Dealing with a Groomzilla...

[TaylorEar]

I think it's totally bizarre to care about what kind of music he (they) wants at their reception. I suppose if that's the hill you want to die on, go for it, but I would think that withdrawing your "financial support" over this would cause more drama than just putting up with the death metal.

 

[joannamet]

I'm just wondering what your daughter really wants. Is she going along with him because of the nature of their relationship or is she on board with his plans? Are you close enough to her to take her to lunch and have a heart to heart about all of this in a non-confrontational manner? Ultimately, you just want her to be happy...

 

[Nettester]

I'm really surprised there can be no compromise on music here. An earlier, more traditional set. Then a little later, a DJ later with his louder metal music. The guests that don't like that kind of music will likely not opt to stay until the end, but at least they can enjoy it for awhile. Groomzilla's party friends can opt to show up later when the DJ starts if they aren't interested in the first part.

Or why not tell Groomzilla to hit a metal concert with his pals as a "bachelor party" and agree to mix in some of the bride's music choices at the reception. Or wait until his next milestone birthday to host a big bash featuring "his" music.

If they EACH find some room to care about what the other one wants, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I think they need to work it out themselves. I wouldn't with hold money you've promised for them over it or start attaching strings. If your DD is venting to you, encourage her to work on it with her fiancé if she is unhappy. She's the only one who gets to decide if she can and is willing to accept his music choices. Perhaps if you pull funds, she doesn't have to assert herself. And maybe it would be a good thing if she did. Also ask yourself if the music choice is a bigger let down for you than for your DD. You're probably cringing about what the relatives will think, but that's a consideration for the couple alone. You're not responsible for creating an enjoyable event, that's on the couple.

 

[EMom]

I'd be worried my kid was marrying someone without enough concern for others to fill a teaspoon and who was obviously immature with control issues. Why are you paying for this slap in the face to your DD and the guests?

It's bad enough to watch them make a lifelong commitment if you have doubts their partner hasn't shown their true self because life is a celebration at that point -- but when they've shown who they are and your kid obviously isn't seeing a bleak future -- time for a come to Jesus talk.

This. There are bigger problems on the horizon that the venue choice or trying to dance to heavy metal music. I would not break the bank on this wedding. You may want to save it for the next one.

 

[Jennasis]

My sister and BIL had an extravagant wedding at a tony club. It was insanely expensive all around. They had white castle served, aling with fries and mini milk shakes at the end of the night.

 

[NewRVLady]

GRR!!!
Future son in law just won't bend on a few things because of HIS likes and dislikes.

My daughter was raised Catholic. HE does not believe in organized religion. Therefore, they cannot get married in a church or a chapel.

It's HIS wedding and he wants to hire a DJ to play music that HE likes....death metal..not even kidding.
Undanceable, loud, annoying...He doesn't like the music that she likes.

I guess it's really bugging me because we are paying for it all.
The parents of the bride...and the bride doesnt seem to have much say-so in anything.
!!!!

wowser-HUGE HUGE RED flags!!
My Ds is going thru extra Religious counseling to be married in Church( was never confirmed-but was baptized )
He wants to -esp to please his future wife
However-you still could have an ordained minister , not affiliated with any religion-that is what my other son did-garden wedding

The not budging ONE INCH for music just shows his immaturity. there is no way in HECK I would invite grownups to a wedding with JUST heavy metal-yuck yuck....I would simply NOT pay for wedding at this point

 

[Christine]

While the wedding day does belong to the bride and groom, some consideration of the guests should be had. I would agree to give the OK to play some "death metal" music, but it has to be interspersed throughout. Groom needs to understand that, for some of the older relatives there, it's not going to be pleasant and no one should have to endure a long string of loud, kidney vibrating music. If the DJ sees people avoiding the dance floor and people leaving the room, he needs to change quick. On the other hand, if *most* of the guests are the bride and groom's friends and of their group, the death metal may be extremely popular. You never can tell. I think you should compromise on this. Alternatively, the groom needs to compromise also.

 

[HM]

I keep thinking about being at a wedding reception with only death metal music. Ack. I could in no way stay around for that.

Your compromise would be paying for the wedding, and they pay for the reception?

 

[mamamary]

While the wedding day does belong to the bride and groom, some consideration of the guests should be had. I would agree to give the OK to play some "death metal" music, but it has to be interspersed throughout. Groom needs to understand that, for some of the older relatives there, it's not going to be pleasant and no one should have to endure a long string of loud, kidney vibrating music. If the DJ sees people avoiding the dance floor and people leaving the room, he needs to change quick. On the other hand, if *most* of the guests are the bride and groom's friends and of their group, the death metal may be extremely popular. You never can tell. I think you should compromise on this. Alternatively, the groom needs to compromise also.

Not sure how it came up but a few months ago DH played some death metal music on the computer for me. I think after about 3 seconds I had enough
I also think that some consideration has to be to the guests.

 

[MrsDuck]

If you don't like it, don't pay. Simple as that.

 

[Tiggeroo]

If you don't like it, don't pay. Simple as that.

I would explain that many of your family and friends will be there as well. You are paying for a reception for all of the guests. Compromise on the music like others have said. Have him pick maybe 5 songs he likes. Mix them in. Or put his music on at the end. Every stage will need to be like that or you don't pay. Include food he loves but also some mainstream dishes the masses will love.... I also don't love White Castle but would not think that was awful if there was a pasta dish and some salad...

 

[NewRVLady]

My sister and BIL had an extravagant wedding at a tony club. It was insanely expensive all around. They had white castle served, aling with fries and mini milk shakes at the end of the night.

I don't think eating fast food compares to intolerable music

For the older guests-which I am guessing parents, grandparents=parents friends -etc, this is not considerate-
and I'm a MOG this year who loves rock and roll and will tolerate country and even a couple Rap songs....but Death heavy Metal screaming-nope-I would leave the premises!

 

[aaarcher86]

White Castle burgers are OK. My best friend had a big plate of Chicken McNuggets at her reception, in addition to other low-brow food. Nobody put their nose up. It would be a nice compromise to have some middle-of-the-road music at first, and heavy music as the party goes on later. Pulling your financial support is a heavy-handed move that's guaranteed to have lasting negative effects. Do you really know if your DD's interests are as you post here, or is she saying things to please you because you're inflexible about certain subjects?

My best friend had Skyline cheese coneys available at the end of te reception.

Best. Idea. Ever.

I threw it up later, but the idea was still great!

 

[Tinijocaro]

I'm surprised the main issue here is the music and not the church.

 

[aaarcher86]

I can't picture this kid wanting nothing but death metal. It sounds a little exaggerated.

I had karaoke at my wedding. My intro song was Baby Got Back. Some people felt like taking off when we started heading that direction. It wasn't that big of a deal.

And if I wanted black roses it can't picture my mom making a stink about it. If that's what I wanted, who cares?

Seems like some petty crap on both sides.

 

[NewRVLady]

One "wonderful" example

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...&mid=D86E80C5447C6AADA16DD86E80C5447C6AADA16D

 

[ronandannette]

GRR!!!
Future son in law just won't bend on a few things because of HIS likes and dislikes.

My daughter was raised Catholic. HE does not believe in organized religion. Therefore, they cannot get married in a church or a chapel.

It's HIS wedding and he wants to hire a DJ to play music that HE likes....death metal..not even kidding.
Undanceable, loud, annoying...He doesn't like the music that she likes.

I guess it's really bugging me because we are paying for it all.
The parents of the bride...and the bride doesnt seem to have much say-so in anything.

I dont understand paying for a big venue when I can guarantee that once that death metal music comes on, no one will be dancing and most people will leave. So why pay for a big venue?? You're going to end up with an empty room for 3 hours. Just have it a restaurant and go back to your apartment with your friends and blast the radio.

These are just a couple things that he has put his foot down on.
He wanted to be a deciding factor in the type of dress she wears...thankfully, she won that battle...for now.

Just venting....I understand that it's HIS day too, but she needs to have what she wants too.

GRR!!!!!

As a person of faith, the bolded is obviously only a problem for you. If your DD actually intended to live as a practising Catholic she wouldn't be marrying someone who doesn't. You can't control that - she's made a choice. Learn to live with it an stop blaming him or have a heart-to-heart with your daughter about the significance of this issue aside from not having a nice backdrop for the wedding pictures.

ETA: And as far as controlling the event through money? Terrible idea. Decide how much you want to contribute and write them a cheque as a gift. Stay out of the planning.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Truly, this is one of those things that I would insist on a compromise. Otherwise, the whole reception is a HUGE waste of your money. I know that many people will leave as soon as this music starts playing. Hopefully it won't be playing during the dinner hour too. You are paying a lot of money for the dinner and the hall. This music will encourage people to leave very early.

 

[Disneymadhouse]

The other point that has jumped out at me from the OP is that the groom wanted to be the deciding factor in the dress the bride wears. Since when??? Is he really that controlling? Maybe its different in the US, but here in the UK grooms don't have any say in the brides dress, or even see it until she arrives to be married.

Claire

 

[cabanafrau]

Exactly. Especially when you are already mentioning gifts that they might be giving you.

Hold the phone, I missed this. He's considering the guests as a source of gifts, yet the arrangements are based strictly on what he wants out of a once in a lifetime party -- on your dime, or significantly on your dime?

Long-term, supposedly happy relationship or no, I don't see signs that they've had the conversations about the really deep goals of life -- and what to do when they want different things or the peaks and valleys come. Let's face it, life's generally pretty easy in those early twenties years, no kids, probably not tied to a mortgage, prospect of income rising over the next several years. It's relatively easy to have a "great relationship" with someone when compromises are minimal and generally small, short-term ones. I hope your daughter asserts herself when it's important and they grow together.