Did I miss something? It's now acceptable to have a baby shower for the second baby?

[NotUrsula]

Why is it unacceptable and tacky to throw a shower for someone in your immediate family.

Because it is traditionally the role of the family of the bride or the mother-to-be to supply her (via making them, gifting them, or passing them down) the basics that one needs for a trousseau or a nursery. If you ask people who are not family to supply those things to your own adult child or sibling, it makes it appear as though you are pushing off that role (and the related expense) onto people outside the family. A friend has no such traditional obligation, so coming from a friend the gesture is seen as generous rather than cheap. Your opinion may differ, but to answer your question, that is the "why" of the traditional and widely-held perception that showers hosted by immediate family are in poor taste. (I'll qualify that a family-only "shower" is not what we are speaking of here. If only family are present then obviously family will host.)

NO ONE is *supposed* to throw a shower for anyone. It isn't a right, it is a generous and unlooked-for bonus that the honoree should be touched by and grateful for. It never fails to amaze me that there are people out there who think that not getting "showered" is somehow an insult, and who feel cheated if they don't get one.

As to my remark about people embarassing themselves, I chose to put it that way specifically because the poster I was replying to described others' reaction to the idea of her mother hosting a second shower for her as (and I quote) "horrible". The only way I'd use that description out loud in real life and let that person know it IRL would be if I were hoping to spare that person public embarassment. If I didn't care about the person, I probably wouldn't say anything. I could be wrong about their motives in showing such a reaction, but that is the most probable reason I could think of for reacting that way out loud.

This is an open anonymous message board, and this thread is a debate; in a thread like this one you're going to get both sides without any sugar coating. That's the whole point of asking a question like this on an anonymous message board -- to get a wide range of honest answers and not have people falsely appear to validate your POV just because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

 

[disneynewbee]

I had no idea that family hosting a baby shower was tacky I'm not sure when or where that rule came about. Around here it is the norm. Every shower I ever attended baby or bridal have all been hosted by a mother or sister including my own.

 

[PatriciaH]

Personally, I'd rather have an unmedicated root canal than sit through a shower of any kind. They are just not my idea of fun.

 

[mommapoppins]

I haven't read every post in this thread so I hope this isn't a repeat but this thread got me to thinking so I went searching... I found the answer from the expert - Miss Manners. Here is the link: Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Good Behaviour

In essence what she says is that showers are for people that have never had a need for the items they will need now. But she also says that it is good to celebrate the happy moments of a friend's life, so suggests that you not call it a shower.

Something I also found online was that instead of having a shower to have a celebration of a new life and on the invitations say that in leiu of gifts to bring a meal that could be frozen and used after baby comes. I think this would be an awesome addition to any shower, though, because I know for a new mom it is very difficult to get up and get a good dinner together when she has a demanding baby (and maybe a whiny two-year-old!).

Overall I think if you are offended by the fact that they are having a second shower, just send a sweet note that says "I won't be able to make it to your shower, but i wish you the best of luck." and leave it at that. Most of the time it isn't the decision of the mom-to-be anyway. Not something to be getting all up in arms about - even Miss Manners doesn't mind a celebration of a new birth!!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I don't think I attended one shower that wasn't thrown by a family member, when I was growing up. That's the way they do things there. 2nd showers were only attended by close family & friends who weren't invited to the 1st. I think we on the DIS sometimes forget that we have people from different regions of the US, as well as different countries posting here. Different cultures do things differently. I don't think any culture can legitimately lay claim to always being correct, making everyone else wrong. If they feel that way, they are the ignorant ones.

PS: Am I the only one who thinks Miss Manners & Emily Post are just people with opinions just like the rest of us? I've always wondered why their word was considered gospel.

 

[Mono~rail]

I'm glad someone else agrees with me! I was beginning to think I was the only one.

ETA: I think there are actually more of us who can't stand showers because otherwise there wouldn't be such an uproar about the politeness of having more than one.

#1 -- Those of us who don't like them and would rather gnaw our own fingers off than go to one - we say one is plenty. . . anymore than that is impolite.

OR

#2 -- Those that love them and can't get enough -- they say one is not enough. . . we need to have as many as we can to "celebrate" the new baby.

 

[NemoMOm]

I too was just invited to a 2nd baby shower after knowing rhe mother only 3 weeks! I am only 30 and expecting my 2nd and was shocked that she was having a 2nd shower. Her 1st is only 2! I thought it was very tacky. I believe the etiquette is you only have a 2nd If the children are at least 5 yrs apart. And yes I checked so my numbers are accurate.

 

[graygables]

Let's see, my Dad was an Army officer, so my mom was Miss Manners. She's also from Oklahoma which is far enough south to have some Southern sensibilities (and she always considered herself a belle anyway). 21 years ago, she and a friend threw my first baby shower and 2 years later, she threw me a second (only this one was a surprise to me) Nobody thought anything of it, whether it was "tacky" or inappropriate that my mom planned it, it was simply a way to get together and celebrate the birth of my daughters. The ladies LOVED sitting around, cuddling, feeding, cooing over the babies. When DD3 arrived, I had moved away and had no friends in the new area, but by the time DD4 was born, the ladies at my new church had a shower for her. They all enjoyed taking turns with the baby and we had a wonderful time. ALL the ladies came, too, and no one would have rather been having a root canal. Maybe it's the idea of fellowship and friendship that overrides any thoughts of "tacky" or "greedy". I think of it as sharing a joy, not an obligation.

 

[virgojmk]

I recently had 2 people at work that had baby showers for their 2nd baby. One had a 8 year old and the other had an 11 year old, totally felt fine with this, since they had gotten rid of all their baby stuff years ago.
I did have a baby shower with my 2nd, but it was a small, with only 4 people. And I actually never got a 1st baby shower (kids were 4.75 years apart), ended up in the hospital, so it was cancelled.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm glad someone else agrees with me! I was beginning to think I was the only one.

ETA: I think there are actually more of us who can't stand showers because otherwise there wouldn't be such an uproar about the politeness of having more than one.

#1 -- Those of us who don't like them and would rather gnaw our own fingers off than go to one - we say one is plenty. . . anymore than that is impolite.

OR

#2 -- Those that love them and can't get enough -- they say one is not enough. . . we need to have as many as we can to "celebrate" the new baby.

I don't know. I hate going to showers, but I don't think a 2nd one is necessarily rude. With only one child, it never was an issue for me personally. I've never had a problem with anyone else doing it though. The reason I hate showers is the games. If you can go, chat for awhile, watch them open gifts, & have the obligatory piece of cake (I also hate punch), then I can deal with it. When they start the games, then I'd rather be at the dentist.

 

[lulu71]

My SIL tried to plan a top secret shower for me for my second and I was mortified. Luckily, my best friend talked some sense into her and told her I would be very uncomfortable with this and she dropped it. My DD is only two and even though I lost most of the baby stuff in Katrina, I am completely opposed to second showers. I don't care what the circumstances are, second showers are unacceptable to me. If anything, losing everything you own is as extenuating as a circumstance could get and it still doesn't fly with me. JMO.

 

[jordansmomma]

For the OP if you truely find this tacky then dont go. I didnt realize how contraversial showers were, or that more than one was "tacky" or unneeded. I have friends including myself who has had more than one shower.
People arent obligated to go that is why they send an invitation that you can kindly turn down.
Most people give gifts regarless if it is 1, 2, 3, or child number 4. Where I work they have showers for the mom or dad, just because they are kind nice people.

 

[Mono~rail]

For the OP if you truely find this tacky then dont go.

This thread is over a year old, and I haven't even seen the OP around here in many months.

 

[teresajoy]

This thread is over a year old, and I haven't even seen the OP around here in many months.

LOL! I didn't realize it was that old!!!

Ok, let's just all agree. If you don't believe in second showers and won't have fun, don't go. Heck, if you won't have fun at the 1st shower, don't go! That way, the only ones left are the ones that really want to be there, and everyone will be happy.

ETA: When I was pregnant for my first, Corey, my best friend who is also my sister in law (friends since 3rd grade, met her CUTE older brother when I was going into 8th grade, he was just finishing college, met him again when I was in 12th grade, married him two years later! LOVE!!!) would not come to my baby shower, because, "I don't do showers." Ok, I was more than a little miffed! My husband, her brother, was also making her Corey's godmother! I wasn't happy with her, but I got over it, and she came to the other two showers I had for my girls!

 

[ReneeQ]

This thread is over a year old, and I haven't even seen the OP around here in many months.

OP here. Yes, I'm still around. I still check the boards nearly daily (unless I'm out of town, which I have been a lot lately), but don't get to post as much as I used to. (I think I last posted 2 weeks ago when I gave some DVC ball caps away on the DVC boards. Anyway..)

I'm home sick today and was surfing the boards and was SO surprised to see this thread resurface after 14 months. Honestly, I forgot I even started it. I have read this entire thread, and want to mention a few things (not that anyone really cares )

I started this thread/posed this question, after I got a shower invitation for a friend's daughter, who was having her second daughter within 2 years of the first. I will admit, this was a FIRST for me. I have NEVER received a shower invitation for a 2nd (or more) baby, thus my surprise. After reading this thread, I realize MANY of you think it is totally appropriate to have a shower for each baby. I'm just saying that it was a first for me.

To anyone that is interested, I did plan to attend this shower, but it was postponed due to the hostess' children becoming sick. It was rescheduled for a weekend I was out of town, so I was unable to attend. I did take my gift when I went to visit the new baby.

I was raised with the same "rules" many of you posted here - showers for first babies only, immediate family does not give a shower (wedding or bridal), though it's "acceptable" for aunts and cousins to give the shower, etc.

BUT I want to now say, after reading this old, lengthy thread, my mind has been changed. Every child (or marriage) should be celebrated, and if someone wants to throw that "celebration" and thinks enough of me to invite me, then I don't need to worry so much about what that celebration is called (be it party, shower, whatever).

Now, if it's for my ex-stepmother's third cousin's daughter I have never met, that's another story. But, that's another thread...

 

[teresajoy]

OP here. Yes, I'm still around. I still check the boards nearly daily (unless I'm out of town, which I have been a lot lately), but don't get to post as much as I used to. (I think I last posted 2 weeks ago when I gave some DVC ball caps away on the DVC boards. Anyway..)

I'm home sick today and was surfing the boards and was SO surprised to see this thread resurface after 14 months. Honestly, I forgot I even started it. I have read this entire thread, and want to mention a few things (not that anyone really cares )

I started this thread/posed this question, after I got a shower invitation for a friend's daughter, who was having her second daughter within 2 years of the first. I will admit, this was a FIRST for me. I have NEVER received a shower invitation for a 2nd (or more) baby, thus my surprise. After reading this thread, I realize MANY of you think it is totally appropriate to have a shower for each baby. I'm just saying that it was a first for me.

To anyone that is interested, I did plan to attend this shower, but it was postponed due to the hostess' children becoming sick. It was rescheduled for a weekend I was out of town, so I was unable to attend. I did take my gift when I went to visit the new baby.

I was raised with the same "rules" many of you posted here - showers for first babies only, immediate family does not give a shower (wedding or bridal), though it's "acceptable" for aunts and cousins to give the shower, etc.

BUT I want to now say, after reading this old, lengthy thread, my mind has been changed. Every child (or marriage) should be celebrated, and if someone wants to throw that "celebration" and thinks enough of me to invite me, then I don't need to worry so much about what that celebration is called (be it party, shower, whatever).

Now, if it's for my ex-stepmother's third cousin's daughter I have never met, that's another story. But, that's another thread...

Hey, nice to see you here! I didn't realize how old this thread was when I posted! I am one that is all about the celebration of a new child. I'm glad we made you see showers that way.

 

[poshspice94]

OP here. Yes, I'm still around. I still check the boards nearly daily. I'm home sick today and was surfing the boards and was SO surprised to see this thread resurface after 14 months. Honestly, I forgot I even started it. ...

I actually Googled the question since my family was so excited about me finally becoming pregnant again so I wanted to see what the "rule" was. How I laughed when I saw that the topic I was looking for was right here on my favorite site! One year later, What I found was EVERYONE has a different opinion on this topic. For me, it was the best thing I could find because it told me to follow my own heart. If my mom wants to celebrate the life that through infertility took years to create, then we will have the most awesome 2nd baby shower ever! Those who dont wish to come dont. Such is life, and we move on.

 

[Mono~rail]

OP here. Yes, I'm still around. I still check the boards nearly daily (unless I'm out of town, which I have been a lot lately), but don't get to post as much as I used to. (I think I last posted 2 weeks ago when I gave some DVC ball caps away on the DVC boards. Anyway..)

Hi, Renee! Glad to see you are still around!

 

[Dopey's twin Dippy]

i have 2 dd. they are 8 years apart.........i know...those were the beginning of my breakdown years........haha..............but; everyone at work had a shower for us, and then my family had a small shower. which was great, because we obviously had no baby items around by then. it wouldnt bother me , i love baby showers anyways.......

 

[Blondy876]

My dh and I were given a huge shower with our first child. Then 5 years later when the second child was on the way my mother and sisters were planning another. While I don't particularly think it is tacky to have a second shower when the children are so far apart I just didn't want another "shower". However my family insisted so we compromised. We had a Barbecue and pool party and asked people to just come and celebrate with us and share in our joy. All we asked of the guests was that they write a message to the baby on a picture frame mat to commemorate the day. Now most people did show up with gifts but that wasn't why we had it. It was a wonderfully joyful day and I cherish the memory of it.