 

[quandrea]

Now, other than a 2 year stint as a part time librarian (which I adored) and a little bit of paid work babysitting full time one year and as a camp counselor a few times, I have been out of the workforce for almost 18 years now.

Why? Well, things sort of evolved, and we chased my husband's career through 5 US states and now over to Germany (where I legally could not work the first three years, now I could, but there a couple of reasons it is not going to happen until at least when DD graduates in another year and a half).

My career was as an English teacher. It was not economically feasible to renew my license in each state, and eventually became impossible to renew it at all.

By chasing DH's career, our combined income (even thought it is really all from him) is much higher than it would have been to not move, his career would have been more stagnate and I could have a teacher'S salary to add to it. Furthermore, he really loves what he does and derives great pleasure from it. I, on the other hand, loved the students but was so frustrated by admin and parents that "giving up"teaching was not hard for me. I still work with kids as a scout leader, which gives me much of what I love, minus the frustrations (and income ).

My not having a career has also allowed me to be home and there for the kids with a spouse who travels often (up to 42 weeks in some years). If he is not even in the stae, he cannot call in sick some of the time if a child is ill and I needed to work, etc. It also allowed me to handle all the myriad of details that a cross country or international move with children in tow requires. I would swear the first 6 months (more like a year when we came to Germany, where I had to line up our visas, etc as well) it is nearly a full time job setting up new bank accounts, finding doctors and dentists and working with schools, etc

We are a team and a true partnership in every sense of the word. we both worked hard to get to where we are and made the decisions that were best for our family as a whole.

We DO have enough life insurance coverage that I should be able to go back to school and get a new degree, or new teaching licenses, should that become necessary due to DH's death or disability leaving him unable to continue in his career.

Honestly, and I know some call this naive, I think it is knowing my DH and believing in people, I do not think my DH would ever cheat on me or leave me. I guess I am taking a risk if he did, but I feel he is a good person who would not leave me in bind no matter what and I think a court in most places would see how our life has played out and grant me some decent percentage of our savings, and some support while going back to school if it came to that. I am also pretty resourceful, and know a lot of people ,and have some unique things to offer (if for no other reason than the way we have moved around) and I think I could get some work if I had to. Maybe not my ideal job, but I could manage--I am not helpless by any stretch.

My situation is very similar. I always knew I wanted to be home with our kids. It was and is my number one priority. I now homeschool, although that is fairly new.

When we married, we did so for life. We are a great team and both of us are fully committed to the partnership.

I know bad things happen. It would be difficult, but if something happened to dh we could sell the house and we have plans in place. I would have to return to work, which would be difficult but not impossible.

We have always thought having one parent at home was important. It's too bad our society is not set up to support that value system. There are Scandinavian countries that pay all their citizens a minimum income. Stay at home parents, work is valued an reneumerated. Our society only seems to value work outside the home. I think it's sad that raising children is no longer seen as real, valuable work. I know the work I do at home in one day is more fulfilling than the ten years I spent in the classroom teaching.

 

[Disney Doll]

I can't help but wonder, as I'm reading everyone's stories and experiences here, what their own backgrounds were as they relate to their own choices. I wonder if people who came from "stable" homes are more likely to put trust in their spouse as far as giving up their own careers and/or earning potential. Because it seems like people who've had a rough road may be less likely to do so. (Not exactly scientific but I do wonder about it.) Anyone care to comment - especially those who are SAHM or SAHD?

Of course, these thoughts are based on my own experiences. Watching some of the struggles I did, I resolved early on I would always be able to support myself. It was my mother's strongest advice to me, and it is also my advice to my own daughter. I, personally, think we have to prepare ourselves for anything that might come along whenever possible. (And that may look different to each individual.)

Interesting subject matter. My heart goes out to all those here who lived through difficult times.

I came from the quintessential 1950s Leave It To Beaver family. Working Dad. SAHM. Parents happily married then and happily married now, 60+ years later. A true partnership in every sense of the word. I don't underestimate the importance of having the luxury if one parent being at home.

That being said, my mother was fortunate that nothing ever happened to my father because our lives would have been QUITE difficult. Divorce, death, disability... It doesn't so much matter the reason, but more the impact.

Consequently I became an RN, so I'd always have the ability to support myself (and my family) should something happen.

 

[Disneyaddictz]

I can't help but wonder, as I'm reading everyone's stories and experiences here, what their own backgrounds were as they relate to their own choices. I wonder if people who came from "stable" homes are more likely to put trust in their spouse as far as giving up their own careers and/or earning potential. Because it seems like people who've had a rough road may be less likely to do so. (Not exactly scientific but I do wonder about it.) Anyone care to comment - especially those who are SAHM or SAHD? Of course, these thoughts are based on my own experiences. Watching some of the struggles I did, I resolved early on I would always be able to support myself. It was my mother's strongest advice to me, and it is also my advice to my own daughter. I, personally, think we have to prepare ourselves for anything that might come along whenever possible. (And that may look different to each individual.) Interesting subject matter. My heart goes out to all those here who lived through difficult times.

You're right on! Through my own mothers actions I learned to be independent, secure my own future. I watched my mom work 5 days a week 9-5 and she didn't necessarily have to but it was HER lively hood. She didn't push the idea that a woman should work I just learned that wanting a man in your life and having one was an amazing gift but shouldn't be needed to survive. I can't say whether I would stay home if I could because it's not even a thought, I know we could survive off my husbands pay but It just never crossed my mind, I feel the need to work or balance. I didn't respond to disagree with anyone, I am simply reminding everyone that we all make our own decisions and there is a reason why, a belief as to why it works for them. Perhaps because my mother was divorced from my father she taught me independence, perhaps because of that I know it's reality? Perhaps it's the reality of divorce or that it's possible, would I feel this if she had stayed married? Kind of crazy how someone else's actions can unintentionally change someone's thought process. To each their own!

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[Christine]

When we married, we did so for life. We are a great team and both of us are fully committed to the partnership.

I know bad things happen. It would be difficult, but if something happened to dh we could sell the house and we have plans in place. I would have to return to work, which would be difficult but not impossible.

We have always thought having one parent at home was important. It's too bad our society is not set up to support that value system. There are Scandinavian countries that pay all their citizens a minimum income. Stay at home parents, work is valued an reneumerated. Our society only seems to value work outside the home. I think it's sad that raising children is no longer seen as real, valuable work. I know the work I do at home in one day is more fulfilling than the ten years I spent in the classroom teaching.

I think a true, generalized statement would be that most people get married for life. That's the idea going in. Of course, there are exceptions.

It's not that our society does not value staying at home and raising children. I think it does. Sometimes, as a working parent, I think all of society is centered around kids with stay at home parents. There were many things I or my kids could not participate in because they occurred at times that I couldn't get them there and I wondered: aren't they taking into account that some parents work? Certainly much of the workforce is not overly friendly toward a working parent.

That said, our society is set up so that if you want to raise your children and not work, you better be prepared to do it on your own dime. I actually love the countries that have long-term maternity leave. But that comes at a price to the taxpayer. A big price. I don't think that these countries value stay at home parenting anymore than we do, they just have a different mindset on how to accomplish it.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I think a true, generalized statement would be that most people get married for life. That's the idea going in. Of course, there are exceptions.

It's not that our society does not value staying at home and raising children. I think it does. Sometimes, as a working parent, I think all of society is centered around kids with stay at home parents. There were many things I or my kids could not participate in because they occurred at times that I couldn't get them there and I wondered: aren't they taking into account that some parents work? Certainly much of the workforce is not overly friendly toward a working parent.

That said, our society is set up so that if you want to raise your children and not work, you better be prepared to do it on your own dime. I actually love the countries that have long-term maternity leave. But that comes at a price to the taxpayer. A big price. I don't think that these countries value stay at home parenting anymore than we do, they just have a different mindset on how to accomplish it.

I agree!

All our PTA meetings and 90% of volunteering are during the day. My schedule is flexible that I can take days off when I want to but I know most people's work schedules do not work that way.

I am DD's 4 th grade home room mom. Out of 24 kids in the class , we have 6 parents who signed up to help do parties, field trips etc .
Two moms who I've volunteered with in the past told me they just went back to work over the summer.
In their cases, their 2 oldest are going to college next year so it was time to go back to help out with added monetary expenses.

Our community is half and half I would say. Some womàn work some stay home. It may be starting to tilt though that some woman are going back to the workforce.

We could live on DH's salary but I like to work so we can have extras. The more I work the more extras we can have.
I was able to take off the whole time the kids were off for Christmas break.
I get bored easy and fall into a rut.
I know myself I could never be home all day everyday that the kids are in school.

 

[aprilgail2]

I came from the quintessential 1950s Leave It To Beaver family. Working Dad. SAHM. Parents happily married then and happily married now, 60+ years later. A true partnership in every sense of the word. I don't underestimate the importance of having the luxury if one parent being at home.

That being said, my mother was fortunate that nothing ever happened to my father because our lives would have been QUITE difficult. Divorce, death, disability... It doesn't so much matter the reason, but more the impact.

.

That was like my family-but my dad did die young, at 55 leaving behind a wife who did not have a job, drive or even know how to write out a check, she was a typical housewife of that time. Never in my life would I be left in that position!

 

[Acklander]

That may have been the case a few years ago, but the job market is tough these days. Someone with just volunteer work on the resume versus someone who's been working but may have been downsized? The person who's been working is going to get the job first. It may not be fair, but that's what's happening now.

Where I currently work they used to hire about half experienced and about half without experience to keep the business at full staff. Now, they only hire those with a strong work resume. Nothing against those without experience, but there are enough applicants with a proven track record so it cuts down on training and employee turnover. In the last 2 years was the first time in the history of the company (over 30 years) that they could pick and choose through applications that are experienced.

 

[luvsJack]

And you are right in theory, on all your points. However in practice what usually happens when one of the spouses decides they are done with the marriage for whatever reason, is that all that partnership stuff that was decided when people were happy and in love goes out the window.

The ex & the 2nd lover don't like sending $62/week so that the former spouse can "live it up" buying groceries.

Remember, the person you leave (or who leaves you) is not usually the person you married. I am fairly certain that my DH would not cheat on me. If he did, then I would not assume that all the other positive character traits that I have always admired in him would continue to hold true.

Well, sure, it does. But the decision to be a sahm is made when the marriage is working.

I don't preach the "never depend on a man" with her because I have seen that have bad affects too. I know a couple of women that grew up being told that and they have become very controlling with the men in their lives. I don't want that for her either.

I don't want her to go into marriage thinking she will never have to support herself or her family but I don't want her having this ingrained thought that he won't do it either.

 

[luvsJack]

That may have been the case a few years ago, but the job market is tough these days. Someone with just volunteer work on the resume versus someone who's been working but may have been downsized? The person who's been working is going to get the job first. It may not be fair, but that's what's happening now.

The job market is tough these days, but the skills the pp is talking about is for a secretary or administrative assistant. I have a technical degree for my job but its not require and has not been for any position I have held. The skills she has would be useful in any position I have held. Any one of the bosses I have had would look at her skills and volunteer work and talk to the references from that work.

I can't sit her and say that she would definitely get a job in her area with that resume, I don't know her area. But no one can really say that she most definitely would not either.

It is an employer's market right now. Our hiring committees look at several things when hiring. If they have applicants that have volunteer work and the skills but no job and others that have changed jobs several times, they aren't going to take the one that keeps changing jobs. Sometimes they also don't really want the applicant that has been at one position for man years, as sometimes their skills aren't as up to day and they are stuck in the ways of their old position, something that in our experience is hard to change.

Her best bet might to be to try within the school systems because again, those contacts she has made will help immensely.

 

[JanaDee]

It's not that our society does not value staying at home and raising children. I think it does.

You are reading a very different thread than I am. The contempt and disdain for SAHP in this thread is undeniable.

 

[Christine]

You are reading a very different thread than I am. The contempt and disdain for SAHP in this thread is undeniable.

Well, I do think it depends on your perspective. First off, I am not a SAHP, however, I am not seeing contempt and disdain at all. What I am reading are negative stories of what has happened often to women who stay home and women who do work are using those reasons as to why they chose to stay in the work force. Some of these stories are very negative and certainly there is an air of "how could you put yourself in that position" about the posts. Yet, I would not call it contempt and disdain. Either that or I have missed those posts. I do recall one post that "generalized" and said that they knew of women who specifically married so they would never have to work again. I don't think anyone believes that is the norm regarding SAHPs. Were we to be on a thread about children and working parents, there would be the same type of remarks in the other directions: you know, horror stories about day care and why a parent chose to stay home because of the horrors of day care and some particular incident that made them believe it is the worst thing in the world for a child and how could a parent do that.

This thread just happens to be more one-sided this time.

For many of the reasons stated on this thread, I probably could have never been a SAHP. It would be scary to me and I don't think I could put myself in the position. Having said that, it doesn't mean that I don't see the value in having one parent stay home or think that it's a bad idea. It's very individual. And while I've seen some AWFUL things happen to a few SAHMs, and one SAHD, I've also seen very successful examples where one parent stayed home and nothing bad ever happened.

 

[AustinTink]

The contempt and disdain for SAHP in this thread is undeniable.

It always is when these threads arise. SAHPs are just outnumbered in general, so our voices are rarely heard. You read much more of the horror stories about "I have a friend who"... lost it all, works three jobs now, got dumped after 30 years, blah, blah. blah than the success stories that are really out there.

Guess I'm just lucky because out of my group of dozens of friends who are stay-home moms, one got divorced (by her choice) and received a hefty settlement including half his retirement and additional stock. Yes, she works now, but he pays for over half of the household monthly expenses including 100% of the kids extras like sports fees, etc.

The rest of us are happily married to men who respect and honor our commitment to stay home with our kids. My husband asked me long before we married if I would consider staying home. It means a lot to him. He was a latch-key kid (his term) from age five. His mother is a wonderful woman and I love her and so does he. She had no other option. She left in the morning before he woke for school and came home after dinner. She was simply amazing in her sacrifices for him. I have the utmost respect for her.

My husband just wanted an easier life for his boy. And, that's ok too. Sometimes I think me being home and catering to him will make him soft. I'm sure many of you will agree. LOL! But, it's our family's personal decision. I think we all should just live and let live. As long as the kids are loved and cared for, and the parents love and respect each other... who are we to judge?

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Sometimes I think me being home and catering to him will make him soft. I'm sure many of you will agree. LOL! But, it's our family's personal decision. I think we all should just live and let live. As long as the kids are loved and cared for, and the parents love and respect each other... who are we to judge?

That has nothing to do with you not working. I do work and I still dote on my kids.

I get their breakfasts, pack their lunches and lay out their clothes.
I'm usually home when they get home so I have snacks waiting.

I know Im not doing them any favors and their future spouses will probably despise me. I love to spoil them though.

 

[DanInMN]

Nice free ride. My ex pays $150 per month in child support. My DD spends about $100 per month just on lunches at school. I'm totally living it up on my free ride...woo-hoo!

In MN child support for one child is 25% of his income, which is typical nationally (but states do vary). If he does not pay, they garnish his paycheck and tax return.

Perhaps your ex works a low level job, part time?

I paid my ex large sums for years, but when custody moved to me she actually had to pay me! Unusual, but true. She didn't have to pay much, because she didn't earn much.

 

[DanInMN]

Concerning my comment, every family is exactly the same.

Any adult -- man or woman -- should be able to support himself or herself, if the need should arise. A stay-at-home mom who has no work skills (or who has allowed her skills to become rusty) has made a foolish choice. It doesn't have to be a divorce; a person in this situation is one illness or accident away from disaster.

Doesn't mean staying home is a bad choice. The bad choice is being unable to earn a paycheck IF your circumstances should change in any way.

Best comment in thread!

With 50%+ of marriages ending in divorce, not to mention the possibility of a spouses illness/accident/death, means not having one's own career is dangerous, if not irresponsible.

As I have told my wonderful stepdaughter, she picked the best time in history to be born a girl. She can do anything she wants, and has... from playing hockey in High School, to being an exchange student in Germany, and now a nurse (admittedly, a traditionally female career, but it's what she wants). Women can be full contributors to the economy, and their family's finances... whether a CEO, engineer, physician, or whatever!

 

[luvsJack]

In MN child support for one child is 25% of his income, which is typical nationally (but states do vary). Perhaps your ex works at Walmart, part time?

Here it is 14% for one child, 20% for two.

And other things are taken into consideration. How much time is spent with each parent, payment of medical bills, etc.

My ex was a driller offshore, he was laid off. Went down to $150 a month then. $275 when he went back offshore. When my sons graduated from high school, it went down to $100 a month for their living expenses while in college.

 

[ilovemk76]

It always is when these threads arise. SAHPs are just outnumbered in general, so our voices are rarely heard. You read much more of the horror stories about "I have a friend who"... lost it all, works three jobs now, got dumped after 30 years, blah, blah. blah than the success stories that are really out there.

Guess I'm just lucky because out of my group of dozens of friends who are stay-home moms, one got divorced (by her choice) and received a hefty settlement including half his retirement and additional stock. Yes, she works now, but he pays for over half of the household monthly expenses including 100% of the kids extras like sports fees, etc.

The rest of us are happily married to men who respect and honor our commitment to stay home with our kids. My husband asked me long before we married if I would consider staying home. It means a lot to him. He was a latch-key kid (his term) from age five. His mother is a wonderful woman and I love her and so does he. She had no other option. She left in the morning before he woke for school and came home after dinner. She was simply amazing in her sacrifices for him. I have the utmost respect for her.

My husband just wanted an easier life for his boy. And, that's ok too. Sometimes I think me being home and catering to him will make him soft. I'm sure many of you will agree. LOL! But, it's our family's personal decision. I think we all should just live and let live. As long as the kids are loved and cared for, and the parents love and respect each other... who are we to judge?

A 1% divorcing is very different than a lower or average middle class divorce. They may have a very small retirement account but no stocks. The ex cannot afford half of the wife's expenses and his too.

 

[Christine]

SAHPs are just outnumbered in general, so our voices are rarely heard. You read much more of the horror stories about "I have a friend who"... lost it all, works three jobs now, got dumped after 30 years, blah, blah. blah than the success stories that are really out there.

This is sort of true about everything, though, right? I belong to an online thyroid cancer support group. Thyroid cancer is one of the better cancers to have to deal with. Many, many people get thyroid cancer and all goes really well. Yet if you participated in the online support group and saw all the bad stories, you might change your tune about thyroid cancer!!! People who are having an easy time of things, generally, are not vocal about it. Knowing that, I know that there are many marriages with one parent at home that go exceedingly well and there are never any problems. I do believe that this thread's intention was to discuss how hard it is if things don't go so well.

As another person said upthread, with half of all marriages ending in divorce, along with a crazy economy, the risks of devastating financial consequences are there. I don't think any person, though, really intends to lump the sucessful stories into that mix and claim that they don't exist. They most certainly do.

 

[ilovemk76]

I came from the quintessential 1950s Leave It To Beaver family. Working Dad. SAHM. Parents happily married then and happily married now, 60+ years later. A true partnership in every sense of the word. I don't underestimate the importance of having the luxury if one parent being at home.

That being said, my mother was fortunate that nothing ever happened to my father because our lives would have been QUITE difficult. Divorce, death, disability... It doesn't so much matter the reason, but more the impact.

Consequently I became an RN, so I'd always have the ability to support myself (and my family) should something happen.

This is my background too. I am not an RN but have a college degree and work in my field of study.