Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Well, we talked to nephew and he gave us some ballpark numbers. He's really trying to keep it Affordable so I'm hopeful we can manage the trip. We'll see just how much the surcharge for NEW Year's week will be.

Is he aware that there may be a surcharge for that week? And that flights will be more expensive?

 

[LiveYourLife]

People seem to be confusing "invitation" with "expectation."

This. 1000 times over and over.

The responses in this thread are hilarious. The last time I checked, an RSVP has a place where you can check yes OR no with regards to your attendance.

Calling someone selfish for choosing to have a destination wedding is way harsh.

I had a destination wedding because our friends and families are all over God's green earth and my Husband and I don't live in our hometowns - regardless of where the wedding took place everyone would have had to travel in some way, shape, or form.

I'm really glad that some of you weren't on my invitation list. Sheesh.

Signing Off,
A Very Selfish Former Destination Wedding Bride

PS: You all do know there is a great big, beautiful world that exists outside of Lake Buena Vista and Anaheim right?

 

[elaine amj]

Is he aware that there may be a surcharge for that week? And that flights will be more expensive?

I'm sure he does. He's been to Mexico 2-3 times, at least once over Christmas. his mom has also been going for some years.

 

[LiveYourLife]

Wanted to add. It is quite rude for anyone directly tied to the decision of a DW to give any of the guests, whether friends or family, "flack" about not attending.

That is not right, and as the host, to do that is very gauche.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Our nephew is planning a destination wedding at an all-inclusive in Mexico over New Year's. (prob around Dec 30th). I just want to get some perspective and ideas on how people feel about destination weddings and just how much sacrifice should be "expected" on the guests' part to be there. (and I'm also partly just venting!)

He hasn't set a date or an exact resort yet. We asked him today and they are waiting for prices to drop. About 6 months ago his mom gave us the heads up about his plans for a destination wedding. I agreed to work that into my plans. We can afford to go (with sacrifices), no matter how much it costs.

I've just decided to downsize our California (goodbye DLR!!) trip this summer to a roadtrip to save a bit more. For the wedding, I can comfortably (and extremely happily) afford about $3K , including flights for my family of 4 to go. I've been doing some preliminary price checking - and that's looking impossible. It's more likely to be about $5-$7K. (YIKES!!! I had absolutely NO idea when I first agreed to make plans to be there). Thinking abt it, I should have known - but I wasn't even thinking costs.

My biggest problem is - I'm having a hard time justifying that much money for a trip! Yes, we'll have fun (and I've been wanting to try an AI) - but I could have 2 trips somewhere I like more (like WDW ) for the same money! We travel a LOT - by following the deals. (like free dining at a value )

I'm starting to feel slightly resentful that it's very possible I'll have to give up most of the trips I really want to do next year. Unless we get a super deal, we'll be blowing all next year's vacation budget on this trip. I know DH will say just take it out of our retirement savings - but it's going to drive me bonkers to deviate from our savings plans like that. Plus, I hate how irresponsible that makes me feel. BUT...both DH and I will be pretty upset to give up 3 weeks of trips next year to vacation for just 1 week. We adore our trips, so its a lot to give up.

On top of that, we're not hugely close to this nephew. Plus, his father (DH's brother) likely won't be able to go and his sister (who he's close to) definitely can't go. My other SIL has the money but really doesn't want to spend it in Mexico. Another BIL won't be going because of $$. DH's mom and dad won't be going. Although I don't want what others do or don't do to dictate our actions, my DH is upset that so many family members won't be at this family wedding (from our side, we will likely be the only ones there). I feel like, "If he doesn't mind that his dad and his sister may not be there, why should he mind if we don't show up?!"

I feel guilted into going because his mother will be furious with us. (Especially if we do WDW or a cruise or something soon after!).

We don't know what we'll do yet. At first we were completely committed to going. We want to be there for our nephew but now the financial reality is settling in and I'm not liking the looks of it but feeling a lot of family pressure. It's unlikely they will "understand" and I can see grudges being held for a long time to come.

Some perspective will be VERY welcome!

If the bride and groom are really concerned about who would show up at their wedding then they wouldn't have a destination wedding to begin with.

It's their choice to have their wedding in Mexico, so no way would I feel obligated to spend the extra $$$ to attend.

 

[Pigeon]

A destination wedding just screams that the couple really doesn't care whether or not people can attend. If somebody wants to have one, fine, but count me out. I wouldn't go to anyone's destination wedding.

 

[elaine amj]

I have to say I think they are crazy to have a DW...(not that I will tell them as they have not asked my opinion.) His sister cannot go...she'll have a new baby. His father has major health issues, so the possibility is that he may not be there (and doesn't care for it much anyway...he hasn't gone with my SIL on most of her Mexico trips). My other BIL definitely cannot afford to go. My MIL (his grandma) is too frail to go.

Then again, I doubt my nephew cares much as he is not close to our side of the family. But his own sister and father?!!

 

[LiveYourLife]

I have to say I think they are crazy to have a DW...(not that I will tell them as they have not asked my opinion.) His sister cannot go...she'll have a new baby. His father has major health issues, so the possibility is that he may not be there (and doesn't care for it much anyway...he hasn't gone with my SIL on most of her Mexico trips). My other BIL definitely cannot afford to go. My MIL (his grandma) is too frail to go.

Then again, I doubt my nephew cares much as he is not close to our side of the family. But his own sister and father?!!

OP, don't go. It seems like you are looking for reasons to justify your absence. But don't be critical and judgmental of the choices other people make. Be happy your nephew didn't ask either of your kids to BE in the wedding, then you'd really be in a pickle.

 

[okeydokey]

I have to say I think they are crazy to have a DW...(not that I will tell them as they have not asked my opinion.) His sister cannot go...she'll have a new baby. His father has major health issues, so the possibility is that he may not be there (and doesn't care for it much anyway...he hasn't gone with my SIL on most of her Mexico trips). My other BIL definitely cannot afford to go. My MIL (his grandma) is too frail to go.

Then again, I doubt my nephew cares much as he is not close to our side of the family. But his own sister and father?!!

Well, that should make it easy then. The groom doesn't care if his family goes. If he doesn't care, nobody else should care either. Go on the vacation that YOUR family wants to go on, and don't look back.

 

[elaine amj]

Oh I do want to go....just giving myself a way out if it ends up being exorbitant amounts of money. This has been a "thinking aloud" exercise as I was of the belief that I *had* to go since we can afford it, even if it is a stretch.

We were actually looking forward to it until my responsible budget side actually started looking at quotes last night (and freaking out)!!

All the different perspectives really help me gain a better picture of our decision.

 

[elaine amj]

OP, don't go. It seems like you are looking for reasons to justify your absence. But don't be critical and judgmental of the choices other people make. Be happy your nephew didn't ask either of your kids to BE in the wedding, then you'd really be in a pickle.

Ultimately it's his choice and I completely respect that. I still think its nuts and could never do it myself....but that's just my opinion (which is worth much less than 2 cents!). To each, his own.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

It is pretty simple, if you want to go, then go. If not, don't. An invitation does not mean you have to go. Being a grown up means being able to say "no thank you" if you don't want to go, don't want to spend the money, don't care for Mexico,WHATEVER reason you don't want to go. I guarantee the couple will not be offended if you can't come.

I DO think its going to be a lot more expensive since it is week of holiday,which might be cost prohibitive, but if you decide you do want to go it might be fun.

The thing I have learned, no matter what you do for your wedding, people are going to criticize and complain about it. You have it in your hometown your spouses family has to travel. They will complain. You have in in his hometown, your family has to travel. They will complain. You have a shower, people will think something about it is tacky. You invite kids, you don't invite kids, people are going to gripe. You have an open bar, you have a cash bar, people will complain. You have a fancy wedding, your a brat, you have a low key wedding your cheap. You elope and have a party/reception after it is a gift grab, people complain.

You will NEVER please the complainers. They will find something to complain about no matter what.

This is why we eloped.

I could marry this post but then I would have to plan a wedding....

 

[2girls4me]

We are having the same issue now.

My bil is getting married in Disney at the end of the year. There are a whole.host of other expenses with a disneynwedding, IMO. We will either use our DVC points or wait to,see if a good package seal comes out.

We just came back from Disney a few weeks ago and don't really want to go back. No flames please but Disney twice in one year is not our thing. And our Mach trip was planned, booked and paid for, so canceling was not an option.

I'm trying to see the good in this second trip. It will be shorter so less $$$. And my girls are flower girls so we will be getting a free photo shoot esentially. It sounds bad I know, but it's what I'm telling myself to get through it.

However, they will not be getting a monetary gift. (standard LI practice). But they've already received a engagement gift and of course as shower gift when the shower comes.

I agree with pp's that say its selfish. It's a lot of money to expet people to pay for "your" day.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I could marry this post but then I would have to plan a wedding....

With a cash bar, a cover your plate expectation, and on the Island of Mustique!

ETA: Don't forget the evites!!!

 

[WowLookAtThat]

With a cash bar, a cover your plate expectation, and on the Island of Mustique!

ETA: Don't forget the evites!!!

Have you ever laughed so hard soda came out your nose because that just happened.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I agree with pp's that say its selfish. It's a lot of money to expet people to pay for "your" day.

It's the Couples' choice to have a destination wedding. It's your choice to not go. I guess I'm not seeing how selfish plays into the equation.

I've never received an invitation to any event that said my presence was mandatory, or as you stated above expected. That's why there is the option of a "yes I will attend" or "no I won't attend" on those little response card thingys (yes, I know they are called RSVP cards).

Sweet cheeses, people are so judgey.

 

[bellebud]

A destination wedding over New Years at an all inclusive resort = the location is what's important to nephew and future bride, not who is at their wedding. They're choosing to go out of the country at the most expensive time of year. They cannot possibly be thinking of the guest list as a priority. And there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I wish I did that - eloped on a beach instead of a traditional wedding.

I honestly think an aunt/uncle, who aren't even that close to nephew, being practically the only ones going on that side of the family, would be kind of weird anyway.

There's no way I'd go without my children either. If I couldn't afford it for all of us, we wouldn't do it.

And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't use any retirement money for this. That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

If you guys can look at this as a great vacation, then by all means do it. Otherwise, I'd honestly forget about it, with no guilt.

If one of my kids decided to have a destination wedding, I wouldn't expect anyone to be able to attend. I'd also make sure my child completely understood that. Your sil sounds like a piece of work to get upset at anyone not being able to attend. I wouldn't give her a second thought.

 

[2girls4me]

It's the Couples' choice to have a destination wedding. It's your choice to not go. I guess I'm not seeing how selfish plays into the equation.

I've never received an invitation to any event that said my presence was mandatory, or as you stated above expected. That's why there is the option of a "yes I will attend" or "no I won't attend" on those little response card thingys (yes, I know they are called RSVP cards).

Sweet cheeses, people are so judgey.

Ok, sarcasm. I get it.

I think the bride and groom expect their immediate family to attend.

Dw are not my thing.

We'll find a way to go, but it still bugs me.

 

[LiveYourLife]

Have you ever laughed so hard soda came out your nose because that just happened.

Shaka Brah ~m/

New screen coming your way

 

[LiveYourLife]

Ok, sarcasm. I get it.

I think the bride and groom expect their immediate family to attend.

Dw are not my thing.

We'll find a way to go, but it still bugs me.

Question, what if your BIL's wedding was not at WDW. Say it was in Minot, ND, because that is the Bride's hometown and where most of her Family lives. Would it still bug you? Would you feel this particular choice of Wedding location was selfish? I'm genuinely curious. No snark. No sarcasm. Honest engine