Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[JanaDee]

I do believe that this thread's intention was to discuss how hard it is if things don't go so well.

You're right. I'll bow out now.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I agree!

All our PTA meetings and 90% of volunteering are during the day. My schedule is flexible that I can take days off when I want to but I know most people's work schedules do not work that way.

I am DD's 4 th grade home room mom. Out of 24 kids in the class , we have 6 parents who signed up to help do parties, field trips etc .
Two moms who I've volunteered with in the past told me they just went back to work over the summer.
In their cases, their 2 oldest are going to college next year so it was time to go back to help out with added monetary expenses.

Our community is half and half I would say. Some womàn work some stay home. It may be starting to tilt though that some woman are going back to the workforce.

We could live on DH's salary but I like to work so we can have extras. The more I work the more extras we can have.
I was able to take off the whole time the kids were off for Christmas break.
I get bored easy and fall into a rut.
I know myself I could never be home all day everyday that the kids are in school.

These all factored into DW quitting her full time job to work part time at the school. Aside from the fact she just wanted more time with the kids, there just were too many conflicts that didn't allow us to get the kids into things like swimming lessons and such.

And her being available to be with the kids has allowed me to increase MY hours at work, so that has offset some of the salary drop. I know it sometimes bothers her to see that discrepancy. When she worked full time, she not only had more hours, she also had a much better hourly rate. She used to make about 75% of what I made. This last year, it was less than 25% of what I made. But, I have to remind her that without her availability, my salary would go down, we'd have daycare expenses, the kids would have to quit various activities, etc. Her contributions to this family are at least as important as mine, even if there isn't a big dollar sign associated with them

 

[RadioFanatic]

There is also another reason to stay in the workforce. My dh unexpectedly lost his job. If I had not had one, we would have had an even worse situation.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

There is also another reason to stay in the workforce. My dh unexpectedly lost his job. If I had not had one, we would have had an even worse situation.

That is one we went through in 2002, and it is one thing we sometimes worry about with DW's current low salary (and lack of medical benefits).

 

[DanInMN]

There is also another reason to stay in the workforce. My dh unexpectedly lost his job. If I had not had one, we would have had an even worse situation.

I was out of work for 2 years during the "Great Recession". I had unemployment for part of the time, wrote and published a book, and started a small business... worked 16 hrs/day to stay afloat. My working wife helped a lot! Unlike so many others who ran through their retirement funds and lost their house, we came through okay. Now I have a great full time job, plus the book sales and small business on the side.

 

[DanInMN]

Here it is 14% for one child, 20% for two.

And other things are taken into consideration. How much time is spent with each parent, payment of medical bills, etc.

My ex was a driller offshore, he was laid off. Went down to $150 a month then. $275 when he went back offshore. When my sons graduated from high school, it went down to $100 a month for their living expenses while in college.

That is really low... $275 is 14% of $1964/mo, so he was not earning a lot.

Regarding the layoff, had you still been married his income would have disappeared completely, other than unemployment.

I paid for all of my son's college, plus my stepdaughter's too. It was so much easier/nicer than dealing with ex's. I was fortunate to be able to afford it, sort of.

 

[aprilgail2]

My husband asked me long before we married if I would consider staying home. It means a lot to him. He was a latch-key kid (his term) from age five. His mother is a wonderful woman and I love her and so does he. She had no other option. She left in the morning before he woke for school and came home after dinner. She was simply amazing in her sacrifices for him. I have the utmost respect for her.

I have the total opposite view- my mom was ALWAYS there, when I came home from school, there she was. When I got up in the morning, there she was. I just wanted some quiet alone time with no one else home but I never seemed to get that. It caused some conflict as a teenager because I just wanted some time with no one there, no one talking to me or bothering me. I always said I would be sure to give my daughter her space and let her be without being home in her face 24/7.

Here it is 14% for one child, 20% for two.

And other things are taken into consideration. How much time is spent with each parent, payment of medical bills, etc.

My ex was a driller offshore, he was laid off. Went down to $150 a month then. $275 when he went back offshore. When my sons graduated from high school, it went down to $100 a month for their living expenses while in college.

That is crazy low- for 2 kids here its 25 percent- the guys at work pay about 300-350 a WEEK child support for 2 kids. Plus have to pay a percentage of their college too.

 

[luvsJack]

That is really low... $275 is 14% of $1964/mo, so he was not earning a lot.

Regarding the layoff, had you still been married his income would have disappeared completely, other than unemployment.

I paid for all of my son's college, plus my stepdaughter's too. It was so much easier/nicer than dealing with ex's. I was fortunate to be able to afford it, sort of.

That's what the base is in this state now; its not what I got. We divorced in 1987 and he made $3000 a month then as a driller. I don't know what the laws read back then, only what my attorney got for me. But, it was what it was and I was able to support me and the kids.

He was laid off from that job but immediately started working under the table hanging sheetrock, brick laying, painting and stuff like that. Still made good money just didn't claim all of it.

But, you know, I was lucky. He paid every month. He paid the medical bills like he was supposed to. And the support supplemented what I made so that they never went without anything.

And we lucked out with college too. They both got scholarships to go with what dh and I were prepared to pay. The $100 went in their account to pay for expenses like gas or supplies or pizza if they wanted it.


14% is low. I think the child support laws in this state stink. But, otoh, I think it stinks when a couple divorces and the woman takes the attitude that he should pay enough to completely support the family while having to support a separate household for himself too. So, I guess nothing about divorce is really fair.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I have the total opposite view- my mom was ALWAYS there, when I came home from school, there she was. When I got up in the morning, there she was. I just wanted some quiet alone time with no one else home but I never seemed to get that. It caused some conflict as a teenager because I just wanted some time with no one there, no one talking to me or bothering me. I always said I would be sure to give my daughter her space and let her be without being home in her face 24/7.

In our case, it's DW who could use a little space from the kids now and then

 

[ilovemk76]

That is really low... $275 is 14% of $1964/mo, so he was not earning a lot.

Regarding the layoff, had you still been married his income would have disappeared completely, other than unemployment.

I paid for all of my son's college, plus my stepdaughter's too. It was so much easier/nicer than dealing with ex's. I was fortunate to be able to afford it, sort of.

The income is lower than that, since she had two boys with him. $275 is 20% of $1375/month. There are 4.3 weeks per month, so he made $320/week.

 

[luvsJack]

The income is lower than that, since she had two boys with him. $275 is 20% of $1375/month. There are 4.3 weeks per month, so he made $320/week.

Actually, he didn't. He worked 7/7 on an oil rig as a driller. He made quite a bit more. I don't remember what he made per hour but worked 80 hours or more while on the rig. He averaged about $3000 a month before the divorce. But he did insure them and pay the medical bills. And like I said, this was a long time ago.

14% is the law now, I have no idea what it was then.

 

[Hutchy]

I had been a stay at home wife for almost 8 years while my ex was in the Army. It was a decision we made together. However 6 months after he got out of the Army he blindsided me with divorce saying he "wasn't happy and just wanted to start over". I had no idea it was coming. I absolutely regret not having my own career. Thankfully I found a good job fairly quickly that paid over minimum wage but I still can't afford to live on my own and 2 years later I'm still with my parents. Not exactly my long term plan in life. I am planning a career change in the next year but it takes time to get back on your feet.

 

[lvillotta1]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

Excuse ME!!!!!! You need to rethink your thoughts and words. Stigma!!!! Wrong word. Kids that are raised my single parents are often times far better off than those who are raised by 2 parents.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Thank you to those who answered my question!

 

[sookie]

I think that for many people, a divorce is not an emergency (of course, that excludes any sort of abuse or situation that places either spouse or children in any danger).

If possible, if a stay at home parent plans to leave - that person should try to line up a job or begin / finish an education before leaving. If the other spouse jumps ship and leaves - that really doesn't lend itself to that suggestion.

I think that everyone should consider what their personal options would be if they had to return to the workforce if they are currently a stay at home parent. What if your spouse or partner died? Sure, life insurance might get you by. But most people will need to return to work at some point. Everyone should be prepared to return to work if needed (my opinion) and be self sufficient.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well, sure, it does. But the decision to be a sahm is made when the marriage is working.

I don't preach the "never depend on a man" with her because I have seen that have bad affects too. I know a couple of women that grew up being told that and they have become very controlling with the men in their lives. I don't want that for her either.

I don't want her to go into marriage thinking she will never have to support herself or her family but I don't want her having this ingrained thought that he won't do it either.

How do you define controlling?

 

[sookie]

You may be glad to be single, but think of the stigma your child has to endure.

That is a pretty crazy statement.

I'm not sure you are really able to say that unless you have been divorced or are a single parent yourself.

Unless you are the one judging the children of single parents...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I came from the quintessential 1950s Leave It To Beaver family. Working Dad. SAHM. Parents happily married then and happily married now, 60+ years later. A true partnership in every sense of the word. I don't underestimate the importance of having the luxury if one parent being at home.

That being said, my mother was fortunate that nothing ever happened to my father because our lives would have been QUITE difficult. Divorce, death, disability... It doesn't so much matter the reason, but more the impact.

Consequently I became an RN, so I'd always have the ability to support myself (and my family) should something happen.

This was my parents' era, too. Unfortunately, we hit the situation you describe in your second paragraph and my mother was woefully unprepared for dealing with it. I did not want to ever find myself in that position.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Best comment in thread!

With 50%+ of marriages ending in divorce, not to mention the possibility of a spouses illness/accident/death, means not having one's own career is dangerous, if not irresponsible.

As I have told my wonderful stepdaughter, she picked the best time in history to be born a girl. She can do anything she wants, and has... from playing hockey in High School, to being an exchange student in Germany, and now a nurse (admittedly, a traditionally female career, but it's what she wants). Women can be full contributors to the economy, and their family's finances... whether a CEO, engineer, physician, or whatever!

I have a question for you. Going back to when you first got married (first marriage) - what were your expectations of your wife back then?

I just wonder if people going into marriage quite young actually think this through very well, especially if they marry prior to completing their education, etc.?

 

[ReneeA]

I don't have any ill will or bad feeling about SAHMs. I stayed home with my kids until they were 3 & 4 (while taking online & night courses for much of that time ). Personally, I want to have the security of an education and career because I don't want to struggle as my mother did if something unexpected happens. Nobody wants to believe it will happen to them, but it does...everyday. People decide to divorce, people die, people lose their jobs. Two good incomes is just another security measure.