did your son in law ask your permission to marry your daughter? and how?

[Coconut36]

No, I put the emphasis on my family having long and lasting marriages to point out that not all of "us" are disgusting. Glad it made you laugh though, I've certainly had a few myself.

No you put it out there to imply your way was the right way as you have a "long history of lasting marriages" as it wasn't relevant to the discussion at hand. That is what made it so amusing.

The longevity of marriage has nothing to do with asking for permission.

Nobody called anyone personally disgusting but did call the custom disgusting, offensive and antiquated. I can't find any other words for it. Nobody said "wow if anyone asks her father their marriage will fail quickly" (except in reference to things like "my DH/boyfriend/fiance knows not to do that" )

 

[violetrose]

DH is very traditional but not sexist in ANY way. So asking my father for his daughters hand in marriage seemed respectful and traditional for him. He did kind of tell him though, not ask permission from what I have been told it went like thiswhile playing golf)
DH: I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. How do you feel about that?
My dad: Please, take her! But, what are you crazy? The women in my family are nuts! Especially my daughter. You have a chance still, don't do it!
DH: lol I love her. I know she's crazy and I love it.
My dad: Well, don't say I didn't warn you. Good luck. I already think of you as my son and it's great that you kids want to get married.

I did take DH's last name because I wanted to. I am traditional like that too.

Funny.

No you put it out there to imply your way was the right way as you have a "long history of lasting marriages" as it wasn't relevant to the discussion at hand. That is what made it so amusing.

The longevity of marriage has nothing to do with asking for permission.

Nobody called anyone personally disgusting but did call the custom disgusting, offensive and antiquated. I can't find any other words for it. Nobody said "wow if anyone asks her father their marriage will fail quickly" (except in reference to things like "my DH/boyfriend/fiance knows not to do that" )

Hmmm, actually quite a few people said they would not want their daughters to marry the sort of man who would ask for a marriage blessing. I just thought it relevant in light of those comments and "put it out there" to make note that not every man who asks for a woman's hand in marriage is the type you need to steer clear of. And at that point, I think we are at an impasse on the matter, but thanks for playing!

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

DH had a converstation with my dad where he basically informed him that he was going to propose, but there wasn't any actual asking of permission. If you're traditional enough to have your dad walk you down the aisle, I think running the idea past him is also acceptable.

Hmmm...then my DH should have asked my manager (and my DH used to work with me so my manager was his former supervisor and a good friend of his LOL)

 

[chobie]

Funny.



Hmmm, actually quite a few people said they would not want their daughters to marry the sort of man who would ask for a marriage blessing. I just thought it relevant in light of those comments and "put it out there" to make note that not every man who asks for a woman's hand in marriage is the type you need to steer clear of. And at that point, I think we are at an impasse on the matter, but thanks for playing!

Again, nobody said that a marriage would end quickly if the man asked the father permission. Just because some of us would not want our daughters to marry a man like that does not mean that we think it would a short-lived marriage.

 

[srferson]

Hmmm, actually quite a few people said they would not want their daughters to marry the sort of man who would ask for a marriage blessing. I just thought it relevant in light of those comments and "put it out there" to make note that not every man who asks for a woman's hand in marriage is the type you need to steer clear of. And at that point, I think we are at an impasse on the matter, but thanks for playing!

I agree completely.

If you see the tradition as insulting and sexist, I understand where you're coming from. But anyone who honestly thinks that every man who approaches the parents before proposing is sexist and not worth marrying is being extremely close minded and judgmental.

My husband asked my parents when we were visiting them, out having lunch, and I was away from the table. He already knew that they love him and would have no problems. And even if they did have a problem with it, it's not like it would actually stop him from proposing.

My family is definitely not old-fashioned or sexist. For instance, my father stayed home to raise the kids while my mother worked full time (this was in the 70's, btw).

And my husband is definitely not old-fashioned or sexist. For instance, not only was he fine with me not taking his name, he actually suggested that he'd be happy to take my last name because he likes it and feels his is boring. (In the end, we've both just kept our own last names.)

I wouldn't have expected him to ask them. But he loves my parents and he wanted to, so he did.
Just like he wouldn't have expected me to have my father walk me down the aisle, but I love my father and wanted to, so I did.

You can't assume you know someone's personality because of one tradition they choose to follow.

 

[leebee]

Hmmm, actually quite a few people said they would not want their daughters to marry the sort of man who would ask for a marriage blessing. I just thought it relevant in light of those comments and "put it out there" to make note that not every man who asks for a woman's hand in marriage is the type you need to steer clear of. And at that point, I think we are at an impasse on the matter, but thanks for playing!

Actually, I thought of it more as I wouldn't want my daughter marrying someone who considers her chattel, who considers her owned by us. I don't want my daughter marrying someone who thinks it's more important to explain to us that he will love, honor, and cherish her than it is to tell HER. I also don't want my daughter to be asked by someone who is willing to share his intents before asking her... what if she doesn't want to marry him? This would be humiliating to them both. I just don't understand why the guy gets to decide, he gets to ask her father if it's OK, but SHE is the one who is the marriage partner. I hope that when DD marries, she will marry someone with whom she made the mutual decision to spend her life with, someone who respects her as an individual and loves her for who she is... and that's NOT someone owned by DH and me!

For those of you who say asking parental permission to marry the daughter is sweet and a tradition, done out of respect, here's what I really don't get: He respects you enough to ask you for permission to marry your daughter, but will go ahead and marry her even if you say no. So where's the respect? Should we just follow a tradition because it's something that's always been done? I can think of LOTS of things that were tradition in this country that thankfully have been abolished!! I don't want to open that ugly can of worms by coming up with a list; I'm sure you can think of them on your own! I just don't see the logic here.

DH and I have been married for 26 years and lived together a long time before that. I was so insulted when I learned, YEARS after the fact, that he asked my mother about marrying me before he asked ME. It still hurts me to know he did that, although as he said, he thought that was what he was supposed to do, and didn't really think of the implications of doing so and what it really meant. FWIW, my DH would fit in well on "Big Bang Theory," so I'm not really surprised. He was pretty apologetic, but it still makes me grumbly when I think about it.

 

[srferson]

Actually, I thought of it more as I wouldn't want my daughter marrying someone who considers her chattel, who considers her owned by us. I don't want my daughter marrying someone who thinks it's more important to explain to us that he will love, honor, and cherish her than it is to tell HER. I also don't want my daughter to be asked by someone who is willing to share his intents before asking her... what if she doesn't want to marry him? This would be humiliating to them both. I just don't understand why the guy gets to decide, he gets to ask her father if it's OK, but SHE is the one who is the marriage partner. I hope that when DD marries, she will marry someone with whom she made the mutual decision to spend her life with, someone who respects her as an individual and loves her for who she is... and that's NOT someone owned by DH and me!

For those of you who say asking parental permission to marry the daughter is sweet and a tradition, done out of respect, here's what I really don't get: He respects you enough to ask you for permission to marry your daughter, but will go ahead and marry her even if you say no. So where's the respect? Should we just follow a tradition because it's something that's always been done? I can think of LOTS of things that were tradition in this country that thankfully have been abolished!! I don't want to open that ugly can of worms by coming up with a list; I'm sure you can think of them on your own! I just don't see the logic here.

DH and I have been married for 26 years and lived together a long time before that. I was so insulted when I learned, YEARS after the fact, that he asked my mother about marrying me before he asked ME. It still hurts me to know he did that, although as he said, he thought that was what he was supposed to do, and didn't really think of the implications of doing so and what it really meant. FWIW, my DH would fit in well on "Big Bang Theory," so I'm not really surprised. He was pretty apologetic, but it still makes me grumbly when I think about it.

So, what you're saying is that your husband considers you chattel.

 

[sookie]

i don't know if my husband asked. i guess i should ask. however, my parents were involved, because my mother took my husband to her jeweler because he asked for her help pick out the ring.

 

[cc1013]

This has nothing to do with the thread, but I don't usually like small dogs but... that dog in your avatar is so cute! All sitting and pondering adorably.

It's SO FLUFFY [/Despicable Me]

Thanks! That is our shih-tzu, Buster, as a puppy. He has quite the personality!

 

[Pigeon]

As I read through this thread, I was amazed by the offense this gesture provokes. Other traditions came to mind and I wonder how many people are equally offended by white dresses and women taking their husband's last name.

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

I've been married 30 years. I did not change my name and never would. The old ladies who worked at the town hall told me that I had to change it and it would cause all sorts of problems if I didn't. It has never caused a bit of difficulty.

The only person who had a hard time with it was MIL, but with proper training, she's learned to cope. When dh's brother married, his new wife thanked me profusely for breaking MIL in to the concept, as she had no intention of changing her name, either.

I do think it's a stupid tradition and I do hope it will die out eventually. I hope my dds keep their name, but that's up to them to decide.

 

[disykat]

I changed my name because I wanted to. I also wore a white dress because I wanted to. DH really didn't have input into those decisions; he didn't care. They were my choice.

I probably would have had issues if my husband had gone and discussed those things with my parents unbeknownst to me and then asked me to do what had been decided!

 

[leebee]

So, what you're saying is that your husband considers you chattel.

No, what I clearly wrote is that my husband did it because he thought he was supposed to and didn't consider the implications of doing so or what it really meant. When I found out and we talked about it, he was very apologetic; I believe I clearly wrote that, also. Did you not read these things at the end of my post?

 

[cornflake]

I read along because my father had stage four cancer and I was making sure I left nothing unsaid that I'd regret. I apologized that dh didn't ask him for permission. He told me that he never asked my grandfather either. He told me he wasn't worried about me because I had a great marriage and husband.

As I read through this thread, I was amazed by the offense this gesture provokes. Other traditions came to mind and I wonder how many people are equally offended by white dresses and women taking their husband's last name.

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

Yes! Is the time for that not long, long past? I know of very, very few people who still do this and I think it's odd when people do.

 

[srferson]

No, what I clearly wrote is that my husband did it because he thought he was supposed to and didn't consider the implications of doing so or what it really meant. When I found out and we talked about it, he was very apologetic; I believe I clearly wrote that, also. Did you not read these things at the end of my post?

I did indeed.

What I read seems to me to be a double standard. What I read was two paragraphs of rude assumptions and generalizations about any man who would ask the parents before proposing.

Then I read a third paragraph where you explained that even though your husband asked your mother, he does not actually fit in the rude generalizations you just wrote because he didn't view the act in the same negative light that you do. He just saw it as 'what you do' (in other words, the custom or tradition) and is sorry that it hurt you because you do view it in such a negative manner even though that is not at all what he was thinking at the time he asked.

My husband would be apologetic too if it hurt me. Truth be told, I'd prefer he not ask my parents. However, I understand that he was viewing it in a different light that has nothing to do with me being someone's property. In the same way that I had my father walk me down the aisle. It wasn't because I felt that anyone saw me as property to be given away. It was a custom I followed for my own reasons that had zero to do with the negative connotations that one could attach to it.

Again, I understand the view that the custom is old-fashioned. In fact, it's a view I agree with. However, I detest the implications that any man who follows the custom must be a sexist jerk who views their wife as property and is unfit to marry.

 

[macraven]

"A cat always lands on its feet.
And toast always lands buttered side down.
So what happens if I strap a piece of buttered toast to my cat's back and drop him? "





i laugh everytime i read that.

trying to decide which of my two cats i should use with the toast......

 

[srferson]

"A cat always lands on its feet.
And toast always lands buttered side down.
So what happens if I strap a piece of buttered toast to my cat's back and drop him? "





i laugh everytime i read that.

trying to decide which of my two cats i should use with the toast......

When you decide, let me know how it goes.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

"A cat always lands on its feet.
And toast always lands buttered side down.
So what happens if I strap a piece of buttered toast to my cat's back and drop him? "





i laugh everytime i read that.

trying to decide which of my two cats i should use with the toast......

Well..that was kind of OT. Now I am craving English muffins.

 

[disneydreamingdebby]

Regardless of the tradition's origin, I think that changing my name to my husband's helped us create our own family. This way our daughters have the same name to easily identify us as a family. Since my brother has a son, my maiden name will continue. Maybe I should convince my daughters (if they marry...in many, many years) to have their husbands take our name to continue it into future generations.

 

[SaraJayne]

Yes! Is the time for that not long, long past? I know of very, very few people who still do this and I think it's odd when people do.

You know of very few women that took their husband's name? Or are you referring to speaking to parents?

 

[belledreamer]