Dealing with a Groomzilla...

[disneydarling07]

GRR!!!
Future son in law just won't bend on a few things because of HIS likes and dislikes.

My daughter was raised Catholic. HE does not believe in organized religion. Therefore, they cannot get married in a church or a chapel.

It's HIS wedding and he wants to hire a DJ to play music that HE likes....death metal..not even kidding.
Undanceable, loud, annoying...He doesn't like the music that she likes.

I guess it's really bugging me because we are paying for it all.
The parents of the bride...and the bride doesnt seem to have much say-so in anything.

I dont understand paying for a big venue when I can guarantee that once that death metal music comes on, no one will be dancing and most people will leave. So why pay for a big venue?? You're going to end up with an empty room for 3 hours. Just have it a restaurant and go back to your apartment with your friends and blast the radio.

These are just a couple things that he has put his foot down on.
He wanted to be a deciding factor in the type of dress she wears...thankfully, she won that battle...for now.

Just venting....I understand that it's HIS day too, but she needs to have what she wants too.

GRR!!!!!

 

[HM]

Are you sure they are compatible? How long until the wedding.....any chance it's long enough for her to change her mind?

 

[LBIJim]

GRR!!!

I guess it's really bugging me because we are paying for it all.
The parents of the bride...and the bride doesnt seem to have much say-so in anything.

I dont understand paying for a big venue when I can guarantee that once that death metal music comes on, no one will be dancing and most people will leave. So why pay for a big venue?? You're going to end up with an empty room for 3 hours. Just have it a restaurant and go back to your apartment with your friends and blast the radio.


Just venting....I understand that it's HIS day too, but she needs to have what she wants too.

GRR!!!!!

So why are you paying for it???? If it's not to your taste, withdraw your financial support.

 

[mom2rb]

I would give in on the no church or chapel. I would refuse on the DJ. Let him know that if that is the music that he wants then he can pay for everything himself.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'd be worried my kid was marrying someone without enough concern for others to fill a teaspoon and who was obviously immature with control issues. Why are you paying for this slap in the face to your DD and the guests?

It's bad enough to watch them make a lifelong commitment if you have doubts their partner hasn't shown their true self because life is a celebration at that point -- but when they've shown who they are and your kid obviously isn't seeing a bleak future -- time for a come to Jesus talk.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Are you sure they are compatible? How long until the wedding.....any chance it's long enough for her to change her mind?

Have to agree. The first sentence of the post seems like a world of misery for the future. Remember that saying, "
“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
― Maya Angelou

 

[rigs32]

I would think it inappropriate to force a religious wedding on a non-religious person.

But you don't HAVE to pay. When you read wedding forums, brides and grooms are often told if you don't want parental interference, then pay for it yourself. He who pays gets a say. But I still wouldn't think it proper to force your future SIL to make religious vows he does not believe in.

 

[aaarcher86]

I don't really like giving/getting money with stipulations. If you want to pay for the wedding, pay for it. If you don't, don't.

It's up to the groom and bride what they want, and if the bride doesn't say no that's her issue. Not yours.

 

[rwdavis2]

So why are you paying for it???? If it's not to your taste, withdraw your financial support.

Bingo! Don't pay for it. This marriage probably won't last very long so don't spend any money on it.

 

[ICF]

I'm all for giving the groom a say....despite popular perceptions, it is his day too.

That said, this doesnt seem like a relationship that is destined for a happily ever after.

 

[cabanafrau]

I would think it inappropriate to force a religious wedding on a non-religious person.

But you don't HAVE to pay. When you read wedding forums, brides and grooms are often told if you don't want parental interference, then pay for it yourself. He who pays gets a say. But I still wouldn't think it proper to force your future SIL to make religious vows he does not believe in.

That's not the part I have an issue with. The only way that is a problem is if it is a heartfelt desire of the bride and/or he seeks to impede her practicing her faith. Those are very important issues to have worked out in a relationship before making a commitment.

Taking the entirety of the issues in a single post is what rang my alarm bells that perhaps all aspects of making this commitment haven't been fully considered. Paying for a wedding is at the bottom of the list of concerns I have.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

You don't get a vote in this. It's between the bride & groom. Your only say in the matter is if you pay for it, or not.

 

[JanaDee]

Save your money to pay for the divorce.

 

[disneydarling07]

They have been together for 5 1/2 years. things were wonderful!! Very compatible! They moved in together a few months ago and things were going great....then the wedding planning started. He's looking at it as a big party...for himself. Because you only get married once and he wants to enjoy his day.

I talked to my hubby and we decided we are withdrawing any financial support if this is how things are going to go. I have no problem with not having it in a church or chapel. Lots of people opt for that now. I get it.
But this DJ thing is a deal breaker. What's next?? Black roses? White Castle burgers? lol
Lordy,...what are the invites going to look like??

still so many details to work out...and I dont think I can stand to hear them.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm all for giving the groom a say....despite popular perceptions, it is his day too.

That said, this doesnt seem like a relationship that is destined for a happily ever after.

A groom's wishes are absolutely an important consideration. I have two daughters and I was a bride. I am so not about it being the bride's day, making her a princess (gag) or it even being solely all about the couple. The wedding itself, yes, it's all about the couple. When you invite guests to celebrate with you, you consider their comfort as well.

 

[disneydarling07]

. When you invite guests to celebrate with you, you consider their comfort as well.

Exactly. Especially when you are already mentioning gifts that they might be giving you.

 

[POOHsie]

...

I talked to my hubby and we decided we are withdrawing any financial support if this is how things are going to go. I have no problem with not having it in a church or chapel. Lots of people opt for that now. I get it.
But this DJ thing is a deal breaker. What's next?? Black roses? White Castle burgers? lol
Lordy,...what are the invites going to look like??

White Castle burgers are OK. My best friend had a big plate of Chicken McNuggets at her reception, in addition to other low-brow food. Nobody put their nose up. It would be a nice compromise to have some middle-of-the-road music at first, and heavy music as the party goes on later. Pulling your financial support is a heavy-handed move that's guaranteed to have lasting negative effects. Do you really know if your DD's interests are as you post here, or is she saying things to please you because you're inflexible about certain subjects?

 

[LBIJim]

OP, does he want 3 hours of ALL Death Metal, and nothing your daughter likes? Or just some Death Metal scattered throughout the event? If it's the latter, that seems reasonable enough. If the former, big problems lie ahead, and not just potentially chasing away the guests.

 

[RitaE]

The Church thing I'd remain silent because I don't think it's appropriate to pressure somebody into a religious ceremony if they don't go into it willingly and I think the marriage ceremony is dictated by the bride and groom and the rest of us are there simply to watch.

I think the reception/music thing you have more of a reason to raise a fuss since as the person who is paying, you are at least slightly one of the hosts to the guests. And frankly, I'm one who hates to be trapped in a room with blaring headache inducing terrible music so I guess my own bias is kind of clouding my opinion here.

I'd try to hammer out some sort of compromise …. like if it is a DJ start with more mainstream type music to span the generations and as the night wears on and most of the senior citizens leave let him death metal rock party to his heart's content.

Note I said compromise and frankly, the fact that your daughter isn't putting her foot down with him kind of says to me that she agrees with him. In which case, by all means just let them know that you don't want to finance that sort of event.

Invitations etc etc etc … who cares? It's not like a guest is going to suffer if they receive what they think is an ugly invitation. They're just going to say "OMG that's ugly."

 

[robinb]

It would be a nice compromise to have some middle-of-the-road music at first, and heavy music as the party goes on later. Pulling your financial support is a heavy-handed move that's guaranteed to have lasting negative effects. Do you really know if your DD's interests are as you post here, or is she saying things to please you because you're inflexible about certain subjects?

Compromise is what marriage is all about. Disneydarling07, how does your DD feel about what her fiance wants in the wedding? How will she feel if you decide to not pay for the wedding because you don't agree with what her fiance wants? I agree that it will drive a wedge between you and they will close ranks against you.