did your son in law ask your permission to marry your daughter? and how?

[HunnyPots]

Son in law wanted to ask for dad's permission but my daughter informed him that the only one he'd better be asking was her! He did insist on telling dad of his intentions, just no requesting permission.

I think we are way past the days when parental consent was needed to get engaged, or at least we should be.

 

[Scornelius]

DH had a converstation with my dad where he basically informed him that he was going to propose, but there wasn't any actual asking of permission. If you're traditional enough to have your dad walk you down the aisle, I think running the idea past him is also acceptable.

 

[badblackpug]

I, too find this offensive. As an adult, I don't/didn't need anyone's permission to get married. It is my decision and my decision alone. It will also be my daughter's decision (she is only 14)

 

[Abbie]

OP, our SIL did come to us to ask "permission". Of course it was a technicality since he'd been around since he was 17, it was just a tradition and a fun thing. He was out of grad school by then so we knew it was coming...when he called and asked to see us we were ready. He had just earned his CPA, so my DH had a "contract" all ready for him to sign. I can't remember what it said but it was all accountant-type language about how they needed to treat each other. He was in hysterics.

We had to keep the secret for a full week! He was planning to take her away overnight and I even had to pack a bag for her without her knowledge. I met him up the road to hand over the bag and it was then he showed me the ring. When they got home the next day we had big congratulations and balloons in the yard, his parents were here, and we had champagne ready. It was so fun!

 

[Planogirl]

I see nothing wrong with it as long as it's more about custom than about expecting an answer. I wouldn't expect anyone to really want permission nowadays.

 

[Coconut36]

Son in law wanted to ask for dad's permission but my daughter informed him that the only one he'd better be asking was her! He did insist on telling dad of his intentions, just no requesting permission.

I think we are way past the days when parental consent was needed to get engaged, or at least we should be.

I have to agree. I would not have been happy if my DH had "asked" my Dad/parents to marry me (and why only the Dad..why is her other parent excluded)? IMO it is a very antiquated custom that is not needed and could be extremely insulting to the bride to be.

The decision is hers and only hers to make. I could maybe understand a "head's up" especially if he needs assistance pulling off the proposal but only as a "hey this is what is happening" not "can I" situation.

 

[Keli]

Our SIL talked to us before asking dd to marry him. He wanted our blessing on the union. I think he would have went forward without it but I know he also felt he was showing respect to us (especially my dh because dd is very much his baby girl) and we definitely appreciated the gesture. I think that is part of the reason dh and I love and respect our SIL so much, he has always treated us well.
He definitely didn't take dd away, he joined our family and dd joined his family. If you think of it in terms of joining a family it only makes sense to knock rather than barging in

 

[Lynne M]

Just to irritate me, though, my mother did e-mail DH a picture of a goat after we got engaged and told him it was my dowery. The running joke for a while after that was how many goats I was worth...

I love your mother. That sounds like something mine would do.

OMG, if any guy asked my parents for my hand, they wouldn't stop laughing for two days. At least.

 

[Lynne M]

This thread reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from 'Bones', when Jack asks Angela's father for her hand:

Dr. Jack Hodgins: Well, it occurred to me that you might have a traditional... you're Texan. I mean *really* Texan, guitars and hot rods Texan. So I figured I should ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage as a sign of respect.

Angela's Dad: You're making a huge mistake, son.

Dr. Jack Hodgins: Marrying Angela?

Angela's Dad: No. If Angie finds out that a man - you - asked another man - me - for her hand or any other of her fine parts, horrible complications will ensue.

Dr. Jack Hodgins: I didn't think of that.

Angela's Dad: You could get us both killed.

'Bones' fans will understand.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If a boyfriend were to ask us, I would hope my daughter would say no when he got around to asking her! Any guy who thought permission for marriage should be sought wouldn't be the kind of guy we'd want our daughter marrying.

I am almost in that camp. I can give a person the benefit of the doubt that they really thought following tradition might make in law relations better or something, but generally speaking I think it is a horrible thing to do and would hope anyone my daughter knows well enough to want to marry will know her well enough to know this is a BAD idea.

Yeah, i'm gonna use that line on my future daughter-in-law!

Seriously, though, i don't expect my either of my children's fiances to come ask for permission. If they're old enough to get married, they sure don't need my vote. That's the way DH & I did it. My dad had abandoned our family and my mom was in her I Hate Men phase, so we were on our own. Best decision we ever made. We managed to pull a small inexpensive wedding together in 2 weeks and the marriage has lasted 30 years. We got our monies worth

The current SIL no. But they lived across the country from me so it didnt matter. However, when my DD30 was my DD18, her then BF asked me, and I said no.

It started out like this

Him: Mr T

Me: Yes

Him: Can we have a man to man talk?

Me: Yes, call me when youre a man.

It went downhill from there for him. The story is family lore.

This is something I always wonder (not that I think 17 year olds should be getting married). When you said no, did he ask her anyway? What if they weer adults? If one asked you whom you really felt was bad for your DD would you have said no and would you expect them to follow what you said?

DH and I just had this conversation this evening, as our favorite niece got engaged yesterday.

Her boyfriend has become part of our family for the last six years, and out of respect for her parents, he did ask her Dad for his permission. He asked a few months ago and has been carrying the ring around with him since then. He proposed on her Dad's birthday.

DH did not ask my parent's permission, and I preferred it that way.

Many people (not just you yours was just the firs tin the thread) say it is a RESPECT thing. From my view point, it shows that the person has more respect for the father than he does for the woman he wants to marry--which really makes it all about disrespecting the person you want to marry and is why I dislike this so much.

I have to agree. I would not have been happy if my DH had "asked" my Dad/parents to marry me (and why only the Dad..why is her other parent excluded)? IMO it is a very antiquated custom that is not needed and could be extremely insulting to the bride to be.

The decision is hers and only hers to make. I could maybe understand a "head's up" especially if he needs assistance pulling off the proposal but only as a "hey this is what is happening" not "can I" situation.

I agree--that makes sense

This thread reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from 'Bones', when Jack asks Angela's father for her hand:



'Bones' fans will understand.

I have never seen Bones, but it is still funny

 

[NMAmy]

I really hope dd's future husband doesn't do this. I don't care for it--I don't own my daughter and so I can't 'give" her away.

She's got a good head on her shoulders and makes her own decisions. If SHE wants to ask me for my advice or my blessing on her marriage, I'm good with that but I think any marriage questions need to be between her and her future husband.

 

[burnurcomputer]

My DH asked my Mother AND my two oldest sons (youngest two weren't even a twinkle) if they were okay with him getting married to US

My DH rocks my socks! i got the offical asking from him a few months later .

 

[topolino]

I had a talk with my in-laws before proposing to my wife to tell them my intentions, but I didn't ask their permission.

For those that find it offensive when a potential son in law asks, while I respect your opinion, I think it's more a gesture based on tradition than an actual petition for permission. I would like to think that even if the woman's parents said no, the bride and groom to be, being consenting adults, would still decide for themselves. Kind of like when the father of the bride "gives away" his daughter at the wedding. Did he really own her, to be able to give her away? No, but it's a nice tradition.

 

[Disney Ella]

I have been married for 26 years and thought the idea was antiquated when I got married. DH knew I would have been angry if he asked my father's permission. I was a self-sufficient adult and my father didn't make any decisions for me about anything else. I certainly wasn't about to let him decide if I got married or not. Some people claim it doesn't really mean anything, it's just a show of respect. If it doesn't mean anything, why do it? And why is it a man-to-man thing? Why aren't future brides asking for the groom's parents blessing? And why isn't the groom asking the bride's mother? It's a very sexist tradition and I don't find anything respectful or sentimental about it.

 

[violetrose]

If a boyfriend were to ask us, I would hope my daughter would say no when he got around to asking her! Any guy who thought permission for marriage should be sought wouldn't be the kind of guy we'd want our daughter marrying.

Wow. I'm amazed people look at this age-old tradition as somehow offensive.

My husband asked my father for my hand in marriage when we got married 30 years ago. My kids aren't married yet. We don't have expectations of being asked but we certainly would not discount anyone who asked, especially if we already approved and liked him.

 

[kirbydog48]

I have been married for 26 years and thought the idea was antiquated when I got married. DH knew I would have been angry if he asked my father's permission. I was a self-sufficient adult and my father didn't make any decisions for me about anything else. I certainly wasn't about to let him decide if I got married or not. Some people claim it doesn't really mean anything, it's just a show of respect. If it doesn't mean anything, why do it? And why is it a man-to-man thing? Why aren't future brides asking for the groom's parents blessing? And why isn't the groom asking the bride's mother? It's a very sexist tradition and I don't find anything respectful or sentimental about it.

Agree completely. Sexist and antiquated. I think people who say it's out of respect aren't thinking it through and are just blindly following a tradition because that's how they think it's supposed to be done. My father didn't give me away either. I was never his property to give, and I made my own decisions as a responsible adult.

 

[babyrich]

I also think this "tradition" is pretty ... well stupid.

I had a friend who insisited her BF ask her father for her hand before he proposed. She told him dont bother to ask me first, my father will be so angry if you do. When he finally called her father and asked, the father said.... what the hell are you asking me for???? I'm not gonna marry you!!!!!!

 

[SaraJayne]

Agree completely. Sexist and antiquated. I think people who say it's out of respect aren't thinking it through and are just blindly following a tradition because that's how they think it's supposed to be done. My father didn't give me away either. I was never his property to give, and I made my own decisions as a responsible adult.

For our niece, her and her Fiance have been together for six years (since early high school). They've been talking about marriage for a couple years. We all knew it was coming.

So yes, for him, it was a respect thing to tell her parents he was planning on proposing. They consider him a son and he considers them a second set of parents.

I don't care if people think it's somehow offensive, antiquated, sexist, etc. I think it's sweet and expect our DS to do the same when the day comes with his future in-laws. I also expect DD's future spouse to tell us his intentions when it comes to marrying her.

People sure will find anything they can to get their underwear in a bunch, won't they?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I had a talk with my in-laws before proposing to my wife to tell them my intentions, but I didn't ask their permission.

For those that find it offensive when a potential son in law asks, while I respect your opinion, I think it's more a gesture based on tradition than an actual petition for permission. I would like to think that even if the woman's parents said no, the bride and groom to be, being consenting adults, would still decide for themselves. Kind of like when the father of the bride "gives away" his daughter at the wedding. Did he really own her, to be able to give her away? No, but it's a nice tradition.

I agree.

Plus, if the future inlaws give you a hard time you have time to reconsider!

 

[joviroxx]

My DH sat down with my parents and told them he was going to propose. He wanted their blessing, not their permission. My dad thanked him, gave his blessing but told DH he was on his own to get me to say yes LOL. I find it very traditional and respectful and rather charming.

A quick question. I see many find it old and antiquated, but some find it downright offensive. For those people, how do you see the father walking his daughter down the aisle? He is in fact, giving her away, as the ceremony says, right? Ok and before anyone says Im inciting, Im not, Im truly interested. Its always fascinating to me how different opinions are formed and how differently people see things.