did your son in law ask your permission to marry your daughter? and how?

[disneydreamingdebby]

I read along because my father had stage four cancer and I was making sure I left nothing unsaid that I'd regret. I apologized that dh didn't ask him for permission. He told me that he never asked my grandfather either. He told me he wasn't worried about me because I had a great marriage and husband.

As I read through this thread, I was amazed by the offense this gesture provokes. Other traditions came to mind and I wonder how many people are equally offended by white dresses and women taking their husband's last name.

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I read along because my father had stage four cancer and I was making sure I left nothing unsaid that I'd regret. I apologized that dh didn't ask him for permission. He told me that he never asked my grandfather either. He told me he wasn't worried about me because I had a great marriage and husband.

As I read through this thread, I was amazed by the offense this gesture provokes. Other traditions came to mind and I wonder how many people are equally offended by white dresses and women taking their husband's last name.

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

Personally, I think it is easier for everyone if the entire family has the same last name--but I do not think anyone should have to change and I do not think it should be assumed that the woman will change (I personally know two couples in which the man changed his name). I think couples should look at whose name they like better, or which of them already has children with that name (why shoud the kids have to change to match ), or who has a job where they are really known by their name, etc and then make the decision which works best for them

A white dress was origianlly to prove you had so much money you could waste it on a dress meant to be worn only once. Kind of vain, but not relaly offensive

 

[maraki527]

That post is really funny because it is an ongoing joke with our family. My grandparents in Greece have tons of goats and when all the grandchildren were born we got a certain amount of goats. (there are 5 girls in our family) Everytime one of us gets married the other brother in laws get mad because their goats are dwindling and in every one of our weddings whoever gives a speech they always mention the goats

 

[WowLookAtThat]

My husband didn't ask for "permission" because I am not a child.

He gave my parents a heads up and my dad prayed with him for guidance.

 

[Disney Ella]

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

That decision has to be up the woman (or man, if he considers changing his name). I changed my name because I didn't like my original last name, but if DH had had a worse name, I wouldn't have changed it, since I see no reason why we have to have the same last name, or why it has to be the man's name.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Our son-in-law asked permission. DH flat out said no. They got hitched anyway -- it was our choice to go along with it or get out of the way. son-in-law has since grown up (somewhat) and grown on us, like moss. We're "those parents" who don't think anyone is good enough for our daughter.

 

[dngnb8]

We're "those parents" who don't think anyone is good enough for our daughter.

That was said about me as well. It seems if we dont like someone, we automatically dislike all.

My DD has since married and I couldnt be happier with my SIL. I call him son and he calls me dad.

 

[Ember]

People sure will find anything they can to get their underwear in a bunch, won't they?

I will admit upfront that I have an interest in the history of marriage traditions and did research on it throughout university. I'm heading back to do my masters with a focus on the education of women on a global level. So, yes, I guess this is one of those issues that gets my underpants in a bunch. Everyone has a few.

A quick question. I see many find it old and antiquated, but some find it downright offensive. For those people, how do you see the father walking his daughter down the aisle? He is in fact, giving her away, as the ceremony says, right? Ok and before anyone says Im inciting, Im not, Im truly interested. Its always fascinating to me how different opinions are formed and how differently people see things.

I was not walked down the isle, I did not wear a veil, and I kept my own last name. I also bought my husband and engagement gift because I thought it was unfair that I received a gift when we got engaged but he didn't. I bought him a piano.

Many of the wedding traditions we see as sweet are steeped in very sexist history, and most of them center on the woman "changing" as her role passes from daughter to wife, and her ownership changes hands from her father to her husband. If you are actually interested, there's a great book called The Meaning of Wife: A Provocative Look at Women and Marriage in the Twenty-first Century by Anne Kingston. It's a well written overview of a many of the marriage traditions and their history.

 

[Spoodleink]

I read along because my father had stage four cancer and I was making sure I left nothing unsaid that I'd regret. I apologized that dh didn't ask him for permission. He told me that he never asked my grandfather either. He told me he wasn't worried about me because I had a great marriage and husband.

As I read through this thread, I was amazed by the offense this gesture provokes. Other traditions came to mind and I wonder how many people are equally offended by white dresses and women taking their husband's last name.

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

My husband didn't ask permission, my dad did not walk me down the aisle and I did not change my name. I did wear a white dress, I almost wore a red one but did change to white for my Mom. We also didn't do a bouquet or garter toss. I wouldn't have been dating someone who thought I would have wanted him to ask my dad's permission and he knew me well enough that I would have rolled my eyes at the blessing thing. He never really popped the question we decided to get married and exchanged engagement gifts and that was that.

 

[Willa]

Our son in law did ask our permission. He's an old fashioned kind of guy, and knowing that, we thought he probably would, although we didn't think of it as a requirement in any way. It was sweet and we appreciated the spirit behind it.

We were out doing errands one day (I think he must have found that out from our daughter), and he called us to ask if we had time to meet him at Starbucks. Since he is shy, this is not something he would normally do, so we figured this was it.

He insisted on buying our coffee, then he made small talk for a few minutes, during which time it was obvious how nervous he was, lol! He complimented us on the great job we had done raising our daughter, and asked for our permission to propose to her. We put him out of his misery right away and gave him our blessing.

We only had to keep the secret for the rest of that day, because he asked her the same evening, thank goodness!

 

[Coconut36]

I read along because my father had stage four cancer and I was making sure I left nothing unsaid that I'd regret. I apologized that dh didn't ask him for permission. He told me that he never asked my grandfather either. He told me he wasn't worried about me because I had a great marriage and husband.

As I read through this thread, I was amazed by the offense this gesture provokes. Other traditions came to mind and I wonder how many people are equally offended by white dresses and women taking their husband's last name.

It begs the question that if a tradition changes meaning over time, should it be dropped? Since women were property hence Goodwife (Goody) Smith, should women no longer change their name?

Neither are comparable to asking the father to be married. Many many many women don't take their husbands name..it's a choice..her choice. Many women don't wear white or all white either. If they do it is their choice.

There is a big difference between saying "I make the choice to take my husbands name" or "I love this white dress" and someone feeling they have the right to give permission for me to marry or not. Only the one being proposed to has a role there..not their parents (and of course being as old fashioned and antiquated as it is not even the parents..her Mom gets nothing to say in the matter..only her father?!?!).

 

[violetrose]

Neither are comparable to asking the father to be married. Many many many women don't take their husbands name..it's a choice..her choice. Many women don't wear white or all white either. If they do it is their choice.

There is a big difference between saying "I make the choice to take my husbands name" or "I love this white dress" and someone feeling they have the right to give permission for me to marry or not. Only the one being proposed to has a role there..not their parents (and of course being as old fashioned and antiquated as it is not even the parents..her Mom gets nothing to say in the matter..only her father?!?!).

So? For many couples, the choice for both bride & groom is the groom asking the father's hand in marriage first. I'm pretty sure every man who follows such a tradition is not sexist, or asking for ownership. I believe my husband felt like he wanted to reach out to my family and let them know he would always take care of me and love me and would be in it for the long haul. I think he wanted to give them that reassurance. And yes, he did approach my father first. That is the tradition in our family, which in fact is a family who has many long and loving marriages to it's credit. Our traditions are not rooted in what they did centuries ago, they are rooted in what we have done as a family and passed down through generations. I'm not sure how that is so offensive to some, but whatever. I'll try to unbunch my panties over it.

 

[punkin]

disgusting tradition IMO. women are not chattel anymore.

 

[violetrose]

Our son in law did ask our permission. He's an old fashioned kind of guy, and knowing that, we thought he probably would, although we didn't think of it as a requirement in any way. It was sweet and we appreciated the spirit behind it.

We were out doing errands one day (I think he must have found that out from our daughter), and he called us to ask if we had time to meet him at Starbucks. Since he is shy, this is not something he would normally do, so we figured this was it.

He insisted on buying our coffee, then he made small talk for a few minutes, during which time it was obvious how nervous he was, lol! He complimented us on the great job we had done raising our daughter, and asked for our permission to propose to her. We put him out of his misery right away and gave him our blessing.

We only had to keep the secret for the rest of that day, because he asked her the same evening, thank goodness!

Wow. Bet it never occurred to you that your SIL's behavior was disgusting and sexist huh?

 

[Coconut36]

So? For many couples, the choice for both bride & groom is the groom asking the father's hand in marriage first. I'm pretty sure every man who follows such a tradition is not sexist, or asking for ownership. I believe my husband felt like he wanted to reach out to my family and let them know he would always take care of me and love me and would be in it for the long haul. I think he wanted to give them that reassurance. And yes, he did approach my father first. That is the tradition in our family, which in fact is a family who has many long and loving marriages to it's credit. Our traditions are not rooted in what they did centuries ago, they are rooted in what we have done as a family and passed down through generations. I'm not sure how that is so offensive to some, but whatever. I'll try to unbunch my panties over it.

Yeah that is great you feel that way..I don't and clearly neither do many other women on here. IF both parties think it is great..more power to them but I do not think it is an expected or commonly followed practice. I am my own person and an adult. Nobody needs to give permission or consent to marry but me (yes I am married..18 years of marriage and no my DH did not "ask" either).

I think it is outdated and sexist.

My DH pledged to be with me for the long haul too..in our wedding ceremony. He didn't need to ask my Dad for permission to do that. Besides his commitment is to ME not to my Dad. It is about US being together..not about my Dad or my family. It is the decision of those entering into marriage and nobody else.

The bold makes me laugh..so because the man asks for "permission" from the father it makes for lasting marriages?

 

[sharonmickey]

Older DD's husband proposed to her one year after their first date without asking permission from her father or I. They married almost two years later. It took a long time for her father to get over the slight.

Younger DD is now engaged after dating her BF for three years. Her fiancee first asked my permission to marry her although I had previously told him that it was her choice not her parents. He asked me on the front porch one day this summer while DD was in the shower. He then proceeded to ask DD's father for his blessing. A few weeks later he asked DD while they were hiking on Mount Nittany. It was a beautiful way to propose, she called immediately after to share their news.

 

[Desnik]

DH is very traditional but not sexist in ANY way. So asking my father for his daughters hand in marriage seemed respectful and traditional for him. He did kind of tell him though, not ask permission from what I have been told it went like thiswhile playing golf)
DH: I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. How do you feel about that?
My dad: Please, take her! But, what are you crazy? The women in my family are nuts! Especially my daughter. You have a chance still, don't do it!
DH: lol I love her. I know she's crazy and I love it.
My dad: Well, don't say I didn't warn you. Good luck. I already think of you as my son and it's great that you kids want to get married.

I did take DH's last name because I wanted to. I am traditional like that too.

 

[Willa]

Wow. Bet it never occurred to you that your SIL's behavior was disgusting and sexist huh?

No, not even a little bit.

And you know, my daughter is a very modern kind of woman. She is in grad school now, and when he asked us, he made it clear to us that he intended to move with her wherever she decided to go (she was in her senior undergrad year at that time). Her education is very important to him, and he kept his word and found a job in the city where she decided to get her master's. Her future career is just as important in their long term plan as his is.

I am sure he was not thinking of her as our "property" when he asked us, and I am equally sure he does not think of her as his property now. They are a team. He just wanted to show us respect. I am sure that had we said no, he would have respectfully told us that he was going to go ahead anyway.

 

[violetrose]

Yeah that is great you feel that way..I don't and clearly neither do many other women on here. IF both parties think it is great..more power to them but I do not think it is an expected or commonly followed practice. I am my own person and an adult. Nobody needs to give permission or consent to marry but me (yes I am married..18 years of marriage and no my DH did not "ask" either).

I think it is outdated and sexist.

My DH pledged to be with me for the long haul too..in our wedding ceremony. He didn't need to ask my Dad for permission to do that. Besides his commitment is to ME not to my Dad. It is about US being together..not about my Dad or my family. It is the decision of those entering into marriage and nobody else.

The bold makes me laugh..so because the man asks for "permission" from the father it makes for lasting marriages?

No, I put the emphasis on my family having long and lasting marriages to point out that not all of "us" are disgusting. Glad it made you laugh though, I've certainly had a few myself.

 

[aprilgail2]

My husband wanted to ask my dad, but I told him not to, as it's my decision to make. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad, but he doesn't own me, you know.

If a boyfriend were to ask us, I would hope my daughter would say no when he got around to asking her! Any guy who thought permission for marriage should be sought wouldn't be the kind of guy we'd want our daughter marrying.

I agree!

That decision has to be up the woman (or man, if he considers changing his name). I changed my name because I didn't like my original last name, but if DH had had a worse name, I wouldn't have changed it, since I see no reason why we have to have the same last name, or why it has to be the man's name.

My friend had a nice short 4 letter last name and she married a guy with a last name with 13 letters in it and it was a weird name- she went to motor vehicle to change her license and the lady behind the counter says "man you must really love this this guy to change your name from this to this" LOL-- she now regrets changing it though!