Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[FlightlessDuck]

There is no way I will go to Mexico under the current conditions of the area, regardless of whether it's for a wedding or how much it costs.

 

[Procrastinate]

I appreciate this thread. DH's nephew is having a destination wedding in Costa Rica. I know a lot of people love Costa Rica, but we have no desire to go there. Flights from here are ridiculously expensive and require an overnight layover. We have no desire to spend at least $5K to attend this event. The couple actually got married in a small ceremony last year that we were told not to attend, so they will have been married for a year by the time they have this destination "wedding". Based on this thread, I now feel much better about declining and spending less money to take my family on vacation at the destination of our choice!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I appreciate this thread. DH's nephew is having a destination wedding in Costa Rica. I know a lot of people love Costa Rica, but we have no desire to go there. Flights from here are ridiculously expensive and require an overnight layover. We have no desire to spend at least $5K to attend this event. The couple actually got married in a small ceremony last year that we were told not to attend, so they will have been married for a year by the time they have this destination "wedding". Based on this thread, I now feel much better about declining and spending less money to take my family on vacation at the destination of our choice!

Now THAT is just bananas.

 

[wilderness01]

No it's not. Having a reception at home is to cool the feathers of those bent out of shape that the couple had a destination wedding, and it costs couples a lot of money. My sister had a destination wedding, partly because she and her DH were living in the area where he grew up, and she knew family and friends where she grew up might be put out having to travel.

Therefore, anyone who wanted to attend her actual ceremony were invited to do so, and they paid for a reception there. Then, they paid for another reception in their home town (Chicago - not a cheap area). Then, they paid for a third reception in her hometown. This was especially nice for the older family members not up for flying.

Most of those who attended her receptions would have given a gift regardless (and she and her DH are VERY financially secure - certainly not gift grabbers - the cost of the receptions was way more than they received in gifts).

They didn't want to hurt any feelings, and really wanted to be married on a tropical beach.

OP~it sounds like you do not want to spend the money and are now trying to justify the reasons why. It's ok, you don't have to. It's your earned income, if you don't want to go with the cost involved, then don't. Just send your regrets. I'm sure the nephew will understand. The main part I don't understand is the nephew's father not going. THAT is unacceptable to me. I would never ever miss one of my kids' weddings. To each their own though.

Absolve yourself, stop stressing or discussing, and move on. It shouldn't matter if many people agree with you or disagree with you. All that matters is what is ok between you and your husband. It seems you have made your decision already, it's fine. Your nephew will understand.

Hope he has a wonderful, beautiful wedding. I would ask them to come over to see pictures and hear about the wedding when they came back. Give a wedding gift then, if you choose, and spend time together. I'm sure the couple would feel happy just spending time with you telling you all about their dream wedding.

It is about them choosing where to get married. I have never thought of a destination wedding as being selfish. I didn't have one, but I have seen them, been to one, and had a nice time. The people assuming this couple is selfish need to get over it. Live and let live. It's their day. Choose to go, choose to stay home. It's all good.

This board is so judgemental. How does anyone know what this couple truly feels but people on here are stating "facts" because they "know" and in their opinion, they "know" he is "selfish" or worse yet "cheap" because he is having a destination wedding. The OP doesn't even really know how the nephew feels, only that his mother would be upset. I did go to a destination wedding 2000 miles away. The expense was all on me. I didn't have to go, I chose to go. I didn't bring my family, I went myself because it was more cost effective. I didn't regret it, it was my choice.

 

[mrsklamc]

Now THAT is just bananas.

I totally agree.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

So there are 3 questions OP needs to ask, and she needs to ask the nephew directly:
1. Will the resort allow kids.
2. Does the nephew realize that a wedding the week of Christmas/New Year's is going to be more expensive not less. And the longer they wait to book, the more likely the popular (& safe) resorts will book up. A lot of people aren't aware of that.
3. How does the nephew feel about family not coming.

Ask the nephew, keep MIL out of it. Her emotions will skew the answers. I don't think you can make a decision until you know these answers.

OP there are a lot of emotions with this. It helps to step back and take as much emotion out of it as possible.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Sorry but a nephew expecting a relative to spend that amount on his "special day" is an entitled brat that is way too much and if he wants you there he should factor that into his wedding cost. This destination wedding lark is an attempt to put most of the cost on guests to be cheap and is rude and selfish!

It is an invitation, not a summons. I think it is selfish to think they need to have their wedding according to your standards. Don't like it? Don't go!

 

[FlyingDumbo]

It is pretty simple, if you want to go, then go. If not, don't. An invitation does not mean you have to go. Being a grown up means being able to say "no thank you" if you don't want to go, don't want to spend the money, don't care for Mexico,WHATEVER reason you don't want to go. I guarantee the couple will not be offended if you can't come.

I DO think its going to be a lot more expensive since it is week of holiday,which might be cost prohibitive, but if you decide you do want to go it might be fun.

The thing I have learned, no matter what you do for your wedding, people are going to criticize and complain about it. You have it in your hometown your spouses family has to travel. They will complain. You have in in his hometown, your family has to travel. They will complain. You have a shower, people will think something about it is tacky. You invite kids, you don't invite kids, people are going to gripe. You have an open bar, you have a cash bar, people will complain. You have a fancy wedding, your a brat, you have a low key wedding your cheap. You elope and have a party/reception after it is a gift grab, people complain.

You will NEVER please the complainers. They will find something to complain about no matter what.

This is why we eloped.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

That is not what she is saying, at all. She's saying, "go & be happy, don't go and that's fine too, but either way don't complain about it."

 

[okeydokey]

Where did she say she was getting flack?! She only mentioned that her sister would be mad (assuming she would be, not that this has actually happened).

In her first post she said:

I feel guilted into going because his mother will be furious with us. (Especially if we do WDW or a cruise or something soon after!).

Of course she is not mad yet, she still think she bullied the OP into going.

 

[hlg22]

It is an invitation, not a summons. I think it is selfish to think they need to have their wedding according to your standards. Don't like it? Don't go!

Exactly. I have accepted invitations to destination weddings when I want to and can afford to go, and declined invites to others when I don't/can't. Generally, I'd actually much prefer to spend a little more and go to a destination wedding somewhere interesting than a wedding in Omaha, or someplace, where I'd still have to travel, pay for a hotel room, etc.

At least with the destination weddings I've gone to, the bride and groom have not attempted to "guilt" people into attending, and have made it very clear that they do not want or expect gifts, as the guests' presence is the gift in and of itself. One of my best friends got married in the Virgin Islands, and they also made sure to provide several events for guests - a wine & cheese reception at the villa her parents had rented, a rehearsal dinner for everyone at a local restaurant, the wedding and reception, and a brunch the folllowing day. It was a fantastic trip - one of the best vacations I've ever taken, and it definitely wasn't a location that was on the top of my "travel to" list at the time.

 

[LittleKittyMarie]

This one is close to me since I'm having a destination wedding this summer (and at WDW, which is why I spend all my time on the DIS). We invited around 85 people and many of those people we knew right off the bat would not attend. We still sent them invitations though, because we didn't want them to think they were being snubbed or something. (There are exponential ways to accidentally displease people when planning a wedding.) But on the other hand, we have a bunch of family who love WDW and would love any excuse to plan a WDW vacation, and for them our wedding is that excuse.

One of my fiance's cousins gave us back the RSVP and said they couldn't attend because they were planning to go on a European cruise. Neither my fiance nor I batted an eyelash, instead we said "that's exciting!" Seriously, the bride and groom will not care. We know how much it is to ask for people to spend money going to a place they don't want to go to, and there is no way we would ever pressure or guilt any of our guests into attending. It's just an invitation.

Therefore, it's your money you should spend it how you wish. There is no such thing "how much is too much", it is completely and entirely up to you.

 

[elaine amj]

I appreciate this thread. DH's nephew is having a destination wedding in Costa Rica. I know a lot of people love Costa Rica, but we have no desire to go there. Flights from here are ridiculously expensive and require an overnight layover. We have no desire to spend at least $5K to attend this event. The couple actually got married in a small ceremony last year that we were told not to attend, so they will have been married for a year by the time they have this destination "wedding". Based on this thread, I now feel much better about declining and spending less money to take my family on vacation at the destination of our choice!

Good to know I'm not alone. I still don't know if we are going yet. We're going to wait and see once my nephew makes some decisions and gives us more details. A lot of the feedback is eye opening though. I completely expected to hear everyone say that yes we should go and that we should give up our other trips for family. If this was his brother, it would be different and I wouldn't even consider not going. I'm probably just putting too much pressure on ourselves. Thanks so much everyone!

DH is iffy abt Mexico, I think his coworkers are feeding him all kinds of horror stories. I told him our nephew and his mom and his sister have been going for years and we'll all be fine.

 

[gwynne]

Good to know I'm not alone. I still don't know if we are going yet. We're going to wait and see once my nephew makes some decisions and gives us more details. A lot of the feedback is eye opening though. I completely expected to hear everyone say that yes we should go and that we should give up our other trips for family. If this was his brother, it would be different and I wouldn't even consider not going. I'm probably just putting too much pressure on ourselves. Thanks so much everyone!

DH is iffy abt Mexico, I think his coworkers are feeding him all kinds of horror stories. I told him our nephew and his mom and his sister have been going for years and we'll all be fine.

You should do what works for you. Vacation weddings are generally expensive, and they can interfere with personal family plans. Send an extra nice gift if you can't go, and call it a day. Enjoy it if you go, don't worry about it if you don't. The happy couple gets your best wishes either way.

 

[Lynne M]

How about if just you and your DH go, just for a couple of days for the ceremony and reception? Your hotel costs would be significantly less, and you wouldn't be paying for the kids' flights. It wouldn't use up much vacation time, and you might be able to salvage at least one of your family vacations?

I haven't been to any destination weddings, but is it typical for guests to be expected to spend the whole week there? It seems these things are always week-long extravaganzas. Is it a horrible breach of etiquette if you only go to the ceremony and reception? Why?

IMO, it's not selfish to have a destination wedding. People should be able to get married anywhere they like. But I think you've gotta go in understanding that it's asking a lot of people to spend thousands of dollars and a big chunk of their yearly time off allotment to come to your wedding, and throwing guilt at people who choose not to attend is WAY out of line. And yes, selfish.

 

[LittleKittyMarie]

I haven't been to any destination weddings, but is it typical for guests to be expected to spend the whole week there? It seems these things are always week-long extravaganzas. Is it a horrible breach of etiquette if you only go to the ceremony and reception? Why?

No, I don't think that's typical and I don't think it's a breach of etiquette either. I could be wrong, but think a lot of all-inclusive resorts are package deals that require you to stay for a certain amount of time. I think most people just end up making it into a longer vacation rather than just fly out for one day or two (i.e. just the ceremony and reception).

 

[RadioNate]

It is pretty simple, if you want to go, then go. If not, don't. An invitation does not mean you have to go. Being a grown up means being able to say "no thank you" if you don't want to go, don't want to spend the money, don't care for Mexico,WHATEVER reason you don't want to go. I guarantee the couple will not be offended if you can't come.

I DO think its going to be a lot more expensive since it is week of holiday,which might be cost prohibitive, but if you decide you do want to go it might be fun.

The thing I have learned, no matter what you do for your wedding, people are going to criticize and complain about it. You have it in your hometown your spouses family has to travel. They will complain. You have in in his hometown, your family has to travel. They will complain. You have a shower, people will think something about it is tacky. You invite kids, you don't invite kids, people are going to gripe. You have an open bar, you have a cash bar, people will complain. You have a fancy wedding, your a brat, you have a low key wedding your cheap. You elope and have a party/reception after it is a gift grab, people complain.

You will NEVER please the complainers. They will find something to complain about no matter what.

This is why we eloped.

Can't win.

 

[gwynne]

How about if just you and your DH go, just for a couple of days for the ceremony and reception? Your hotel costs would be significantly less, and you wouldn't be paying for the kids' flights. It wouldn't use up much vacation time, and you might be able to salvage at least one of your family vacations?

I haven't been to any destination weddings, but is it typical for guests to be expected to spend the whole week there? It seems these things are always week-long extravaganzas. Is it a horrible breach of etiquette if you only go to the ceremony and reception? Why?

IMO, it's not selfish to have a destination wedding. People should be able to get married anywhere they like. But I think you've gotta go in understanding that it's asking a lot of people to spend thousands of dollars and a big chunk of their yearly time off allotment to come to your wedding, and throwing guilt at people who choose not to attend is WAY out of line. And yes, selfish.

I think many vacation wedding packages are based on the resort selling so many nights, and there are booking minimums, etc.
On the other hand, I know when we fly to weddings that are in the bride's or groom's hometown, we fly in the day before and leave the day after.

 

[rigs32]

If I were planning a wedding, I think it would be selfish for guests to tell me how and when to hold the event. My current S/O has such a huge family that a wedding in his hometown would be at least 75% his guests and almost completely paid for by me because of our incomes. I would be resentful of an expectation that I shoulder such a burden that I don't want to please someone else on a day that is supposed to be an expression of my feelings.

You cannot call the OP's nephew selfish for the attitude of his mother.

An invitation is not a summons.

Go if you want to. Don't go if you don't want to.

If you get flack about not going, I would look his mom in the eye and say "we can afford this other trip, but we can't afford 7k for the wedding." I'd probably go so far as to comment on how long it would take me to earn that money or how many mortgage payments it would be.

 

[elaine amj]

Well, we talked to nephew and he gave us some ballpark numbers. He's really trying to keep it Affordable so I'm hopeful we can manage the trip. We'll see just how much the surcharge for NEW Year's week will be.