did your son in law ask your permission to marry your daughter? and how?

[violetrose]

Obviously a strike has no consequences, just as a blessing has none. Many people who think the tradition is great have said they would ignore the answer if they didn't agree with it.


One way or the other, it could affect a potential inlaw relationship and cause the parent to harbor some concerned feelings about the union.

Clearly the person who considers it a "strike" is just stating their feelings, just as the people who consider it great are when they want that tradition followed.

My gut feeling is that most people don't care that much, and would try to take it in the spirit it is presented.

I'm one for whom it would be a "strike." That doesn't mean I'd foam from the mouth and refuse to come to the wedding. I'd simply tell the groom to be that I won't be talking with him about a potential wedding unless they both come to me having made that decision because I believe that's a decision they should make together.

Actually, before I read this thread it would never have occurred to me that there are people out there who would care that much. Most people who did oppose such a tradition would just do as you said, tell the FSIL that it's the couple's decision to make and that you weren't comfortable granting a blessing without both parties involved. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

However, you have people on this thread saying they would not want their daughter marrying someone who would ask beforehand. I find that incredibly closed minded truth be told, and a sweeping generalization. I'm not sure how that is any better than someone who would ask for a woman's hand in marriage - actually it seems a whole heck of a lot worse. JMO!

 

[violetrose]

Another thing I'm curious about if people wish to share... How many of you were actually surprised when proposed to? My husband and I had already been talking about it for a long time. We both knew it was what we wanted, it just hadn't been made "official" yet.

I was completely surprised. My parents weren't though.

(that was 32 years ago though...back when I was a subscriber of Ms. magazine. No Gloria Steinem haters here. )

 

[srferson]

Perhaps it's not the first place that everyone's mind goes, but if it even occurs to a man to ask a woman's father to marry her, it seems to me that we haven't progressed nearly far enough.

While I understand where you're coming from, I do disagree. Again, for the same reasons I didn't think of myself as property when my father walked me down the aisle and I don't think your soul is being thrown from your body when you sneeze and I say 'Bless you.' Sometimes meanings and motivations simply change over time.

However, you have people on this thread saying they would not want their daughter marrying someone who would ask beforehand. I find that incredibly closed minded truth be told, and a sweeping generalization. I'm not sure how that is any better than someone who would ask for a woman's hand in marriage - actually it seems a whole heck of a lot worse. JMO!

I agree completely.

 

[Andtototoo]

Many women on FB use their maiden name so people that knew them before they were married can find them.

I had my maiden name on my FB account...doesn't mean I use it in my every day life.

Actually, I asked people and they told me either they kept their name or returned to it. It was not guess work on my part.

But I have to ask -- if you use your maiden name on your FB account, how do people who know you by your married name find you?

 

[MrsDuck]

My fiance asked my dad.

He went to his office and asked him. I don't know what they talked about because neither will tell me!!

 

[punkin]

My fiance asked my dad.

He went to his office and asked him. I don't know what they talked about because neither will tell me!!

Well, honey, just don't worry your pretty little head about that. It was just "man talk."

 

[SaraJayne]

Actually, I asked people and they told me either they kept their name or returned to it. It was not guess work on my part.

But I have to ask -- if you use your maiden name on your FB account, how do people who know you by your married name find you?

When I had my FB account, I had Sara Maiden Married name. The same as all my married friends.

 

[Coconut36]

However, you have people on this thread saying they would not want their daughter marrying someone who would ask beforehand. I find that incredibly closed minded truth be told, and a sweeping generalization. I'm not sure how that is any better than someone who would ask for a woman's hand in marriage - actually it seems a whole heck of a lot worse. JMO!

Huh? If a man my daughter was marrying felt she was property he needed to ask permission to acquire how is that a good thing?

I see nothing wrong in finding offense in it..just as you would if he treated her poorly. To me asking for her like that would be a sign he has no respect for her and that would be something I wouldn't like.

Would there be consequences for it? Not anymore than when asked a father says "no" and they get married anyway. It would be a negative perception of the person and their action/treatment of her.

 

[Saphire]

Permission? No. But both of my newly engaged sons approached the future in laws to: inform them of their intent, invite them into the process, and though unspoken and unrequired...hope to receive a blessing/approval of the plan.

It is a really nice feeling to know both families are circling around each couple, with confirmation, love and support.

 

[disykat]

Actually, I asked people and they told me either they kept their name or returned to it. It was not guess work on my part.

But I have to ask -- if you use your maiden name on your FB account, how do people who know you by your married name find you?

The people who know me well enough for me to be concerned about that know my maiden name or even recognize through the accounts of mutual friends. That's not a concern to me in the least. I am on there that way specifically because I don't want everyone who knows my married name to be able to look me up.

 

[srferson]

Huh? If a man my daughter was marrying felt she was property he needed to ask permission to acquire how is that a good thing?

I see nothing wrong in finding offense in it..just as you would if he treated her poorly. To me asking for her like that would be a sign he has no respect for her and that would be something I wouldn't like.

Would there be consequences for it? Not anymore than when asked a father says "no" and they get married anyway. It would be a negative perception of the person and their action/treatment of her.

You really aren't getting it at all.

You are placing words into someone else's mouth and judging them based on it. Not based on what they are actually thinking, but based on what you assume they're thinking.

Guess what? When I pass you on the street on Easter day and say 'Happy Easter,' it's not because I actually believe Jesus rose from the dead. I'm being courteous.

I'd honestly have no problem with someone expressing their feelings in any way they choose. Talk to him about it. Tell him how you view this tradition. Lecture him for an hour on what this means to you. Or do what my father did and simply say 'Why are you asking me?' But don't automatically make horrible assumptions about other people! It's an awful thing to do and you wouldn't want someone making assumptions about you based on only one thing you did or said that someone else misconstrued.

*sigh* I don't know why I keep posting. Clearly those who don't understand why it's not okay at this point are not going to get it just because I keep repeating myself. It just breaks my heart that people are so quick to judge each other in such horrible ways.

 

[Pigeon]

You really aren't getting it at all.

You are placing words into someone else's mouth and judging them based on it. Not based on what they are actually thinking, but based on what you assume they're thinking.

Guess what? When I pass you on the street on Easter day and say 'Happy Easter,' it's not because I actually believe Jesus rose from the dead. I'm being courteous.

I'd honestly have no problem with someone expressing their feelings in any way they choose. Talk to him about it. Tell him how you view this tradition. Lecture him for an hour on what this means to you. Or do what my father did and simply say 'Why are you asking me?' But don't automatically make horrible assumptions about other people! It's an awful thing to do and you wouldn't want someone making assumptions about you based on only one thing you did or said that someone else misconstrued.

*sigh* I don't know why I keep posting. Clearly those who don't understand why it's not okay at this point are not going to get it just because I keep repeating myself. It just breaks my heart that people are so quick to judge each other in such horrible ways.

I wouldn't be putting words in anyone else's mouth. I would be judging their actions. Those actions reek of disrespect for my daughter as an independent person.

 

[Coconut36]

I wouldn't be putting words in anyone else's mouth. I would be judging their actions. Those actions reek of disrespect for my daughter as an independent person.

This is it exactly...I am not the one not getting it nor am I putting words in anyone else mouth. It is the act of asking that is extremely disrepsectful to the woman as an independent person.

 

[srferson]

I wouldn't be putting words in anyone else's mouth. I would be judging their actions. Those actions reek of disrespect for my daughter as an independent person.

This is it exactly...I am not the one not getting it nor am I putting words in anyone else mouth. It is the act of asking that is extremely disrepsectful to the woman as an independent person.

As I've said, I agree that the tradition is old-fashioned and I'd like to see it die out. But I'm capable of acknowledging that my way of seeing things is not the only way of seeing things. Therefore, I'd never jump to such an ugly conclusion about someone without knowing more about him and asking him what he was thinking. I think immediately jumping to the most negative conclusion possible is a sad, sad way to treat other people.

Grumpy's Gal, if you're still around watching this little trainwreck I seem to have caused...
First of all, I apologize for hijacking your thread. That was not my intention.
Secondly, if you'd care to share, I have been curious about what prompted your original post.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Grumpy's Gal, if you'd care to share, I have been curious about what prompted your original post.

Yes, I'm still around.

What prompted this thread is not what you think, I am pretty sure!

It was a discussion my DD and her friend was having over Kim Kardashian's fiance asking for a blessing/permission from her mom and step father before he proposed.

I'm a bit shocked at the responses on this thread and I suppose I should leave it at that.

And I BEG you, please don't get started in the Kardashians -- save it for another thread.

 

[srferson]

Yes, I'm still around.

What prompted this thread is not what you think, I am pretty sure!

It was a discussion my DD and her friend was having over Kim Kardashian's fiance asking for a blessing from her mom and step father before he proposed.

While I knew it was possible that it didn't actually have to do with your own personal life, I don't think I would have ever guessed your answer would be Kim Kardashian!

I'm a bit shocked at the responses on this thread and I suppose I will leave it at that.

You are much smarter than I am. I should have dropped it pages ago. I'm afraid my high horse ran away with me aboard. It's about time I dismount and say goodnight.

 

[superme80]

DH asked my father's permission on Easter Sunday and he proposed the following June. DH knew it was expected of him to ask my dad. I would not have married him if my dad said no. I would not want to be in a marriage my parents did not approve of. I think that highly of my parents. Thankfully my parents love DH, so it was not a problem. I also let my dad give DH that talk when we first started dating. I figured if he could survive that and still want to be with me, then he was worth settling down with.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

My husband did not ask my parents to marry me. It was my decision alone to make.

What your daughter have done if you said no?

My BIL asked my FIL for SIL's hand and my FIL asked them to wait one year and they did not. It caused a big rift in the family because it was seen as disrespectful. This was before I knew my DH.

My mother and I tried to talk my husband into asking my father, but he was embarassed and didn't ask.

Then when he proposed, I called my mother and she told me to put him on the phone and then she put my Dad on the phone and my Dad said "I heard there was something you wanted to ask me."

The current SIL no. But they lived across the country from me so it didnt matter. However, when my DD30 was my DD18, her then BF asked me, and I said no.

It started out like this

Him: Mr T

Me: Yes

Him: Can we have a man to man talk?

Me: Yes, call me when youre a man.

It went downhill from there for him. The story is family lore.

That's awesome! I have to share that with DH!

My DH asked my Mother AND my two oldest sons (youngest two weren't even a twinkle) if they were okay with him getting married to US

My DH rocks my socks! i got the offical asking from him a few months later .

I love that!

Agree completely. Sexist and antiquated. I think people who say it's out of respect aren't thinking it through and are just blindly following a tradition because that's how they think it's supposed to be done. My father didn't give me away either. I was never his property to give, and I made my own decisions as a responsible adult.

Amen. In the past females were property -- nothing charming about that.

Haven't we all been property in one way or another? How do you feel about jumping the broom or other cultural traditions?

Actually, before I read this thread it would never have occurred to me that there are people out there who would care that much. Most people who did oppose such a tradition would just do as you said, tell the FSIL that it's the couple's decision to make and that you weren't comfortable granting a blessing without both parties involved. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

However, you have people on this thread saying they would not want their daughter marrying someone who would ask beforehand. I find that incredibly closed minded truth be told, and a sweeping generalization. I'm not sure how that is any better than someone who would ask for a woman's hand in marriage - actually it seems a whole heck of a lot worse. JMO!

I agree totally.

Well, honey, just don't worry your pretty little head about that. It was just "man talk."

Wow. really? We're worried about disrespect? That is probably the most disrespectful post on here.

My DH asked my dad, and dad said yes. I see a lot of people saying that the man asks the father prior to it being talked about with the bride to be, and that was not my personal situation. We had been ring shopping and had several conversations about it prior to my DH asking my dad. He did not, however, formally ask me until he asked my dad. I was an adult (30), owned my own home, had a successful profession, and had never been married. I did not see it as offensive, but I'm sure that if I knew someone well enough to marry them then the two of us would pretty much know how we felt about this tradition already.

There have been several mentions about becoming someone's property rather than being a team, so I just want to give my 2cents about some of this. DH was a stay at home dad to all 3 of our kids. We never thought about that being a "role" that one of us should play. This does remind me of a discussion on a local radio show that I would like to share. One of the hosts was talking about how his wife was making sandwiches in the kitchen while he and a friend were painting the house. The female host got VERY offended and asked why she wasn't painting with them. How it was sexist that she was making sandwiches. Was that what he expected her to do. He said yes, he expected her to do that. The female host was very upset by this. She said "I can paint just as well as any man, I shouldn't be confined to the kitchen because I'm a woman." He then explained that his wife can paint well too, but what would she rather be doing? He expected her to be in the kitchen because he has been married to her for 15 years and knows that she hates to paint, much less outside in the heat. So she made sandwiches.

Personally, in regards to the painting story, I would MUCH rather be in the kitchen making sandwiches then outside on a ladder painting the house. Unfortunately, I know of several people who would find that sexist and offensive. Frankly, I don't think I need to prove my painting prowess to anyone, and I make a darn fine steak and cheese.

 

[violetrose]

There have been several mentions about becoming someone's property rather than being a team, so I just want to give my 2cents about some of this. DH was a stay at home dad to all 3 of our kids. We never thought about that being a "role" that one of us should play. This does remind me of a discussion on a local radio show that I would like to share. One of the hosts was talking about how his wife was making sandwiches in the kitchen while he and a friend were painting the house. The female host got VERY offended and asked why she wasn't painting with them. How it was sexist that she was making sandwiches. Was that what he expected her to do. He said yes, he expected her to do that. The female host was very upset by this. She said "I can paint just as well as any man, I shouldn't be confined to the kitchen because I'm a woman." He then explained that his wife can paint well too, but what would she rather be doing? He expected her to be in the kitchen because he has been married to her for 15 years and knows that she hates to paint, much less outside in the heat. So she made sandwiches.

Personally, in regards to the painting story, I would MUCH rather be in the kitchen making sandwiches then outside on a ladder painting the house. Unfortunately, I know of several people who would find that sexist and offensive. Frankly, I don't think I need to prove my painting prowess to anyone, and I make a darn fine steak and cheese.

Love it! Personally I'd rather be out painting and it's DH who is the chef in our house. Whatever works. Marriage is all about partnership and compromise.

Someone mentioned Gloria Steinem earlier....she and others like her paved the way and made it so we have that choice. I'm old enough to remember when women really were property. We truly have come a long way baby.

 

[ilovefh]

DH did not even have a chance to ask my parents, they came to him and gave their permission.

My mom knew we were talking about getting married and one night during dinner at their house she pulled him aside to offer him one of the diamonds in my grandmother's ring. She knew it would mean a lot to me so she wanted to make sure he knew he could have it if he wanted it.

It is now the running joke that my mom was more nervous offering the diamond than he was proposing!

And she did tell him their were no returns!