Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[Gumbo4x4]

My husband is a personal finance writer, and he always tells people that divorce is one of the most financially devastating things you can do to yourself. Which is ironic, because so many people get divorced over money. But it's like going from the frying pan into the fire!

It is ironic. And I'm not sure how ANYONE thinks things will be easier "financially" with the same total income now supporting 2 households where they previously struggled with 1.

 

[DisReno]

really you know that for fact. Well then my best friend must had had one old school judge because she came alway with an excellent financial settlement including the majority of the retirement acct, paid health insurance for two years and spousal support. But unlike most women she didn't get emotionally invested. At the advice of her atty she treated it like it was a business deal. She just ended up with the better end of the deal. The judge had no problem signing off on their agreement. He got the house but she didn't care because there was very little equity in it. So let him deal with the payments. But of course divorce law varies by state. And if you're in a community property state you are entitled to half of everything unless there is an enforceable prenup.

I don't even know what you are saying. Maybe put down the glass of wine, use capital letters and punctuation, and write a clear sentence that actually makes sense. Jeez.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I don't even know what you are saying. Maybe put down the glass of wine, use capital letters and punctuation, and write a clear sentence that actually makes sense. Jeez.

#1 comment in this thread.

 

[MSLRAC]

Does it happen sometimes? Of course, everything happens occasionally. But divorcing husbands get good attorneys as well. They also have the current job and the earning power that far swamps anything a SAHM is going to be able to go out and get after years out of the workforce.

The days of women being able to count on any true help from a divorcing spouse beyond child care -- if he chooses to pay it -- and health care for the kids have long gone.

In the majority of families, there's barely enough money to support one family well, much less two.

Exactly, I'm sure it does happen on rare occasion but every friend that I've had go through it (in multiple states), spousal support is based on the husband's disposable income and there rarely is any especially after a child support order. And the few times friends did get anything, it was a small amount and it was short term.

 

[runsandjumps]

These threads are always so fascinating. I have a lot of people in my life who are divorced/ or on the fence and it is devastating for everyone involved.

I keep my toes in my field, but you know what I have so many skills from helping my husband run his business that I feel I could be an asset to an employer. I might have to strong arm and charm my way into a good position but I am tough enough to handle the challenge. Listen if you can take care of kids, either as a SAHP or a work outside parent- you got skills that can pay the bills.

You just have to put the right spin on things to get the job.

Ana

 

[ReneeA]

I saw what happened when my parents divorced after 23 years of marriage, with a large majority of that time my mom spent being a SAHM. In her case, kids were all grown and graduated from high school, and they didn't have much to "split". I would never, ever, never put myself in that position. It's not that uncommon for people to completely change in their midlife, and if one wants out, there's not a whole lot the other can do about it.

 

[disykat]

One of the biggest things IMO that makes life good is having choices. I'm so fortunate that I've always had choices, as have the women (and men) in my life. My grandmothers both had careers at times, stayed home at times, worked part time at times, based on what worked for them and their families. My mother did the same. I did the same. Every single one of us was educated and capable. I feel very fortunate not to have been limited.

Personally I've always found what makes people unhappy is being limited and not having choices. It's really beyond my comprehension why some people want to take away possible choices.

Like I've said before, the new attitude towards SAHMs in the legal system probably will mean legal paperwork needs to be in place for families who decide one spouse will put their career on hold.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't even know what you are saying. Maybe put down the glass of wine, use capital letters and punctuation, and write a clear sentence that actually makes sense. Jeez.

It makes perfect sense

When my cousin divorced a few months before me, she got a good chunk of child support, her ex had to provide her with a vehicle and pay for her to go back to school. He also continued to provide health insurance for her and her child.

My child support was set at one amount and raised a few months later. He got the house (I didn't want it), I kept my car and some household things. He paid the kids insurance.


Many years later, when my brother divorced, his wife did get a portion of his retirement along with other things.

Different attorneys seem to advise different things, different judges grant different things. You can't count on the divorce settlement being a certain way.

 

[MrsPete]

because not every family is the same.

Concerning my comment, every family is exactly the same.

Any adult -- man or woman -- should be able to support himself or herself, if the need should arise. A stay-at-home mom who has no work skills (or who has allowed her skills to become rusty) has made a foolish choice. It doesn't have to be a divorce; a person in this situation is one illness or accident away from disaster.

Doesn't mean staying home is a bad choice. The bad choice is being unable to earn a paycheck IF your circumstances should change in any way.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Staying home doesn't mean we loose skills. I've gained many skills being a SAHM. I volunteer in the schools and if I get divorced I can use the skills gained from that to help get a job. I have a couple of friends that used those skills to find work. Managing 4 kid with different schedules has helped me gain time management skills. I have used excel to budget or schedules.
I'm on the computer a lot for the volunteer positions I've held and have improved my typing skills.
If I have to go back to work yes it will have to be an office type job like administration or something to start off but I have the skills to start there.

With those skills, you could do my job and I do pretty good.

 

[Acklander]

Seriously? Are you really saying that SAHMs don't contribute to the partnership?

Of course there are benefits when both spouses work. There are also benefits when one spouse stays home. Many families find that the work/life balance for their entire family is better when one spouse focuses primarily on the family without work. Why on earth should this option go away because people like you don't consider it the best option?

Some people seem to think that in order for society to best function everyone should make the same choices they do. IMO, society benefits when people have the freedom to choose what works best for each individual family.

I never said SAHMs don't contribute to the partnership or that the option should go away. Where did you get that? I was responding to the person who stated that they think the divorce rate has gone up because woman are now able to support themselves and that in the old days people would just suck it up and live in bad marriages with cheating spouses. I think it's a good thing that women can leave bad marriages. Don't you think that's a good thing?

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Staying home doesn't mean we loose skills. I've gained many skills being a SAHM. I volunteer in the schools and if I get divorced I can use the skills gained from that to help get a job. I have a couple of friends that used those skills to find work. Managing 4 kid with different schedules has helped me gain time management skills. I have used excel to budget or schedules. I'm on the computer a lot for the volunteer positions I've held and have improved my typing skills. If I have to go back to work yes it will have to be an office type job like administration or something to start off but I have the skills to start there.

Really?

Ummm ok!
U think this will actually get you a job vs someone already in the workforce?

 

[aprilgail2]

Really?

Ummm ok!
U think this will actually get you a job vs someone already in the workforce?

LOL

 

[lvillotta1]

I am a single mom by choice. That being said if I had chosen to get married I would have always worked as an RN. Keeping my license up would have always been a priority. I would have had my own retirement acct,savings acct,checking acct,and emergency fund. I know many SAHM who have good marriages for the most part. 1 friend has her own Roth IRA and takes X amount of money from the household acct and has her own savings account that is hers only. Choosing to be a SAHM is great,but do not get blind sighted. You always need to take care of you first. This means having your own savings,Roth IRA and enough money put away for 6-8mos of emergency fund. Also make sure to have a 1-2 million life insurance on yourself. If you end up getting divorced make sure you change your beneficieary on you policy to another family member in the event you have young children. Most marriages do not last these days. Glad I chose to stay single.

 

[Art 1]

I am a single mom by choice. That being said if I had chosen to get married I would have always worked as an RN. Keeping my license up would have always been a priority. I would have had my own retirement acct,savings acct,checking acct,and emergency fund. I know many SAHM who have good marriages for the most part. 1 friend has her own Roth IRA and takes X amount of money from the household acct and has her own savings account that is hers only. Choosing to be a SAHM is great,but do not get blind sighted. You always need to take care of you first. This means having your own savings,Roth IRA and enough money put away for 6-8mos of emergency fund. Also make sure to have a 1-2 million life insurance on yourself. If you end up getting divorced make sure you change your beneficieary on you policy to another family member in the event you have young children. Most marriages do not last these days. Glad I chose to stay single.

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I am a single mom by choice. That being said if I had chosen to get married I would have always worked as an RN. Keeping my license up would have always been a priority. I would have had my own retirement acct,savings acct,checking acct,and emergency fund. I know many SAHM who have good marriages for the most part. 1 friend has her own Roth IRA and takes X amount of money from the household acct and has her own savings account that is hers only. Choosing to be a SAHM is great,but do not get blind sighted. You always need to take care of you first. This means having your own savings,Roth IRA and enough money put away for 6-8mos of emergency fund. Also make sure to have a 1-2 million life insurance on yourself. If you end up getting divorced make sure you change your beneficieary on you policy to another family member in the event you have young children. Most marriages do not last these days. Glad I chose to stay single.

I think you as a single person may have a distorted view of what actually happens to those "solo" accounts in the event of a divorce.

 

[ms.yt]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

Stigma? Really? It's almost 2014, not 1950.

 

[drinkme]

Really? Ummm ok! U think this will actually get you a job vs someone already in the workforce?

I thought this too.

 

[MSLRAC]

I thought this too.

I did as well.

 

[MSLRAC]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

Stigma? Are you serious?