Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[goofy4tink]

I assume you are pricing for you and your spouse and two children? If so, can the kids stay with someone while you and your spouse go? Or, if your husband wants to go so badly, just send him.

I would never take money from my retirement account to go to anyone's wedding. Never, ever, ever.

It sounds to me that you don't want to go and that maybe your husband is on the fence. Given the situation you have described, I would send my regrets.

I think when one chooses to have a destination wedding they need to accept the fact that many (most or all) potential guests won't be able to come, won't be able to afford to come, or won't want to travel. If people get their panties in a bunch, oh well. If they want people to attend, then have the wedding at home.

This!!! Agree 100%
My nephew is getting married in June...in Tacoma Wa!! I live in central Mass!! Am I thrilled? Nope. My dh isn't going, and my 19 y/o dd said no way...she is heading to her job at camp right after I plan on returning home, and she wants to spend some time with her high school buddies before heading off for 6 weeks of work!!
So, because I know my mother would expect me to go, and take her place, I'll go, solo! I've already sent a wedding gift. I told my brother that I would have to check finances to see how affordable it would be to get a room, rent a car in addition to airfare...he told me he would pick me up and return me to the airport, and that I would be staying at their house. So, I have no excuse not to go.
But I have to tell you..if it cost more than $1000 to go and be a part of the wedding fun? I wouldn't be going. I think planning a destination wedding is wonderful. But you have to realize, right up front, that a lot of people aren't going to be able to attend. My youngest dd is hoping for a WDW wedding. And we all know that if she does that, when the time comes, it will be a very small wedding. We will send out invites but make it very clear that if the person feels they can't come due to monetary concerns, that's fine. We just didn't want to not include them!!! It would be beyond rude to expect someone to go into their retirement money to afford a destination wedding trip for someone they weren't all that close to.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I feel guilted into going because his mother will be furious with us. (Especially if we do WDW or a cruise or something soon after!).

THIS is the problem.
Nobody has the right to 'guilt' somebody else, and be just 'furious', with them. THAT is where this is all just so wrong.

If your nephew's fiance, and himself, want a Destination Wedding...
then, let them have at it!!!! They may have to learn the hard way that there might be a very, very, limited guest list. Too bad, so sad!!! Reality people!!!

Make the decision that is best for you and your family.

PS: Are you sure that this wedding will not be at an Adult Only Resort.
We are considering visiting an adult only resort during this time-frame. (unlike you, we truly cant afford it... but ran up on an incredible deal... prices are now more than DOUBLE.) I am hoping that there are not a lot of people planning huge New Year weddings at Secrets... Because, truthfully, large wedding/convention groups are known to really negatively impact the overall vibe.

Anyhow, if it is an All Adult wedding... your kids would not be attending. And, THAT money could be used for a family vacation??? Or do you know that your kids are expected to be there?

PS: I would have no problem visiting a nice AI resort in Mexico over Disney. Really.... Personally, I might consider it, if the time-frame and the price were doable.

 

[DLgal]

Most weddings are destination weddings for at least SOME guests. Unless you have every family member and friend you've ever known all live together in the same place, it's quite uncommon for people to not have to travel to attend a wedding.

And what's with the "destination weddings are a cheap way to push the costs onto the guests" sentiment all about? We had a destination wedding, and the cost of the wedding was the same whether we had 0 or 100 guests (would have been cheaper with 0, actually, based on food cost for the reception). We still had to pay to use the space, have the reception, the photographer, the cake, etc. Our guests that attended did not help to offset the cost of the wedding in any way. Our reception food budget was based on how many people came...$150 per person was the cost for the plated dinner we served.

We've had to travel to attend every wedding we've ever gone to. We don't live in the same place as anyone else we are close to. We just attended a wedding in CA last year and had to fly from the east coast. We turned it into an opportunity to got to DL, visit family in So Cal and the Bay Area, etc. The "wedding" trip turned into a vacation that cost us over $5k, but it was totally worth it.

It's a personal decision, but don't worry that your nephew will be offended if you don't go. I had a number of my family not attend our destination wedding, and I have no issues with them at all (this was 10+ years ago too).

 

[DeaverTex]

In my very personal opinion, a destination wedding is indeed a selfish choice. Other people may very well want to share the couple's day with them, and destination weddings keep a lot of potential guests at home. Still, it's their wedding, and they're entitled to be selfish about it -- but if anyone else is "expected" to attend, and the couple aren't paying the expenses, then it goes past a reasonable selfishness to rudeness. I think that the bottom line should be:

"Am I comfortable and happy spending the money to attend this wedding?"

If the answer is no, then send regrets and move on. Notice I didn't say anything about being able to afford it, or about setting priorities, or any of those Disboard financial wizardly things.

Personally, I wouldn't even THINK about spending $3K to go to anybody's wedding, period. But then, I'm notoriously cheap.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP---I have to wonder if your nephew is aware of the pressure being placed on you? The people I have known who had destination weddings were ALL fine with people not coming if it was too expensive for them (or just not a place they wanted to go) and expected a very small number of guests. In at least one case, other family members (parents, siblings) played guilt games trying to get extended family there--and the bride and groom were so upset when they learned that had been done.

SO, my first impulse would be to communicate directly with my nephew and explain to him that I am concerned about cost, and ask him how he would feel about us not being there, etc.

How about expecting your family to give up their holoday time for you, pushing the cost of your wedding onto your guests, saying my day is worth thousands of your dollars. No a destination wedding is a selfish indulgence you have to decide I want my family there so make it possible for them to attend or it's just you and the partner any if the others want to attend any of them.

Unless all of your family essentially lives within a day's drive you are going to run into that anyway. I have seen destination weddings done partly to prevent the hurt feelings of having to choose which side of the family to have the wedding close to.

Like, where should my DD get married when she is older? Here in Germany where she has spent her life since a teen? In Mexico, by my family? In Colorado by the majority of DH's family? Near her spouse's to be family? What if the spouse's family is as spread out as ours is?

 

[nemajovc]

I agree with telling family you can't exceed set budget for the DW. If it's more than that then you can back out and send some of the money as a present that you saved by NOT going.
We've done that before when a DW was doable but very inconvenient-the wedding couple and family were very gracious and happy to accept a large check to help out with their new house.

 

[mrsklamc]

So if a family member couldn't afford to go to the wedding you would assume that they can't be happy for him, that is a selfish attitude, what happens if a they can't afford to go or b their boss won't give them the time off to go?

That is not what she is saying, at all. She's saying, "go & be happy, don't go and that's fine too, but either way don't complain about it."

 

[2girls4me]

Oye!

We have my bil's wedding in Disney at the end of the year. It's a huge expense for us. Both girls are flower girls, dh is a groomsman. We are planning to go fri-Monday wih 2 days of park tickets.

IMO, Disney weddings are worse then a typical dw, say to the DR or Aruba. We really had to think about going. We just came back from a trip to wdw a few weeks ago. We didn't really want to go again. (no flames please, it's just not our thing)

We will book our flight soon, to get the lowest fare. We may use our DVC points for our room. Or may wait until a better package comes out.

They are not getting a monetary gift from us. (it's a standard LI thing) but will give a gift at shower and already gave engagement gift.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I still agree with Mystery Machine...
Even the initial expectation that people should pay THAT kind of money for the honor of being at YOUR wedding... laughable... really...

And, yes VERY selfish.

If the couple wants to get married on a Beach in Mexico, for their pleasure... Fine. I say, "Have at it!!!!". Just do not have any expectation that 'I' will be there. THAT is what is laughable and selfish.

And, to those who are saying that the couple really is not too wrapped up in who will be there.... The OP has stated that the grooms mother will guilt them, and be 'just furious'. THAT SAYS IT ALL.

I don't live my live to appease other peoples drama....

Also... Sure, for anyone who doesn't live locally, a wedding might be a destination wedding... But that is NOT a destination wedding at a All Inclusive Resort, in another country, that cost THOUSANDS of dollars.

Sorry, but that whole... any wedding is a destination wedding analogy is just OFF.... Big time... Doesn't apply to a situation like this at all.

 

[okeydokey]

A destination wedding is cheaper for the bridal couple and pricey for everyone else. If only a few people come, there are only a few people to pay for. A lot of times the bridal couple gets their room comped by the resort for bringing in 7 or 8 other rooms.

It is OK to have one as long as you don't expect people to go, even immediate family.

The fact that the OP is going to get flack for not going is crazy. If people are so upset that you are not attending then they can pay your way. It is unbelieveably selfish of people to EXPECT that they can tell other people how to spend their money and vacation time.

 

[luvdzny]

My DD had a destination wedding in Jamaica in 2011. When we started planning we were aware that many people would not be able to attend. It was not because DD & DSIL were selfish, it was just the wedding that they wanted. We would have loved to have a lot of people attend, but knew it wouldn't happen. We had a small group of close family and friends and really enjoyed it.

If your nephew is expecting everyone to be there that is selfish. If he is just inviting a lot of people then I do not see the problem.

If you and your family do not feel good about going, then stay home and plan the vacations that you want, if you are not close to him anyway it should not be a problem.

We did have a reception at home for the ones that did not go to Jamaica with us. We never made anyone feel guilty about not going to Jamaica!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I still agree with Mystery Machine...
Even the initial expectation that people should pay THAT kind of money for the honor of being at YOUR wedding... laughable... really...

And, yes VERY selfish.

If the couple wants to get married on a Beach in Mexico, for their pleasure... Fine. I say, "Have at it!!!!". Just do not have any expectation that 'I' will be there. THAT is what is laughable and selfish.

And, to those who are saying that the couple really is not too wrapped up in who will be there.... The OP has stated that the grooms mother will guilt them, and be 'just furious'. THAT SAYS IT ALL.

I don't live my live to appease other peoples drama....

Also... Sure, for anyone who doesn't live locally, a wedding might be a destination wedding... But that is NOT a destination wedding at a All Inclusive Resort, in another country, that cost THOUSANDS of dollars.

Sorry, but that whole... any wedding is a destination wedding analogy is just OFF.... Big time... Doesn't apply to a situation like this at all.

Actually--that says NOTHING about how the groom feels about the OPs family being there. All it tells us that that the OP is not communicating directly with the groom and that his mom wants them there. It could well be that she (the groom's mom) wants a big family wedding and is upset that not many are coming since it is a destination and that the bride and groom want a small wedding and having the destination wedding is a way to accomplish that without offending people (or their moms) by not inviting them.

If the OP does not talk to her nephew she has no way of knowing how he and his fiancee feel about any of it.

 

[mjkacmom]

A destination wedding is cheaper for the bridal couple and pricey for everyone else. If only a few people come, there are only a few people to pay for. A lot of times the bridal couple gets their room comped by the resort for bringing in 7 or 8 other rooms.

It is OK to have one as long as you don't expect people to go, even immediate family.

The fact that the OP is going to get flack for not going is crazy. If people are so upset that you are not attending then they can pay your way. It is unbelieveably selfish of people to EXPECT that they can tell other people how to spend their money and vacation time.

Where did she say she was getting flack?! She only mentioned that her sister would be mad (assuming she would be, not that this has actually happened).

 

[aprilgail2]

Sorry but a nephew expecting a relative to spend that amount on his "special day" is an entitled brat that is way too much and if he wants you there he should factor that into his wedding cost. This destination wedding lark is an attempt to put most of the cost on guests to be cheap and is rude and selfish!

I agree! I would never spend money that I could use for a vacation someplace I want to go on someone elses destination wedding! No way!

 

[aprilgail2]

We did have a reception at home for the ones that did not go to Jamaica with us. We never made anyone feel guilty about not going to Jamaica!

See I feel that is even worse now! Having a reception home after a destination wedding is just like saying "hey, we already got married-just come bring us a gift".

 

[elaine amj]

Also, keep in mind dear nephew might pick an AI that doesn't allow kids. Have a response prepared for that as well.

ACK!!!! I wouldnt even have thought of that at all. I dont believe this is his plans. He has never breathed a word about it. Children have always, always been a part of this familys weddings. I'm going to ask him about this - there is no way we would do it without our kids.

PS: I would have no problem visiting a nice AI resort in Mexico over Disney. Really.... Personally, I might consider it, if the time-frame and the price were doable.

I was initially quite excited about visiting an AI - always wanted to try one, but price/timing never quite worked out. Its the financial realities of an AI over New Years at peak pricing that has me freaking out.

I think that the bottom line should be:

"Am I comfortable and happy spending the money to attend this wedding?"

If the answer is no, then send regrets and move on. Notice I didn't say anything about being able to afford it, or about setting priorities, or any of those Disboard financial wizardly things.

Personally, I wouldn't even THINK about spending $3K to go to anybody's wedding, period. But then, I'm notoriously cheap.

Ha ha - we are cheapskates too - which is why I started reconsidering this wedding. We are going to have to decide if we will be happy spending the money attending this wedding. My DH had his first *slow this gravy train down* moment when I told him we should cancel our DLR trip this summer to save the airmiles and $$ for this DW. I think we were living in dreamland thinking this trip wasnt going to have a financial impact on us.

Like, where should my DD get married when she is older? Here in Germany where she has spent her life since a teen? In Mexico, by my family? In Colorado by the majority of DH's family? Near her spouse's to be family? What if the spouse's family is as spread out as ours is?

I solved this conundrum by getting married 3 times - in 3 different countries! It was crazy, it was wild, it was SO WORTH IT to make sure EVERYONE could be a part of our celebration.

It really depends on how you view a wedding. Some people view it strictly as a ceremony/vow between two people only. The family and friends are optional. Others view it as that same type of scenario; however, having friends and family witness their proclamation of commitment is necessary and expected. If you are a person who believes in the second version of a wedding then having a destination wedding and expecting your family to attend IS selfish. If you follow #1, then you're not selfish at all.

For me, weddings are about family and friends celebrating with the couple. So while I get destination weddings....I really dont get it LOL!

In every destination wedding thread from the guest perspective people assume that the bride/groom would be "furious" that the invited guest didn't attend.

In my experience, as someone who had a destination wedding (of sorts, my now ex & I got married where we lived however our entire families had to travel) and has been involved with no less than 9 destination weddings ... The bride and groom have never cared who shows and who doesn't.

It's the guests who almost always treat the invitation as a summons.

Can't afford it, don't want to go...don't go. Really. Not that huge of a deal. I have never seen WWIII started in families over this.

Ive been reading too many bridezilla forum postings! Many say, "well, I gave them a year to save up - no reason why they shouldnt be able to come" . Or "I cant believe so-and-so does not want to make the extra effort to be a part of my special day".

 

[mrsklamc]

People seem to be confusing "invitation" with "expectation."

 

[SC Minnie]

DH brother had a destination wedding last summer at an AI in Mexico. It was at a resort for 16 an above- no kids. For the 3 of us we spent over $5000 for airfare and for the room for 5 days. We had a great time and it was nice to not have to worry about a big bill at the end of the week but it was expensive.

 

[luvdzny]

See I feel that is even worse now! Having a reception home after a destination wedding is just like saying "hey, we already got married-just come bring us a gift".

Weddings in your area must be very different then weddings around here. Very few people in this area actually attend the wedding ceremony. The church may have 50 people but the receptions will have 200+. For most guests the wedding is just an excuse to party with free food and drink.

DD and DSIL were young when they got married, 22 and 21, most of their friends were college students without much money. The reception invitation said please come and celebrate our marriage. No gifts were expected and many guests did not bring gifts. We were just happy to have them there to celebrate with us!

In my opinion the couples that have huge elaborate weddings and expect the guest to cover the cost of their meal and drinks with their wedding gifts are the ones that are selfish.

 

[mjkacmom]

See I feel that is even worse now! Having a reception home after a destination wedding is just like saying "hey, we already got married-just come bring us a gift".

No it's not. Having a reception at home is to cool the feathers of those bent out of shape that the couple had a destination wedding, and it costs couples a lot of money. My sister had a destination wedding, partly because she and her DH were living in the area where he grew up, and she knew family and friends where she grew up might be put out having to travel.

Therefore, anyone who wanted to attend her actual ceremony were invited to do so, and they paid for a reception there. Then, they paid for another reception in their home town (Chicago - not a cheap area). Then, they paid for a third reception in her hometown. This was especially nice for the older family members not up for flying.

Most of those who attended her receptions would have given a gift regardless (and she and her DH are VERY financially secure - certainly not gift grabbers - the cost of the receptions was way more than they received in gifts).

They didn't want to hurt any feelings, and really wanted to be married on a tropical beach.