Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[luvsJack]

Really?

Ummm ok!
U think this will actually get you a job vs someone already in the workforce?

Actually it could. She just needs to know how to word her resume to reflect those skills and be able to get her skills across in an interview.

Volunteer work should always be listed on a resume. Sometimes the skills from those are better than the ones from a paying position because they can vary a lot more rather than doing the same thing all the time.

Additionally, volunteering in a school system may have given her some great contacts and that can be invaluable. Knowing someone that knows someone can help a great deal in obtaining a decent position.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Actually it could. She just needs to know how to word her resume to reflect those skills and be able to get her skills across in an interview.

Volunteer work should always be listed on a resume. Sometimes the skills from those are better than the ones from a paying position because they can vary a lot more rather than doing the same thing all the time.

Additionally, volunteering in a school system may have given her some great contacts and that can be invaluable. Knowing someone that knows someone can help a great deal in obtaining a decent position.

This is very true!! I have seen this happen over the years in our school system.

 

[Acklander]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

Seriously??? You think their is a stigma attached to a child with a single parent? What kind of people do you hang out with???

 

[1girln3boys]

Actually it could. She just needs to know how to word her resume to reflect those skills and be able to get her skills across in an interview. Volunteer work should always be listed on a resume. Sometimes the skills from those are better than the ones from a paying position because they can vary a lot more rather than doing the same thing all the time. Additionally, volunteering in a school system may have given her some great contacts and that can be invaluable. Knowing someone that knows someone can help a great deal in obtaining a decent position.

Thank you!! I've done many different positions. Right now I hold a president position. I've also arranged food to feed an entire HS of around 2400 students for a food frenzy day. I've also do it at an elementary level for a carnival.
I've been doing it since my Senior was in Kinder.
I have a pretty good reputation in the schools and have been nominated for several groups.
I now some may think these skills are a joke or whatever but I have developed many skills through the years.
I've seen different friends do the same thing and have had no problem entering the job field.

 

[arminnie]

I think it is important to have skills and work experience. But it's okay to take some time off if you need to.

I've been out of the work force for a decade but I have people beg me to come to work for them because of my experience.

Even if there is never any divorce, accidents and illness can happen to anyone. Wouldn't you want to be able to financially take care of your spouse if he became disabled?

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Actually it could. She just needs to know how to word her resume to reflect those skills and be able to get her skills across in an interview. Volunteer work should always be listed on a resume. Sometimes the skills from those are better than the ones from a paying position because they can vary a lot more rather than doing the same thing all the time. Additionally, volunteering in a school system may have given her some great contacts and that can be invaluable. Knowing someone that knows someone can help a great deal in obtaining a decent position.

I volunteer at my kids school because I want to. I dont consider it part of my life skills.
I've also been on the PTA board and headed committees since my kids have entered school.

For two years I was the chairperson of the yearbook. Another mom and I single handed put together the whole yearbook.
Edited it and sent it for print. Do I feel that gives me experience in the workforce for anything? No! Do I mention it in interviews? Heck no! I would be looked at like I had 2 heads.

Its a kids yearbook, not People magazine.
More people are working longer and jobs are more competitive and difficult to find for people who actually work in a paying job in the field they are applying for.

Anything is possible but in this economy I wouldnt bank on volunteering and using excel for my kids activities schedule , legitimate experience over someone with paid job skill experience.

 

[luvsJack]

I volunteer at my kids school because I want to. I dont consider it part of my life skills.
I've also been on the PTA board and headed committees since my kids have entered school.

For two years I was the chairperson of the yearbook. Another mom and I single handed put together the whole yearbook.
Edited it and sent it for print. Do I feel that gives me experience in the workforce for anything? No! Do I mention it in interviews? Heck no! I would be looked at like I had 2 heads.

Its a kids yearbook, not People magazine.
More people are working longer and jobs are more competitive and difficult to find for people who actually work in a paying job in the field they are applying for.

Anything is possible but in this economy I wouldnt bank on volunteering and using excel for my kids activities schedule , legitimate experience over someone with paid job skill experience.

I can't even tell you how many jobs I have been offered for simply answering the question "Have you used Excel?" with "yes" I love using it for many things so never understood that but apparently its greek to some people.

I volunteer because I want to too but that doesn't make it any less valuable. Having the ability to head up huge events, organize groups of people or kids to accomplish something, etc. can be great skills.

And, again, it can be the contacts you obtain. My now boss is the husband of one of the former principals at the school my kids attended. Now, as it happens, I didn't get my original job at our campus through him, but it sure didn't hurt when I wanted to move up and into my current position.

You don't just say "I edited a yearbook". Its about the organizational skills, the fund raising, the talking to business leaders about donations or selling advertising or whatever went into the making of the yearbook. Its all in how you word it.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I can't even tell you how many jobs I have been offered for simply answering the question "Have you used Excel?" with "yes" I love using it for many things so never understood that but apparently its greek to some people. I volunteer because I want to too but that doesn't make it any less valuable. Having the ability to head up huge events, organize groups of people or kids to accomplish something, etc. can be great skills. And, again, it can be the contacts you obtain. My now boss is the husband of one of the former principals at the school my kids attended. Now, as it happens, I didn't get my original job at our campus through him, but it sure didn't hurt when I wanted to move up and into my current position. You don't just say "I edited a yearbook". Its about the organizational skills, the fund raising, the talking to business leaders about donations or selling advertising or whatever went into the making of the yearbook. Its all in how you word it.

And I guess it all depends on the skills you need for the job you are applying for.

In my field no amount of wording is going to get me a job simply by saying , I use excel or any of the other volunteer work Ive done.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I can't help but wonder, as I'm reading everyone's stories and experiences here, what their own backgrounds were as they relate to their own choices. I wonder if people who came from "stable" homes are more likely to put trust in their spouse as far as giving up their own careers and/or earning potential. Because it seems like people who've had a rough road may be less likely to do so. (Not exactly scientific but I do wonder about it.) Anyone care to comment - especially those who are SAHM or SAHD?

Of course, these thoughts are based on my own experiences. Watching some of the struggles I did, I resolved early on I would always be able to support myself. It was my mother's strongest advice to me, and it is also my advice to my own daughter. I, personally, think we have to prepare ourselves for anything that might come along whenever possible. (And that may look different to each individual.)

Interesting subject matter. My heart goes out to all those here who lived through difficult times.

 

[christineann]

Absolutely true, luvsjack. It certainly worked out that way for me when I was separated and newly divorced with young children.

My brain apparently did not turn to jelly

To answer Pea-n-Me's question, I have a college and post-graduate degree and am self supporting. My parents were married over 60 years until my dad died two years ago.

My son got married 2 years ago, and he and his now-wife had decided they were not even going to get engaged until they both had degrees and jobs in their major fields. They pay mortgage insurance for the first five years of their mortgage and will then consider starting a family. Smart young people!

 

[NHdisneylover]

HI Pea N Me, I will share my experiences (which do not include being divorced myself, so this is not really related to the OP, only the follow up discussion).

I don't think my home was super stable when I was a kid, but it was not super unstable either.

My parents divorced when I was a few months old and actually remarried one another when I was 4 (nearly 5). They divorced again in their late 40s, after I was an adult out on my own (more precisely, my dad left my mom; she was totally taken by surprise, even though she does agree it was clear they did not get along well for decades).

For income, my mom had a steady job most of my life. She has no college education but worked as a service rep for the phone company and did okay.
My dad was a career DJ, which is a very unstable job. When he had work, we did fine, when he did not we struggled and he filled in with anything he could get, from rural paper delivery to taxi driving to selling used cars. I never went hungry, but I do recall lots of worry about car break downs (and we drove older cars that we fixed ourselves as much as possible), possibly losing the house (we were able to sell it before it came to that, thank goodness), etc.

So that is my background.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Now, other than a 2 year stint as a part time librarian (which I adored) and a little bit of paid work babysitting full time one year and as a camp counselor a few times, I have been out of the workforce for almost 18 years now.

Why? Well, things sort of evolved, and we chased my husband's career through 5 US states and now over to Germany (where I legally could not work the first three years, now I could, but there a couple of reasons it is not going to happen until at least when DD graduates in another year and a half).

My career was as an English teacher. It was not economically feasible to renew my license in each state, and eventually became impossible to renew it at all.

By chasing DH's career, our combined income (even thought it is really all from him) is much higher than it would have been to not move, his career would have been more stagnate and I could have a teacher'S salary to add to it. Furthermore, he really loves what he does and derives great pleasure from it. I, on the other hand, loved the students but was so frustrated by admin and parents that "giving up"teaching was not hard for me. I still work with kids as a scout leader, which gives me much of what I love, minus the frustrations (and income ).

My not having a career has also allowed me to be home and there for the kids with a spouse who travels often (up to 42 weeks in some years). If he is not even in the stae, he cannot call in sick some of the time if a child is ill and I needed to work, etc. It also allowed me to handle all the myriad of details that a cross country or international move with children in tow requires. I would swear the first 6 months (more like a year when we came to Germany, where I had to line up our visas, etc as well) it is nearly a full time job setting up new bank accounts, finding doctors and dentists and working with schools, etc

We are a team and a true partnership in every sense of the word. we both worked hard to get to where we are and made the decisions that were best for our family as a whole.

We DO have enough life insurance coverage that I should be able to go back to school and get a new degree, or new teaching licenses, should that become necessary due to DH's death or disability leaving him unable to continue in his career.

Honestly, and I know some call this naive, I think it is knowing my DH and believing in people, I do not think my DH would ever cheat on me or leave me. I guess I am taking a risk if he did, but I feel he is a good person who would not leave me in bind no matter what and I think a court in most places would see how our life has played out and grant me some decent percentage of our savings, and some support while going back to school if it came to that. I am also pretty resourceful, and know a lot of people ,and have some unique things to offer (if for no other reason than the way we have moved around) and I think I could get some work if I had to. Maybe not my ideal job, but I could manage--I am not helpless by any stretch.

 

[kate_wdw]

While SAHPs without recent work experience may be able to sell their volunteer experience in order to obtain a job, how likely is it that they could get a job that would pay enough to support themselves and their kids or even cover the cost of childcare? There are many parents who don't work because they can't afford to (that is, the cost of childcare and other work related expenses is higher than their earning potential).

 

[christineann]

Good question, kate. My volunteer work at the schools played a role in the job offers at the schools. When both of my kids were in elementary school, I was a director of the after school program, so my kids attended the program at no charge. That was a very good arrangement.

NHdisneylover, you and your husband truly are a partnership, and I wish I'd had that.

 

[kellyg403]

I can't help but wonder, as I'm reading everyone's stories and experiences here, what their own backgrounds were as they relate to their own choices. I wonder if people who came from "stable" homes are more likely to put trust in their spouse as far as giving up their own careers and/or earning potential. Because it seems like people who've had a rough road may be less likely to do so. (Not exactly scientific but I do wonder about it.) Anyone care to comment - especially those who are SAHM or SAHD?

Of course, these thoughts are based on my own experiences. Watching some of the struggles I did, I resolved early on I would always be able to support myself. It was my mother's strongest advice to me, and it is also my advice to my own daughter. I, personally, think we have to prepare ourselves for anything that might come along whenever possible. (And that may look different to each individual.)

Interesting subject matter. My heart goes out to all those here who lived through difficult times.

Actually, in my case, I think it was the total opposite! I grew up in a family that was nothing but hate and discontent. My parents have been married for 40 years and have fought every single day of those 40. There was alcoholisim, financial issues...I could go on. When I married, my intent was to have the Leave it Beaver type family. Whatever my dh wanted, that is what I wanted. I went in thinking that all future family happiness relied on me making everything perfect. And it wasn't. I didn't take a clear picture of where I should be, needed to be, nothing. When the kids started coming, I was still working. I stayed working because the extra funds helped. We were stationed at the time close to family so they helped with sitting so daycare expenses were less. When we were stationed in another state, I began job hunting as soon as we were settled. Yes, it was 'just' secretarial work, but it was money. To make a long store short, ex dh became accustomed to doing absolutely nothing while I was home. He liked not doing anything around the house except go to work. Me staying home at the time was what I thought was a mutual decision based on the happiness of my dh.

The reality turned out to be that you never divorce the person you thought you married. I don't have a single friend who has gone through the process that wasn't utterly stunned at the person they married while going through a divorce.

Do I think SAHP should live off the ex? Nah. I think both people should do what is right for the kids so their life is as consistent as possible. If the working parent wants to leave the relationship, leave. But give the other spouse the opportunity to get things going. The leaving spouse was able to put forth 100% effort in their career because there where no obligations to miss work for a sick child or a dr's apt or meet the furnace guy. So, yes, I do think there should be a time frame where the SAHP is given the chance to get on their feet. Not in a situation where they are making the same amount of money as the spouse because that isn't going to happen. But making enough to live on. Child support is 1/2 of the children's needs...not the whole amount. But honestly, I don't know anyone who can tell you 1/2 of their childrens needs (and yes food and rent are factored in) is 150.00 a month. Its laughable.

Its a hot button topic. I agree in some areas, disagree in others. Where there is a will there is a way. I made it out just fine. Yes, I had to have one job to pay the bills and one to pay daycare. But, the harder years are over and honestly when you ask the kids, most of their fondest memories are from those years. We had to improvise and go cheap, but we had fun.

Kelly

 

[Acklander]

I'm from a long line of working women. My grandmother worked as a nurse and was married to a manual laborer,. My parents owned a mom and pop business and worked side by side. I've always worked because I enjoy working. Dh and I have worked it out where the home front is shared and we both contribute to the bank acct. there were some years that he earned more than me, and there were some years I earned more than him. So, I'd guess we both contributed about the same amount financially. I'm hoping to be one of those people who works at something up until the day I die. If we were to divorce or one of us were to die, we would face challenges, but either one of us could continue on and support the family unit on our own, so that leaves us with a sense of security.

 

[Disney Doll]

But it should be his responsibility to support his children. And if the two of them came to a decision in the marriage for the wife to stay home with the children, that should be taken into consideration.

What I have tried to teach dd is that a marriage is a partnership. And the partners should be able to agree one what each needs to do to support the marriage and family. If that means both working or one working and one staying at home, it should be an agreement. Additionally, that she should wait until she gets a degree and a career and can make that decision (to stay home) knowing that if she needs to she can still work in her chosen field.

And you are right in theory, on all your points. However in practice what usually happens when one of the spouses decides they are done with the marriage for whatever reason, is that all that partnership stuff that was decided when people were happy and in love goes out the window.

The ex & the 2nd lover don't like sending $62/week so that the former spouse can "live it up" buying groceries.

Remember, the person you leave (or who leaves you) is not usually the person you married. I am fairly certain that my DH would not cheat on me. If he did, then I would not assume that all the other positive character traits that I have always admired in him would continue to hold true.

 

[Missy1961]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

Hello, it's 2014.

 

[Missy1961]

Actually it could. She just needs to know how to word her resume to reflect those skills and be able to get her skills across in an interview.

Volunteer work should always be listed on a resume. Sometimes the skills from those are better than the ones from a paying position because they can vary a lot more rather than doing the same thing all the time.

Additionally, volunteering in a school system may have given her some great contacts and that can be invaluable. Knowing someone that knows someone can help a great deal in obtaining a decent position.

That may have been the case a few years ago, but the job market is tough these days. Someone with just volunteer work on the resume versus someone who's been working but may have been downsized? The person who's been working is going to get the job first. It may not be fair, but that's what's happening now.

 

[Disney Doll]

really you know that for fact. Well then my best friend must had had one old school judge because she came alway with an excellent financial settlement including the majority of the retirement acct, paid health insurance for two years and spousal support. But unlike most women she didn't get emotionally invested. At the advice of her atty she treated it like it was a business deal. She just ended up with the better end of the deal. The judge had no problem signing off on their agreement. He got the house but she didn't care because there was very little equity in it. So let him deal with the payments. But of course divorce law varies by state. And if you're in a community property state you are entitled to half of everything unless there is an enforceable prenup.

Your friend must have had a very old school
Judge because frankly for all the women I've known who have gotten divorced, they didn't get that much of a deal. She's quite fortunate.