Dealing with a Groomzilla...

[LBIJim]

I'm surprised the main issue here is the music and not the church.

The daughter was raised Catholic, but based on the original post, it doesn't appear she's anything more than lukewarm about religion anymore, if at all.

 

[sukhakuli]

My sister was planning a wedding that my parents were paying for. My mom threw a big fit because it wasn't exactly what she wanted. It hurt my sister very much, and she finally had enough, canceled the whole thing and eloped. She didn't even tell us she was married for almost a year.

When it came time for my wedding, my parents learned their lesson and kept their mouths shut about everything. And we had a beautiful wedding that they enjoyed very much.

It's your daughter and her future husband's wedding. They get to make the decisions, even decisions that you don't like. It's their wedding. If you can't give up control, then don't pay for it. But you are probably going to hurt your daughter, and cause a rift in the family. That's your decision. But obviously your daughter is willing to let her husband have a say in their wedding. That means that his choices are hers, too. You should respect that.

 

[cabanafrau]

The other point that has jumped out at me from the OP is that the groom wanted to be the deciding factor in the dress the bride wears. Since when??? Is he really that controlling? Maybe its different in the US, but here in the UK grooms don't have any say in the brides dress, or even see it until she arrives to be married.

Claire

This is actually one of the biggest things that jumped out at me from the beginning. It's very telling that he's very vested in this decision and seems to have no problem expressing it with an intent that his opinion should carry significant weight. This disturbs me far beyond the surface issue of a dress worn on a single day.

The daughter was raised Catholic, but based on the original post, it doesn't appear she's anything more than lukewarm about religion anymore, if at all.

Pretty common at this stage of life. What happens when kids come along? Have they discussed the plan and are they on the same page?

My sister was planning a wedding that my parents were paying for. My mom threw a big fit because it wasn't exactly what she wanted. It hurt my sister very much, and she finally had enough, canceled the whole thing and eloped. She didn't even tell us she was married for almost a year.

When it came time for my wedding, my parents learned their lesson and kept their mouths shut about everything. And we had a beautiful wedding that they enjoyed very much.

It's your daughter and her future husband's wedding. They get to make the decisions, even decisions that you don't like. It's their wedding. If you can't give up control, then don't pay for it. But you are probably going to hurt your daughter, and cause a rift in the family. That's your decision. But obviously your daughter is willing to let her husband have a say in their wedding. That means that his choices are hers, too. You should respect that.

Should the bride and groom have great say about the arrangements? Absolutely. Should the planning be done to both include guests and then disregard what will make them comfortable and welcomed? Should the groom be able to unilaterally make these decisions, encourage the bride to endorse his selections, and know the selections will make a good portion of their (gift bearing) guests uncomfortable? This isn't parents being overcontrolling. This is parents being steamrolled and having their bank accounts taken hostage. There's middle ground to be had here -- and respect to be given on both sides.

 

[elaine amj]

I happen to feel that if whoever is paying gets to have some say in what they are paying for. My father in law paid for our reception dinner. He chose the menu (he did ask us for opinions on dishes). Because he was paying for the reception dinner, he was welcome to invite whoever he liked. I wouldn't have dreamed of restricting him when he was footing the bill.

That said - I watched my mother and SIL struggle for a year over planning my brother and SIL's wedding. I think my mother had the view that since she was paying and "hosting" the wedding, she should have a lot of say and my SIL felt since it was her wedding, she should have all the say. It certainly got tense sometimes with a fair bit of miscommunication.

 

[Andtototoo]

GRR!!!
Future son in law just won't bend on a few things because of HIS likes and dislikes.

I guess it's really bugging me because we are paying for it all.
The parents of the bride...and the bride doesnt seem to have much say-so in anything.

These are just a couple things that he has put his foot down on.
He wanted to be a deciding factor in the type of dress she wears...thankfully, she won that battle...for now.

I used to work in bridal. We had a saying about the bolded: "Be very nice to the bride whose groom wants to decide on her wedding gown. After all, we want her as a repeat customer when she comes back for her second wedding." It was a saying because it was the truth.

OP, there are numerous red flags here -- immature, inconsiderate, uncompromising, controlling. Often times, those attributes come out for the first time during wedding planning. It's common. We saw it over and over in the bridal business. This behavior is not a one-off. It's a sign of the future because often it comes out due to (1) stress (which happens in life beyond wedding days) and or (2) the person feeling that the wedding means they have "caught" the other person and can now show their true selves.

I would be reluctant to pay for this wedding because I think I'd rather save the money to help my daughter pay for her eventual divorce.

 

[Nohal]

I would think it inappropriate to force a religious wedding on a non-religious person.

But you don't HAVE to pay. When you read wedding forums, brides and grooms are often told if you don't want parental interference, then pay for it yourself. He who pays gets a say. But I still wouldn't think it proper to force your future SIL to make religious vows he does not believe in.

I agree that it makes no difference who or where they get married as long as it is legal. One of my concerns would be for the grandchildren will they have no God in their lives? I really think your DD needs to put her foot down afterall it is her wedding also. Seems to me that he is very controlling. If he wants the wedding the way he wants it then let him pay for it. Stand up for yourselves!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'm surprised the main issue here is the music and not the church.

A non-Catholic being married in a Catholic Church just doesn't happen around here. He would have to go through classes & make all sorts of promises to the priest that he has no intention of keeping.

 

[aaarcher86]

I agree that it makes no difference who or where they get married as long as it is legal. One of my concerns would be for the grandchildren will they have no God in their lives? I really think your DD needs to put her foot down afterall it is her wedding also. Seems to me that he is very controlling. If he wants the wedding the way he wants it then let him pay for it. Stand up for yourselves!

Maybe she doesn't need to put her foot down because she's fine with it all?

Everyone's kind of assuming she's some shy meek kid. They've been together 5 1/2 years.

 

[hereyago]

Maybe she doesn't need to put her foot down because she's fine with it all?

Everyone's kind of assuming she's some shy meek kid. They've been together 5 1/2 years.

Just because they have been together that long doesnt mean she can be fine with it. Perhaps he is the only relationship she has had and doesnt have the experience to know his behavior isnt cool or perhaps she thinks he will change with her help or some other such nonsense. Maybe she would rather deal with it then be alone.

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

We're also only hearing the future MIL's point of view. Maybe the bride to be is perfectly happy with everything.

Pull the money now and you'll risk alienating your daughter. She's CHOOSING to marry this man. If you make her choose between parents and husband, it could get very ugly. And holding money over her head with a "Do it my way, or you don't get it," ultimatum is just that--asking her to choose between you and her fiance.

 

[cabanafrau]

Maybe she doesn't need to put her foot down because she's fine with it all?

Everyone's kind of assuming she's some shy meek kid. They've been together 5 1/2 years.

I don't assume that. I actually suspect they've been rolling along happily in the relatively carefree years without examining what they deeply want out of life. I said on page one the original post gave me 3 areas of concern, ultimately not really being about the wedding itself. If OP's DD can honestly say she's considered the deeper implications behind each of the "petty" wedding issues and is on the same page with her groom, so be it. If not, I'd definitely put a hold on wedding planning.

If the bride is not happy to make those wedding compromises, expresses them to the groom, he says he'd like the things he likes but is willing to compromise, then there's potential for them to work towards a future. It may well be the groom hasn't given some of his ideas serious consideration beyond the end of his nose because he hasn't had to yet. Telling your kids you will underwrite their wedding or assist with expenses isn't a blank check, not speaking financially but in terms of putting on a wedding that allows a true celebration.

 

[aaarcher86]

Just because they have been together that long doesnt mean she can be fine with it. Perhaps he is the only relationship she has had and doesnt have the experience to know his behavior isnt cool or perhaps she thinks he will change with her help or some other such nonsense. Maybe she would rather deal with it then be alone.

And maybe he's not some weirdo monster. OP said their relationship was great.

I'm not convinced the op isn't embellishing a bit due to irritation.

 

[missnic]

Is he making a fuss over the music because it's the only thing that he feels he can control? My parents paid for our wedding, but DH and I planned the majority of it. We had some major fights over stupid stuff, and it turned out that he just wanted SOMETHING that he could control. He felt like my mom was trying to influence my decisions (she was, actually), and he had no say in anything. I think a lot of men feel that the wedding is planned by the women, and they just show up to whatever they've decided on. Considering it's his day too, that can't be a great feeling.

Now.. that said.. I regret not standing up to my mother on certain things. There were people there that I didn't want or even know, but I had to invite them because she was paying. Please don't do that to your daughter. I honestly wish that I had eloped, or even just had an even smaller wedding.

 

[aaarcher86]

I don't assume that. I actually suspect they've been rolling along happily in the relatively carefree years without examining what they deeply want out of life. I said on page one the original post gave me 3 areas of concern, ultimately not really being about the wedding itself. If OP's DD can honestly say she's considered the deeper implications behind each of the "petty" wedding issues and is on the same page with her groom, so be it. If not, I'd definitely put a hold on wedding planning.

If the bride is not happy to make those wedding compromises, expresses them to the groom, he says he'd like the things he likes but is willing to compromise, then there's potential for them to work towards a future. It may well be the groom hasn't given some of his ideas serious consideration beyond the end of his nose because he hasn't had to yet. Telling your kids you will underwrite their wedding or assist with expenses isn't a blank check, not speaking financially but in terms of putting on a wedding that allows a true celebration.

I'm not in total disagreement, but so far OP has really only expressed all her displeasure a with no indication of the DD perspective, unless I missed it.

It's entirely possible she's just fine with it all and mom has all the issues.

 

[HannaBelle]

One "wonderful" example

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...&mid=D86E80C5447C6AADA16DD86E80C5447C6AADA16D

 

[Handbag Lady]

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not just one over the other. THEY need to learn to compromise together.

Perhaps just set a dollar amount that you are willing to give as a gift, and then they can sort it out and you attend as a guest.

 

[hereyago]

And maybe he's not some weirdo monster. OP said their relationship was great.

I'm not convinced the op isn't embellishing a bit due to irritation.

He doesnt have to be a weirdo monster. I am just saying people dont act like that over night. And people stay in not the best relationships for different reasons.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

The daughter was raised Catholic, but based on the original post, it doesn't appear she's anything more than lukewarm about religion anymore, if at all.

Both issues seem to be bigger with the parent than the daughter.

 

[Skywalker]

If he is as described he sounds very selfish and spoiled. Did he parents never teach him any social graces like how to be a considerate host? Both bride and groom should have some say, but if he wants final control of the ceremony, the music, and the wedding dress, those are some pretty major things! It is strange because usually even the most dominant men I have known have deferred to the bride on the wedding.

 

[aaarcher86]

He doesnt have to be a weirdo monster. I am just saying people dont act like that over night. And people stay in not the best relationships for different reasons.

I've seen some level headed people absolutely lose their **** about wedding stuff. It happens.

And I also won't judge a 5 1/2 year relationship that the op willingly said was great because she's pissed off about some of his wedding desires.