Did I miss something? It's now acceptable to have a baby shower for the second baby?

[ReneeQ]

This is sort of budget related. I have a dear friend whom I've known for 23 years. She has one daughter, and when I met this friend the daughter was 2. She is now 25. This daughter had her first child 2 years ago, my friend's first grandchild, a girl. I went in with 2 other people and gave a VERY NICE baby shower. It was at a restaurant where we had a private room and were served dessert and coffee. Over 30 ladies attended.

It's now 2 years later, and this daughter is having her second child (another girl) in about 6 weeks. On Friday I received an invitation to a baby shower for this baby!!!! I was shocked. This is a first for me.

I spoke to another friend over the weekend about this. This friend is actually cousins with the other friend. I asked her what was going on and she said, "oh, you know how girls are these days, that seems to be the thing they do now." WHAT? So that makes it okay??? Isn't it our job as the "older generation" to teach them that's NOT the thing to do?

Am I being unreasonable? I actually have already bought a gift for this baby, as I would give a gift whether or not there is a shower, as this is the second grandchild to my dear friend, and I am close to them all. I will just give that gift at the shower. Despite the fact that she is registered at Target!

But I just find the whole second baby SHOWER thing tacky. She should have all the "basics" as she has a girl already that is only 2. The stuff shouldn't be worn out. I have not spoken to the friend herself yet. But I would be embarrased to have MY friends invited to another shower for my child's second baby. I don't have children of my own, but that's how I would feel. Did I miss something? Is this now okay and my feelings are unjustified?

 

[hiwaygal]

This is news to me...

maybe I'm part of that "younger" generation...but I thought the baby shower was for gifts for the baby. And I would expect there to be a shower even if the new baby has an older sibling.

But...what do I know!

 

[JillandFamily]

I would expect a second baby shower if there were a number of years between children (like 5). Both of my sisters we had showers for the first children and then there other 2 we had like a lunch for very close family and friends and was kept very small, so maybe that is what your friend is doing?

 

[indylaw99]

I think it depends on the situation. I was new to my company when I had my first daughter. My mother-in-law through a shower in my home town and invited her friends, my moms friends, some family members, and a few of my friends from high school that still lived there.

Two years later when I got pregnant again, I had a lot more friends at work. My colleagues who did not know me when my first daughter was born threw me a surprise shower with only people from work. None of the people who were at my first shower were at my second, so it was not very weird to me. However, I was definitely not expecting it and wasn't going to ask anyone for one.

I also had a friend recently who had a baby when she was just out of high school (a girl). Fast forward 5 years and she had married a new man in a new city and was pregnant again. The husband's family threw a big shower for her with lots of friends and family. I imagine many of them were at her first shower. But it made sense that the husband's family wanted to have a shower for the new baby in their family since it was the husband's first child.

On the flip side, my sister just had her second baby boy in 2 years in the same city with the same friends. I thought it was totally tacky and did not send a gift again. But I still bought him a swing and make him a quilt after he was born.

With so many people moving around the country...non-traditional family structures...etc, I think it is hard to apply the rules of etiquete anymore. Do what feels right. No one should EVER expect a gift for ANYTHING. They should be happy if they get them.

 

[Desnik]

Well I had 2 showers!!LOL My kids are 5 years apart and my oldest is a girl and my second is a boy. I needed everything! My sister hosted my first shower and my mom the second. Both were out at a restaurant and mostly family was there. I do not think it is tacky.

I am actually going to my cousins baby shower in 2 weeks for her second baby. But her kids will be 10 years apart!!!

It is rather common in my family and circle of friends to have a shower for every baby!

I am planning on a third and if all goes well there will be 4 years between the second and the third and I will definately have another shower!!

 

[pigletof4]

Well, I totally agree with you. I had a shower 10 years ago for my first. Last year I decided that we were done after #3 who had just turned 4. I gave away all of the baby stuff and the likes. In November, I found out I was pregnant with #4. DH and I had decided that we would just buy everything thing ourselves. Well, my mother and sister are planning a shower which I did veto, but they said they were having it with or without me. I tried to register for stuff, but am having a hard time doing this because I don't want people to feel that they have to buy me something or even come. Most of the people being invited were at the first shower.

 

[babiesX2]

It is the height of rudeness and tackyness. When I am invited to such events (shower for 2nd baby, housewarming for an apartment or a couple moving in together, etc.), I ignore the invitation. Simply put, I ignore it. If it is brought up asking why I didn't come I ignore the question and talk about the weather. If they can't figure out on their own it is tacky then nothing I say is going to make a difference. My girls are spaced 12 years apart. It is not my friend's and family's responsibility to make sure my kids have what they need. That is mine and my dh's responsibility. We had many people wanting to give us a shower for the twins. I politely declined all offers. Some insisted and I politely stated that I would not attend because we didn't feel comfortable with the idea.

To the OP: No, you are not wrong in how you feel. Ignore the registry at Target and give the gift you originally purchased. If you want to attend the shower, then do so to support your friend.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I totally agree with the original poster. Being a southerner it just isn't done and is considered tacky.

 

[kilee]

For me it really depends on the situation. My aunt recently had a "2nd baby shower". However, at the time her youngest was 15- so she really had nothing left. I also had a friend that had one w/ her second baby. Similar situation though. This was her dh's first baby. Her only other child was 11. So, it's not like she was having one every 2-3 years or something. Those are the only 2 times I've been to a shower that was for baby #2.

 

[taximomfor4]

I am on the fence, on this one. I'd say that it really depends. If I am really, really close to the people, I love to celebrate the baby-to-be with them. But if it is a less close relationship, then it sort of feels like a gift-begging thing. That said, I had some sort of baby party/shower with most of my kids (3 out of 4 of them). Some were tiny (like 6 people were there), the first one was the big one with family, friends, coworkers, etc. The second one was dh's first baby --actually, his family's first baby of the generation. The 4th one was just a big cookout for our family/friends (men, women, and children). A small circle of people ( my best friends and some family members) brought gifts though.

I just look at it as celebrating a new baby's coming. In my mind, they each can have a party. But the registering for gifts, inviting EVERYONE, favors and games, etc do seem over the top I guess.

 

[hiwaygal]

I love this place!!

Learn something new every day!!

 

[Feralpeg]

I don't think it is tacky at all. I only have one child, but I didn't have a shower for myself. I didn't ask anyone to have a shower for me. My friends gave me a shower because they wanted to. I go to showers and give gifts for each child because each child is just as special as the first. Why shouldn't each child start out with new things. Of course, I would check with the mom to see if there are things she already has and doesn't need again.

It amazes me that people see showers as an obligation. It shouldn't be looked upon that way. If you don't want to give a gift, then don't.

 

[jeanadave]

It happens ALOT where I work. I wouldn't really mind if they were years and years apart, but sometimes, the woman's first child is only a few years old and the one they're pregnant with is the same sex. I have basically quit attending showers. We have alot of people where I work and it seemed like every month there was a shower for someone - getting married, having a baby, etc. BUT, I've got the kicker of the showers - they had one for someone who was becoming a GRANDMOTHER!! That's when I said, no more!

 

[Lucky'sMom]

I absolutely agree that a second shower only 2 years apart is tacky. I also have recently learned of this new trend, and think it is not appropriate. I would, however, be happy to attend a shower for someone who is having a baby many years after her last, and has obviously not held on to anything. But for women having babies in reasonable time period, I feel one shower is sufficient. (I have 3 kids each 2 years apart, and had one shower before the first.)

 

[pearlieq]

I think this is hugely tacky! A baby isn't an excuse to grab for "stuff", and the baby doesn't care if they have new things. Since when are "new" things required for a normal life event?

Every baby should be celebrated, but not with a shower after the first. I'm even iffy on showers on babies spaced far apart. One is the most I'd ever do for anyone.

 

[DianeV]

I think its tacky too and didnt do it. My girls are about 2 1/2 years apart and we just "knew" that isnt what you do. My kids even know now that the 2nd one wont have any baby shower pics because she was a "2nd baby"!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I had a second baby shower--but b/c a friend wanted to give it and it wasn't a "stuff grab". Just basic diapers and more momento type stuff.


I dont' think 2nd showers are tacky.

I do think 2nd registries are ESPECIALLY if it is for all stuff that can be reused. (Exception is clothing if 2nd child is opposite sex--but aside from onesies--who really registers anyway??)

I can also see it if there is a long time lapsed between children. But even then I woudl be iffy on the registry.

I had a shower for a friend who was having her 5th baby. It was our retreat team group and we all wanted to do something. It was very simple--dinner out at a lovely restaurant--again a supplies stockpiling gift situation (OUR idea---certainly not hers). And her water broke that evening......

You can look at it positively and look at it as a CELEBRATION of a new arrival.

Though--the Target registry. I'm not hip with that.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't think it is tacky at all. I only have one child, but I didn't have a shower for myself. I didn't ask anyone to have a shower for me.

This is how I thought all baby showers were?


So my question for all who think it is tacky--what if mom had nothing to do with it? People just wanted to do something nice?

 

[jennifer293]

I had 3 showers with my first child due to large family, large workplace, and a church. I had a girl the first time. 4 years later I got pregnant again with another girl. My mom I guess being a "southerner" felt no need to throw me a shower, but there were still things that were needed. I was talking to a friend of mine and she asked if anyone in my family was gonna throw me a shower and I said no. So within 2 weeks of that conversation she had taken my address book from DH and everyone in that address book had invitations to a baby shower at her house. She made it a diaper, wipes, and bathing shower since I had all the other things needed. My daughter had her 2nd birthday party today (April 16th) and I have yet to buy lotion, shampoo, baby powder etc. I bet I have enough to get her through this coming Christmas or so. I did not buy the first diaper for her until she was over a year old. So NO I do not think it is "TACKY" to have a shower for the second child because even though they do not need clothing or the big items they still need the little stuff that really adds up over time..

 

[MyGoofy26]

I have nothing of value to add, LOL, but I had never heard the "no multiple showers" rule. I guess I never paid any attention. . . I have no kids, my friends haven't started families yet and in my immediate family I was the only grandchild for 23 years, LOL! Not many babies born at work either, so I just haven't been to many showers over the years.

LOL, so I guess I didn't know it was tacky. . . but good to know the etiquette when I do start my family!